Chapter 11

Emma stared at Jenny with wide eyes. 'No. This can't be true. She can't have slept with Ben, she's just kidding me.' But one look at Jenny's pained expression made her heart freeze. Jenny was paler than usual and looking at her almost pleadingly while she stumbled over her words.

"We had sex but it didn't mean anything. It just happened!"

'It just happened? It just happened? She can't be serious. I can't believe it. How…with Ben….how could she?'

"I thought you weren't into boys." Emma blurted out, completely thrown by Jenny's admission.

"I'm not! Not really, anyway. Emma, I'm into you!" Jenny pleaded, desperation evident in her voice. "I just….I didn't believe that the two of us still had a chance, but then I received your cards and….Emma, I feel the same way for you!"

'Does she even listen to herself? Does she realize how pathetic she sounds? And I even fought Caro for her. God, I'm such a fool. Such a bloody fool!' Emma blinked some angry tears away. No. She wouldn't cry in front of her. Not ever again. Her gaze fell on the cards in Jenny's hand. 'She was even bold enough to bring them with her. As if she hadn't already hurt me enough she still dares to wave them in front of my face like a symbol of victory. I'm such a gullible idiot. Endlessly I racked my brain about how I could apologize to her. If she'd ever forgive me. What she could possibly see in me. And what's the first thing she does when things get a little bit difficult between us? She runs off and fucks the first available guy! And now she honestly expects me to let her wave this away with so much as an 'Oups, somehow it just happened because I thought things wouldn't work out between us?' Emma felt the anger inside her rise to its boiling point.

"What I wrote on those cards," Emma said with a barely controlled voice and took the cards out of Jenny's hands, "Forget about it. I was wrong." With that, she threw them at Jenny's feet and started walking away.

"Emma!"

"You've been taking the piss, haven't you? It was all a game to you. Just a fucking game!" Emma yelled, all self-control lost.

"That's not true!"

"Just leave me alone! I don't believe a single word of what you're saying!" Before Jenny could say anything else Emma stormed out of the auditorium. 'I hate her. I fucking hate her!'

ooooo

Jenny slowly awoke from her paralysis as she felt hot tears streaming down her face. 'No. No! This can't be happening.' Emma. She'd lost her. She'd lost her for good this time. 'But I love her. Can't she see that?' Jenny angrily wiped her cheek. 'Yeah. And that was one hell of a way to show her how much I love her, wasn't it? Having sex with Ben, that's a real proof of undying love. Fuck!' And the only explanation she'd come up with? 'It just happened!' She'd wanted to tell her so much more, but somehow she hadn't been able to find the words, the look of shock and utter disappointment on Emma's face too much for her. 'I have to tell her what she means to me. I have to.'

With that thought in her mind she ran after her and caught a glimpse of Emma as she disappeared into the washroom. Jenny hurried after her and followed her inside. Emma had locked herself into one of the stalls, so Jenny just leant against the tiled wall.

"Emma, I know that you're in there. Please come out." She'd known that Emma wouldn't make it that easy. "Okay…then I'll stay here, too. Emma, look, that thing with Ben, it didn't mean anything at all! I was just so frustrated because things between us were so fucked up somehow, and then I went to that party and drank way too much because I wanted to get you out of my head. Stupid, I know." She made a few steps towards Emma's stall. "Hey. I know that this will sound even more stupid but...sleeping with a guy, it's completely meaningless! But I'd never have done that with another girl. I just...I couldn't have done it. Because of you, you know?" Jenny sighed. "Emma, what I really want to say is that…since we're going out of each other's way I'm pretty much useless. Everything I do ends in a mess somehow. I just…I want to wait tables with you again. Hang up placards with you. Invoke ghosts with you. Share blankets with you. Emma, I want to do everything with you as long as we're together! I just can't imagine being without you anymore." Jenny bit her lip and closed her eyes, willing Emma silently to forgive her. 'Please, Emma. Every word I said is true. You have to believe me.' "Emma…."

She gave a start as Emma suddenly stormed out of the stall and slammed the door behind herself. "Don't 'Emma' me!" the blonde exploded. "What's this all about? All your jabbering? If you're really so in love with me, then why are you making out with the guy of all guys? I just don't get it!"

"But I just explained to you that…"

"No!" Emma shouted. "You didn't explain anything! Besides the fact that you fucked me over right from the start! Do you realize that I almost outed myself? Thank God I didn't do that!"

"Hey…."

"And? Was your little experiment successful? 'Can I achieve that little Emma thinks that she's into women?' Yes, you succeeded, congratulations!"

"It wasn't an experiment!"

"Just go away! Or you know what? Stay! I'm going! And don't dare follow me again!"

Jenny leant her head against the stall door and closed her eyes. It would have hurt less if Emma had just slapped her in the face. 'So that's it. Over and out.' This time she'd said everything she'd wanted to say, but obviously it hadn't been enough. She'd been afraid that Emma wouldn't understand, but she'd still hoped for a miracle. 'How should she understand? My excuses sound lame even to my own ears. But it's the truth, I'd swear that by anything that's important to me! Sleeping with Ben, It didn't mean anything. It was just a sorry attempt to stop thinking about her for a couple of minutes, and it didn't even work!' Not ever had she seen Emma so furious. 'I hurt her so much and she gave it right back to me. Suits me right.'

"Hey…erm….are you all right?"

Jenny hurriedly blinked her eyes open and stared at the girl she didn't even recognize.

"I'm fine." she lied and left in a hurry.

ooooo

"Emma, what the hell are you doing?" Luzi asked half surprised, half angry and wiped at her lips.

"I…I'm sorry!" Emma stammered. 'I kissed her. I kissed Luzi in front of Jenny, for fuck's sake! What kind of a low blow was that?'

"I don't get you, really!" Luzi shook her head and walked away towards the others who were still swaying to a long-forgotten 80s song.

"Great performance!" Jenny exclaimed, seething with rage. "So that's your birthday present for me, I take it?"

"No! I…"

"You know, if you wanted to come down on me like a ton of bricks to hurt me then you succeeded!"

"Jenny, I…."

But Jenny had already walked away. 'Fuck! What did I do that for? It's her birthday but instead of congratulating her all I can do is pull this stupid stunt on her!' She noticed that Luzi, Timo and Ben were looking at her quizzically from the far side of the Bergmann's living-room, but she didn't dare join them, too ashamed of what she'd done. What kind of an explanation could she have given anyway? 'Sorry for acting like a total freak but Jenny slept with Ben although I'm in love with her and this was my sorry attempt to get back at her? Yeah, right, great idea, Emma!' Since Jenny's admission the previous week she hadn't really recognized herself anymore. 'This is just not me.' She wasn't a vengeful person, someone who took pleasure in hurting others just to get back at them. But she couldn't get that image out of her head – Jenny and Ben, kissing, touching, discarding their clothes in a heated frenzy, having sex with each other in Jenny's bed. Every time she thought about it the pictures her mind came up with appeared even more vivid, more real, more devastating, ripping at her heart with a brutal force. Never before had she felt so betrayed. Jenny's earlier words still rang in her ears.

"Emma, you know that I never played a game with you, not a single second. I always stood by you. And you? You just push me away only because Timo saw us kissing!"

"Yeah. And while I'm writing a lengthy letter to apologize, you take the next best guy to make out with him!"

"Jesus Christ, it wasn't about making out! Emma, I don't give a shit about Ben. I want to be with you."

"You know, I'd really like to believe you, but you don't have the slightest idea how much you hurt me!"

"Emma, believe me, it didn't mean anything to me."

"To me it did."

"Okay, you don't want to get it. Then don't."

"Me? It's you who doesn't get it!"

So what if it didn't mean anything to Jenny? Did that make it any less painful? 'No.' But hadn't she just done the same to get back at Jenny? Hadn't she kissed Luzi just to spite her? Of course the short kiss had only been the measure at hand to turn the tables between them. 'God, Emma, you're acting like a five-year-old. This is not only childish but even completely ridiculous. And what good did it do anyway? Are you feeling any better now? No. So what do you want, Emma? You want Jenny to undo her fling with Ben but as that's impossible…what is it that you really want? Jenny. It's Jenny I want more than anything, despite all that happened these last days.' Emma debated shortly with herself if she should go after her but decided against it. Jenny had been so angry when she left, she wouldn't even listen to her now. 'We have to stop hurting each other like this. I hope it's not too late already.'