Chapter 14

Emma yelped with surprise when invisible hands grabbed her from behind in the deserted school corridor and pulled her into a corner next to the lockers where they were shielded from view. She was just about to protest when soft lips covered her own and silenced her more than effectively. Emma smiled into the unexpected kiss and wound her arms around her girlfriend, holding her close.

"Hey." Jenny whispered with a wide smile when they finally broke apart. "I missed you."

Emma felt her heart swell up inside her chest and laughed happily. She'd never get used to this. 'Never.' Even if she still found it hard to accept that someone as amazing as Jenny Hartmann would fall for her of all people, she was done with worrying about it and had decided to just let herself be enveloped by her love without having second thoughts about it. "I missed you, too." Emma replied and kissed her again. "Terribly." And it was true. She almost laughed at their stupidity, after all they'd sneaked away to the auditorium only two hours ago for a couple of stolen kisses. Sometimes she felt like a fourteen year-old again who was making out with her very first big love and couldn't risk to get caught. Jenny leant towards her, gently cupped her cheek and kissed her again, sweet and tantalizing at the same time, when the loud slamming of a door made Emma start.

"False alarm." Jenny reassured her, but Emma sighed nonetheless and rested her head against the lockers. "What is it?" Jenny inquired with a worried look on her face.

"I'm so sick of this." Emma conceded, her good mood blown away.

"Of me?"

"No! Of our secretiveness." Emma sighed again while her girlfriend remained silent. 'What should she say anyway? It's me who's afraid of others knowing about us, and she's just agreeing to keep our relationship a secret to do me a favor. Because she loves me.' Deep down she knew that their secretiveness was hurting Jenny, was hurting her more than she'd ever openly admit. She'd already hurt her in the worst possible way as she'd pushed her away and even yelled at her when Timo had walked in on their kiss all those weeks ago. And her current behavior wasn't that much better, if she was totally honest to herself. 'I don't want her to think that I'm ashamed of her. Of us. God, I'm not.' But as soon as she'd pull their relationship out into the open there'd be no turning back. She'd have to face the consequences, no matter what they turned out to be. Was she really up to this? Emma searched Jenny's eyes for signs of impatience or annoyance but found none. 'She'd wait for me forever. I so don't deserve her.' She drew in a deep breath and made a decision. This had to end. Now.

"Every time we kiss my heart is racing wildly, and then it almost stops beating because I'm panicking whenever I'm hearing some kind of noise just because someone might see us. That's just not normal."

"It's probably not very healthy, but it is perfectly normal." Jenny contradicted. "And I love it that your heart's racing from excitement when we're kissing." She was doing it again. Selflessly putting Emma's mind at rest without thinking of her own needs. Emma couldn't let her do this any longer. She cupped Jenny's face in her hands, willing her to look at her.

"Being with you…something like this has never happened to me before. And it's…amazing! I love you, and I don't want to hide this any longer. I want everyone to see it!"

Jenny's face broke into a beautiful smile. "Come here then." She whispered and pulled her in for another kiss.

ooooo

Emma had yet to decide what annoyed her more – the fact that she'd back-tracked again after some weirdo had insulted them for holding hands on the schoolyard instead of standing up to him or that she'd disappointed Jenny again. Of course Jenny had reassured her everything was fine after she'd given that prick a piece of her mind. But….she couldn't go on like this anymore. She needed to stand up for herself instead of constantly burdening Jenny with her problems and expecting her to always be the considerate one with no regards for her own feelings.

Emma was glad that she'd had the courage to confide in Bodo by telling him about her inner dilemma and had been grateful for his advice. She'd tell the STAG about Jenny and herself, and she'd do it today, before she'd have the chance to find yet another excuse to change her mind again. Her nervousness doubled with every second that ticked away while they were waiting for the last STAG members to arrive. 'How will they react? Will they be shocked? Repelled even? Or just happy for Jenny and me?' Of course she hoped for the latter, but could she really be sure of that? Would they think that Jenny had lost her mind to fall for someone like her? And what about Jenny, anyway? Should she have warned her beforehand? But it was too late now, Mrs. Vogel was already arriving and she wouldn't have time to discuss this with Jenny first.

"Okay, today I've got a surprise for you." Mrs. Vogel announced with a smile. "The STAG is going to perform 'Love fool' outside on the schoolyard. Now!" she said on motioned towards the portable cd-player in her hand.

'What? Nonono! Not today, not when I….'

"Come on." Jenny said to her and fleetingly touched Emma's wrist with her fingertips. "Don't worry, as much as we practiced for this, we could do the performance in our sleep."

"Yeah, well, probably, but..." Emma sighed, shook her head and followed the others outside. The schoolyard was packed with students who slowly formed a circle around the school's emblem, a stack of huge stony books in the center of the yard. It was lunch-time, after all, and most of them were curious enough to watch the performance, either because they liked the unusual distraction or because they were hoping for them to fail spectacularly so they'd have something to gossip about later. As the first tunes of the song were played, Emma's hips swayed almost automatically to the rhythm and her steps fell in sync with those of the others while she waited for the part she was supposed to sing. All the while her eyes didn't leave Jenny who was dancing flawlessly and as gracefully as ever, the self-confidence that was emanating from her almost palpable.

"Love me, love me, say that you love me…" When Jenny took her hands to help her step up onto the highest of the stony books and smiled at her almost seductively, a succession of images flickered through her mind. Hotte walking in on their first real kiss on the couch. Timo walking in on them while they were kissing in the auditorium. That guy from class 12b insulting them because they'd been holding hands. Jenny smiling that beautiful smile of hers. Jenny holding her close while they were lying in bed together after the disastrous dinner with Jenny's parents. Jenny kissing her for the very first time. Jenny kissing her in the corner next to the lockers. Emma sang the last tunes of the song absent-mindedly and let Jenny dance into her embrace just as they'd practiced it earlier. 'I love her. I love her so much that it almost hurts. I don't want to hide this any longer. I can't. And I won't.' Her racing heartbeat tuned out the applause of their audience. Just as Jenny let go of her hand and was about to step away from her, she pulled her towards her again and placed a lingering kiss on her lips. She heard the surprised gasps of the students and teachers surrounding them, but at that moment, she couldn't have cared less. Jenny finally broke the kiss and looked at her with a mixture of happiness and love in her eyes that tugged at Emma's heart. 'I've done it. I've kissed her in front of the whole school. Oh. My. God.' She felt herself blushing and smiled embarrassedly at her girlfriend, her eyes not leaving hers.

"Are they all looking?"

"Of course they are!" Jenny laughed.

Emma groaned and closed her eyes before she carefully looked at Jenny again. "How was I?"

"Adorable." Jenny reassured her with a brilliant smile.

Emma hesitantly looked up, her gaze grazing the faces of her fellow students most of whom were still applauding. "I can't believe I did that."

"Are you regretting it?"

"No." Emma answered decisively. "Not at all."

Jenny bit her lip and nodded happily. "Come on. Let's go."

ooooo

Emma flopped down on the couch in the school's common room and smiled as Jenny took her hands in her own.

"I'm so glad you're feeling better again." Jenny said and smiled at her warmly.

"Me too." Emma replied and sighed. The previous weeks had been hard for both of them. Ronnie's attack had shaken her up really badly, and besides the fact that Jenny had been out of her mind because of the anger she felt towards him and the self-reproaches she was tormenting herself with because it had been her he'd wanted to get back at, she'd been hurt by Emma's reluctance to even touch her in public. Of course she hadn't said as much, but she'd seen in in her eyes, no matter how hard Jenny had tried to make light of it. 'I love her so much. I hope she knows this.' Emma slowly leant towards her and kissed her softly on the lips.

"Mmmh." Jenny sighed. "This feels really, really nice."

Emma smiled a bit sadly. "I'm sorry that I was acting so weird lately." Jenny smiled and brushed Emma's apology away with a wave of her head.

"Jenny?"

"Emma?" Emma had to smile at the tone of Jenny's voice which told her that she knew perfectly well that she'd ask her something that had already been bothering for a while.

"Are you happy?"

Jenny frowned at her. Obviously this wasn't the question she'd expected. "Of course I am."

"I mean…don't you miss anything?"

"As long as you're with me – nope!"

'Fucking hell, I'm blushing again.' Emma bit her lip and smiled a bit embarrassedly, avoiding Jenny's gaze.

"Come on, what's up?" Jenny asked and nudged her knee playfully.

"You know….you and I…our relationship. Do you…do you want to take the next step?" 'God Emma…take the next step? Really? How old are you, twelve? Why not ask her straight away if she'd like to sleep with you?'

But Jenny smiled at her nonetheless. Clearly she hadn't expected anything like this. "That would be amazing." she said quietly. "Hey." she added hurriedly. "Don't worry about it, okay? It happens when it happens, okay? Don't worry." With that, she kissed the knuckles of Emma's hand as if to stress her point.

"Okay."

ooooo

But of course she'd worried about it. The whole following night, if she was perfectly honest. She wanted it to be perfect. It would be her first time with Jenny, after all, and Jenny's first time with her, and she didn't want to take any chances. She couldn't remember that she'd ever been so nervous in her life. Not when she'd taken an important examination. Not when she'd performed in front of an audience for the very first time. Not ever. She couldn't even define what she was so nervous about. Having sex in general? No, not exactly. Having sex with a girl? She wasn't so sure about this reason either. Sure, she'd never done that. Until a couple of weeks ago she hadn't even thought about that possibility for once. But now…she knew she wanted it. Jenny had never pressured her in any way, had never demanded anything from her that she wasn't ready for. Sometimes she could even feel her hold back, when their kisses grew more and more passionate and Jenny's hands were raking down her back, running through her hair, but never crossing that invisible line she'd set for herself after she'd promised her to wait. Emma even remembered the low gasp that had escaped Jenny's lips when her fingers had accidentally brushed over a sliver of naked skin between the waistband of Jenny's skirt and the hem of her shirt. The way Jenny's hands had stilled then while she'd leant her forehead carefully against Emma's to calm her breath. And she'd felt it, too, a fire smoldering deep inside of her whenever they were kissing, threatening to burn her from inside the longer she touched her, smelled her, tasted her. 'But what if I can't do this? What if I can't give her what she needs? Jenny is so much more experienced in that area than I am – at least I think she is. What if I disappoint her? She could have anyone she wanted, what if….would you stop this?' Emma forced herself to leave that train of thought again. 'I love her. And she loves me. That's all that counts.'

Emma smiled when she thought back to their earlier conversation.

"So you didn't sleep well because you worried about the perfect, passionate date with me, including sex? That's so cute!" Jenny said with a wide smile.

"That's not cute, it's complicated!" Emma laughed, slightly embarrassed. "We can't do it at my home because my family's always loitering in front of my room. And we can't do it here, either. Just think about it – Mrs. Schmidt-Heisig staying over with Ben's father and we'd have to have breakfast with them in the morning!"

"And?"

"They'd notice at once what's up with us."

"What? Nonsense!" Jenny laughed. "No one would notice that you had sex a couple of hours ago!"

"They'd notice it as soon as they looked at me, trust me."

But she'd found the perfect solution now. A little cottage in the woods, the one they'd spent the night in when they'd been on that team-building outdoor-trip. Okay, Jenny's reaction hadn't been too overwhelming at first, but Emma would arrange everything perfectly. 'It will be perfect.'