ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL ONLINE NEWSLETTER- - - - ISSUE 1
ADVICE COLUMN: - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - BY ANNA SASIN
Dear Anna,
I like this boy named Dan. He's really cute and funny, but he gets in trouble a lot and my parents don't think he will be a good influence on me. Plus, he doesn't even know that I exist. I really like him. What should I do?
-Lovesick Shadow
I think I have that kid is in my class too! He IS awesome! First of all, if you want to get his attention, wear a banana suit to school, stand on your desk in the middle of class, and do the Cotton Eyed Joe dance while singing the chicken dance lyrics. Then from them on, completely avoid him. Everyone (you, him, and your parents) will end up completely happy because dressing up like a banana always takes your mind off boy troubles. Trust me girl!
Dear Anna,
Do you know the best make-up in the world for a date. What do you think is the best make-up for an outgoing sporty girl like me.
-Debbie Mason
Heyyy girlfriend! Want to know a secret? You don't have to worry about make-up if you schedule the date at a masquerade, astronaut training camp, Transformers reenactment, a city ninja convection, or other places where you don't even have to show your face. In these cases, you can just wear a mask! How about one of the masks that are sports balls with funny faces?
Dear Anna,
Let's just say that you were gone on vacation somewhere, and you had a science assignment that you just "forgot" to do. When you walk into science your teacher asks you "Where's your assignment?" what do you do? Now I'm not naming any names, but this person would really appreciate some advice as to her *cough cough* predicament.
-Guilty as Charged
Target the teacher's niche. You can claim that you were watching the Bacterium Transatlantic Marathon on the Science Channel and totally spaced it! You can also claim that you didn't want to add to your dear teacher's heavy grading load. My friend has used this one before, "My sister drew an obscene pictures on the back of my paper last night. I just found it this morning and don't want such an image in our classroom, so could I photocopy the front, and bring it in tomorrow? This isn't the first time..." You can say the voices that live in your heads were screaming all night because it has been two weeks since you last went to the therapist, so you couldn't finish it. It is pretty funny if you just say that sometimes your cat things it is a dog and then walk of shaking your head. Finally, explain how you are saving your homework in a big pile so that when you are in hiding during the zombie apocalypse, you can do them and maintain your education. But to tell the truth, the more collected and truly sorry you seem, the easier it is to get of the hook... not that I would know or anything.
Dear Anna,
In midle skool, my yeacher thincs that im stupid! What should I do to convinxe him otherwise?
-Skool Sorry
Well, honestly, I would learn how to spell words first. It maces a big diferense! Then, memorize long formulas or scientific definitions and recite them to make yourself sound like a genius. Also, check to make sure that you are going to a school that speaks the same language as you. This helps your professor understand you a lot better.
Dear Anna,
Yesterday, my mother and father had a talk with me about how they think I might be mentally insane. They said I should go to a therapist. The word therapist gives me the creeps if you know what I mean, and I don't want to give up my awesome powers! (The therapist not being disturbed would be an added bonus!) HELP!
-I DON'T HAVE ISSUES!
Ah! The life problems that come with being an awesome, powerful person! Mention to the therapist on the first day of therapy that you drink bug-spray everyday for lunch and you like it because it makes your brain tingle. They will tell you to stop. Next time they see you, act normal. This is easier said then done, but you CAN make this fun. Pretending to be normal includes NOT chewing on random objects. This gives you an excuse to bring along a tub of ice-cream to eat instead. Choose a normal flavor though like moose tracks instead of your regular fish food. Deny your powers, and avoid reading the therapist's mind. This will keep you from saying, "That's not true!" before they even open their mouth to speak. They will conclude that the only reason you acted weird before was because you ate bug-spray and now you are fine! Your parents will then pull you out of therapy. Don't be scared of therapists, they normally don't know what they are doing and just want money.
Dear Anne,
My sister stole money from my mom's purse,what should I do?
-Helpless
You can just go on with your life, threaten to tell on her if she doesn't split the money with you, or just go directly to your mom. It depends on how much you hold on to your moral values. Chances are if she steals from your mom, she wouldn't hesitate to steal from you. Set a mousetrap or complex booby trap in your wallet, leave it out in the open, and leave the room. Teach her a lesson! Also you can just annoy her into guilt by following her and giving her fervent preaches about how little actions like that will eventually land her in jail, how Santa is always watching, and how she broke a commandment and may not go to heaven unless she repents by wearing a burlap sack and ashes for the next month.
Dear Anna,
Well, I am in band with my friend/kinda almost crush. But my friend who isn't my friend because she now hates me for some odd reason also has a VERY BIG crush on him, and my other friend, and her friend who she used to be friends with and then hated her and now they are friends again. Then he tries to be friendly sometimes, but other times ignores me. Can you help?
-Lost in Life
I advise that you get the heck out of there sister! Don't rule out the option of stealing away to Marubakusha to escape the pointless drama. I suggest AirTran airlines... they provide in-flight cran-apple juice. If they are really your friends they would stop changing their statuses to best friend, enemy, friend, enemy, kinda friend, mortal enemy, etc. It sounds like your whole class likes him... just saying. If your (insert their currant status here)s aren't in band, then you have an advantage since you get to be with the... lucky... dude more often. If they are in band, then i recommend that you stick a tuba up their noses seconds before they let out a giant sneeze out a giant sneeze. In the best possible situation, this will create a sound from their direction that is so repulsive, others will avoid them for weeks... even you. That gives you enough time to pretend you are a spy on a mission and strategically place yourself in a situation that you can easily involve a hilarious joke into while he is around. That way, you'll be friends. This is step one. For more steps, please consult a mushy, girly magazine.
Dear Anna,
I want to sneak away in the middle of the night to go stalk some people, the only problem is my house has alarms and my window's above the brick stairs leading to the door. How do I get out?
-Stalker or Talker?
As long as you are not stalking me, it sounds like great fun. You can rip up some of your clothes into strips and tie them into a rope ladder. You can also get a life jacket, and attach it to the end of a clothing parachute with strong jewelery chains. Parachutes are simple, very effective, and can be created in a variety of ways. You can easily pull out that metal cross bar in your closet in which your hangers and clothes hang on to construct hang glider. It is also easy to weave clothes into a hot air balloon, use your laundry hamper as the pilot basket, and channel your passion for stalking people as the heat source. Just a thought, you could simply deactivate the alarm system. You know? You can even call 911 and say, "Help! I'm stuck in my bedroom!" When they get you down with a ladder simply say thanks before they can question you and scurry away. Good luck!
Dear Anna,
I have a question (well duh, or wouldn't be writing here...) How do you be friends with your crush? There is a catch: I have his email, and phone number already, we're friends on Facebook, but, his girlfriend is a friend of mine. He barely knows I exist, only have his email and phone number from a project we had to do. HELP!
-Athens Eternal Single Nerd
Well gosh dudette, if he already has a girlfriend, he really isn't worth it. However, you can still be friends. Try to get an assigned seat at his table in one of your classes. How? While the teacher is giving seats out, eye contact, how and where in the room you are standing, and with whom you are speaking with, actually affect where the teacher sits you! It is a tough art, but I have mastered it. Then, constantly smile and tell jokes to your table, not specifically to him, and ask everyone questions so that they all get to know you. If you overhear him tell his opinion about something to his friend in the hall, a week later, when the topic is relevant, mention the same opinion (passing it off as your own) to start a conversation. Soon, you will become more familiar with each other. Another idea, BRING MINTS! You have no idea how fun slipping each other mints under the table is, and ask him, "Do you like them? I baked them myself!" as a joke. Ask him how a basketball game he mentioned earlier went and stuff like that. Soon, you will be familiar enough with each other that you will ask each other what you need for other classes in the hall and stuff. Then, you can start a chat on Facebook occasionally, asking what homework you have, where he is going for vacation, or what time the pep-rally is. Friends. Whatever you do, DON'T actively flirt with him. Don't worry about being his girlfriend until he and your friend breakup. At this age, they will eventually. Trust me, I am a master at the whole flirting with boys business.
Dear Anna,
My brother is completely obsessed with Pokemon. He's constantly glued to his DS, and when he's not, he's TALKING about Pokemon. Pokemon this, Pokemon that... I DO appreciate the awesomeness that is Pokemon, but he's taking it a bit too far. What do I do?
-Sister of a PokeManiac
If he has the theme songs on his iPod in three different languages, throws balls at wild animals, and yells "A Beedrill! Get away before it uses Sting Fling!" whenever a bee buzzes by... then you can't do anything about it. Otherwise, you still have hope! If your name happens to be Amy, you don't have hope. Sorry! What you do is pretend that YOU are obsessed with My Little Ponies. Whenever he starts talking about Pokemon, interrupt with a rant about how the rainbow friendship clouds should be made in to an "action figure" that sings. Blast the CD, "My Little Pony Counting Butterfly Fun," through the house everyday. This will be pretty enjoyable for you. When he asks you to stop being obsessed with them, make a deal with him. You can also introduce him to the epicness of ninjas. Or honestly, you can get yourself overly obsessed with Pokemon so that way, you can be obsessed together!
Dear Anne,
My friends keep telling me to stop being such a geek, but I CAN'T. They think I'm odd because I'm obsessed with both the Japanese culture and ninjas. My family won't give me advice since they won't listen and I have like a billion relatives yet none of them listen to me unless it has to do with this serum thing or whatever. They're a bunch of creeps. Anna, could YOU tell what to do? Stay an obsessive ninja fan, or listen to my friends?
-Japan Fan
And you care about what your friends are telling you why? If you really mind what they say, move to Japan. Everything would work out. You can live in the Japanese culture, and you would be admired for your nationalism. But if that doesn't work out, stay a ninja fan... in fact, become a ninja. This is easier said then done, however ninjas can impersonate anyone. You can live in a secret identity where you are pretend to be obsessed with rainbow unicorns or something. Girls consider that normal, right? In reality though you are still a obsessive fan. Just a thought, I'd stay far away from your cousins. They will get you involved with dangerous stuff and I'm not talking about drugs... just saying. Good luck!
Dear Anna,
I'm going on a date with a guy I really like. The problem is that I don't know what to wear. Help!
-Girl without Glam
Oh the everlasting problems of wardrobe! Well first off, WEAR CLOTHES. I can not stress how important that is. Well, that's all I have! Good luck!
Dear Anna,
The charger for my laptop broke. How would you fix it?
-Tech-need-ogy
Well since it I don't know how it is broken, I would make sure it is plugged in. You can always go to the store to get it fixed. Go as soon as possible because if the charger is still under warranty, they can replace it for free! Use chewing gum to fix it. It can fix almost anything! But your best bet is to call upon the Greek god Applo, the god of fruit and computers.
Dear Anna,
Everyone around me seems to think that both farting and yelling "potato salad" randomly is weird. I do this all the time and consider it normal? What can I do?
-Potato Blume-Norris
Farting is a natural process! If everyone does it... how can it be weird? The average person farts 14 times a day. Farts have been clocked at a speed of 10 feet per second and in real life are flammable. If you have gastrointestinal difficulties, then simply get medicine that provides instant gas relief or really puffy gas-proof underwear! Also, farts are less awkward when you play the Gas Game. If you smell a fart and yell "Doorknob!" before the farter yells "safety!" then they have to do a dare. If the farter yells "Safety!" first, then they are safe. Maybe people would respect your gassy habit more if this game was involved. I know I would. You can also just laugh and blame it on some innocent person across the room to see their reaction. As for randomly yelling "potato salad"... maybe you can focus on egg salad or something for a day to throw the world off guard. Or, you can replace the every one's meals and furniture with potato salad so that when you yell "potato salad" it won't be considered random. I am a genius.
Dear Anna,
What's the best part about being a ninja besides the fighting?
-Karate Klutz
What ISN'T the best part about being a ninja? Honestly.
Dear Anna,
What do you do when you are best friends with your two crushes and they always fight. Plus, they don't like you back and you are secretly dieing inside. I know the obvious answer is not to be friends or not let it bother me, but I really love hanging out with them and I don't know how to make it so that I don't get butterflies all the time. Thank you in advance.
-In the Middle
Well, try to find a way to get then to stop fighting. Teach them deep breathing exercises and yoga poses to express themselves instead. Always remember, by the time you are older, you won't care about the drama now. When you are around them, convince your brain that you are talking to Donald Duck, a goth kid giggling and sliding down a rainbow, or a Tree Octopus. This will keep you smiling as an added bonus, making you even prettier then you already are!
Thanks for all the reviews! Especially those who gave questions! Sorry I took so long to update. FanFiction has been having tech problems AND I wanted to make this epic. Did I succeed? What was your favorite one? I'd love to know! Write your questions as reviews so that I can do another chapter! Without you... this is impossible! But honestly, PLEASE No more relationship advice though! I am giving you my pleading puppy face! Dan was in torture all week long! He barely had time to participate in the fight against the Vespers! How proud would you be if your question showed up here? Pretty proud! Ask Anna! (That should be like the catch phrase or something.)
Where Adventures Begin,
Alex Almighty