ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL ONLINE NEWSLETTER- - - - ISSUE 1
ADVICE COLUMN: - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - BY ANNA SASIN
Dear Anna,
I went to summer camp and met this girl who like this boy, who hated her brother and her brother really like this other girl so this other girl went on a date with another boy who really liked wearing green shirts and had a cousin and the cousin was kinda weird but he knew the guy who liked my friend who wasn't really my friend but we call each other friends even though we hate each other but the cousin was alone so I sent him a panda but he is allergic to panda toys so now he's mad at his cousin. And my family said that the girl who like this certain boy should like another boy because they liked her sister and the other boy had a llama. To top it all of I had crazy people chasing me. What should I do? P.S. I like ducks
- It's complicated
That's… complicated. I literally sat there with a piece of paper and worked it out like I would to a math problem. This is what I discovered. First of all, the only thing you were ever involved in within that whole situation was giving some guy a panda. So what should you do? Well, being the duck fan that you are, look up the song "Nice Weather for Ducks" by Lemon Jelly, and invite all the people mentioned to a big dance party to it! Everyone will throw their problems away and focus on dancing and how all the ducks are swimming in the water. Valda valda valda, valda valda valda!
Dear Anna,
Wanna go out sometime? You sound like a real cool chick and I like intelligent
ones. Call me, 'aight?
-545-**** (Identity Protection)
Aww! Call me first! (Flirty wink) I insist! I don't find the fact that you are asking out a girl you have never seen before and have only heard online and could possibly be a seriously creative 70-year-old male, not desperate and lame at all! Here is my number, 1-800-HELPIMPREGNANT.
Dear Anna,
Some kid is stealing my pens. Don't ask me why. Please. I really think it's
that kid who sits beside me and picks his nose every five seconds, SO I DO NOT
WANT THEM BACK, but I would appreciate it if you could help me devise a plan to make him stop. You know, stealing my pens. I am seriously running out of pens here. Thanks in advance.
-That-Pen-is-MINE
There are many MANY ways to teach him a lesson, my friend. I am currently grinning evilly. Put a tiny explosive in the end of the pen that detonates when it is moved 100 yards from your office, covering the perpetrators in ink. They will learn quickly! If you don't have time to invent a non-lethal pen sized explosive, then you are not alone. You can glue your pen to the desk one day and watch amused as he tries to tug it off. Or, you can tie some fishing line on to it, go to the bathroom before class, and when he tries to get it, yank it away a couple inches again and again. It is a pretty funny sight. The easiest way however, is to write sayings on the sides or buy pens that he would be embarrassed to be seen with. This may include "Daphne's Fashionlicous Training Academy", "I Pick My Nose and Rub it Here", "Ralph's Nudist Camp", "I stole this pen from (Insert Your Name Here.), or simply, (Insert Your Name Here) is EPICER then me! If you have a job, put your ad on your pens and use it as a free advertising opportunity.
Dear. Anna,
I. Have. A. Phobia. Of. Long. Sentences... I. Always. Write. Like. This. To.
Avoid. Ear-piercing. Shrieks. And. Fainting... But. I. Am. Failing. English...
What. Do. I. Do?
-Short. Sentences. Rule.
Pull of your ending punctuation keys of your keyboard for a quick and easy fix. However, then all your sentences would be run-ons. Pinpoint the part that makes you go wacko. Is it the SIGHT of the sentence? If so, blind fold yourself and become a super good typer as well. Maybe, when writing, whenever you have the urge to put a period, write a dot on the side of the paper instead, creating the illusion in your hand, that you are writing the way you usually do. But to tell the truth, if you are failing English and your teacher and parents are around this problem, they really should have taken you to rehab by now. I just realized you probably fainted while reading this because I wrote normally. So I must ask, what does it feel like to go psycho and faint? I have always wanted to know! I have tried to before, but it feels genuine.
Dear Anna,
Could you tell me some good clothes to go with my style? I'm the ninja-ish type so I'd like some clothing choices that make that show. Oh and any suggestions in wardrobe for the rest of the student population?
-Style Starving
Just call me Styling Sasin! The good thing about a ninja-ish style is that people don't see you most the time because you are sneaking past them. So really, you can go to school in a tutu, mouth guard, and hippie wig. However, the invisibility cloak or the classic ninja outfit hit the style head on. If you lean more to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle category, strapping a laundry basket to your back is a valid option as well. Suggestions for the other student's wardrobes? Well, they should try to find wardrobes that lead to Narnia.
Dear Anna,
I have written to inform you that 'Daniel Cahill' has a ticking time bomb in his desk, disguised as a borrowed pencil. I did not put it there; I merely sit behind him in class and noticed the pencil ticking. I discovered that it indeed was a bomb, scheduled to go off tomorrow, at 13:00 military time but could not dismantle it. May I humbly request that you inform him of this strange happening? Please inform him also that 20-8-5 1-12-12 2-18-1-14-3-8 13-5-5-20-9-14-7 9-19 15-14 19-21-14-4-1-25, and A=1.
-Too Observant for my Own Good
Advice for future: next time you sit next to someone who can be obliterated any second, you should probably warn them face to face, considering they are right there. If I happen to bump into this "Dan Cahill" you speak of I will alert him. However, he probably already knows about the ticking bomb and is just reenacting "The Potter Puppet Pals and the Mysterious Ticking Noise" to make his school life more interesting. Just a suspicion.
Dear Anna,
I'm a tomboy and I hate it when people call me by my full name, which is girly. Most people call me Alex. Which is good but one of my teachers only calls me Alexandra. Any ideas how would I be able to get him to stop calling me Alexandra?
-Name Pain
Well, you can legally change your name to Fobusstrapicla or Shakleton. Problem solved. Or, if that is to much work for you, discover what name HE hates to be called. Maybe his first name is Marciscotooga but every other adult calls him Mar. If so, he would be in the same situation as my cousin, Mar. Just call him by his first, full name to he finally calls you Alex.
Dear Anna,
First of all, if that's your real name, you have the best name ever! Assassins are awesome! I have two questions for you. One: Which Pokémon would make the best ninja? Two: Do you like unicorns and flowers and the color pink and mushy lovey relationships and other girly stuff? I really don't because honestly, what's so great about flowers and hearts and all that? (Oh I guess that makes it 3 questions.)
-Popcorn Brain
Thanks! It was my great grandmas name. Assassins… what are you talking about? Pht! Well, the most ninja Pokémon of all is the Ninpow! However, they are super hard to catch because they are so ninja like. In fact, no one has ever caught one before. In fact, nobody has ever seen them either. In fact, most people don't even know they exist! How is that for ninja? Of course I like girly stuff! Everybody knows all girls like that stuff. And I am a girl. Not a boy at all. So, obviously I like that stuff. In fact, I just flipped my long flowing hair that has a big pink bow in it. Wow, you don't like it? I never knew that some girls didn't! Good to know. What is so great about flowers? Well, they give Pokémon like the Combee and Beedrill something to feed on! Surely you knew that! Ask you science teacher about the heart's importance. It is kind of why you are alive right now. Unless you are referring to the hearts people draw on paper. Because, I really have no idea why they made the universal shape for love looks like a butt.
Dear Anna,
What is the best type of martial arts? I am interested in taking a class, but I'm not sure what one.
Thanks!
-Soon-to-be NINJA!
Well if you are soon to be a ninja, Ninjusiu is the type of martial arts legit ninjas used to train. However, there are hundreds of other styles. It is virtually impossible to pick a best. You have to pick a type that capitalizes in your strengths. Karate has special emphasis is placed on attack deflection. Aikido is all about using your opponent's momentum against him. Wing Chun's has signature punches that include very fast, rapid-fire left, right punches to the attacker's chest. Jiu-Jitsu simple effective moves to accomplish grappling, hard striking, eye gouging, chokeholds, biting, and joint locks. Kickboxing, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, Taekwondo, Karz-Maga… the list goes on and on. It is good for self-defense on the grounds that you body is sort of lethal weapon. So, to start, pick one that's style fits YOU. Some are more about meditation, others contact, others respect. I never realized how epic the girls at our school really are. Though I suppose you might actually be a boy! Anyways, good luck!
Dear Danna... I mean Anna,
Hypothetically, if someone got captured by an evil group of people and they were trying to get vital information out of … the person held captive… that could determine the fate of the world, and they left you alone for a while with just a laptop in the room that is programmed to not let that person ask for help, what should they do? Oh, and hypothetically, let's say that they are held captive at an abandoned warehouse a few miles south of Boston... maybe about 20 miles. Hypothetically.
-Secret M agent
Well… heehee. Go to an online dating site that military officers use to hook up. Create an incredible hot profile and have lots of fun with it. Make the profile picture Twinkie the Kid and you'll have requests in no time. Ask out like fifty people and tell them to meet you basically where the warehouse is. While waiting for them to show up, spend your hours playing Robot Unicorn on the Internet. Then, sit back, and watch it all go down.
Dear Anna,
Um... this is very awkward, but... okay starting over. I like this guy. He's my, um... first crush. Well, I don't know what to do. Sometimes I look up and see him looking at me, but other times I think he thinks I'm a freak. I know I should try to talk to him, but whenever I'm around him I act like an idiot! It's really horrible! Is there anyway I can find out if he likes me? I really don't know, as I've said this is my first crush... kind of new to this.
-Confused Crusher
Well… here is method one. When you have a suspicion that he is looking at you, yawn. Then look at him. If he is busy yawning there is a good chance that he was looking at you before since yawns are contagious. Clever, huh? Unfortunately, this doesn't often work because people don't stare at their crushes the ENTIRE lesson because sometimes they need or good grade or are just deeply entertained by how the mole on the teacher's face goes up and down as she talks. But really, just imagine you are talking to someone else as you talk to him. Lay back, relax, and be yourself. People overanalyze crushes. If they are meant to be, they will just fall into place. If you are still desperate for ideas, remember that when you wish upon a shooting star, all your dreams will come true! Unless of course that shooting star is really a meteor about to destroy the Earth. Then you're pretty much dead and your wish was wasted... unless your wish was "death by meteor." You know what, scratch all that.
Dear Anna,
Two of my cousins have MAJOR crushes on this guy, and now they are mad at each other. I have to hang out with both of them every other day to build relationships with them after our families got into a… fight. So, how do I get Reg and Nat to stop fighting and putting me in the middle?
-Mystery
Every guy has his flaws. In fact they basically are flaws on the face of this Earth because girls rule! Hair flip! Anyway, discover the grossest and weirdest things about them, document these behaviors, and show them your discoveries. Trust me, if he doesn't seem weird, then you don't really know the guy. BTW, I'd love to see what you dig up. It should be quite amusing.
Dear Anna,
Okay, so there's this guy in my science class (not naming any names- TOMMY!) but he says I'm weird. Which I'm not! So let's say that *hypothetically* I stuck a poisonous snake that I *borrowed* from my cousins into his locker... and now he's in the emergency room? Um, so, do you think I could get in trouble for that?
-Common Senseless
So you just jammed your snake in there? (twss) Hmm… let us review a list of things that are not allowed in school. Firearms, animals, vandalism, poison, injuring of other students… hmm… you have broken all of these! Yes, I know about the explosive Nerf gun inside of your backpack. So basically, yes... yes you can get in trouble for that. That is of course unless you don't get caught. Though posting your deed on the school website isn't a smart move because now the school board knows that the snake isn't just the one who Harry Potter helped escape from the London zoo and found refuge in a locker, but a random snake planted there on purpose. But again, do your best to cover-up your tracks and you might be fine. By the way, do you have an extra snake on hand that I could burrow? Pink of course.
Dear Anna,
My mom and dad keep lecturing me about my study habits. I really hate getting lectures from them because it makes me feel bad and all that I let them down. I want to have some sort of method to tune them out but I just can't do it convincingly. HELP!
-Sick-and-Tired of Earfuls
Well, you can always improve your study habits or at least make it look like you are by makeing a file folder box with a pocket for all your classes. It will make you look SO organized and you also won't have to have all your old papers at school. Just point to it whenever he walks in your room and he'll be like, "Holy Mother that girl can study!" and then sprint out onto the streets to announce it to the world. However, if you happen to be Asian, results may vary. (jk) Tuning out your parents very pointless and longwinded lectures is an important skill needed and used for by children then really studying itself is. Train yourself to sleep with your eyes open. A great time to practice is during math class. If you are sitting up, it is natural to bob your head when sleeping; making you look involved in the conversation. Best of all, it looks like you are shaking and nodding your head all at once so if they ask you a question, you are sure to get the answer right. If you talk in your sleep… even better. Of course, it sounds normally like mumbling, but that is what you normally do in these conversations anyway. If you are one of those people who every once in a while say something translatable in your sleep and interrupt yelling, "Mushrooms are the pickle to my pudding but my polar bear's slipper blend in with his fur!" that might be an issue. However, if this gets you admitted to the mental hospital, you will never have to listen to constant speeches and you are excused for having bad grades in the past because after all, you were mental! Well, that is way number one. The second one is to drown out there voices with outside noises. Pay a neighbor or the little voices in your head to blast the stereo all day, hire the loudest cicadas to be in season whenever it's final week, tap into mental conversations with the voices inside your head… you get the point. You can also stick your head between the house cushions to… this is going on to long. I have millions of ideas that if I put all of them up for you, the school websites website would crash with the overload of epic information. Hopefully one of these work!
Dear Anna,
I'm sick of my mom ragging on me about how I'm always antisocial, in a bad mood, and never talking to her. It's driving me crazy. Obviously, she doesn't understand why I'm always in a bad mood, and I'd like to keep it that way. Any suggestions as to how to get her off my back?
-Grumpy the Dwarf (that's the legal term for "midget")
Become TOO animated. Talk to her all the time. Literally all the time, leave no second unoccupied by sound. Be so optimistic that if your cat dies you go on and on about how at least you don't have to worry about her dying anymore! And if she has a friend over, literally talk to the friend nonstop. Dance around the house and talk about how much you love school. Two days of doing this (at the most) and she will take it all back and you will be free for the rest of your life! (until you get married or become a nun)
Dear Anna,
I love one boy. He is blonde, with hazel eyes. Just one word: BEAUTIFULL! One day I was mad at him, so he kissed me on the cheek. He is not my boyfriend, we are just friends. I told what happened to my best friend and she didn't talk to me for days! After a while, she came to me and told me he is her boyfriend. I was devastated. But because I'm a great actress, I told her I was happy for her and she believed me. What should I do?
-The Heartbroken
FINALLY someone has good acting. I hate the dramas on TV when the characters find out something and they don't know how to act. (The characters don't, not the actresses. Of course the actresses know how to act because they have to act pretty dumb in dramas to play their role. Or maybe the actress really is exactly like her character and everyone thinks she's acting on TV but really they just put her in a situation and let her react dumbly and she doesn't even know she is on television because she is seriously that dumb and it saves a lot of money too because… is it even legal to have so much text in parenthesis because… and now back to our regularly scheduled programming... which is like… stop ranting self!) Anyway, congratulations for not lashing out at her. It is tempting to be mad at your friend, but maybe you should be mad at the guy. I mean, he totally led you on and then dated your friend. Confront him about it. Trust me, guys would like to see you be strong and confront them rather then act all weird. I know because I'm not one. Or have your friend confront him cause really, she should be the one who is mad at HIM. However, she could be lying about him being her boyfriend to keep you farther from him cause she has a crush on him and is jealous. This would classify her as one of those dumb girls in dramas.
Dear Anna,
I know this girl who acts like a cobra. I don't really like to talk to her, but I have to (my parents told me to) because her parents just disowned her. What should I talk to her about, or what should I do?
-Tired of Snakes
Embrace the opportunity! If she acts like a cobra, see if she sways to music when you play the flute. This is actually an ideal opportunity to have a tutor on how to slither properly. This skill is great to have in life when hunting Pokémon from the shadows. Cobra girl. Cobras are the only snakes in the world that can spit their venom. They are good at it too! Have her be your sensei so you can dominate the next cherry-pit spitting competition you attend! Also, Cobras see very well at night incase you want to bring her the next time you break in to Rick Riordan's house at midnight and download all the files on his computer.
Dear An Assasin...I mean Anna Sasin,
There's this boy in this school, his name is Dan. He loves Pokémon and ninjas. He got in trouble for taking out samurai swords during music class, and blabbering about Mozart. Should I give him back the swords, which I nicked back from the principal's office?
Cynthia Lucy "Ryenne" Hart
YES! I mean… yes. You definitely should because he would most likely give you a huge hug even if you were a slimy rhinoceros with extremely good typing abilities, offer to be a part of the next epic mission you go on to the principal's office, and hand you the nearest staple gun for no apparent reason. Trust me, I know boys like the back of my hand that has nail polish on the fingers. It is the right thing to do. Otherwise, your school might run down a ninja.
Dear Anna,
What do you do if your brother is obsessed with ninjas and video games and does not care THAT THE FATE OF THE WORLD IS IN BALANCE! I mean and he doesn't care about, let's say I became a... family leader someday AND WITH ALL THE STRESS I HAVE, HE GIVES ME MORE! And let's pretend that we had to fight someone to save the world AND HE WORRIES ABOUT HIS NINJA COSTUMES!
-Yam is gonna kill Nad
Oh honey! You poor thing! Sometimes, though you may not realize this, your brother is actually strengthening your stress endurance and making you a better person. It may be hard to accept his epicosity, because it is hard for yourself to admit that you lack in this department. However, realizing it's presence can help you through this difficult time. Maybe you should just go get a massage and a ninja costume to distress. Then, buy him things. It will help get your mind of your problems.
Dear Anna,
I have two best friends but they don't like to talk to me. Sometimes I feel really lonely and would sit by myself and read a book. Can you give me some advice? Thanks Anna.
-The Third Wheel
Harsh. Well, invite them over separately so that you can bond with them both. Take them to the VeggieTales musical and then out to eat mango flavored frozen yogurt. They will then both worship you and when you guys hang out all together, you will be closer with both and they will be obligated to include you more. But really, what kind of friends are those? Just write the word Elmo across your forehead with a big red Sharpie.
Dear Anna,
My best friend hates me! AND I HAVE NO CLUE WHY! :(
-Friendless
While that's… depressing. But really? If you consider someone who hates you your best friend, I would hate to see whom you consider your enemy. Just a shot in the dark… maybe you can just ask her why she hates you. Most people have reasons. Maybe it's the fact that you sneak multiple pineapples into your locker every morning and it paranoids her because she doesn't know what you do with them or where they go by the end of the day. Many people at this school feel the same way. Look for someone who has the word Elmo written on their forehead in red Sharpie. If it is in any other color, it is just a random person who is actually just weird and draws random words on their face every morning. But if it is red Sharpie, this person will be your new friend! :D
Dear Anna Sasin,
A couple days ago I bought a couple of shurikens from this guy at school, because I love ninjas! And I was supposed to get the shurikens yesterday, but the guy just said I was too late for them and went off running and wouldn't give me a refund. I really want to steal all of his ninja collection. Or maybe cause him some pain. So what option do you think I should choose?
-Murderous-ninja-fan
Peace I always the answer… to Theology homework! Mwa-ha, mwa-ha, moohoohahahaha! Prepare to get your hands dirty sista! And when I say dirty, I mean glittery of course. The best revenge is a to give him taste of his own medicine. Take a circular sled, spray paint it metallic silver with epic red streaks, and cut it into a giant ninja star! Obviously lure him into pay you over $1,737 dollars for it (cause it is a valuable ancient artifact and all) and then run of into the sunset. That night, obviously, break in to his house with it. Steal his whole ninja collection, draw on his face with henna (a classic ink from India that lasts for weeks), download all the Justin Bieber and Rebecca Black songs on to his iPod, dye all his clothes pink, and set up a booby trap so that he trips into his Native American arrowhead collection as he gets out of bed. Really, just have fun with it. Let's just say he is going to have a really weird morning. However, do not do what Poe did in his story Cask of Amontillado and bury him alive as revenge because I just read that in class and that was just plain creepy. Have fun! (I know you will.)
Dear Anna,
I am an aspiring writer on Fanfictiondotcom. There's this guy who always writes hilarious stories. Whenever I review him, I feel repetitive (e.g. this is hilarious, great as ever, ok bye) Do you have some creative and new ideas to what I should say to him in a review?
~It's All Fun And Games Until You Don't Know What To Say
Hmm. It seems like Fiske has that website blocked on our computers for some reason. I'll have to look it up next time I am dragged to a library. Well, you can write your review as a wildlife photography documentary, a poem, a paragraph where almost all the words start with p, a TV commercial, or any other form of epicossity. No matter what, people love feedback. Most of all, they love hearing your favorite parts/quotes from the story or what happened reading it. Also, you should send him brownies, pie, and watermelons to thank him for his time. Boys like that stuff. Not like I would know though. UPDATE: I just got back from the library. Two words. HOLY. GARAKUTA.
-THANKS FOR THE REVIEWS! The positive feedback all made my life because I worked really hard last time! And 62 reviews with only two chapters and only one of any importance! Cue the heavenly music! Thanks especially to those who gave questions! Dang this is long! 19 pages on Word with twelve-point font! That is LLLOOOOONNNNGGG! I'm sorry if I missed any questions! If so it was an accident or almost identical to another one! Maybe next time I should do half at a time so I can update faster!
-Sorry to the moon and back I took so long to update. This summer has been super duper busy. I was going camping and backpacking a lot, had soccer five times a week, football three times a week, gave little kids surfing lessons for service hours, had summer gym, and am moving. Despite that, I managed to finish this last month. However, my laptop got "reimaged" for school and apparently that deletes all your files! Ahhh! I lost all my iTunes music that I bought in the week I had my laptop too. Which was about a hundred songs. I had to write this over which was complete torture and took a lot longer then the first time and I keep on worrying I am missing something. I am really sorry! I was thinking about posting an authors note to explain but I always hate when people do that cause it gets my hopes up and there is a new chapter and then I get depressed when there isn't. Okay, I'm done explaining.
-But honestly, what do the words "No more relationship advice!" mean to you? And the pleading puppy face! I whipped that out for freaking nothing! Dan was in torture once again! Btw, not EVERYONE has a crush on Dan. Also, he is the only known Cahill at his school. Also, nobody gives out full names in advice columns! Haha! Keep that in mind!
-AHHHHH! Medusa's Plot is out and I preordered it like five months (and A King's Ransom) but still haven't got it cause I am moving an I have to wait for them to forward it to my new address! I am actually sleeping in my new bed tonight and that is the only piece of furniture in the room so far so I put it in the middle of the room so that it feels like I am on an island right now! But ahhh! Everyone is going to be older in the book! I just hope they don't drop Dan's epicness just because he's older and make him all mature because I am probably as mature as I was when I was seven… maybe even less mature. I literally can't wait. I need to read something good! I have read "The Help" for school over the summer. I have tried for a week and got to page eleven and just started writing the book report because it was obvious what would happen already. My brain can't take seriousness! Oh! And the Son of Neptune comes out in October! Ahhhh! Oh my Leo come back to me!
-So, I promised to write the Medusa's Plot in Ian's POV. I will have to see after I read it whether that is possible or not. He may not be in there too much. However, I will definitely write something so be on the look out! Also, I am gathering a list of the best quotes from all the books. I need people to do certain books so please contact me if you want to help! I already got them from Vesper's Rising but that is almost all.
-Anyways… how was it this time around? What was your favorite one? I'd love to know! Write your questions and review so that I can do another chapter! It may not come out for a while so be patient, but still. Yay! Actually, I was thinking about making an advice website… hmm. How cool would that be? Want to see your question show up here? Ask Anna!
Where Adventures Begin,
-Alex Almighty