Ah, it's the final part! Hope you enjoyed this lovely piece of parody!
Disclaimer: We don't own any of the Harry Potter or Harry Potter related copyrights.
Transfiguration turned out to be not nearly as exciting as "DADA." The only odd thing that Spencer could find was that Professor McGonagall was dressed completely in tartan; everything from her hat to the laces on her boots was tartan. Other than that, the class was normal.
As she was leaving class, Spencer noticed that Professor McGonagall was wearing one of those stick-on nametags that say "Hello, my name is…" Upon closer inspection, the name written on the tag was "Professor Mcgonaildefn." Spencer paused as she filed out of class earning herself a "Keep moving Hoheimer! I hate Potter!" from Lily.
"Yeah, excuse me, Enforcer, I need to speak with Professor McGonagall," Spencer said.
"All right, but make it quick, you're holding everyone else up. I hate Potter!" Lily grudgingly agreed because there was no rule against students talking to teachers after class.
"Professor?" Spencer asked cautiously approaching McGonagall's desk.
"Yes, Miss Hoheimer?" McGonagall said, looking up from her papers.
"I was just wondering, are you aware that you are wearing a name tag, and your name is spelled wrong?" Spencer asked.
"What are you talking about, Miss Hoheimer? My name is spelled correctly here; you see, M-C-G-A-N-I-G-A-I-L," McGonagall said, actually spelling her name again, differently than what was on the nametag to begin with.
Spencer decided to let the matter drop and joined her classmates who were lined silently up in the hall where Lily was waiting to take them all to Muggle Studies.
"Since when does everyone take Muggle Studies?" Spencer asked Siria as all of the Gryffindors and Slytherins marched in time.
"I don't know," said Siria as she scratched her head. "We all just do. I like it though; my favorite broom closet is in the same hallway as the Muggle Studies classroom and I sometimes feign illness and just hang out in there all class snogging some random boy."
"Oh, ok," Spencer replied. She didn't have time to say anything else because they had arrived at the classroom.
"Hello class!" Professor Bubblybottom called as they entered and went to their assigned seats. "I have a very special project for you today!"
The class would have groaned, but such verbal expressions were forbidden.
"You are all going to get married and raise children! It's pretend, but not really! So Lily and James, Siria and Sirius, Rema and Remus, you are all married… I mean paired up just for this class project. And the rest of you are paired up tooo but you don't really matter. Oh, we have an odd number of students… well Pettigrew I guess that rules you out! You'll never get married anyways so you don't need to learn these skills! I'm just going to ignore you for the rest of the year," announced the voluptuous Professor Bubblybottom. "Anyway, your new houses are on the grounds. You are all required to live with your spouses for the remainder of the year. You will be given children that are remarkably lifelike because they are real babies that just so happen to look exactly like your real children will look like! They are also pre-named!"
Spencer raised her hand and when she was called on she asked suspiciously, "Professor what is the point of this project exactly?"
"It's to get certain students to realize that they were meant to be together!" said the Professor in a bubbly way. "Now go on out to your houses; your children will be in the cradles in the nurseries. Their names are painted on the cradles. Have fun everyone!"
The professor skipped out of the classroom, and Lily took over.
"All right everyone! I hate Potter! Pair up with your project partners and line up near the door! I hate Potter! I will escort everyone to the grounds to start your projects! I hate Potter! Since this is the last class of the day, you will all remain in your houses with your spouses and babies! I hate Potter!" Lily instructed, and everyone scrambled to obey.
Professor Bubblybottom skipped back into the room, "Oh, one more thing children! You will all be assigned a House elf that will cook and clean for you. And since you are required to attend classes, this House elf will also take care of the child while you are in class. Don't we make life so much easier than it is on you!
"One more thing, play-dates are also encouraged!"
She skipped away once more.
"Alright everyone follow me! I hate Potter!" Lily the Enforcer shouted.
Everyone filed out of the room, paired up with their spouses- er, project partners.
When they reached the grounds, it was as if Suburbia had transplanted itself right on the Hogwarts grounds. All the houses looked exactly the same, but there were four alternating colors: white, light blue, tan, and yellow. They saw Hagrid standing near the edge of the sea of houses. He spotted them and came over.
"'Ello all. I see yeh go' yer as'ignmen's. Goo' I jus' fin'shed settin' ev'ryt'ing u'," he said.
Spencer had been paired with a rather large Slytherin 7th year named Flint, and while he settled himself on the couch in the living room in front of the magically altered television, she cautiously made her way to the nursery. Inside, was a green and snake themed nursery. Obviously, this child was meant to be a Slytherin. The green cradle had the name Marcus painted in silver on the front.
"This has got to be a nightmare. I have no idea what is going on. It's like everyone has been replaced with bad stereotypes…," she said to herself as she walked over to the cradle.
The baby was incredibly lifelike. Well, aside from the fact that it wasn't moving, but rather lying there with its bright blue eyes wide open. Spencer frowned, and reached her hand down to give it a poke.
"Waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!" As if on cue, the baby instantly burst into a terrible shrieking and wailing. Spencer jumped back with a yell.
"Shh, shh, it's alright. Could use a little help in here!" she called loudly. From the living room came a grunt.
"Busy. Quidditch. Watching."
Spencer sighed. This was going to be a long night.
By the time the baby had finally stopped crying, it was long after midnight. Spencer quietly closed the nursery door, dragged Flint from the television, and together they went to check out the bedroom.
There was one bed.
"I'm sleeping on the couch tonight," she told Flint, grabbing an armful of blankets and pillows before promptly stomping out. Rather than getting a good rest, Spencer ended up flipping through the television channels. "There's nothing on," she groaned for the fiftieth time, rubbing her tired eyes.
She wasn't the only one awake at this hour; a faint noise came from outside. She couldn't tell what it was, but it had that sort of uneasy, suspicious quality that noises usually have when someone is all alone in a dark room. Spencer crept to the front door, and slowly inched it open enough to peek through the crack. A black shape was slinking across the grounds and back towards the castle. She squinted.
"Snape?" she whispered to herself. Quickly snatching up a pair of slippers, and her wand, she snuck out of the house and took up pursuit. After about fifteen minutes of speed-tiptoeing through the corridors and up staircases, Spencer saw the greasy Slytherin disappear into a door on the second floor.
She raised her eyebrows. "The girl's bathroom?" There was an Out of Order sign on the door. Hesitating a moment, she slipped in after him.
The murmur of voices stopped immediately. Spencer froze, and blinked in the dim light. She had walked in on some sort of meeting, apparently, for the bathroom was full of people. Mismatching people, that was: one half of the group was dressed identically in long menacing black robes, and masks…while the other half were students in not-so-menacing pajamas.
"Er, hey, everyone," Spencer said slowly. Silence. It seemed they were all just as surprised to see her, as she was to see them. She seized the moment to take a better look around. "Peter? What are you doing here?"
Sitting next to Snape was a very nervous Pettigrew in fluffy bunny slippers.
"I-um-sleepover," he managed to say, swallowing. He kept tugging down on his left sleeve.
Spencer wasn't convinced. "Wh—" she began, but jumped as a high cold laugh echoed from stall to stall and made her hair stand on end. A few of the other people cowered.
"Is that the best greeting you can give our guest, Wormtail?" Off in the deepest shadows of the room, a set of cat-like eyes gleamed, vividly scarlet. Was she seeing things? She frowned at the eyes. They frowned back. "I would invite you to join us, however…"
The cold voice trailed off, and there was awkward silence again. Someone coughed, "Mud-blood," and another snickered maturely, "Eww, cooties!" Spencer took a step back.
"Y-you're holding a meeting here, out of all places?" she asked, half frightened, half disbelieving. "It makes no sense. Wouldn't Dumbledore know-? Wait, how did all of you get in here, in the first place?" Spencer suddenly noticed that most of the Death Eaters' robes looked damp.
"You don't want to know," one of them muttered.
"Now, now," the evil eyes said coolly, "no complaints, Rosier. Merlin knows you were over-due for a bath." Spencer caught sight of a pale, spidery-fingered hand drawing a wand in the darkness. "This location is the very brilliance of it all; right under the old fool's nose, while he remains oblivious."
"Obviously," commented Snape, as if the explanation was, well, obvious.
"He won't be oblivious if I tell him," Spencer took another step backward, closer to the door.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you," a masked Death Eater warned rather unconcernedly.
"And who would believe you?" the scarlet eyes retorted. "The word of a child? Certainly not Dumbledore, as wise and twinkly as he is."
Obviously oblivious to the seriousness of the situation, one of the younger students cleared her throat nervously. "Um, Mr. Dark Lord, sir, can we head to bed? I've a really important Transfiguration test early in the morning, you see." Everyone yawned simultaneously.
Voldemort ignored them. "Now, before you try running off," he turned his attention back toward Spencer. The spidery hand began to raise the wand.
"This is my bathroom! No boys allowed!" came a shrill wailing cry, followed by a bang, and an explosion of water all over the ground. The assemblage jumped, resulting in several of them slipping and falling to the floor. "Get out!"
Moaning Myrtle didn't need to say that twice. Faster than you could shout, "Hold your hippogriffs!" Spencer sped out the door in the confusion.
"This is a nightmare, this has got to be a nightmare!" she kept muttering to herself every corner she turned as she sprinted along the corridors. Still running, she looked over her shoulder. This was a bad idea, as when she looked in front her, she realized she was hurtling towards a stairwell, and the staircase currently wasn't there. Going too fast to stop, she careened over the edge.
As she screamed, the cold stone floor raced up to meet her. She closed her eyes, just before she hit…
And sat straight up in bed, gasping for air.
"Oh, it was just a dream. That's a relief, that was so strange," she sighed.
The door burst open and a disheveled Lily crept in. Upon seeing that Spencer was awake, she beamed, and stuck out her left hand.
"Potter proposed! We're getting married!"
Spencer's eyes widened, and she screamed, waking everyone in Gryffindor Tower.