Unbeta'd.
"Say something," she breathed, her voice barely audible and even more desperate. "Please."
I looked over at her, her face tear-stained and sad. I hated seeing her like this. I hated that our relationship had come to this, that our friendship was essentially over.
"Edward…"
I couldn't listen to her beg. I knew what she wanted me to say, but I couldn't give it to her. I couldn't tell her how much what she'd done had ripped my heart in two, that I was dying inside without her in my life, that I missed our kids. I couldn't. Not after what she'd done.
"What do you want me to say, Bella? What could I possibly say right now that is going to make this fucked up nightmare go away?"
I looked at her expectantly. I was met with silence and the sight of her bottom lip trembling, fighting to hold back the tears I knew were on the verge of overflowing.
"Do you want me to tell you how much this sucks? Do you want me to get angry, yell and scream? Will that make you feel better? Or maybe you want me to tell you how betrayed and angry I feel that you could sleep with… Emmett… of all people" I said bitterly, barely able to force his name out. "I want to rip that man's hands off for even looking at you, touching you… much less fuc-" I stopped.
Tears were running down her face now. Her head was telling me no, but the broken look in her eyes told me this was exactly what she wanted to hear. She wanted me to punish her; she needed to feel some passion and penance from me. I knew it. And even though I didn't want to give in, I couldn't help myself. I had to tell her. She had to know how much I needed her, how even after everything that had happened, all the harsh words we'd said to each other, that I still loved her. Desperately.
I reached over to touch her but stopped before my fingers could reach her wrist. It wasn't my place to touch her anymore. I softened my voice and finally let it all come out.
"Do you want me to tell you how lonely I am? How I can barely breathe without you or that I miss the sound of your laugh and seeing a smile on your face? Because I am. I can't breathe, and I do miss all those things.
"I miss you so goddamn much it hurts, Bella, but I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how let it all go. All I see when I'm with you is you and him. I imagine how he touched you or kissed you, and it makes me sick," I said, my voice breaking at the end.
"Is that what you wanted to hear? Because it's the truth. "
Her watery brown eyes met mine for what felt like the first time in a long time. And I wanted to cry and hope and believe that we could move forward, but I just didn't know how.
I took one last look at her, her arms wrapped tightly around her waist, her body curled in as she cried. I wanted to go to her, pull her up against my chest and tell her everything was going to be okay. But it's won't. Not for a while, anyway.