A/N - Thanks for the reviews on the first chapter, they were very encouraging! And a big thanks goes out to my kick ass beta who gave me some amazing ideas.
Also, I probably don't need to say this, buttt...I got a pretty pissy review stating that this story sucks because of the Elena/Stefan storyline and they weren't going to read it because it wasn't OMG DELENA. People. This is going to be a long journey. I had Elena and Damon kiss in the first damn chapter. The tags are Elena and Damon. Do I really need to spell it out for you? Let me assure you, I want what you want. /rant
Anyway! Thank you for reading. And rock on.
In the days before Stefan and Elena's departure to France, normal tense emotions were magnified by a thousand. The end of the school year came and went and Elena tried her best to keep afloat. Her excitement and curiosity for the journey were equal to her confusion and frustration towards her conflicting feelings for the Salvatore brothers. She caught herself stealing as many forbidden glances at Damon as she could get away with, reasoning that soon enough, she wouldn't be seeing him at all for a long time. Even though he was busy making plans with Olivia and Gabriel, Elena could tell Stefan was keeping an eye on her; trying to gauge her emotions, trying to read her heart. He was also keeping covert tabs on Damon. Elena tried to reassure him she was excited and her heart was into the trip, but he didn't seem completely convinced. It was exhausting. Elena wanted out.
"You're really doing this?" Bonnie said over a plate of fries at the grill.
"I'm really doing this," Elena said, still hardly believing it herself. "It'll be good. It'll be good to get away from everything, and for me and Stefan to be alone for a while."
Caroline shook her head. "You really love Stefan that much? You love him so much, you're going to let him drag you away to France during your senior year? Just so you can be alone with him? God, Elena, you can do that here. Drag him into a closet. Make out in your car. Don't move thousands of miles away just to look into his dreamy eyes somewhere other than Mystic Falls."
Elena chuckled. "It's just for the summer. Hopefully I won't miss any of my senior year. And it's not that easy, Caroline. Things have changed so much. Look at us. Two years ago we were just...us. Now we're the witch, the vampire and the doppelganger. My adopted parents are dead. My real parents, a vampire killer and a vampire, are dead. My aunt, also a vampire, is dead. Jenna didn't ask for that. She didn't even know any of this was happening until a few weeks ago. I have to get out of here. I can't stand to watch anyone else I love suffer."
Bonnie scoffed. "I don't know about that. There's still some people you love who will suffer anyway."
"Come on, Bonnie, you won't even know I'm gone. You have Jeremy now. Please take care of him. He's not taking this very well."
"Of course he's not, Elena. You're his sister. He needs you. And yes, I will take care of him. He is always safe with me. But anyway, I wasn't talking about Jeremy. Or me."
Elena's eyes narrowed. "What..."
"She's talking about Damon," Caroline said matter of factly. "Bonnie was referring to Damon. We all know, Elena. You don't have to hide it from us anymore."
"Oh, come on guys, he couldn't care less," Elena said, feeling terrible. "He barely tolerates us as it is." This was a lie. Everyone knew it was a lie. She didn't even know why she said it. She wished she could tell them everything. But if she said it out loud; if she admitted the complexity and intensity and confusion of her feelings for Damon, that meant they were real. And she wasn't ready for that. Besides, they were her feelings-they lived in her heart, and she wanted to keep them all to herself. Not even her best friends needed to know how she felt.
"Damon is destroyed that you're leaving," Bonnie said. "And we're going to be the ones who stay behind to pick up his pieces. Just as he was getting a little humanity, you have to leave him here. He has no one, Elena. Did you ever think about that?"
"Since when have you ever cared about who Damon may or may not have?"
"It puts us all in jeopardy," Caroline said. "We all know how he gets when he's bored."
"And that wasn't the question. I want to know, did you or Stefan consider Damon's feelings when you decided to leave?"
Elena sighed. "Of course we did, Bonnie. I know he's upset. But he's on Klaus watch, and he has Alaric, and he's going to help with Jeremy...plus Katherine can entertain him, too. I don't know. Maybe they can go on vampire adventures together or something. We care-I care-about Damon. But we have to make decisions for the sake of our relationship, too. It's what we want, okay? Now, can we please change the subject?"
"I suppose I can change the subject by telling you that Tyler is the best kisser ever," Caroline said. "And I'm happy I can say that without you knowing what I mean, Elena."
Elena threw a fry at Caroline and they giggled. Caroline gave Elena and Bonnie a detailed description of her last makeout session with Tyler and how happy she was to be with him. They were both trying to deal with their new-found supernatural abilities, and it was a learning experience. Bonnie was also happy in her new relationship, but thankfully didn't offer any details about making out.
Elena was going to miss this. She hoped when she got back from France, they could still meet at the Grill and discuss boys and kissing. Again she found herself pondering whether France was a good idea. And not just because Bonnie and Caroline were not the only friends she was going to miss.
Elena was in her bedroom, packing her stuff and contemplating the journey before her. She could still tell Stefan she wanted to stay here and not run away from her fear and her sorrow. There was still time. He would be disappointed but he was always so understanding. Maybe...
She shook it off. It was going to be an adventure and she'd never been to France. Six years of French classes would finally come in handy. Elena was used to second guessing herself, but she tried to make peace with this decision. Jeremy made it just a little bit harder.
He knocked on her door and she smiled when he came in.
"Hi, Jerm. I'm glad you're home. "
"Yeah...me, too. I know we won't have much time to be alone before you go. "
"Jerm, do you understand why I'm going? I feel bad, I don't want to just
leave you here. I know we're the last of the Gilberts in Mystic Falls, now that John is gone. This seems pretty selfish, doesn't it?"
"Maybe a little," Jeremy said, nodding. Elena's heart broke. "But I completely get it. Maybe a few months ago I'd have a huge problem with it. Maybe I'd beg to go with you. But...it's okay now. You know? It's going to be okay. I understand why you need to get away, but I want to stay."
"Because of Bonnie," Elena said, smiling.
"Because of Bonnie, yes, but also Ric. He lost someone, too. I feel like we can help each other in some small way."
"Well, that's good to hear. Thank you for understanding. It means everything to me."
"I wanted to give you this," Jeremy said, producing a Mystic Falls snowglobe. Elena giggled. "I won it at one of the Founder's Day parties a million years ago. I thought maybe you could take it with you and you'll always have a little bit of home."
Elena smiled. She shook it, watching the snow settled over the familiar Mystic Falls landscape. "Thank you, Jerm. This is great; it'll keep me from getting homesick."
They embraced, and Elena bit her lip to keep from having a sobfest right there in her bedroom.
"You'll be back, right?" Jeremy asked, fear apparent in his eyes.
Elena sighed. "Of course I will. I'm not going to sell you out for a bunch of old fart vampires. I'll be back soon. Okay?"
Jeremy nodded. They shared one last smile, and Jeremy went back to his room, leaving Elena with her own thoughts. Once again she questioned her decision. Once again she questioned everything.
Damon watched from the window as Elena and Stefan loaded Bonnie's car with month's worth of luggage. Jeremy, Caroline and Alaric were on-hand to say good-bye. They were all having trouble processing Elena's need to go so far away, but they didn't try to stop her. Nothing would be the same without Elena in Mystic Falls, but her friends and family knew she needed to get away for a while. No one knew how long they'd be gone. Elena promised everyone she would be back for senior year, but even she couldn't be sure of that. Alaric knew he should probably stop her from going somehow; she wasn't even 18 yet. But he trusted Stefan and it was what Elena wanted. He decided that was enough for now.
No one knew what they'd do when they got there, exactly, either. Damon thought maybe Stefan imagined this grand house where he could keep watch over Elena and her emotions, and she could take long walks every day and clear her head, and then when the sun faded out and the dark cooled the night, they could make love for hours. Damon knew Stefan was kidding himself if he thought this was what Elena needed. He knew Olivia and Gabriel. He lived in Rennes at the turn of the century for a few years; he knew what happened in that place. It wasn't what Stefan imagined it to be. It wasn't some hippie commune of vampires who lived peacefully among themselves. They had secrets. Many, many secrets.
As he watched Stefan help Elena with her suitcases full of shoes and make-up and tank tops and whatever else she thought she needed for such a frivolous trip, Damon's only comfort was The Plan. He didn't know the entirety of the Plan just yet but he had a good idea. And he'd need help. All he knew for sure was that he couldn't bear the thought of Elena being so far away for so long. If she only knew what effect she had on him. Ever since he let her into his heart, the need to turn off his feelings was almost non-existent. The urge to help people; to relate to others and not just shut them all out completely, it was something he hadn't felt since he was human. She made him want to be a better man. Why couldn't she see that? Why couldn't she admit her feelings? More than that, what would he do if she truly didn't feel that way? He saw it in her eyes. He saw it in the way she looked at him when she thought he didn't notice. But when it came down to it, was she ever going to do anythingabout it? His cocky exterior was eroding and his vulnerability made him feel weak-weak with sadness, weak with empathy, and whenever Elena was within 10 feet of him, weak with passion.
The door opened and Damon looked away from the window, feeling caught even if he wasn't doing anything to feel guilty about.
"We're leaving now," Stefan said. "I'm not sure when we're coming back. Look, Damon, I know we-"
"We don't need to have this little chat, bro," Damon said, trying to sound cool and uninterested when they both knew he was the opposite of both. "This needs to happen, I get it. She needs to get out of here. Take her away, Stefan. Make her forget for a while."
"Thank for understanding. I'm going to do a last minute check around here...she's in the car if you want to say good-bye." He said this without bitterness or anger or frustration. Stefan knew his brother needed to say good-bye to Elena for his own closure. Damon appreciated this one last gesture of brotherhood.
Damon ducked into Bonnie's car on the driver's side. Elena smiled when she saw it was him. "Are you taking us to the airport now? Somehow I don't think we'll make it there."
"Oh, don't be silly. I'm going with you. You can sit in my lap on the plane." Elena gave him a warning look.
"I'm going to miss you," he said, looking her in the eye. She needed to know. Even if she couldn't admit her feelings, he could. And she needed to know.
"I'll miss you too, Damon. But this break will be good for us. Maybe you can clear your head and-"
"Forget about you? Is that what you want? Is that why you're going to France, Elena? So I'll forget about you? You know how long I spent looking for Katherine. I wouldn't bet on it."
"No, I...Damon, you know..." She sighed. "I don't know what to say. I'm sorry. I have to go. I hope someday you'll understand."
"You can still back out of this," he said softly. "There's still time. You don't have to do this."
Elena took Damon's hand and said, "I have to do this. I know you don't understand; I don't even completely understand myself. There's a lot I don't understand. The only thing I know right now is that no matter how much we care for one another...I have to get out of here right now. With Stefan."
Damon nodded and looked away. He studied the trees and the driveway and the sun shining from the cold, dead sky. He turned to her, serious and solemn. He pulled something from his pocket and took her hand gently. He tried not to notice the tiny shiver she gave when their hands made contact.
"This is a vervain bracelet. I had Bonnie put a spell on it. Basically, if you're in danger, she'll know. Always wear this and your necklace. Don't take them off. And never...NEVER let your guard down."
Elena sighed. "Come on, I know you're protective of me but I can look out for myself."
Damon shook his head. "I know Stefan thinks he's taking you somewhere safe, but he doesn't know the whole story. I'm serious, keep that ring on. You never know what these people-these vampires-are up to. Will you promise me that?"
"Of course. I won't take it off, I promise you, Damon."
"Good. Thank you." He sighed, and looked away again. He wished there was something he could say to make her stay. Why couldn't she just stay?
"By the way, Elena, you won't forget," he said, looking at her, not letting her look away. She didn't want to look away.
Elena didn't say anything. She knew what he meant.
"You won't forget me, or the way you feel about me, and you won't forget what happened. You know as well as I do that kiss was something rare; something special. And you're not going to forget."
"Don't you think I know that?" She said, tears threatening to come pouring out once again. "I know. I'm not going to forget. I'm not going to forget anything. And certainly not that ki-what happened. I'm sure I'll think about it everyday. But that doesn't mean anything, Damon. It doesn't mean anything because I don't know what to do about it, and now I'm leaving." She hadn't planned that outburst, but he needed to know.
He wished he could kiss her now. One last good-bye kiss. But before he could say (or do) anything else, Stefan tapped on the window. Their time was up. He didn't know when he'd see her again. Everything that was possibly good about him was slowly trying to seep out of his consciousness. Everything he'd done to change himself; the essence of his soul, since Elena came into his life was threatening to explode in his face.
"You won't forget," he said again. She looked away, and he got out of the car. He shook Stefan's hand, wished him luck, and watched as Bonnie drove his one true love and her boyfriend away from his vulnerable broken heart.
He felt a hand on his shoulder, and was temporarily comforted. At least someone cared. At least he wasn't completely alone.
"Are you going to be okay, man?" Alaric asked, looking worried for his friend.
"No," Damon said. "I don't think so."
"Let's go get a beer, okay? Let's talk about it."
Damon was way beyond talking about it at this point, but he allowed Alaric to take him back inside, where they toasted to being heartbroken, miserable bastards together.
It was going to be a long summer.