CHAPTER 15
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"Ruth, tell me you're finished packing, plane leaves in an hour!" I beg as I check my watch every few seconds. I apply my red lipstick as fast and carefully as these too incompatible adverbs allow me. Happy with the result, I put it inside my toilet kit and enter back into my bedroom.
"yes ma'am, it's all done" the mid-aged maid says with a polite smile.
"oh great! thank you Ruth, and please stop calling me ma'am, it makes me feel old" I say wrinkling my nose in dissatisfaction.
"yes ma-, yes miss Rachel"
"better" I smile "did you call the cab?"
"yes, it is waiting downstairs"
"perfect, thank you, I'd better go now, I'll be back in a week"
"Have a nice journey Mrs Farber"
"thank you" I say before crossing the main door.
Two hours it takes to return to this city which for seven years has been completely inexistent in my life. I intentionally ignored it; it brought back too many memories that whether good or bad always dragged me to tears, and so I left. I left my life behind and now, as I exit the cab and place my shoes on the ground, I feel as if I just found a long lost treasure.
I pay the cabdriver and as he drives away I lift my head and gaze at the huge building before me, where Barry and I recently bought an apartment. For the past four years we have been living in Chicago, where he set his business and became filthy rich. What did I do all the while? Nothing but spend my husband's money, not that I'm complaining but I needed more than that, I wanted to be self-sufficient in a way and having a degree in fashion it was about time to put my knowledge in practice, and that is what brought me here, to my dreaded NYC.
"I need to go shopping" I say aloud as I observe the almost empty rooms. I love the white color of the walls, the huge windows with a beautiful view over Fifth Avenue and Central Park. I sit on a couch and sigh, feeling free in this lonely apartment; for some reason, the last few months I have been feeling this urge to escape, to flee from my miserable life as the wife of Doctor Barry Farber, even if it's only for a week.
11.30am. Should I unpack, go home or have a stroll…? Maybe I should pay my parents a visit and cross that out of my "have to" list so that I can enjoy the rest of my week in peace…yeah, I'll better do that. I pick up the first outfit I find in my suitcase and leave the apartment praying for my parents to be in an acceptable mood.
(…)
"oh my god honey you're here!" My mom exclaims giving me a hug before I can put a foot inside "my" house. "I wasn't expecting you till tomorrow" she says surprised.
"I know, but the conferences start early tomorrow so I thought it'd be better if I dropped by today" I say with a smile.
"that's excellent honey, we've missed you"
"I missed you too, how's everybody?" I ask as I follow her inside. Nostalgia hits me right away, this house wasn't the best of places at times but all I can recall now are good moments with my dad and mom, my sisters, my…friends. When we enter the living room I realise I haven't paid attention to my mother's answer.
"anyway, we were about to eat, do you want to join us?" she adds.
"sure, I haven't had anything since the plane, where is dad by the way?"
"he's having a shower, I'll go rush him"
"oh no, that's okay mom, I'll go to my room in the meantime, I haven't seen it in seven years"
"oh alright, I'll call you when lunch is ready"
I open the door sceptical and unsure of what I'd find in my former room. Knowing my parents they probably turned it into a mini-cinema, a gym or who knows what the moment I left seven years ago. But to my surprise everything is untouched, unlike the rest of the house which have gone through some changes here and there along the years.
I close the door behind me, feeling as if I was entering a room from the past and I suddenly was seventeen again.
I sit on my bed and observe with amused eyes every corner of my room; walls are covered with U2 posters; fashion magazines and pictures of my family and friends load the shelves. Among those photos one catches my attention; I stand up to look at it closer. Sadness fills my body as that picture of me and Monica makes me hate myself for having lost touch with her. I wonder where she is this very moment…
I leave the pictures before it brings me to tears and open my old closet; I laugh at some of the clothes I used to wear and that I should have burnt long ago, The Eighties…
Then I move to the chest of drawers, expecting to find more old-fashioned Tops, but what I find instead makes my heart stop dead. I grab the T-shirt with trembling hands and tears burning my eyes. Why is this here? I thought I had thrown away everything connected to him.
I return to my bed and observe the T-shirt with nostalgia. The letters are a bit faded but the fabric is still soft as the first day I had it on. A small smile draws across my lips as I recall all the beautiful moments I lived wearing (and not) that T-shirt. But then sadness comes over me. After seven years, why does it still hurt?You would think time would heal those open wounds but all of sudden it seems as though my heart have just been broken and scattered into petite pieces.
"honey, lunch is ready" yells my mom from downstairs.
"I'll be right there" I yell back. Wiping my tears as I quickly bury the T-shirt in the depth of the drawer and head back downstairs, shutting the door to the past, my past again.
"where are my sister?" I ask as I sit at the table accompanied by both my parents.
"I told you before, Amy is on vacation in The Hampton with her boyfriend"
"and Jill? I talked to her some weeks ago and she told me she was redecorating dad's office" I say in a chuckle.
"she was, but she is back in Massachusetts, to finish her degree in interior design"
"really? Wow…I'm surprised she even finished High School"
"I know, but threats works with her" my mom says with a smirk.
"so dear, how come your husband has not come with you?" my dad intervenes.
"he is busy dad"
"he must be, I've heard he is becoming highly popular in Chicago" he says proudly. A pride I should feel, but I couldn't care less about Barry's job. "I'm so proud of you, you married the right man" I wish I could be half as proud as him but to be honest, marrying Barry was the only escape I found to my misery, and also the worst mistake I've ever made.
"When are we getting to see your new apartment in Manhattan?" asks my mom.
"it's not fully furnished yet so…maybe in a few months"
"I hope there is a spare room in that apartment for a possible offspring" my dad says with that special tone of him I've always hated. I discretely roll my eyes.
"Dad, I've already told you I do not want children, stop insisting"
"How can you say such a thing? A marriage needs children"
"says who?"
"I do"
"well, I'm sorry dad but I do not live under your roof anymore to let you decide my life, I do not want kids, I hate them actually and it would be unfair for them to have a mother like me, period." My twenty years old sister is on vacation with her boyfriend and I'm criticized for not wanting kids. What's wrong with them?
"Does your husband agree with this?" my mom asks, with a petrified expression.
"we haven't talked about it yet…but I'm sure he doesn't want kids either, he's too into his job for that"
"I can't believe I'm not going to have grandchildren" my dad says in shock.
"dad, should I remain you that you have two other daughters?"
"but they won't marry anybody nearly as important and smart as Barry Farber, you must give him children" I roll my eyes and decline to respond to such insane argument. Then the conversation returns to how I'm not being a proper wife and all that crap so as usual I stop listening and eat my meal as fast as possible. It was a mistake coming here, it always is.
(…)
"I think I'm gonna leave, I wanna go window shopping before it gets dark" I say when this torturing lunch is finally over.
"okay sweetie, just come visit before you leave for Chicago again alright?" my mom says.
"I'll try, love you" I say goodbye to them with a hug and take a cab back to Manhattan deeply relief.
It's two in the afternoon when I return to my apartment. Too soon to go to sleep or have dinner so I decide to do some window shopping before dinner time. After two hours well spend at Pottery Barns, where I bought new furniture to fill the empty rooms, I step into the first coffee shop I come across, yearning for a hot cup of coffee to warm up.
"Hi" I say to the weird-looking waiter with short, bright yellow hair.
"H-h-hi" he stutters. I frown amused. "M-may I help you?"
"yes, I'd like a cup of hot coffee, thank you" I say with a polite smile.
"to have here or to go?" I hesitate for a moment. It'd be kind of pathetic and sad if I have this cup of coffee all alone, but who cares, nobody knows me here.
"to have here"
"Coming right away" he says. I turn around and scan the room looking for a free seat. However, the couches are taken, so are the tables by the window so I end up taking seat on one of the stool by the counter.
"here you have" he says adding a smile.
"thank you" I take the cup in my hands and blow it a few times before bringing it to my thirsty mouth. Before I can have a first sip I hear my name being said from a certain distance. My body freezes. W-w-was that…was that his voice? I panic. Calm down Rachel! It can't be him, what are the odds of running into an ex in one of the biggest cities in the world? Your head is fooling you and it's all that stupid T-shirt's fault! Plus it must have been some man calling some other Rachel, so breath. I tell myself.
"Rachel?" the voice calls my name again, this time sounding right behind me "Is It you?" I breathe calmly since this time the voice didn't sound that familiar. But who the hell knows me here?
The moment I turn around to meet the stranger a strong heartbeat leaves me breathless. My whole body freezes when I meet those unmistakable eyes; it doesn't matter how many years have past, I would have recognized them among a million others. I swallow the lump blocking my throat and resort to my acting skills to seem surprised but fine with his presence.
"oh my god Ross! Hi!" I exclaim standing up from my stool and sending him a smile. But inside I'm actually agonizing. Why? why him of all people had to be here today? Why did Fate put him in my path again? I don't deserve this torture! I stood there awkwardly, hesitating whether to hug him, shake hands or punch him. We settle for an uncomfortable hand shake.
"wow, I can't believe it's you" he says looking at me from head to toes, making me feel self-conscious. I observe him craftily. He is taller now and looks manlier with that three days beard but despite that he is the same Ross I last saw seven years ago. "it's been years since…" he trails off for a moment "how have you been?" He softly asks, adding a smile, and my legs begin to quiver. Why do I have to be so vulnerable when it comes to him? I'm not a teenager anymore!
"I-I've been great! Fantastic, couldn't have been better" I say in what seems a long word rather than a sentence. Damn nerves! "you?" I ask placing my cup on the counter before my weak hands drop it and make a scene in this crowded coffee shop. Quietly, I wish he would just drop to his knees and confess how miserable he's been without me, but his striking calmness and nonchalance make it seem as if he hadn't dedicated me a thought in these past years.
"I'm good too, hanging out with some friends" he says motioning his hand towards the couches. I follow the direction of his hand and find a blonde woman and a guy in a leather jacket looking at us attentively.
"Hi" I politely say to the strangers.
"Hi" they answer at unison while the guy winks his at me rather deliberately. What the hell?
"Do you live here? Because I haven't seen you around" he comments. I return my gaze to him, and each time I meet his eyes a rush hits my stomach and makes me lose my breath.
"oh no, I'm here for business reasons, I actually live in Chicago, with my husband" I emphasize the last word, expecting a shocked expression but all he does is smile at me, looking all handsome and attractive. Did he know I'd be here and dressed up for the occasion or what?
"you're married" he says with a tone that makes me doubt whether he is asking or just affirming.
"yes, happily married in fact" why do you lie? I observe his face, but he doesn't even flicker at my revelations.
"well, congratulations, a happy marriage is something rare nowadays"
"yeah, how about you? Are you with someone?" I ask forced by my pride but I'm dreading his answer more than anything else.
"married too" he says smiling from ear to ear as he lifts his hand and shows me the shining ring.
"that's nice" I say, but all I want to do is cry, and the thing is I've no idea why I feel this way. It's been seven freaking years, I should be over him.
"yeah, I'm very lucky, oh and I also have a son" he says with glittering eyes. I suddenly feel stabbed right in the middle of my chest. He is a father…he has a son, and it's not mine. I repeat in my head, my heart slowly sinking.
"that's awesome" I say, my throat aching. My vision blurs as tears begin to form in my eyes, so before they start to flow free like heavy rivers and give myself away, I quickly excuse myself. "so Ross, It's been nice meeting you again, but I'm afraid I gotta go, I'm in a rush" I say with a fake smile. Forgetting my untouched coffee I quickly head towards the door.
"no Rachel please!" he says as he runs after me "don't go" he begs as he grabs my wrist and stops me. I take a deep breath to control my tears and turn around.
"why?" I say in a sigh as I look up at him, All of a sudden neither of us is pretending. His smile has faded and his eyes aren't happy anymore, they're pleading. "Can I take you out for dinner one of these days?" he asks hopeful. "we…we need to talk about what happened" he adds noticing my confusion. I bit my bottom lip; talk about what happened? Why? Why would he want to open the wound and dig his fingers into it after so long? "please" he whispers, his eyes shining with what seem like forming tears. I gulp the lump in my throat and look down at his hand still closed around my wrist. Maybe talking about it is the closer I've been looking for…
"alright…" I quietly say.
…
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