CHAPTER 16
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I open the door to his dorm. Not there either. Where the hell is he? He was supposed to be stuck on his chair working on his 'pile of essays'. I say with bitterness as I walk through the halls of his college looking for him. I spot one of his friends among a group and decide to ask him.
"hey John, do you know where Ross is?"
"hi Rachel! How are you?" he says in a friendly way.
"I'm alright, have you seen him?"
"mmm I think I saw him going in the gym's direction, but I could be wrong"
"I'll go check, thank you John"
"no problem" I walk towards the gym hopeful to find him there. I smile to myself somewhat relieved thinking he may be working out. What else could he be doing at a gym?
But how wrong I was.
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I open my eyes and right away several tears drop from my eyes, feeling the pain of that day in my skin as though everything had happened seconds ago. I sweep my tears away and exhale all the air in my lungs.
"Why? Why did you have to agree to this Rachel!" I damn myself as I pace around the room guided by my own nerves. "He is married, you're married there's nothing to talk about, the past should stay in the past!" I glance at my watch; still two more hours to go. I'll be seeing him again in two freaking hours! Oh my god oh my god oh my god!
I pick up one outfit from my suitcase, put it on, look at my reflection in the mirror and immediately toss it away unsatisfied. The same happens with every single outfit until all my clothes are scattered upon the bedroom and my suitcase completely empty.
"What the hell am I gonna wear now!" I say aloud looking at the mess I've caused. "I could go shopping…" this is New York's Fifth Avenue after all, there must be something out there for me to wear to this date, I mean, dinner…oh gosh. My wonderings are interrupted by the ringing of my phone.
"hello?"
"Hi darling" Barry's voice sounds on the other side. Shit! I forgot to call him.
"hey…I'm so sorry I didn't call when I got here yesterday, it's been two very busy days over here" you know, the love of my life appeared out of nowhere and I learnt he is married and has a son. How great is that?
"I assumed you were busy with the conferences, how did they go?" well, I didn't attend…I stayed here racking my brains about tonight instead.
"t-they were okay, h-how are you doing over there?"
"fine, but I miss you" I stay quiet, wishing I could say the same to him, but to be honest I haven't noticed his absence for one second. "Do you like the new apartment? Is it good enough for you?" he asks noticing my quietness.
"it's lovely, I bought some new furniture to dress the rooms, I hope you like it"
"I'm sure I will, I may come down to New York this weekend actually" WHAT? no no noooo! This is my alone week.
"that'd be great" I say through my clenched teeth. I glance at my watch alarmed. One hour and a half left. I need to get dressed! "darling I gotta go, I'm having dinner with…my parents tonight and I'm running late, I'll call you tomorrow alright?"
"okay, send them regards from me"
"sure I will, bye!" I hang up the phone before hearing his answer and picking up my purse I leave the building.
Three stores and many dresses later I return to my apartment with the perfect one: a scarlet spaghetti strap mini-dress, which perfectly adjuncts to my figure in a sexy way but without making me look tacky. I put on my black high-heeled strapped shoes, apply some make-up to erase the signs of the previous sleepless night and leave my long blonde hair loose.
I get on the cab feeling collected but when I arrive at The Plaza Hotel I turn into a real bundle of nerves. But despite my fears I make my way inside the luxury hotel, because even though I don't want to admit it, some part of me is excited about this dinner.
"Welcome to The Plaza restaurant, May I help you Miss?" the kind receptionist asks the moment I enter the restaurant.
"yes, I'm looking for Ross Geller, I guess he booked under that name.."
"let me check for a second…mmh yes, follow me please" as soon as those words leave his mouth I panic. My hands start sweating and my legs seem to have forgotten how to walk on high heels. My nervousness increases as we reach a secluded area of the restaurant. My heart beats faster with each second, getting to a point where all I can hear is my blood throbbing in my ears. And there he is, sitting alone at the last table near the corner, dressed in a black suit matching the elegance of the place. As if he had felt my gaze upon him his eyes raise and meet mine, and those butterflies I thought to be dead long ago return to my stomach with fresh new energy. I watch him stand up from his seat and send me the most beautiful smile that for some reason manages to dissolve all my nerves. He always had that power.
"Hi" I say with shyness, standing there like a statue. This is so awkward already…
"Hi" he says back, still wearing that charming smile.
"so here are your menus, a waiter will attend you in a few moments, have a good evening" says the receptionist before leaving us alone.
"wow…you look…Beautiful" he says in amazement. I smile proud in my head, but I also blush as I hadn't in the past years. It's funny how I've been complimented by hundreds of men in my life yet neither of them has managed to make me blush the way he does, ever. I give him a small 'thank you' smile. However, I do not return the compliment, no matter how attractive and charming he looks in that black suit and white chemise. Being nice won't change what he did.
We take seat and silence falls on the table. This was a mistake…it's been years, what are we going to talk about? We're practically strangers… I repeat in my head while I keep my eyes fixed on the neatly set table, wanting to avoid looking at him as much as possible.
"so…how are you?" he asks clearing his voice.
"I'm good" uncomfortable would have been a better answer but why would I let you know that? "…you?" I ask trying to keep calm under his intense gaze. But before he can give an answer a smiley waitress arrives at our table.
"Good evening, May I take your order?"
"Actually…we haven't had a chance to look at the menus yet…" Ross says.
"I'll give you some more minutes then, would you like to drink anything in the meantime?"
"sure, bring a bottle of red wine"
"any special brand?"
"…one that tastes good?" he shrugs his shoulders innocently and I laugh in my head. He is so not used to these fancy places, I wonder why he took me here.
"Alright" the waitress says in a chuckle.
"Water for me please" I say.
"Coming right away" she says, and we're left alone again.
"Water?" he asks with an amused expression.
"Red wine and I aren't the best of friends, you should know that"
"Oh yeah" he says laughing "I remember that Bday party when you-"
"Yes yes that day" I stop him "you don't have to remind me; my embarrassment is pretty alive still"
"O-kay" he says still laughing quietly to himself. Then, As if synchronized both of us take the menus and read it in silence. "what are you gonna order?" he asks.
"I don't know…I don't think I'll be able to get anything through my throat anyway" I say in a chuckle.
"Are you sick?" he asks concerned.
"No, just nervous" I admit. "…aren't you?"
"kinda" he says tilting his head "but I'm also happy to be here with you" he says looking into my eyes. I move my gaze away, feeling nervous, happy, inhibited…What the hell should I say to that? That I'm happy too? Thankfully the waitress returns and saves me from this awkward moment.
"So here is your wine and your water; should I take your orders now?"
"Yes, mmh I'll have the…grilled Atlantic salmon" Ross says handing the menu to the waitress who has been eying him all this time making me feel invisible.
"Nice choice sir" she says with a grin. Great, just what I needed, a hot waitress flirting with him. I roll my eyes annoyed."And for the miss?" she asks turning to me.
"A Caesar salad, please"
"What else?"
"Nothing else, just the salad" I say with a fake smile.
"Oh, alright, I get it, fitting in that dress must require eating modest. I'll be back with your orders" and with that she walks away, leaving me beyond shocked.
"Did she just say what?" I say out loud in disbelief.
"Someone is jealous of you" Ross comments with a smirk.
"Jealous? It must be because I'm with you; she was SO flirting with you before"
"She is jealous because you look stunning" he states, making my butterflies flutter around in my stomach again. Please stop, you can't just make me fall in love with you again, you're married! I want to say, but I'm a coward.
"You're just exaggerating" I timidly say and quickly twist my neck to observe the place before he can add anything else and make me blush. I study our surrounds with pretended interest. A few tables near us are occupied with couples and groups of suited-up men who are engaged in a deep conversation, unlike us. I sigh and turn around.
"This place is- heyyy, what did I tell you before!" I exclaim when I catch him pouring wine in my glass.
"Oh c'mon, one glass won't hurt" Ross says with a grin as he places the half empty bottle on the table.
"You want me to get drunk and make a scene, don't you?" I say, eying him with suspicion.
"It could be fun" he says with a naughty smile, the same that used to drive me mad with desire in the past. I clear my voice to sweep away those thoughts from my head.
"So...tell me about your son" I change the topic before we start to evoke old anecdotes. His eyes lighten up immediately and a smile of pure thrill draws across his lips. Seeking for some help to deal with the upcoming painful conversation I take a good gulp of my wine.
"Well, his name is Ben…he is one and a half years old and…he is the best thing I've ever done in my life" he says proud. I force a smile even though all I feel is sadness.
"Your wife must be delighted, having the two of you in her life…" I say despite myself. I feel my chest ache due to the huge efforts I'm making not to shed a tear.
"Yeah…he makes us so happy…he is adorable, and I would love for you to meet him …one day" he adds with awareness.
"I-…I'd be glad to" I lie.
"What about you, do you have kids?" he asks casually.
"Me?" I let out a chuckle. "No thanks, children aren't for me, I'm very irresponsible to take care of a baby…I'd be a terrible mother, so no…no kids for me I hope" I say knocking on the wooden table.
"…I see you keep telling yourself the same lies after all these years" he says with an amused look.
"What?" I frown.
"You do want kids, don't lie…you're just scared to admit it"
"I really don't, and what, now you know me better than myself?" I say with sarcasm.
"Of course not but-okay I'm sorry…it's just that, It'd be a shame if you didn't get to be a mother…I know you'd be a terrific one" he says with honesty, which triggers a rush in my stomach. He said those same words seven years ago. Why? why is he being nice? That's not what we are here for and…I don't want to fall in love with him again.
"Well thanks for that, I feel flattered that you think that about me…" I send him a smile. "But it will never happen, not to me" I state with certainty. "plus my husband and I are always travelling, enjoying life in our own way, a kid wouldn't fit in" I add, to hurt him maybe? But I can't tell him the truth, how miserable I feel and how much I hate my life. I can't admit that to him, not while he is all happy and living the life he always dreamt of. I've got my pride…
The waitress returns with our plates and repeating her earlier moves she flirts with Ross before my very eyes and leaves without giving me a glance. Yes, I know I have no reason to feel jealous, that I'm not his wife. But I can't help myself; I've never been able to control my feelings for Ross, like tonight, when instead of yelling at his face every unkind word he deserves here I am, quiet and unconsciously giving in to his charms.
"Ross, Can I ask you something?" I break the silence that has surrounded us while we ate.
"sure, what is it?" I put down my fork and take a deep sigh.
"…how is Monica?" I finally ask, after having had that question wandering in my head since the day before. He shows surprise, as if he had been expecting a different question.
"She is great…happy with her new job, she just started working as chef at Iridium, do you know that restaurant?"
"No…I haven't been to this city in a while. But I bet she loves being the chef, she truly was born for that job" he nods in agreement.
"Yes...and she was thrilled when I told her you were in town"
"oh so…you told her" I say timid "she is thrilled? I thought she'd be…mad at me" I frown. Knowing Monica's temperament I was sure she would never be 'thrilled' to see me after having had banished her from my life in the way I did.
"She was at first…but she seems fine now, in fact…she gave me this for you" he says pulling what looks like a card out of his jacket pocket. I take it in my hands with confusion but my eyes instantly widen when I realise what it is.
"Oh my god! Is Monica getting married?" I ask awestruck.
"Yup, in little over a month" he says with a smile that tells me he is beyond happy for his sister.
"Wow…and with Chandler!" I exclaim reading the card over and over again, still surprised "she must be over the moon"
"So over the moon that she is starting to be a pain in the ass" I chuckle, imagining the situation.
"And you never thought their love was real" I say arching an eyebrow.
"I guess I was wrong" he says adding a shrug. "She would be happy to see you there" I smile at his words. I would be happy to be there too, but wouldn't it be weird after all this time?
"I'll think about it" I say.
"I hope you come, she needs you there" he says serious.
"I'll try…"
"You know, if you want to see her before the wedding we gather every other day at that coffee place you saw me yesterday"
"I don't know…I have a busy schedule" I should stop lying.
"Oh that's right…you were here for business?"
"Yes, I'm having a few conferences over the week"
"Where do you work?" he asks, grabbing his glass of wine and sipping from it without moving his eyes from me.
"Actually…I don't work; my husband thinks I'd be wasting my time since he earns enough money to maintain the two of us. But I'm attending these conferences to keep up with the fashion world…I return to Chicago next Sunday" I sum up seven years in three sentences. "What?" I ask when the weight of his intense gaze upon me begins to turn unbearable.
"you look beautiful" he says out of the blue, waking up all my senses again. I bit my button lip flustered. I don't understand what's happening here…
"Why did you take me here Ross? Why did you want to see me…" I helplessly ask, shaking my head from side to side.
"…because I miss you" he says in a whisper, looking at me with sadness. I lower my head, wondering if I should trust his words. "Why did you leave Rach?" he finally brings up the issue we were supposed to discus. "Why did you disappear overnight without notice?" the mood suddenly changes, turning the previous exchange of smiles and animated conversations to sad looks and painful memories.
"What?"
"You left me heart broken" he says with sadness. I hold my breath to avoid a scream.
"Ha…I left YOU heartbroken? Don't play the victim Ross; YOU were the one who screwed it all!" I snap offended.
"What are you talking about?" he asks confused. "And please lower your voice" he says noticing how the murmur of the nearby tables has stopped.
"You lied to me" I say my voice beginning to tremble as memories of that day flash my mind.
"I-I lied to you? A-about what?" he asks, his eyebrows wrinkled in a frown.
"Don't tell me you've forgotten" I say with sarcasm.
"I think I may…I'd appreciate it if you reminded me when exactly did I lie to you because right now I'm utterly lost in this conversation" I feel anger growing within myself. How can he forget such thing?
"you know what, this wasn't a good idea" I say fighting back tears. "it's useless to discus something that happened seven years ago let alone if you don't remember a thing of it, I-I gotta go" I say standing up from my seat and turning around to leave. However, he is quick enough to grab my hand and stop me. I sigh frustrated.
"Rachel please don't go…don't disappear again" he begs in a whisper. I turn around; tears escape my eyes when I meet his pleading look.
"Why do you want to discus this anyway?" I say shaking my head slightly.
"because I need to know what the hell was it that I did to jeopardize what we had" he says with tears in his eyes, and I feel stupid because seeing him like this makes me want to hug him and soothe him. I stand there, looking down at him with my own tears soaking my face.
"it doesn't matter anymore…we're adults now Ross, with very different lives" I admit much to my own pain. "Plus this is certainly not the place to discus that" I add.
"You're right" he says nodding as he brushes his tears away "this is not the right place…let's go somewhere else" he says throwing a random amount of dollars on the table and taking me out of there before I can protest.
(…)
"Are you staying at a hotel? Can we go there?" Ross asks as we stand outside the Plaza Hotel.
"I'm staying at my apartment and no, we cannot go there, you are the one who wants to go on with this so you figure out" I say crossing my arms over my chest.
"Why are you being so fucking edgy!" he snaps at me. "I'm trying to be nice here and you're acting like a total brat"
"Maybe I am one" I answer in his same tone of annoyance.
"Well maybe you should grow up"
"Go to hell!" I exclaim before walking towards one of the cabs parked in front of the hotels.
"Where are you going?"
"Away from you, I've had enough of this" I hear him run and in a second he is before me, blocking my path.
"I'm sorry but you're not leaving until we talk this through"
"Then let's go somewhere else but quickly, I'm freezing my butt out here!" I complain.
"Do you want my jacket?" I frown. Now he is offering me his jacket? What's with this bipolar behaviour?
"no, thank you"
"O-kay…comes with me, I've got an idea" he says walking back inside the hotel. I stand on my stop filled with confusion and hesitation about whether I should follow him or run away now that he is out of sight. But my legs won't move when I try to escape and I have no other choice but to return inside.
"Follow me" he tells me as he walks towards the elevators holding something in his hand.
"Where are we going?"
"I just rented a room"
"What! No you didn't! Have you gone crazy?"
"Well, where else do you want to go? It's either this or a freezing cold bench in Central Park"
"I-I prefer the freezing cold bench!"
"Why?" he frowns.
"b-because…I'm worried that your wife may find out and…get the wrong idea" I nervously say, but that's not my real concern, my concern is he and I being alone within four walls.
"She won't, plus we're only going to talk, now follow me" he repeats. Unable to find a proper excuse I follow him…already aware that one of us, if not both, will be hurt in that room.
Neither of us mutters another word as we enter the room, situated on the last floor of the hotel. The room is rather spacious and stylish with pricy little luxuries that must have put the price of the room high up in the clouds.
I observe him take seat on the neat bed and bury his face in his hands. I lean my body against the desk in front of him, keeping a reasonable distance between us, and wait for him to open his mouth first.
"okay" he says sitting up and locking gazes with me "I've been racking my brains as we came up here and- I truly can't remember anything wrong that I could have intentionally done to you" he says opening his hands as a sign of confusion.
"So you don't remember cheating on me" there it is, I finally said it. And it hurts just pronouncing those few words. I cross my arms in anger.
"What?" he says in a chuckle that enrages me even more.
"You cheated on me Ross! And you had the guts to hide it with a bunch of lies! You told me you were busy with essays and college stuff while in reality you were hooking up with that friend of yours!" I reproach with an attitude more proper of a teenage than a 24 years old.
"What the hell are you talking about!" he exclaims as he abruptly stands up and approaches me. "I never cheated on you! For god's sake I was madly in love with you! How can you even consider I may have done such a thing to you!"
"Gosh Ross we're grown ups now, don't try to deny the undeniable"
"But I'm being honest!" he says grabbing my shoulders with strength; I lose my breath as I become self-conscious of his closeness. "I NEVER cheated on you" he says dead serious and looking directly into my eyes. For a second I believe him, but then the image of him kissing that girl returns to my mind to remind me this is not something I just assumed. "And if you left because you thought I was that's even worse!" he adds letting go of my arms and pacing from side to side. I start to breathe again.
"Stop lying already Ross! I SAW you okay! I'm not making anything up, I saw you making out with that girl"
"What girl?" he says shaking his head in disbelief.
"I don't know…that brunette you always talked to, Julie something" he stops and half-closes his eyes as if trying to recall something. "I saw you making out with her at your college's gym, you two looked all loved-up" I add with bitterness. His confusion suddenly disappears and his face goes pale.
"Oh…" it's all he says as he slowly sits back on the bed and lets his head hang, which I take as a sign of guilt. I suppress a sob as I look at him, knowing that his quietness is the confirmation of his betrayal. "I wish you had talked to me that day…" he murmurs with a sad smile.
"It wouldn't have changed anything" I whisper, gently shaking my head.
"Yes it would, you should have gotten in there and kicked my hard in the crotch, I deserved it for lying to you-"
"So you admit it" I interrupt, wanting to burst out crying even though I've known all along.
"I admit lying to you, but I did NOT cheat on you. It was all an unfortunate misunderstanding" he says upset.
"Yeah right, so that kiss I saw was what? A friendly gesture? Better yet! She fainted and you had to perform a mouth to mouth to her!" I say with sarcasm.
"Will you let me explain?" he snaps suddenly standing up from his spot. I shut up astonished. "What you saw there…it was a kiss yes, but a fake kiss! It was part of a scene-"
"A scene?" I interrupt, unable to contain a chuckle. "That is the lamest excuse I've ever heard"
"Lame but true" he says with such seriousness that it makes my stomach revolve. What if I've been wrong? "I joined the theatre group, that's why you saw me with Julie so often and why you saw us kissing" he continues.
"ha! of course, and the gym is the usual place to do the rehearsals, isn't it? Please" I say rolling my eyes.
"We were rehearsing at the gym because the theatre was closed that late at night and the opening night was close!" he says in his defence. "plus we weren't even alone! There were more people with us, didn't you see them?"
"No I didn't"
"Well you can believe it or not but I swear this is the truth, in fact, I could prove it to you"
"How? Do you happen to have a time machine?" I say with sarcasm.
"No, going to my parents' house, I'm pretty sure my mom has the play taped somewhere, we can go now if you wish" his insistence begins to make my version of it tumble.
"…That won't be necessary" I quietly say.
"Better, 'cause it'd be kind of embarrassing" he says in a chuckle. But I don't find it funny. "I'm telling the truth Rach…why would I lie after so long? It's not like we're together" he has a point there.
"If this is true, why did you hide it from me?" I helplessly ask as I pull out the desk chair and sit down feeling my blood pressure decrease drastically.
"Because I was embarrassed, I thought you would laugh at my face if I told you I would be Romeo in a play…it even makes me feel embarrassed admitting it now!...I know I should have told you but…" he trails off.
"So you didn't cheat…" I say falling in a deeper state of shock. All of a sudden it feels as if my life had been built upon a lie, a lie my imagination and fear created, and now everything collapsed with the truth.
"No I didn't, how could you even consider that? Wasn't I a good boyfriend?" he asks with sorrow in his eyes. I bit my bottom lip, blinking back tears.
"You were, you really were. But…I don't know, I was very vulnerable back then and that bitch Mindy had been hunting me trying to put the idea that you were with someone else into my head since the beginning of the course, and I never believed her but…but then when you started to decline my visits and act all weird I began to have my doubts and then I saw you with that girl…" I trail off, suffocated by my own tears.
"shh don't cry" he sweetly whispers, kneeling down before me. "I understand that…but- Even if I had cheated on you that's not reason enough to leave everything behind like you did"
"don't you think I know that now? But I was hurt! Broken-hearted and scared to face you…see you with that girl and being all happy, I knew I wouldn't be able to deal with that so…running away seemed like the best option back then, it was a spur of the moment decision…Gosh! I can't believe I've been blaming this on you all the time and it was actually me who jeopardized it all with my own stupidity!" I exclaim hitting my forehead with my palms as more tears jump from my eyes to the carpeted floor.
"Hey hey hey" he says grabbing my hands to stop me. "Don't be so hard on yourself, that won't change the past…"
"But I'm SO stupid!" I exclaim, disgusted with myself.
"We both are! We both made mistakes but we cannot undo then now…so…why don't we calm down, call reception to bring us the half bottle of wine we didn't finish before and talk it through in the balcony?" he suggests. "we have a lot to catch up"
"Good idea, I could use some wine now" I need to get drunk.
I pull off my shoes and sit on one of the chairs in the balcony, my body being totally oblivious to this cold spring night, since my head is occupied repeating the word stupid over and over again as a broken record.
"Here you have" Ross says as he enters the balcony and hands me a glass. I take it from his hands and drink the content in a swift motion. "O-kay, no more wine for you" he says stealing the bottle of wine from my hands and securely placing it on his other side.
"Why?" I protest. I wanna get drunk, I want be able to laugh at my misery.
"Because you're unpredictable when you're drunk…I-I dread you may want to jump from the balcony or similar" he says, visibly joking.
"I could do that without getting drunk. In fact you gave me a great idea" I say half-joking, half-serious.
"Don't be silly" he says rolling his eyes.
"What? Don't I deserve that? I'm the stupidest person on the face of the planet"
"No you don't so do not dare to attempt such insane act. I already lost you once, I couldn't deal with that again" he says with sincerity, making a small smile appear across my lips. I screwed our relationship, wrongly blamed it on him and he hasn't even attempted to make me feel bad about it. He never ceases to amaze me.
"Why aren't you mad at me Ross?" I ask weakly. "After all it was me who put an end to us"
"Because…it's been years, it'd be a waste of time to stay mad at something we cannot fix"
"I guess you're right…" I murmur as I turn my gaze towards the bunch of trees extended ahead of us. Silence surrounds us, but this time the awkwardness has dissolved. Being here, I cannot help but imagine how different this moment would have been if my fear had not dragged us apart. We would perhaps have been in another hotel room in some exotic location, just married and enjoying our honeymoon. If only time could be turned back…
I gently pass my fingers under my eyes to dry the new falling tears; nonetheless this doesn't manage to erase my shame and feeling of guilt.
I look at him from the corner of my eyes; he's quietly sipping from his wine and seemingly lost in his thoughts, probably wondering the same as me…or simply thinking about his wife and son at home.
"Shouldn't you be at home?" I break the long silence. "I mean, your wife may get worried, it's one in the morning…"
"She won't" he replies almost right away, leaving me sort of confused. "Plus this room was so fucking expensive I have no plans to leave until they kick me out of it"
"Fair enough" I say in a soft chuckle. Another short silence follows, which I break with another question. "Ross, Can I ask you something?"
"Sure, what?"
"When you…discovered I had left…what crossed your mind? What did you think of me?"
"What crossed my mind?" he repeats, leaning back on the chair. "Nothing good I guess…I just don't like thinking about that period of time, I was beyond devastated…It was weird because all of a sudden you weren't picking up my calls, but I told myself you were probably studying or out shopping and didn't think of it as a big deal. But then when I got to Long Island and found out you had even dropped from school it was…devastating for me. I seriously felt dead…it was…a very hard time. Not knowing where you were or for what reasons you had left had me depressed for over a year" he admits, staring into the dark Central Park to avoid eye contact, but I can perceive his teary eyes, and I feel awful.
"Gosh, I'm so sorry Ross" I whisper fighting back tears and having a strong urge to hug him.
"It's okay…I guess it was as hard for you thinking I had cheated on you" he says rubbing his eyes and turning to me with a sad smile. "Where did you go? What happened to you all these years?" he asks.
"I went to Paris" I say in a sigh.
"How did you end up there?" he asks surprised.
"Fate, misfortune…I don't know" I say shrugging "but I regretted it every single day of my stay, and that went on for four years" I say with hidden sorrow.
"Wow…why didn't you return then if you were that miserable?"
"I don't know, I guess…I guess I was scared to go back and find out you were happily ever after with a new girlfriend…so I decided to stay instead. But what can I say, my life became a sequence of bad decisions after that night" I say with a shrug of pity.
"Is there where you met your husband?" he asks moving his eyes away and refilling his glass with some more wine.
"Yes, well no…I knew Barry from before"
"Wait, Barry? Barry the guy your father want-"
"Yup" I affirm before he ends the sentence. "He happened to be in Paris when I started college there…He sort of was the trunk that saved me from all that painful period"
"So you married Barry AND studied in Paris, wow" he says in shock.
"Exactly, Isn't it ironic how I ended up doing exactly what my father wanted for me?" I say in a chuckle which disguises my actual lament. Fate is a bitch.
"That I was about to say!" he say joining my laughter. "Do you love him?" he asks all of a sudden, leaving me astonished.
"w-who?" my nerves make me ask although I perfectly know who he refers to.
"Your husband" well, if you must know…no, I don't love him, not at all. He is simply a good friend I married just out of spite.
"Yes! Of course I do" I exclaim, uncertain why he has asked that. He nods his head without adding further words. "What about you, where did you meet your wife?" I ask clearing my voice and not particularly interested in knowing about the woman who took my place in his heart.
"I…I met Carol on my second year of college, at the library…sad I know" he says laughing.
"How long have you two been married?"
"Four years"
"Wow, then you got married quite young" that hurts.
"Yeah…we were married within a year of dating. We were two crazy kids" He says, with a tone I cannot figure out if it expresses regret or joy. I send him an unfelt smile, my throat too tight to keep on asking. I sit back on my chair and look up at the cloudless sky, I spot a few stars and as if on purpose a flashback hits my mind.
::::::::::::::::::::::
"all cleaned" he informs as he walks towards me and hugs me from behind.
"thank you Monica" I say with irony.
"hey, I'm only helping"
"I know, but you could have left it for other day, it's our last day together" I say, with less sadness than I feel.
"stop saying that please" he begs as he embraces me closer. I rest my head on his shoulders and enjoy the small kisses he repeatedly leaves in my hair. "Rach" he murmurs in my ear.
"yeah?"
"what if…you came to Manhattan with me?" I slowly open my eyes and turn around in his arms.
"you mean tomorrow?"
"tomorrow and…the rest of the days, we could rent an apartment and live tog-"
"Ross honey" I interrupt "live together? We're not even old enough to drink." I chuckle.
"I know, but I want you to come with me" he says as he tightens the embrace around me.
"so do I honey, and I plan on visiting you until you get annoyed but, to live together? We don't have any money to begin with, and…you know, my father would hunt me down and kill me if he found out I run away with a boyfriend he supposedly doesn't know" I try to explain, although inside I wish I could just leave everything and start anew somewhere else.
"that's the reason why I don't want you to stay here, I'm sorry to say this but that man is insane" he says concerned.
"Everything will be fine, don't worry…let's just wait a year, I'll be graduated by that time and probably moving to Manhattan as well" I say with a grin, as I sensually brush my lips against his. "but you'll have to wait for me…you're not gonna fall for some other girl and leave me, are you?" I say pouting as I give him a sad look.
"Impossible, I already have the best one" he murmurs with the most beautiful smile.
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And I did leave everything, him included. If only I could leave everything and start anew again, and with him. I suppress tears that won't stop forming in my eyes every time I remember my terrible mistake. I should have gone to Manhattan when he proposed it, I 'should have' so many things…
"Ross" I say his name after ten minutes of silence. He looks at me and for a moment I hesitate whether to ask. "If none of this had happened…Do you think we would still be together?" I watch him think, while I bite the inner flesh of my bottom lip dreading his response.
"I don't know, to be honest I don't want to consider that…I'd be unfair for my son" he says lowering his gaze. Of course, he is a father, why do I keep forgetting that? "I cannot picture my life without him anymore" he adds, and my heart aches. I unconsciously nod my head as if understanding but truthfully…I don't. I guess he is happy with his current life while I'm not anywhere near that word.
"You know, they say everything happens for a reason…maybe he was the reason why our relationship didn't work out" I tell him; trying to convince myself as well.
"I want to believe so" he murmurs. We lock gazes and exchange small smiles of sadness for that nostalgic past. I look at him wishing I could tell him that I'm not over him; that I've never been and that I still love him, maybe even more than before. But I can't say that outside my head, I know that such confession would only humiliate me. "Rachel, you're shivering" his voice distracts me. The moment he says those words I become conscious of the cold temperature around me and my more than obvious shivers. "We should go back inside" he suggest. I clear my voice as I put my shoes back on.
"Actually…I should be going now, it's getting late" I say as I stand up and walk inside the warmth of the room. He quickly follows me and grabs my hand, a brief contact that sends a rush of electricity through my skin and freezes me on my spot.
"Why?" he asks with an irresistible puppy dog look in his eyes. "Is your husband waiting for you or something?"
"No…but, we already discussed what we were supposed to discus…there's no point for me to stay longer"
"I miss you" he says looking into my eyes, a new shiver shakes my body. "Isn't that enough?" he murmurs. I lower my gaze wanting to say and do so many things yet I can't even move. "Please, stay with me here tonight" he begs, gently squeezing my hand. I take a deep breath trying to make the best decision. But, Stay for what? To remember old times and make me regret my awful mistake yet some more?
"Ross, I can't, I've got a conference early in the morning and look what time it is already" I say walking toward the door but he quickly manages to block my way.
"Let me at least accompany you to your place, you shouldn't get on a cab alone this late at night" he says determined.
"Alright…" I give up. Fifteen more minutes of him won't kill me.
The short drive back to my apartment is made in complete silence, only a few glances are exchanged, but neither of us says a thing. We stand outside my building, looking into each other's eyes for the longest time, both of us having a hard time to say goodbye.
"I know you're busy and leaving soon but…can we meet again, some time this week?" he asks with a pleading look in his eyes. All I want to do is say yes, accept whatever he proposes to me.
"I'll try to find a gap" I say, but inside I know that meeting will never happen. He has a family, a family he adores, and the best thing I can do is to step away from his life. As much as it hurts to admit it…we weren't meant to be together, he wasn't meant for me.
"Promise" he asks, handing me a card with his name and phone number on it.
"I promise" I murmur; fingers crossed behind my back. He smiles. I smile. And before I know it, his arms are embracing my body, a warm hug that leaves me breathless. I move my arms to his shoulders and bring him closer, wanting to stop time and enjoy this share of closeness for an eternity; knowing that this moment may not happen ever again.
"I'm so sorry…for everything" I whisper as I rest my chin on his shoulder and fail at blinking back the river of tears that break through my eyes.
"I'm sorry too" he whispers back. I feel him press his lips against my temple for a blissful moment and then he moves again, leaving me cold, lifeless. I erase my tears before he can see them and look up at him.
"Good night Ross" I say through a pretended smile.
"Good night Rach, take care okay?" he sweetly says. I nod.
"Bye" I mumble, my voice hardly audible. He gives me a last smile before hopping inside the cab. I observe in tears how it drives off, taking him away from my side, from my life.
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Will you hate me if I leave it there?...I just love drama….just kidding! lol actually I'm gonna let you decide here, if you want a happy ending tell me in a review ;) thanks for reading guys!