There was a spring in my step this morning, and the only thing that I could attribute it to was getting my feelings out. Of course, there was still a lot I had to work through.

But hey, this is a good start.

I opened the shop and waited until Jan got here. The silence was deafening as the minutes began to fly by. It seems that sometimes all you need is a good mood to make the day go by faster. Before I knew it, we were chatting with our customers and putting out new pictures when needed. Today was Drew's day off, so I was back to doing all of the old odd jobs I used to have. In a way, it made me see how much it was nice to have someone else to pick up the slack. At the same time, however, I was kind of glad to out from under his gaze. Sometimes, I felt as though he would just look at me and try to discern all the answers I kept hidden.

I have never been an open book. I have always kept everything locked away in a tight and unbreakable exterior. All of his chipping was not going to get him anywhere. I put up these walls years ago, and there was no way they were going to fall down. He was a strange guy. There was no denying that. I mean, who tries to hit on a girl when he is engaged?

Or maybe he wasn't hitting on me?

I shook my head; there was no reason for me to fret over this. It didn't matter anyway. He was just another presence in my life that I had to move around. The facts were simple, and the only person I had to rely on was my mom. I looked over to where she was trying to explain a sculpture to a customer and smiled. She had so many things that I always wanted when I was younger. Her long hair always seemed to have a life of its own, and I was always jealous of her tan skin. Compared to my fair complexion, her ultra-bronze was something I longed for. Not to mention the fact that I always had to lather up with sun block when I was going outside.

It's funny when you look back; all of those things were physical. I catch a glance of myself in the mirror and see her in my every little feature. She was me, and I was her. For so long, I aspired to be her. As it turns out, that's who I am. She taught me everything I know, and I have her to thank for that. She has always been the driving force behind my life and my goals. She is the reason I am as strong as I am.

I stack a couple boxes on top of each other and make my way out into the store room. The sale my mom was trying to make didn't really go the way she wanted. She was watching the gray haired woman leave the store and turned around to greet me with an exasperated sigh.

"Why is it, that no matter how hard I try," She ran her hands through her long braid. "People will never understand art?"

"You're preaching to the choir," I replied setting the boxes down. "You wanna try explaining music to people? I bet that's more fun."

She raised her eyebrows and then broke into a smile. "I bet you're right."

"I learned from the best," I said without missing a beat.

She walked around the counter and grabbed some of the postcards from the box I was unloading. She was lost in thought for a moment and I could see her working over what she was thinking. I worked silently beside her and let the silence surround us. We were always slow during lunch time. No one was really interested in coming to an art shop over their lunch break.

"Ok," She put the cards in her hand down. "I don't want to complain, but what's with you?"

"I'm letting go," I said simply.

"Letting go?" She mused. "That doesn't really sound like you."

"Well, I realized that I can't continue carrying this," I motioned gaping whole near my heart. "I am still young enough to move on from this."

"That's very true."

I nodded.

"Who have you been talking to?" She narrowed her eyes at me. "They sound an awful lot like me."

"What," I crossed my arms. "I can't just come to realizations on my own?"

"No, not ones like that."

I rolled my eyes at her sarcasm. "Har har Jan."

"Well," She sighed slightly. "I'm glad that you are feeling a little better. I have to admit, I was worried about you."

"I know."

"Well, as long as you know." She looked down into her hands.

"Mom," I paused trying to choose my words carefully as she looked at me questioningly. "Do you miss him?"

"Do I miss who?"

I gulped. "Isaac."

She seemed taken aback by my sudden question about someone whom we haven't spoken of in years. She was struggling to find an answer when the bell on the door jingled.

All I saw was blonde hair because this woman was moving so fast it was hard to discern anything about her. She rushed to the back room quickly and my mom and I shared a confused glance. Just as quickly as she entered she was out and making her way to us. The closer she got the more recognizable she became. Once I saw what she was wearing I knew that she was Drew's fiancée Meggie.

I groaned.

Great.

Unaware of whom this seemingly insane woman was my mother stepped up to her. "Can we help you miss?"

"Yes," She sounded frantic. "I'm looking for Drew. Why isn't he here?"

"It's his day off Meggie," I replied from where I was standing at the counter.

"Day off," Her eyes were blank. "Why didn't he tell me? I was afraid he forgot his lunch so I knew I better bring it to him."

I glanced at her hands and sure enough there was a brown paper bag that she was clutching onto.

"I'm sure he just forgot to tell you." I looked at my mom and saw the confusion written on her face. She had a right to be, I mean, it's not like I've been getting out much. "Mom, this is Drew's fiancée Meggie."

They shook hands quickly and I could tell that something still wasn't right. The last time I saw Meggie she seemed like the happiest person on the planet. Now, she was tearing apart at the seams. Her clothes were all disheveled and her usually shining green eyes were devoid of emotion. Was this really what love did to people? Or maybe just to some of them? It seems like Drew is the strong one in their relationship, and without him she was lost. Faced with something that I couldn't and didn't want to accept, I tried to push the coming thought out of my mind. No matter how hard I tried it came anyway.

Was this who I was?

Was I this torn mess of a person clinging to what she once knew? Trying to fit the pieces back together once they were in disarray? I stood there shocked at my own revelation of what I must have looked like to the world. The emptiness was starting to creep back in.

My mom, always level headed, was trying to figure out what exactly was wrong. The only part I catch is engagement off and then I realize why she is this way.

"-I don't know anymore," I listen intently to what she has to say now. "It's like I woke up one day and he was a completely different person. All the things I thought I knew were changing and he was saying things that just didn't make any sense. He is out till all hours of the night. I'm not sure where he goes. It's starting to scare me."

"Well," I try to jump in. "Are you sure he isn't working?"

She shakes her head. "Positive."

My mom glances at me quickly.

Unsure of what to do in a situation like this I stay silent. What can I say? They were only together for six months. Sometimes people are not who you think they are, and getting married that early is never a good idea.

You only knew Ryan for eight months…

My subconscious attacks the thought I just had and I try to ignore it. That was different. I'm sure of it. It's not like he proposed or anything anyway.

"When was the last time you saw him?" I hear Jan ask.

"I don't know," She replies thinking it over. "He left last night around seven or so."

"I'm sure there is nothing to worry about," The sound of my own voice startles even me. "You are probably just worry about nothing."

She looks at me unsure. "Maybe, we have both been kind of stressed lately."

"I bet." I reply. "Just go home, I'm sure he will be back before you know it."

She stands up nodding. "You're right. I'm overreacting."

I smile. "If we see him we will tell him where to find you."

She makes her way to the door woodenly and leaves without looking back.

When she is out of eye sight I go grab my coat and purse and start to put them on. There is only one way to get down to the bottom of this. I have to find Drew. He will tell me what is going on.

"Where are you going?" Jan asks me.

"I have to find him mom," I look at her straight in the eyes. "I think I know where he is, and I think he will talk to me."

"You are just going to drive around looking for him?"

"No one said anything about driving."

"Right." She nods and purses her lips together not happy with my decision.

I pause at the door and make my way back to her. I throw my arms around her and hug her close, feeling her do the same to me. It is a rare moment between the two of us, but for that reason it means more.

"Just be careful," She says strictly. "I'll be waiting for you when you get home."

"I know mom."

And with that I make my way out the door to find some answers not for Meggie, but for myself.

I climb up the tallest dune at the beach that sits on the mouth of Lake Michigan. When we were younger, this was where all the parties used to happen. We would pick this dune so that no one down below would be able to see us from where we were. That was what everyone told us the reason was, but I knew that it was because it was such a great place to just lose yourself. The sky seemed endless and the water seemed to glow black. If Drew was anywhere, he was here.

I started up and the sand rushed into my shoes. Twilight was ebbing on the sky and the light was fading fast. I needed to make my way up before it was completely dark. The dune grass thrashed my legs as I walked through it carelessly. Checking the sky, I continued up. The sun was falling and I could already see the shadow from the moon. I tripped over a piece of beach wood and lost my balance for a moment. I sighed, wiped my forehead and continued. The top of the dune was in sight now, but there seemed to be nothing on top of it. I pushed through the last patch of grass and found an open spot that was worn away from many years of beach goers. I was getting close. I struggled up the steep hill and then, just as I broke through the old path, I smelled smoke. I looked up into the night sky to try and find where it was coming from.

A funnel of smoke was coming from just to the left of me, so I shifted my path and moved quickly to the source. Through some dying flowers I could see the orange from the fire and a dark figure beyond it. Unaware of my presence, he just sat there. I made my way around the fire to his side and sat down.

He didn't say anything for a while. The two of us just sat watching the crackle of the fire and the sparks that would fly off every now and then.

"How did you know I was going to be here?" He was still staring at the blaze.

"I just knew that this is where you used to come to think," I turned to him. "How did you know I was going to come?"

"I just knew." He met my gaze and there was a whole world swimming in his eyes.

Concerned, I reached out to his arm. "Drew, what is going on?"

"Either I'm completely crazy or she is," He paused. "Whichever way, it's not good."

"What do you mean?"

"She will do these little things like be jealous of everyone I talk to. I try to explain and she yells and yells. She can't handle being alone and needs me there every second. I just need space sometimes." He sighs and crosses his arms on his knees. "And then, she will just disappear. Not for hours, but for the whole day. When I ask her, she refuses to answer. She tells me that I am the one to goes away. What am I supposed to believe?" Confusion covers his features and I too don't know what to believe.

"I can't marry her, I just can't. I didn't even want to propose in the first place."

"What?" I say shocked.

"She basically gave me an ultimatum. I had to propose or she was going to leave and never come back. I didn't want her to leave. I thought." He pauses. "I thought I loved her."

"You don't love her?"

"How can I love that?" He shakes his head. "How can I love what she's become?"

"She came to the shop looking for you," I say lightly.

"I'm sorry you had to deal with her."

"She looked awful and was saying that you were the one who was disappearing," I pulled my jacket on, feeling the breeze from the lake. "She was clinging to this lunch she said she made for you."

"Lunch?" He interjected. "She has never made me a lunch."

I shrug. "It was pretty strange."

He ran his hands over his face. "I just don't know what to do."

"I can't tell you."

"Well," He says delicately. "What did you do?"

I froze. "What do you mean?"

"When you left, what did you do?"

"That was a different situation," I breathe deeply. "First of all we were not engaged."

"I know," He frowns. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked. I know how painful it is to talk about someone you love."

"Loved." I correct and then look at him square in the eye.

I watch it sink in and he immediately goes silent. Then without a second thought he wraps his arms around me and brings me close to him. Cold, I welcome the warmth. Yet, part of me wonders if I am welcoming it for a different reason.

"I am more sorry than you could ever know Lauren," He talks into my hair and smoothes it back.

"Drew," I pull back from him. "That's not the reason I left.

He looks confused and starts to speak, but I stop him.

"I didn't find out that he was," I struggle to get the word out. "Gone, until after I left. That kills me every day. Not being able to see him one more time." I feel tears start to well up in my eyes. "I was selfish and stupid and now his is gone. You wanna know why I left? I was afraid. Stupid isn't it? I was so afraid of falling in love and then when I had it starring me right in the face I turned my back on it. I walked away, and now it's too late." A tear streaks down my cheek and I try in vain to wipe it away.

"Lauren," Drew says softly beside me. "That is not stupid and I think that he probably understood. He knew that you cared, believe me. There is no way he would forget one minute with you or one word you said." He wiped a tear away and cradled my face in his hand. "Trust me on this."

I nodded trying to believe him. Some wounds were so hard to close. I knew that I was going to carry this one with me forever. Even though with each passing day it became easier, sometimes the pain would just creep up on me.

"So," I said regaining my composer. "What exactly are you going to do?"

"I think," He mused for a moment. "I think that I have to be honest with her. I can't just lie about what I want and who I want to be with. She is not the person for me. I know that now and I think that I knew that then."

"Good for you."

"I'll tell her tomorrow."

I shivered and he held out his jacket for me. I slipped inside it and without a second thought he wrapped his arm around me trying to warm me up. He left it there and I didn't mind.

"Thank you for finding me up here," He said softly.

"You're kind of easy to find."

He chuckled. "Yeah?

I smiled at him. "Yeah."

"Well, I would say the same about you too, but it wouldn't be true." He turned to me. "You are something else Lauren."

"Funny," I look down. "You used to say that in high school too."

"I meant it then too," He cocked his head. "But it was never a bad thing."

I furrowed my brow and glanced at him. "I'm not sure I know what you mean."

"I mean that you were beautiful then and you are even more beautiful now."

I was struck by what he said. Never in a million years would I have thought that in high school he said I was beautiful. "Are you sure you are feeling ok?"

"I am positive."

"Wow," I took in a breath. "I'm not sure what to say."

"I don't expect you to say anything," His eyes were fierce. "Can I just-"

He trailed off and his eyes just lingered on mine. My heart was beating fast and suddenly I was in high school again. I was the nerdy girl with the popular guy. He leaned in and I just froze in place. I knew what was coming, but I didn't stop it. Just as his lips we about to land on mine, he turned slightly and kissed me tenderly on the cheek.

"Just let me know when you are ready," He whispered in my ear. "I would love to show you that there is nothing to be afraid of, but I don't want you to jump before you know you can swim." He kissed me again on the cheek and I closed my eyes.

My head was reeling, but not with thoughts of him. It was not his eyes that were haunting me when I closed mine. It was not his smile that I saw staring back at me. It was not his sandy blonde hair. Ryan's face was smiling back at me and I was in his arms again. He was holding me close, and keeping me warm on this cool summer night. I didn't know if I was ever going to be ready to swim again.

Sink or swim. I knew either way that it was going to be with Ryan, and never with anyone else.

I hope you all enjoyed this one! Let me know your thoughts! I miss all of your musings in my reviews!

XOXO

Lulu