Our flight wasn't until early morning, so we took a last run out into one of the more distant nature preserves, where Edward was fortunate enough to find a mountain lion. I settled for deer, as did Jasper and Alice.
I made one stop on the way back, to see my mother's grave. The cemetery was deserted at that time of night. I'd haggled to get the headstone in place on short notice, and it was set up next to the mound of loose earth. Everything was in order: Beloved Wife and Mother, and the relevant dates. We returned to the hotel by 4:00, the night desk clerk glancing up and recognizing us. We weren't dressed for a nightclub, so I wasn't sure what he'd concluded about our nocturnal excursions.
Nessie came to our room with her packed suitcase soon after that, and Jacob followed a few minutes later. Did they arrive at different times by design, or because they really were occupying separate rooms? I really would have to stop worrying about that. The rest of us were packed in minutes, checked out and headed for the airport before the sun could catch up with us. I stopped the car on the way and dumped the contents of my large suitcase, then the suitcase itself, Alice's thirty-year-old wardrobe, into a street corner charity bin, and Edward followed my example, arriving at the airport with only our carry-on luggage. We dropped off our rental cars and checked in with two hours to spare.
Jacob suggested using some of the time to find breakfast, having left the hotel too early for a meal. He and Nessie wandered off to find a cafe. I went in search of a ladies' room in which to refresh my contact lenses, just in case a security agent was paying attention to details like eye colour. On the way back, I passed a shop that sold souvenir tee shirts and basic clothing, and on a whim I went inside. I bought an inexpensive pair of jeans, a grey cap-sleeved tee shirt with 'Arizona' printed on the front, and a pair of canvas sneakers. I returned to the washroom, changed into the new clothing, and stowed my Alice-purchased items in my carry-on. I took down my hair and pulled it back into a simple ponytail.
Alice looked at me with shock when I returned to the waiting area. "What on earth have you got yourself up as?" she asked indignantly. "You're back to where you were when I first met you!"
"I guess that's the point," I said, sitting beside her. "I wanted to leave Phoenix for the last time looking the same way I did when I left the first time. It was just an impulse," I added, feeling a little embarrassed.
She sighed. "I guess that makes sense. Just don't let it become a habit." She glared silently at my running shoes.
"You do look like you did when you first arrived in Forks," Edward said, his voice a little nostalgic. I smiled and leaned my head against his shoulder.
The trip home seemed to take no time at all. I found myself eager to be back home - my real home, the big pale-on-pale house where my real family lived. They met us at the door, and in no time I was sitting with Esme's arm around my shoulders, Edward holding my hand, and everyone offering condolences and trying to soothe me. I was surrounded by love and concern, and it was wonderful. I described the funeral and the aftermath as well as I could. "It was good to see the desert one last time, too. I don't imagine I'll be back."
"What about your stepfather? Phil?" Esme asked. "Will you be staying in touch?"
"No." I was clear about that decision. I'd given it some thought in recent weeks. "I won't be able to see him again anyway. I can barely pass for thirty, much less older. I can't see giving him the runaround for the next ten or more years, the way I was doing with Renee. And besides, I...don't want to have to go through this again if I can help it. It'll happen with Charlie, I know, but..."
"Will you just break contact?" Jasper asked. "Or do you have a story in mind?"
"I think I might send him an email after a few weeks, then another short one a month or two later, then just let it lapse. Better he thinks I'm uncaring and not bothering to stay in touch, than think I've died or disappeared or something."
"That does sound best," Carlisle told me.
"Yes. And Phil has family and friends in the area. It's not like he's counting on me. I did want to make sure he was taken care of, you know, financially."
"That's easily managed," Jasper said, "without his realizing you're behind it. I can help you with it, if you like."
"Thanks." With that, I cut my stepfather out of my life. For his good as well as mine.
Jasper frowned. "Are you still feeling guilty about any of this?"
"No, I don't think so."
He took in my emotions a moment, then let himself smile. "It's not really guilt, I think, much of the time. It's just an overdeveloped sense of responsibility. You feel like it's your personal duty to look after everyone, make sure they're happy. It's hard for you to give that up."
"I guess so," I admitted. "But it's necessary in this case."
I could feel the grief over my mother's death, occupying its place in my mind but easily enough set aside to make room for whatever I was thinking at the time. It would stay there forever, never decreasing, never becoming dull or mellowing, the way human grief would. Every time I took those memories out and looked at them, the feelings that accompanied them would be as crystal clear as the memories themselves. That was part of my beauty and tragedy.
After a time, I left the room, took out the remains of my contact lenses, and found my charm bracelet. It now held a series of charms I'd gathered, commemorating the important stages of my life. I brought the bracelet downstairs with me, took Renee's pink pearl out of my purse, and attached it to the bracelet. Edward explained the significance.
"Now I have a charm for both my parents," I told them. "From the time when they were still together and getting along."
"And probably overjoyed at your birth," Esme suggested.
"I hope so."
"I'm glad I got to know her a little better," Nessie said, "even though she had no idea I was her granddaughter."
"I took some of her photos after the funeral," Jacob told her. "I thought you might like to have them. Especially the ones from before she was sick." Nessie looked at him gratefully.
"Are you really doing all right, Bella?" Rosalie asked me, looking at me curiously. My situation was unusual in this family, I realized, and maybe protocol was unclear.
"I'm fine. I mean...it's all still in there, in my mind. You know what I mean." They all seemed to. "I'll go through it when I feel like I can." Another thing humans had little control over. Their grief overwhelmed them, or else it faded and took memories along with it. Not so for me.
"I just hope it's a long time before anything happens to Charlie," I said. "And I'm glad I never have to go through this more than twice."
I touched the little pink pearl on my wrist. There was no real need for a remembrance. My memories would last longer than any material object. I braced myself for the time I'd let them come to the fore and wash over me.