Disclaimer: I do not own anything other than the story line . All rights belong to J.K. Rowling

Chapter Four: Better off Dead

For what seemed the thousandth time that morning Hermione let out a sigh of the long-suffering. She knew that this was hard on Harry, she really did, but did her best friend really have to make it so hard on her?

"Stop fidgeting," Hermione scolded. Harry once again brushed a stray lock of hair from her eyes and tried to hold still.

"It just feels weird," she murmured as Hermione went back to her task.

"I know it does, but I've got to practice getting this makeup right to cover your scar before we have to go to the funeral, and it doesn't make it any easier with you squirming like that."

"Why can't we just have Dumbledore put a glamour on it?" Harry asked again. This made at least fourteen times that Hermione could remember.

She sighed again. "Because, Harry dear, some wizards and witches can see that a glamour has been placed and it would draw attention to your forehead. We don't want that, now do we?" she asked in that voice that she usually reserved just for Ron. Harry cringed. "Stay still!" Hermione scolded him, slapping his hands.

Harry recoiled as if a snake had struck at him. She looked at Hermione as if she had betrayed a sacred trust. "It's good enough," she spat out as she got up and made her way to the side of the bed. She slipped on a pair of low heels, and got up unsteadily. "Never get used to these bloody things," she said in a low voice.

Hermione watched her best friend struggle with her shoes. As she looked up Hermione saw that she was struggling to hold back the tears that were always a moment from overwhelming her defenses. "I just wish you'd try a little harder to act like a girl, Harry," she said in a soft tone.

"Act. Like. A. Girl…" Harry stood suddenly and sprinted from the room. Hermione could hear the sob escape before she got around the corner. If only she could make Harry see that it was difficult for her to get through this too. She didn't like that her best friend was stuck being a girl. She wanted her old Harry back. She wanted the boy that she had fallen in love with. She wanted the boy that had admitted that he loved her.

"What did you do this time?" Jane Granger asked from the doorway.

"I didn't do anything, Mum," Hermione replied as she looked at her mother.

"Uh huh," her Mum said as she looked at her daughter. "And that would be why Harry just went running out the door to the back garden in tears?" She slumped her shoulders. "I'm sorry, Hermione, that your father and I failed you so badly."

"I don't understand," Hermione said.

"No, I don't suppose you do," Jane Granger murmured. She crossed the intervening space and sat next to her daughter. "Now, what did you say to Harry?"

"I told her that I wished she could try harder to act like a girl," Hermione replied in a huff.

"And I'm betting that Harry didn't take that very well," Jane commented.

"I should say not," Hermione replied. "It was almost as if she resented it."

"I bet that Harry did resent it," Jane responded. "Hermione, you do know that Harry's in love with you, right?"

"But Mum, I told Harry that if she changed back I would be happy to be his girlfriend," Hermione whined.

Jane Granger sat there and just gaped at her daughter. She tried to speak, but she just couldn't get the words out. Her mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water, and then she just stood up and glared at her daughter for a moment. She took a moment to mentally count to ten.

"Do you have any idea what you've done to Harry?" she asked.

"If I did, do you think we'd be having this conversation?" Hermione asked sarcastically.

"Lighten your tone with me, young lady," her mother said in a stern voice. "For your information, you've done to Harry what everyone else in his life has done. You've painted a picture of Harry with every letter you've ever sent home to your father and I. It's the picture of a young man who has never had any affection that wasn't purchased through his emotional bloodletting. He's never known anything else, except for what you've shown him. He's admitted that to your father."

Hermione looked at her mother, a horrified expression on her face. Her chin quivered slightly as she fought with her base emotions.

"And now," her mother continued, "you've gone and done what everyone else has done. You've put a condition – a price on your affections. And what price did you put on those affections? You put a price that he doesn't know if he can even come close to paying. In order to win your love, he must change back to a boy. He doesn't even know if he'll ever be able to do magic again, let alone change back. How could you be so heartless?"

"I didn't mean to hurt him!" Hermione wailed. "I just don't know if I can – I mean I don't know how – I like boys!" she shrieked.

"And Harry's a boy – who just happens to be stuck in a girl's body. Lord knows that I never thought I would be saying this, though truthfully your father and I did wonder for a while; but if Harry was still a boy and he wanted to be with you, would you give yourself to him?" Jane Granger looked thoughtfully at her daughter. When her daughter paused she scolded her. "Hermione Granger, please tell me the truth!"

"Yes," Hermione whispered.

"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." Jane quoted.

"Hermione, your father and I raised you better than you're acting right now. You love Harry, and he loves you. Your father and I have discussed this, and you're going to be an adult in your world in a few months. We will treat you as such. Your relationships are your own business, but take a word of advice from an experienced person. If you continue to treat Harry this way, you will lose the person you love."

"But that would mean that I would have to be with a girl," Hermione said. "And while you just quoted the Bible, doesn't it say that for a girl to love a girl is a sin?"

"Yes, but doesn't it also say to burn witches?" Jane countered. "Look, Hermione, you have to decide what's more important to you, the person you love, or social convention. You're the only one that can make that choice. Just think about it, alright?"

"Yes, Mum," Hermione promised. "I really need to apologize to Harry, don't I?"

"Yes Sweetheart, I'd say that you probably do," Jane answered. She chuckled as her daughter dashed out the bedroom door.

Hermione ran out the door to the back garden and skidded to a stop. She spotted Harry easily enough; her best friend was being rocked gently in her father's arms as she sobbed into his shoulder.

Robert Granger glared at his daughter for what she had done to Harry, but his eyes softened as he took in the sight of her. It was obvious that Hermione was beating herself up over this. He gently motioned her over, and once she got there he transferred Harry into her arms. "Take care of her," he whispered into his daughter's ear, then kissed the top of her head.

"I will, Daddy," he replied as softly.

They sat there, rocking back and forth while Harry cried herself out. Finally she looked up and seemed startled to see Hermione holding her rather than Robert Granger. "Her – Hermione?" she asked.

"Yes, Harry, it's me. I – I'm sorry that I hurt you." She wiped a tear from Harry's cheek. "I've treated you terribly, haven't I?" She cringed inwardly when Harry nodded. "Then let me make it up to you."

"Alright," Harry whispered, her soprano voice going as low pitched as she could get it.

"Please Harry, I need you to be patient with me. This is going to be hard for me to adapt to, but I'm willing to try. Will you let me be your girlfriend?" Harry's eyes got wide as she only nodded.

"I don't know if I'm ready to give you everything you want Harry, and I want you to not push me, alright?" Harry nodded again. "I'm trying, Harry, but it's hard to change everything right away." Harry looked at her uncertainly and Hermione fought the urge to sigh.

"I love you, Harry, I really do. I don't know if I'm ready to be intimate with a girl yet, but I don't want to lose you. I've been in love with you for so long, so please, try to wait for me…"

"What can you do?" Harry asked.

"Well, for right now, I'd like to try holding your hand, maybe hugging sometimes… stuff like that." Hermione looked at Harry expectantly.

"Alright," Harry said. "Can I kiss you?"

"N – not yet," Hermione replied looking a little pale. "I'm not ready for that yet." Harry looked disappointed, but she slowly nodded her acceptance.

"Best not to rush it, I suppose," she said. "Thank you, Hermione," Harry whispered as she moved in and hugged her new girlfriend. "You have no idea how much this means to me."

*0*0*

It was four days later, and for the last three days, Hermione had been grumpy and irritable. She knew that she was being difficult, and it was hard on Harry, but she couldn't help it. She hoped that Harry would recognize the signs of her impending period. When Harry had been a boy, he certainly would realize not to upset her when she was PMSing.

She could tell that it had been extra hard on Harry. She wished that she wasn't so moody when it was her time of the month, but she just couldn't help herself. Harry had been helpful, rubbing her back and neck for her when she was feeling down. She was grateful for that, but she knew that she was on edge and she could get downright nasty when the mood struck her.

And now they had to go and attend the funeral that the Ministry had insisted upon having for Harry. As if she wasn't feeling miserable enough, they just had to have it now as she was actually starting her period. Ugh!

She looked over at Harry and gave a wan smile. "Now remember, your name is…"

"Jamie Evans, yes I know, Hermione," Harry responded. "I'm your cousin and I'm helping you in your time of need." She twirled the wand that Dumbledore had delivered the other day. It had been her mother's wand, and it was almost eleven inches long, made from a springy willow. "I wish I could do something with this, but I don't feel strong enough to even manage a lumos spell."

"You'll get better, Harry, it's just going to take time." Hermione said to her. With a sigh she pushed herself up and off the bed. As Harry came over and offered her a hand up, she pulled away. She wanted to do it her bloody self! As she scowled she missed the look of distress on Harry's face. "Let's go down stairs and wait for Dumbledore there," she growled.

Harry waited for her to pass and then gently placed a hand on her lower back. "Don't touch me – not now – not while I'm like this," Hermione hissed. Harry shrunk back with a sniff. Hermione looked away and rolled her eyes. She missed the confident Harry she knew for the last four years. This Harry was so different! She knew that Harry was struggling to come to terms with what had happened, but it had been over a week now! She shook herself out of such thoughts. It was the PMS talking!

"I'm sorry, Harry," she whispered. "I know I'm a bitch when it's this time of the month, and I can't help it, but please be patient with me. Can you do that?"

"Of course, Hermione" she said so softly that Hermione almost didn't hear her. Trying to change the subject, she decided to take another approach. "Do I look alright in this?" She was wearing a hunter green dress that came down to just below her knees, as well as the low-heeled shoes she had started wearing the other day. The dress of course showed entirely too much skin for Harry's comfort. Her arms were bare, and there was just a hint of cleavage. The back was down just above her bra, and she simply felt exposed.

"You look beautiful, Jamie, really," Hermione said as she tried to smile at her – she wasn't really sure what Harry was to her. Boyfriend? Girlfriend? She finally settled at significant other. She reached out and gripped Harry's hand, eliciting a warm smile, the first that had graced her face for quite some time.

"Come on," she said simply, and Harry trudged along behind her, content for now.

*0*0*

They rounded the corner to get to the entrance to the Great Hall and Jamie skidded to a rather ungraceful stop. She staggered in the low heels, coming dangerously close to rolling her ankle. "What's wrong, Jamie?" Hermione asked as she helped her to stay upright. She followed the girls eyes, taking in the horrified expression on her face. There, making a beeline for her was an entire family of very familiar redheads.

"We've got to face them sometime," she whispered. "Just remember who you are supposed to be and it'll all work out." She straightened up and waited for the inevitable rib-crushing hug from Mrs. Weasley.

"Oh, Hermione! I'm so sorry for you, how are you my dear?" the redheaded matron asked as she almost squeezed the life out of her.

"I'm getting by, Mrs. Weasley," she answered. "It's hard, but I just have to try and think of what Harry would want…" she broke down and sobbed for a moment. Mrs. Weasley made a move to comfort her but Jamie stepped in and wrapped her 'cousin' in a firm hug.

"I've got her – Mrs… Weasley was it?" she said in her soft, high soprano. "I've gotten rather used to it over the last week," she informed the older woman. As she held Hermione close she reached out with her hand in an offer to shake. "I'm Jamie, Jamie Evans. I'm Hermione's cousin."

Mrs. Weasley ran a critical eye over Jamie, causing her to gulp and pray to whatever gods were looking over them that the mother of her friends wouldn't recognize anything familiar about her. "Molly Weasley," she answered. She motioned towards the brood that was milling behind her. "These are some of my children. My sons Percy, Fred, George and Ron, and this is my youngest and only daughter, Ginevra."

"Mother!" Ginny hissed, obviously scandalized. She looked over at Jamie and curtsied. "Hi, I'm Ginny," she said to the new girl. "I'm sorry to be meeting you in a situation like this…" She looked to be on the verge of tears, and Jamie's heart went out to her.

Jamie looked at each of the Weasleys present. Percy was taking in the scene with evident disinterest. The twins were intrigued, but subdued as the somber air of the gathering dragged them down. Ginny was having trouble, but seemed to be genuinely interested in Hermione's cousin. Ron, however, was gazing at her with a look that frankly turned her stomach. There was curiosity in that look, but also something much more basic, something which screamed out to Jamie to run in the other direction. Ron's gaze held more than a touch of naked lust in it. Jamie shrank back, pulling Hermione slightly away from the boy who had until this last year been their best friend.

"It was nice to meet you all, but if you'll please excuse us, we need to find our seats. I believe that kind headmaster wanted us up in the front…" She released Hermione from her embrace and gently cupped her chin in her hand so that she could lift her face up and wipe the tears from her cheeks. That task completed she wrapped her arm around Hermione's shoulder and led her away from the Weasley family.

They quickly made their way to the seats that had been reserved for them. Unfortunately, fate was not smiling upon them that afternoon. The ceiling of the Great Hall crackled with thunder as a storm front rolled in and lightning flashed across the expanse. Looking up and watching it took their attention away from the space in front of them for a moment, just long enough for an aristocratic looking blond man and his wife to approach the two of them.

"My, my," Lucius Malfoy sneered. "Harry Potter's best friend…" He glared at Hermione for a moment and Jamie fought the urge to gulp. She was deathly afraid that the situation would degenerate, and in her weakened state she would be of precious little help in a fight.

"Tell me, Miss – Granger, what will you do now that your best friend is gone? Will you shrink back to your – Muggle parents and wait for the Dark Lord to come and put you in your place?" He sneered at her while his wife peered down her nose at them.

Hermione bristled and was starting to inch her hand towards her wand when Jamie placed a hand on hers. She squeezed to let her know to stop. They couldn't win, not here, not now.

Lucius looked at his wife and chuckled. It wasn't a pretty sound. "Typical Muggle-born," he muttered, just loud enough to heard by passersby. His chuckle, however, turned to a squawk as his neck was taken in a remarkably strong grip. He sank to his knees as the hand that was around the back of his neck forced him downwards. He snarled only to find a low, dangerous growl drowning it out.

"I would advise you to never, ever approach Miss Granger again, Lucius," Remus Lupin hissed in the man's ear. "In fact, if I ever see you within a hundred feet of her, I shall personally rip out your throat and eat it in front of your precious family… Do I make myself perfectly clear?" Malfoy glared at the ground, but didn't speak.

"I asked you a question," Remus said a little louder as he applied a little more pressure. The veins in Lucius' neck were popping out now as he struggled in the werewolf's grasp.

"Yes," Malfoy hissed. Remus picked him up by his neck and shoved him violently away from the teens. Thankfully he seemed to consider just where he was and how public a venue they were in. With a snarl he and Narcissa left while they still could.

"Alright, Hermione?" Remus asked. Hermione nodded an sniffed, obviously distressed over what had just happened.

"Yes, Professor," she answered. "We're fine, just a little shaken." She looked up at her former professor. "Thank you for coming to our aid."

"It was my pleasure, Hermione." He looked at Jamie. "I don't believe we've met." He reached out and Jamie shook his hand. "I'm Remus Lupin, a friend of Harry's parents, and a former professor here. And you are?"

"Jamie Evans," she squawked. Of all the people to meet up with here, it had to be one of the two that would most easily see through the deception. "Hermione's cousin from Little Hampton," she whispered.

"Evans?" Lupin asked as he eyed Jamie much closer now. Jamie shrank back from the scrutiny. Lupin quickly eased off. If there was one thing that would rattle the werewolf it was that kind of reaction. Jamie played it up just a little.

"Yes sir," Jamie answered. "I've been staying with Hermione this last week since – well, you know…" she let it trail off. She eyed him with just a hint of distrust. She let her eyes widen as if she had just realized something. "You mentioned you were friends of Harry Potter's parents. Hermione told me that his mother shared my last name. We wondered if maybe I was related to her someway."

Remus looked at her again. "You do have very similar eyes and your facial structure is a lot like Lily's," he commented. "Perhaps there is something to that…" He stopped and his nostrils flared. His gaze turned sharp, before it softened and eventually he just looked rather confused.

"It looks like they're almost ready to start," Hermione said. "You should probably get to your seat."

"Yes, I suppose you're right," he mumbled as he turned to move away. As he was leaving he craned his neck to peer again at Jamie, his eyebrows furrowed.

As he found his seat and sat down, Jamie deflated beside Hermione. "This isn't working," she murmured so that only Hermione could hear.

"I know," Hermione replied. She let out a long groan as a cramp hit her. She hunched forward and Jamie reached behind her to rub her lower back. It was then that Dumbledore approached his podium.

"To all of you gathered, I greet you with sadness and grief. We are here to pay our last respects to a young man who was so much more than even his legend suggested. Harry Potter was a young man who…"

*0*0*

Hermione couldn't help it, she knew that Harry was sitting right next to her, but she cried anyway. It was probably better for appearances, but it was almost as if her Harry was dead, and a new Harry was there in his place. She wept for the loss of the Harry that she had known. It wasn't that this Harry was worse than the old, she was just different, and it hurt.

Jamie tried to comfort her girlfriend. She tried to hold her, but Hermione just kept shrugging off her arm. She tried to hold her hand, but she would squirm her finger out of her grip.

She couldn't help it – Jamie despaired of what to do. She felt as if she was going to be sick. She hoped that she didn't do anything to embarrass Hermione or herself. She didn't need the scrutiny it would bring. She had already screwed up with Lupin. She couldn't afford any more attention.

*0*0*

Hermione allowed Jamie to lead her away after they had gone up and viewed the 'body'. She had to admit that Dumbledore had done an excellent job of transfiguring whatever it was that he had used to create the 'fake' Harry.

She let herself be led to a seldom used alcove off of the Great Hall. She was shaking like a leaf and once they were away from prying eyes Jamie pulled her into a hug. She held her while the tears once more came. She held her while her body shook with the sobs that wrenched from her throat.

When Hermione had cried herself out Jamie pulled back and once more wiped away the tears. She finished and then gently caressed her cheek. She looked into her eyes and her fingers trembled as they brushed Hermione's ear. She leaned in towards Hermione and tilted her head slightly to the side, never losing eye contact. Just as her lips were about to brush Hermione's, Hermione jerked back.

"No!" she cried… "I can't! I'm not ready for this!" She shoved Jamie away.

"But – you told me you loved me," Jamie whispered. She clutched her stomach and leaned over, vomiting sick all over the floor. She swayed and collapsed into the pool of sick, smearing it across the floor as her eyes rolled back into her head and she lost consciousness.

"HARRY!" Hermione shrieked. She heard footsteps running towards her. She crouched next to Jamie and rolled her over out of the sick. She looked up and saw Remus Lupin, Professor Dumbledore and a large black dog come around the corner.

"She just collapsed… Oh my God, Jamie just collapsed!" She cried. She tried to lift her up from the floor. With a flick of his wand Dumbledore levitated the prone girl.

"We must get her to the hospital wing," he told everyone. "Please follow me."

*0*0*

Hermione sat next to the bed that Jamie was in, worry etched in her face. Madam Pomfrey was casting numerous diagnostic spells over her inert form.

"Is she going to be alright?" Hermione asked.

"I honestly don't know child," the matron replied. "It's almost like she's losing the will to fight."

Meanwhile, Dumbledore found himself cornered by a very irate Remus Lupin and a snarling dog.

"Just what the fuck is going on, Albus," Remus spat out. It was a signal of just how upset the normally articulate werewolf was when he resorted to cursing. "First you announce that Harry's dead, and we wait a week while you arrange for a funeral. Then we get here and I find Hermione with a mysterious 'cousin' who just happens to have the same last name as Harry's dead mother! And this 'cousin' could easily pass as Lily's daughter. She even smells just like Harry! Now she's collapsed and I distinctly heard Hermione cry out 'Harry'. Now this Jamie, or whoever she is, is lying here in a hospital bed, possibly dying! What the BLOODY HELL is this all about?"

"Calm down Remus," Dumbledore replied, trying desperately to hold onto his temper while being worried sick about the young charge lying in said hospital bed.

At that moment the girl in the bed moaned and her eyes fluttered open. Hermione clutched at her hand. "Hermione," she rasped.

"I'm here, Jamie," Hermione answered.

"Why?" Jamie asked.

"I don't know, Jamie – I'm trying, I really am." She was crying again. She had failed Harry so horribly this time.

Jamie nodded slowly. She went to say something but her voice failed. Hermione leaned in to allow her to try again. "The world thinks that Harry Potter is dead," she whispered, "perhaps it would be better if he really was…" she coughed softly and her eyes fluttered shut.

"NO!" Hermione screamed and clutched at her. Madam Pomfrey had to force her back.

She waved her wand over the young girl. She turned to the Headmaster. "We're losing her…"

Author's Note: So there we have it, a cliffie! I couldn't resist, it just fit so well here.

Hermione is trying, but she's not being honest with herself, and therefore is hurting Harry in her confusion. She's realized that there is a problem, and she's trying to figure it out. She's started to take steps to fix it, but she still has a little ways to go. Her growth will continue and it will allow Harry to heal.

Sharptooth