What We Bury
By: Ridley
Beta: Tidia
A/N: You all have humbled me so much by your generous reviews. Thank you-another long chapter as payment for your faithfulness. I am also throwing my beta under the bus. ;-) It was with her encouragement that I left this on an evil cliff hanger, but I hope it keeps the roller coaster feel that I wanted for this chapter. You are welcome to berate her with the review button, but to her credit she was secluded at the beach when I asked her to look at this so all left over mistakes are mine. Only one week to premiere time-as if anyone needed a reminder of that.
"Given the choice between grief and nothing; I'd choose grief."-
William Faulkner
"I know you like to think that every bad thing that happens is your fault, Steven; but I want you to get it through your thick, military issue skull that this latest debacle had nothing to do with you or your Super Navy SEAL Ninja skills."
"There was no way you could have seen it coming. No time for you to sweep in, cape flying to shield the victim from harm's way. It's not your job to take every bullet, to save everybody and be the hero at the end of every freaking day. Sometimes bad shit happens to good people who deserve it the least. Sometimes it's just a person's time to go, and all any of us normal, everyday Joe's can do is accept that it's out of our control and go the fuck on with our own lives the best we know how."
"I know you hate to admit it, and sometimes, honestly it's even hard for me to believe it, but you happen to be human just like the rest of us, Babe. So, listen to your partner and let yourself off the hook this one time because no matter what happens at the end of the day, although I happen to believe it's all going to turn out just fine despite the McGarrett cloak of bad luck that follows you around like the dirt cloud hanging over that kid Pig Pen from Peanuts, you, you big goof, are not the one who pulled the damn trigger."
Steve hit the button that would replay the voice mail Danny had left for him three weeks before, and pressed his cell phone closer to his ear. His partner's typical rant was meant to be an encouragement on the morning of the final hearing for the Freeman case, but Steve hadn't listened to the message until much later, after the trial was over, after Danny had died. Steve probably replayed it a thousand times since. Leave it to Danny to find a way to get in the last word. Never once had he considered one of his partner's passionate tongue lashings a gift-until now when faced with the very real prospect of never being on the receiving end of another.
He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath as he let the words soothe the raw memories of Danny falling to his knees on the sidewalk in front of the Palace. Steve felt the stray bullet that shattered the first floor window as sure at it had struck him. In fact, it took a full breath to realize he wasn't hit, and to assimilate the fact that the incredible jab to his gut was a warning of something much worse to come.
Unlucky soldiers understood this sudden shift to prey; hungry wolf becomes frightened field mouse cast in the shadow of the mighty hawk. An ambush jump started all of your senses, primed muscles with a shot of adrenaline that propelled you to react or die a horrible death. Only this time Steve was not quick enough. Spared, yet taken out as sure as if the mortal wound was his. He would never forget the look of surprise on Danny's face, or the red that bled across his chest.
There was so much blood. Too much. Even now, weeks after scrubbing it from his hands Steve could still feel the warm stickiness of it on his skin, the nauseating smell that seemed to have seeped in to every pore. It shouldn't have surprised him when his partner flat lined in the ambulance, considering Steve was coated with more blood than any human could afford to lose, but still the ominous beep had been a horrible jolt. Steve had yelled at the paramedic, putting hands on the young EMT he recognized from other instances when he or one of his team had been injured. He felt bad about it later when they recovered rhythm, but quickly lost all remorse when Danny flat lined twice more before they arrived to the hospital. Each time Steve felt a part of him torn away as if the predator were there feasting on his soul. It brought a pain comparable only to that of hearing his father murdered by Hesse.
The first time Steve played the voice mail was during the long wait through Danny's surgery. He'd checked his phone to see if Rachel or Danny's father had returned his call, and had seen the message icon by his partner's name. It took extreme effort to play. The haunting ironic words brought him to his knees, annihilated his hard fought defenses. Danny's voice, his insistence of Steve's innocence broke the dam that had been building since watching his partner go down. Danny's assurances that Steve was in no way at fault, even if it was in reference to Freeman's shooting, unlocked a torrent of emotion that had both Kono and Chin trying to maneuver through unchartered territory without a map or experienced guide. Danny was the one who usually talked Steve down from the ledge, tamed the rabid wolf that once stirred was damn difficult to coax back into its cage. Danny wasn't able and Steve wasn't willing to be consoled by anyone else. It had taken Grace and Rachel arriving for Steve to pull it back together, his promise to Danny to take care of his daughter working as the glue that would keep Steve from flying apart over the next trying hours- hours that dragged into torturous days, days which now stretched into grueling weeks.
He'd just started to play the message for a third time when the room to Danny's door opened, Liam Williams stepping out into the overly bright, quiet hallway that spoke to the travesty of spending sun-kissed Saturday afternoons in the hospital, especially in paradise. Steve watched the man's broad shoulders slump, his face morph as he left his son, and was freed from his granddaughter's presence. It seemed Steve wasn't the only one barely managing a brave front for Grace.
"She okay?" Steve stayed where he was, leaning against the adjacent wall. He hit the end button on his phone, tucking the cell safely into his pocket.
"Grace is fine." Liam ran a hand over his whiskered face, his gaze roving over Steve before shaking his head. "If you ask me, she's the only one who has a grip on this situation. We grownups don't seem to be fairing so well."
"Is she still painting Danno's fingernails?" Steve had left his charge armed with pink glitter polish and a makeup kit under the ruse of going for a coffee; he'd yet to make it to the cafeteria to retrieve. Grace was determined to pull out all stops. Steve didn't have it in him to quell her enthusiasm. He was half hoping to return to the room to hear an earful from an irate Danny about how a partner watched a guy's back especially when he was in a fucking coma.
"Her and Kono are adding Hello Kitty accent decals now." Liam joined Steve; shoulder brushing against the SEAL's as he too rested against the one wall vacant of decorative paintings meant to bring cheer to a place that was void of such sentiment.
It had surprised Steve when he'd picked up Danny's father at the airport; found him every bit a match to his stature and build. He had expected an older version of his partner even though all of Danny's descriptions of the man and his dedication to the Williams' family legacy of service and protection made him sound larger than life. Steve chalked Danny's version up to a son's hero worship but found Liam every bit the picture Danny had painted, physically much more a reflection of his younger son, Matthew Williams than that of his firstborn. The only similarity between Danny and his father besides their unshakeable dedication to uphold their duty to Joe Public seemed to be in their coloring and knack for brutal honesty.
"I'm not sure what accent decals are, but I'm certain Danny Boy would not be pleased at what's going on in there, or out here for that matter. You look like shit, McGarrett."
Steve snorted. "I think pissing off Danny is the priority mission for the day. Accent decals are as good a way as any."
"Grace explained you and her have a brilliant plan at work." Liam looked at Steve with Danny's eyes. "From what your team tells me, you seem to be holding up your end of the bargain in stellar fashion, Commander."
"Not you, too?" Steve expected a little more understanding from the veteran fire fighter. After all, on their first night sharing vigil at Danny's bedside, they'd talked about the depth and sanctity of a partnership forged in the heat of battle, about what it was like to watch your brother fall in the line of duty, or at least Steve had listened intently while Liam talked. Liam liked to talk and it left no question as to where Danny got his gift for gab. Steve felt as if they'd forged a kinship in the following weeks with Liam staying in the spare room at his place when they weren't at the hospital. He couldn't very well let the man stay at Danny's rat-trap of an apartment, a hotel seemed far too impersonal for his best friend's family. Admittedly, Steve wasn't the best of company, but Liam proved the type not to need an attentive host. Instead, he'd made himself right at home, much in the way Danny had done from the beginning. "I'm fine. I don't know what everyone is so worried about. I'm not going to do anything crazy."
"You forget my son has told me all about you. From the get go, it was 'McGarrett did this', 'McGarrett did that', and 'Dad, you're not going to believe what that crazy sonofabitch dragged me into today'. I hadn't heard him prattle on about somebody so much since he was in sixth grade and Veronica Muncie got boobs, but I have to admit it was a nice change from his laments about how horrible he found Hawaii." Liam ran his hands along the sides of his thick silver blond hair. "And just to clarify, in my day, punching out the highest governing official in the state would be considered a little loopy, even for a Navy man."
"I didn't punch Denning. I might have put hands on him, and there might have been some shaking taking place, but there was no swinging of fists." Thanks mostly to Chin. Steve let his gaze go to the ceiling with a huff. "Not that the bastard didn't deserve it. He's such a pompous ass. It's his fault we haven't made an arrest."
"Chin said the governor refused to let you work my son's case."
"His exact words were that I had proven by past actions not to possess the restraint to bring in Rich Murray for questioning." Steve clenched his jaw, remembering the man's audacity. He looked at Liam. "I've brought in war criminals, third world dictators, and men that have done things to women and children that would have the great and mighty governor puking on his designer loafers."
"You've never had to bring in the man who shot down your partner like a dog in the streets."
"No." Steve searched Liam's gaze, finding nothing that hinted at judgment. "But I brought in the man who murdered my father."
"You also stole ten million dollars from a police evidence locker when one of your people was threatened, broke into the former governor's mansion, was arrested for her subsequent murder, escaped from prison, launching a very expensive man hunt from what Danny told me and that's not even beginning to touch on some of the other stuff my son has said you've done in the pursuit of what you deemed right."
"Your son talks too damn much." Steve pushed away from the wall, putting some space between him and Danny's father. He managed to keep his tone neutral out of respect. "There is a method to my madness which I believe Danny's come to appreciate over the years. I've been trained to get results, and if the governor had just trusted me to do my job, then he could have saved himself another expensive man hunt."
Liam Williams folded his arms over his chest, tracking Steve with his piercing gaze. "Not to mention a long drawn out trial and another prisoner in the already overcrowded prison system."
Steve glared at the other man; not bothering to deny the accusation that he would have found a reason to finish Murray. Rich Murray was delusional; resisting arrest, suicide by cop would not be a hard sell. Steve wanted the man dead, and if he were completely honest with himself he wasn't sure if he would have been able to muster the restraint he'd somehow managed with Hesse. After all, it wasn't like Danny was around to answer to this time, and Rich Murray had thrown down the gauntlet with his taunting profession of guilt.
The call had come the day after Danny's shooting when HPD had been scrambling to come up with leads from the scene. They all knew that the first twenty four hours of an investigation were crucial and Steve, despite not willing to leave the hospital and Danny, sent Chin to supervise in his absence even though Denning had already assigned the task to his pet, Weston. While Kono began weeding through a threat profile of the most likely suspects, Steve had run possible scenarios through his head, including his long time nemesis Wo Fat. He never latched onto the Hillary Freeman connection. Despite the obscenities her father had shouted at him while being escorted from the judge's chambers, Rich Murray had not even registered a blip on Steve's radar. In all fairness, at the time Steve hadn't known the man was a former Army Ranger, a retired corporal who had served as the sniper for his highly decorated reconnaissance team and now ran a prominent security consulting firm in Dallas. The pieces easily fell into place as soon as Steve answered the unknown call. The speech was almost the same as the one the judge had given Hillary Freeman's family, the words slightly twisted and tweaked to make them more poignant and pain-inducing to Steve.
'I'm sorry about your partner, Commander McGarrett. Please give my condolences to his family. It was an unfortunate circumstance that he became caught up in something that really had nothing to do with him- a damn shame that his young promising life was cut short by a cruel twist of fate. I hope they can take comfort in the fact that the swift hand of justice has prevailed and that the man truly responsible for his death will suffer an appropriate consequence. The real villain in this story has been punished. I've made damn sure of that. Isn't that right, McGarrett?"
"I wouldn't have blamed you if you had killed the sonofabitch," Liam's rough voice pulled Steve from his dark thoughts and the SEAL felt the back breaking weight of guilt as a lone tear worked its way down the older man's cheek, disappearing into his short beard. Liam cleared his throat, scrubbing a hand over his face. "But I know that Danny wouldn't want that for you, for Grace. He'd damn well expect you to do the harder thing, the right thing, which is to let the system work its course. That's what he fought for, what he believed in. Danny Boy has always been a rule follower. I think it helps him make sense of this screwy universe."
Steve knew it was true. His partner would probably have sided with the governor, arguing that Steve's similar background to Murray did not outweigh the fact that Steve would be clouded by his emotions, his thirst to avenge his family. It wouldn't be the first time Danny had been right about Steve's Achille's heel.
"You know Danny hated me when we first met." Steve felt a smile tug at his lips as he remembered that day at his father's house when he and Danny had ended up in the first of many stand off's to come. Steve hoped like hell there would be more. "He thought I went against everything that made a good cop, but I forced him to be my partner anyway by pulling strings with the governor. I didn't care if I turned his universe end over end. All I knew was that he was new to the island but already had a reputation as a by the books stickler with an arrests record and conviction rate that spoke for itself. He was one of the true blues-like my dad and I needed him to achieve my mission. I got him shot on our first case together and have been responsible for him getting hurt countless times since then."
"I'm aware." Liam smiled, taking any recrimination from his words. "His mother has wanted me to come to Hawaii to have a little man to man with the crazy Navy SEAL terrorizing her baby for quite some time, in fact her ire was up so at one point after you supposedly shot the former governor that she considered hopping a plane herself despite her being absolutely terrified of flying since 9-11. I talked her into praying for the salvation of your wayward soul and lighting a candle for Danny instead. You're lucky my wife is an extremely devout woman and that Grace and Rachel convinced her of your innocence."
"I'm sorry I couldn't meet her this trip." Steve knew how hard it had been for Danny's mother not to come to Hawaii to be with her son, especially after the doctors had given him what was equivalent to a death sentence. In the end it had been her youngest daughter's risky pregnancy and not her phobia of flying that kept her in New Jersey. Danny's sister, suffering from third trimester Toxemia was due any day now and that left Liam to take care of their oldest child solo.
"You'll have your chance and it will only take her seeing you with her Grace for all to be forgiven. Nell Williams will claim you as one of her own, right along with Chin, Kono and the rest of your team; you'll forever have a standing invitation to come back to Jersey for whatever holiday she can gorge you with food and force you to fawn over picture albums of her babies."
Steve tensed at Liam's implication. He hadn't said the words funeral or wake, but Steve felt them lurking between the lines just the same. Danny's father had left his return plane ticket open-ended but believed the day of him flying home would be coming very soon. That would have been fine and well if Steve hadn't known for certain that Liam completely expected to be escorting his son's body back with him when he returned to Jersey. He'd heard Liam tell Chin as much.
"Maybe you and Mrs. Williams will come for a vacation soon. You could do a cruise, or Danny will bring us all home for a visit one day. He talks about Jersey Christmases like they're something out of a Norman Rockwell painting. I'd like to see him in his element, eat at one of the many restaurants that he claims has ruined him for any other food forever."
Liam stared at him, an all too familiar look of pity reflecting in his eyes. The glance was made worse by the fact Steve could see Danny so clearly mirrored in his father's gaze, the tilt of his head, the timbre of his voice nearly matching Steve's partner's 'SEAL whisperer' tone. "Son, I think you need to come to terms with what the rest of us have finally accepted. Daniel's not going to wake up. My boy's a fighter, but this time the battle was too big even for a heart like his. He's gone; his body just hasn't given up yet."
"He's not gone!" Steve growled. "And you're the one who shouldn't have given up yet. What is wrong with you people? You're his father. Dads never give up on their children. Danny would never give up on Grace. He would never give up on you, on any of us. Ever."
"You think I don't want to believe like you, McGarrett?" Liam closed the distance between them in two quick strides. His hands took flight as he spoke, poking a finger in Steve's chest once they were face to face. Steve had to bite his lip to keep from reacting, to keep his own hands in check firmly at his side as the situation echoed painful reminders from the past. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Danny's father.
"You think I don't want to hold onto a little girl's faith that her daddy is going to pull off the miracle she's praying for? I was there when he took his first breath, his first step. I was there for scraped knees, homeruns, and all the heartbreaks in between. I would trade places with him in an instant if the God my wife believes in so completely would just be merciful and let an old man leave this world without losing another one of his children. You may be his partner, his best friend, and I know that you love him, that Grace loves him, but damn it, I loved him first."
"Is everything okay?" Neither of them noticed Chin Ho Kelley's approach from the hallway that held the elevators, too caught up in the tangle of the terrible moment they had stumbled into. The Lieutenant stopped close to them, but didn't move to intervene. "Steve?"
"Everything's fine." Steve took a step away from Liam, running his hands through his hair. "We're good."
Liam held his gaze for another long moment, his breathing heavy and harsh. He didn't even glance at Chin. "I'm going for some air. Tell Grace I'll be back before she leaves."
With that he was gone and Steve once more relaxed against the wall, banging his head against the hard surface a few times for good measure. Danny would be so damn disappointed in him.
"You alright?"
"I'm great." Steve lifted his head, taking in the fact Chin was dressed in 'office' attire and not his off duty trademark t-shirt and jeans. "Any change in the case?"
Chin shook his head. "No new leads since the flight manifest. Everything points to Murray leaving the island. His son-in-law backs up the story."
"I'm not buying that." Steve might have been temporarily relieved of duty by Denning, but the governor couldn't control what the Navy SEAL did with his free time, nor could he keep him from using his military contacts. Steve had dug up everything he could on Rich Murray. The man was not the type to leave a mission unfulfilled and the media had made sure that the entire island was aware that Five-O's Detective Williams was still very much alive, if not well. HPD had guards on Danny until the flight plans surfaced and Murray was believed safely on his way to Belize. No one seemed to want to entertain Steve's protests that it all seemed too convenient-including his partners.
As proof, Chin redirected the conversation. "What were you and Mr. Williams arguing about? It sounded intense. Has something changed with Danny's condition?"
"No. That was…nothing." Steve pinched the bridge of his nose. "Just a misunderstanding."
"You've had a lot of those lately, Brah."
"People should stop pissing me off."
"You could try reciprocating the favor."
"You got something on your mind, Chin?" Steve held his arms out in an invitation for Chin to give him his best shot. He knew he was being an ass, but for the life of him couldn't seem to stop himself. "Spit it out."
Chin's brow furrowed, a rare frown marring his features. There was a reason Danny called Kelly the mother of their group. Nobody managed a disappointed look quite like Chin. "I have plenty to say, but I don't exactly feel like wasting my breath."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Steve was aching for a fight, his blood stirred by the confrontation with Liam and the man's irksome realistic streak. He might not have had it in him to tangle with Danny's father, but Chin was family and therefore fair game.
"It means I could talk until I'm blue in the face and you wouldn't hear a word I'm saying. The last three weeks are evidence of that. There's only one person you listen to when you're like this and ..."
"And he's long gone, isn't that right?" Steve was now invading Chin's space, body language begging the other man to do something about it. "You agree with Danny's dad, Rachel and the doctors. You're on their side."
"I didn't say that, Brah." Chin shook his head. "I'm on your side-Danny's side."
"You could have fooled me. I'm not blind. I see it written all over your face after we get an update from Danny's doctor. You don't think I understand what's going on with all those looks you and Kono keep exchanging-the way Rachel excuses herself from the room so she thinks I won't know she's crying? You've given up. All of you have given up."
"We're hurting and trying to cope the best we know how." Chin took a chance, reaching out and placing a hand on Steve's arm. "Despite what you think, we're still here."
Steve shook off the touch, knowing he was being unreasonable but unable to stop the momentum he'd picked up. "You're here alright. Like vultures waiting for the inevitable."
Chin's look of disappointment was back, magnified tenfold and twisted with a shocked hurt that had that knife of guilt twisting in Steve's gut. "How could you think that?"
"You haven't given me any evidence to the contrary." Steve folded his arms over his chest, watching as the hurt in Chin's gaze blossomed into an emotion he could better deal with-good old anger.
"Are you trying to give me yet another reason to kick your ass, McGarrett because really I have a long list already and contrary to what most people foolishly believe about me there is a limit to my patience. You're on the threshold, my friend."
"You can always try me, Kelley. Give it your best shot." Steve spread his arms again, finding his fighting stance. He often wondered what would happen if Chin lost control, if he allowed himself to be ruled by whatever strong emotions that rumbled beneath his calm placid surface. Danny liked to wager Chin could take them both if provoked but Steve was not above poking a sleeping tiger, in fact he revealed in the distraction it offered. A Navy shrink had once told him that his particular personality type tended to withdraw emotionally and react physically when thrust into a situation out of his control. Steve had discounted the psychobabble, but couldn't refute the astute observation when every time such situation occurred Steve found himself doing exactly what the doctor predicted.
"You'd like that wouldn't you? Someone to punish you-to deliver the physical blows equivalent to the emotional ones you've already dealt yourself. It would confirm what you already believe, that you are somehow responsible for Danny being here?"
"Fuck you, man." Steve was pissed that his prodding had not increased Chin's anger, but somehow dampened it, diluted it the wrath he was trying to stoke until it was watered down to mere pity instead. Obviously, he and Chin had very different personality types. "This isn't about me and my guilt. This is about Danny's ohana turning their backs on him."
"You call what we've been doing these last three weeks abandonment? Every minute that has not been taken up with finding the person responsible for this, we have all been here or with Grace. Kono hasn't even been home, staying in the city with Jenna on the nights she hasn't bunked here so she would be closer. Even off duty officers from HPD and Kamekona have taken shifts to make sure Danny is never alone-that you are not alone. You're not the only one going through this, the only one terrified of losing a friend, a brother."
The catch in Chin's voice, the overly bright shine of his dark eyes had Steve holding back on the reply he'd already formed in his head, the biting accusation he'd wanted to lash out with. His own fury was quickly cooling, leaving him once more with the deep ache of grief, that black hole of bleakness threatening to take him under.
"Stop being so hard on the people trying to help you," Chin continued. "You're not going to drive us away. We love Danny, we love you and we want you both to come back to us."
"Boss?" Kono's soft voice had them both turning towards Danny's room as she stepped out. Her panic-laced tone doused the last of Steve's heat, cold dread reclaiming its hold as sure as a relentless undertow. "I think you need to be in here."
"Danny?" Steve felt his heart kick up, dread landing on his chest like a cinder block, all thoughts of what he was trying to accomplish with Chin forgotten.
"No change. It's Grace." Kono stepped out of the room, pulling the door shut behind her-its soft click as loud as a gunshot. She was upset, her hands shaking as she lifted them to wipe at her face. "She's crying…I don't know what to do to help her."
"Shit." Steve pressed the heel of his hands against his eyes. "It's okay, I've got her."
"Are you sure?" Kono bit her lip, all of her usual confidence and self assurance replaced by a palpable helplessness that made her appear younger and more vulnerable than usual. "I've never seen her like this."
"I'm sure." Steve nodded, managing a grasp on his slipping control now that a concrete task presented itself like a bobbing life line. "Let Chin take you out of here for a while. Go get some decent food, some rest."
Kono took a shaky breath, stepping towards her cousin who moved forward to offer a hand, but Steve stopped him. Instead he was the one to take Kono by the shoulders, studying her face. His rookie wasn't exactly a newbie anymore, but the last three weeks had changed her in ways the last two years hadn't touched. Kono's eyes were haunted, skin pale and pinched with weariness. He would have liked to have blamed the lack of sun she seemed to need to thrive, but new it had more to do with grief. He tried to think of what Danny would do, what his partner would argue that any 'normal' human being should be capable of communicating.
"Boss, you okay?" Kono tilted her head, frowning at him before sharing one of those infamous glances with her cousin.
"I'm sorry, Kono." Steve figured an apology was better late than never. He didn't give her a chance to respond or himself an opportunity to chicken out. He drew her against him in a hard hug. "I've been an ass, and I'm sorry."
She tensed at first, and he imagined she was mouthing something akin to 'what the fuck' over his shoulder to Chin, who no doubt was looking on like some Zen guru proud of his emotionally retarded apprentice. Danny would have been eating it up, goading him on with a 'well-done, Grasshopper'.
It didn't take but a moment and probably some silent prompting from Chin for Kono's arms to tighten around him, enthusiastically reciprocating the rare embrace. Steve found himself leaning into the hug, realizing that maybe there was another way to escape the darkness besides his old fall back of anger.
"It's okay, Boss," she whispered. "It's okay"
"No, it's not." He let her go, forcing a tremulous grin when she continued to stare at him like he might self destruct at any moment. "But it will be, as soon as Danny wakes up."
She didn't reply but her smile was genuine, a hint of twinkle returning to her solemn gaze. Steve let her go and took a deep breath. He hoped he could manage things with Grace as easily.
He understood why Kono was so shaken when he entered the hospital room. The weeks had found it transformed by Grace's artwork, flowers and balloons from get well wishers, even a disturbing caricature of a hairy dolphin had made its way onto one of the bare walls, as well as some touches from home sent in care packages from Danny's stateside family- a handmade quilt, a Yankees pennant flag.
Despite their valiant attempts at camouflage, the area tenaciously retained its underlying menace like black mold under a coat of fresh paint. The many machines monitoring his partner's condition with their beeping and hissing were constant reminders they were in hostile territory, on enemy land fighting a possibly losing battle. Kono had brought speakers for Grace's IPod and they had taken to playing music, podcasts of ballgames. Sometimes they left the television on to mute out the cacophony. Today Grace's sobs drown out the familiar noises and every bit of warmth Steve had siphoned from Kono fled in the face of finding Danny's daughter curled around her unnaturally still father, small body quaking with misery.
"Gracie?" Steve moved to the bed, placing one hand on her damp face. The other he let rest on Danny's forehead, hoping to draw not only some comfort from the contact but possibly leech some of his partner's parenting wisdom. "What's all this, Kiddo?"
"He won't wake up," she choked, keeping her face against her father. "Danno won't wake up."
Steve took a seat on the side of the mattress by Danny. He felt his own emotions swell to the surface when his partner remained unmoving, an unwitting silent participant in what was taking place. The lump that Steve had grown used to in the back of his throat seemed to inflate from golf ball to grapefruit size, threatening to steal his breath. He saw Grace's hands were wound tightly in Danny's hospital gown, worried briefly that she might cause further injury even though the one thing the coma had given Danny was time for his gunshot wounds to heal. It was the unseen damage, the mystery the human body still held for brilliant doctors that kept Danny from them.
"Grace."
She finally lifted her head from Danny's chest to look up at Steve. Her eyes were red and swollen, cheeks and forehead blotched and puffy with strawberry shaped patches of red. Strands of dark hair stuck to her damp skin.
"I told him everything! I told him about the governor and about my new clothes. I told him you said the mother of all bad words and that we saw jelly fish and a shark fin this morning when we were surfing, even though you said it was a dolphin. I told him Stan was going to send me to boarding school in England and that I was thinking about kissing Tommy even though both of those things are lies."
He kept his gaze on her, his eyes burning with empathy. Steve didn't interrupt or reach for her. Rachel had told him Grace hadn't cried since the first night Danny was shot, and Steve worried that he had done her some great disservice by recruiting her for his Team 'Suck it up and bring Danno Back at all costs'. She needed to let go, to lay the burden down.
Steve remembered the first time he cried over his mother. It was weeks after her death when he'd gone to the mailbox and found a gardening magazine with her name on it. That was when it sank in that she wouldn't be around to see her precious flowers in full bloom in the summer-the moment he accepted she wasn't coming back.
Grace was crying so hard now she was gagging between gasping breaths, shaking the mattress the three of them shared like a warning tremor before the fatal quake that promised to plunge them all into the abyss. "I want my Daddy. I want him to come back right now!" She howled.
Steve had been too old, too caught up in his sixteen year old hormones to allow himself to voice so plainly and loudly what he'd felt that April morning so long ago; but he'd screamed it on the inside, bellowed silently for all he was worth the same sentiment Grace was wailing now. He reached for her, lifting her across Danny, pulling her onto his lap. She scrambled to get closer, attempting to climb through his skin, burrow away from this terrible thing hurting her. He cupped the back of her head as she buried her face against his neck, her hands fisting in the back of his t-shirt.
"I painted his nails pink! I put lip gloss on him," She hiccupped. "Why won't he wake up, Uncle Steve? Why?"
"I don't know, Gracie. I wish I had the answers. If I did, I would fix this. I promise I would fix it." He rocked her, rubbing her back the way he'd seen Danny do the day they'd found the dying seal. It was caught in discarded fishing line on the stretch of beach near Steve's place. Grace had been inconsolable.
She begged her father to take the struggling animal to the vet though the poor thing was way past any treatment. Grace refused to leave in its final moments, kneeling beside the seal's trembling form as it drew a last breath. As ridiculous and impossible as it would have been, Steve wanted nothing more than to hunt down the fisherman responsible and make him pay but instead Danny knowingly charged his partner with burying the seal, while he was the one to shush his daughter's tears. He calmed her with kisses, hugs and his trademark humor. Danny, who offered no help now, not even solace with his presence. In fact, the warmth of his body against Steve's seemed traitorous and Steve couldn't bear to look at his partner, whose slack face, silent hands and slowly rising chest felt cruelly mocking. The SEAL closed his eyes.
Again, Steve didn't have someone to punish, the man who shot Danny almost as elusive to him as the careless fisherman had been. He didn't even have a body to bury this time so he took a deep breath, inhaling in the lingering trace of ocean still present in Grace's hair and on her skin from their morning swim. He envisioned dappled sun on the water, the sound of her laughter and surf crashing against sand and let the familiar scent of the sea offer the comfort his best friend couldn't while he tried to give Grace what she needed.
"Danno would wake up for us if he could, Kiddo. I swear he would and not because he's pissed at something one of us has done but because he loves us. Your Danno loves you, Grace. He loves you more than anything and he would do anything for you. There's nothing I believe more."
"I just want him to wake up." She sniffed, her piteous sobs wearing down from what Steve suspected was sheer exhaustion and adrenaline dump instead of any real relief he was providing.
"Me too, Gracie." He clutched her closer, leaning back against the head of the bed. He opened his eyes, staring down at Danny who stayed lost to them, as if he were a cruel mirage, a mere echo of what should have been there. Steve kissed the top of Grace's head, feeling her body go boneless against his chest. "Me too."
Steve didn't know how long they lay there, Grace heavy in his arms, her now easy breathing matching tempo with Danny's. When the door opened, he expected a nurse, perhaps Liam or one of his team returning. Rich Murray was once again the last person on Steve's mind.
To be continued…