Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by Stephenie Meyer. All recognisable characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
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going nowhere, going somewhere
(part two)
Caden owned a motorbike. It shouldn't have surprised Edward, but for some reason it did. It seemed that despite how loudly he could hear his thoughts, there seemed to be an endless depth to him which Edward couldn't pin down.
"Like it?" Caden asked, straddling the seat in a distractingly casual manner. Edward forced his gaze back up to Caden's face.
"It's…very nice."
"Have you ever ridden one?"
"I have not."
"Dude, you're over a hundred years old and you've never been on a motorcycle?"
Edward raised his eyebrows. "I can run faster than whatever speed that machine could ever reach –"
"It's the principle, not the semantics," Caden interrupted, looking nonchalant. "Get on. I'll give you a lift home."
Edward stared for a moment, then slid into the seat behind Caden.
"I take it you don't need a helmet," Caden grinned. "Still, you should hold on in case we get pulled over by cops."
When he hesitated, Caden sighed loudly as he reached back to grab Edward's arms and tugged them around his waist.
"Don't let go, okay? I know you're practically indestructible, but…y'know, I'll still feel weird if you don't hang on."
Caden was warm in a way Bella would never be again. The thrum of his beating heart was like a melody to Edward's mind, so strong and full of life.
It was a few weeks after Edward had told Caden he was a vampire that Caden asked how old he was. Caden was sprawled out on his bed procrastinating as Edward turned around his chair at the desk and faced his peculiar roommate. He'd prepared an answer for this, having listened to Caden think about the subject for a few days. He started to explain that he was well over a hundred years old –
"Seriously?"
"Yes. I was born in 1901, and I was transformed into a vampire in 1918."
Caden sat up on the bed and stared at Edward. "You're not having me on?"
"Um –"
"If you were born in 1901 that means you lived through World War One, then got turned into a vampire, then lived through the Great Depression, then World War Two, and then the Cold War, and Vietnam, and – and – you experienced the 70s! Holy crap – you are the twentieth century! That's so – that's amazing! I mean," he added on hurriedly, abashed, "I'm sure some of that was hardly fun but…I mean…I love history. Modern history, 'specially. You must have seen some amazing stuff. D'you think…if you want…could you maybe tell me about it? About your life? The things you've done?"
Caden trailed off with a blush, realising he was sounding like an overeager child on Christmas Eve. Rather than laughing, Edward offered him a small smile, touched by his interest, and gave him a brief run-down of his life over the past century. How he'd been taken in by Carlisle and was joined shortly afterwards by the rest of his family, and how they formed a tight coven, what their powers were (except for his) and went to different schools and colleges all over the world –
"So, lemme get this straight. You are, for all intents and purposes, immortal. You have a 'sister' who can see the future which is why you're so wealthy, getting the right numbers for lotto and such and being able to see the ups and downs of the stock market, and your 'dad' is basically the most experienced surgeon in the world. So are you, technically, since you've been through med school a gazillion times."
"I don't think it's been that many times –"
"And you all just…go to school, over and over again?"
He wished Caden didn't sound so dismayed. "Well, yes. We try to fit in as much as we can."
"By going to school."
"Yes."
"Dude, I went to school once. That was one time too many for me. I don't get it. You've got gifts – powers – and you waste them on schoolwork?"
There was no outward evidence of the disgust Edward could hear in Caden's thoughts – There are kids starving to death in Africa right now, and you have enough money to singlehandedly build a school for them every hundred meters apart. Your sister can see the future, and yet you did jack shit on 9/11. The fuck, man…
Shame was a feeling Edward was used to, but never quite to this extent. Not on matters like this. "We're supposed to live in absolute secrecy. Limited contact with humans. The Volturi – sort of like a vampire council – expressively forbid it. If we did any of that we'd be hunted down by them and, for lack of a better term, euthanised. We're not meant to engage in contact with humans. I don't even know why I'm telling you this. I'm just putting you in danger –"
Caden shrugged. "Hey, who's gonna tell them? What they don't know won't hurt them."
Edward frowned disapprovingly. "You are as careless about your own safety as Bella was."
"Bella – your girlfriend?"
"Yes. We met ten years ago in a place called Forks in Washington."
"Never heard of it."
"Most people haven't. We chose it because of how often it rained. No sunshine."
"So, you've travelled then? All over the world?"
"Of course. Italy, France, Canada, South America – you name it."
"That's pretty cool. More than most people get to do in a lifetime."
"I do have eternity," Edward said, amused.
"Oh, yeah," Caden grinned. "But even then, how can you get to do the things you love if you just go to school over and over again?"
"My wife is with me. Bella, that is. I love her. We do it together now."
He's married? He heard Caden think, shocked. (Disappointed? Betrayed? It was hard to tell.) "You're married?"
"Yes. She is my mate."
He hated the way something in Caden's eyes flickered and died.
Right. Mates. Because vampires mate.
"So you go to school with your…wife." Caden hid a grimace. "Kinda sweet, I guess." This was a lie, but Edward didn't call him out on it. "But haven't you ever wanted to do something? What's the one thing in the world you desire most, more than anything?"
"Bella is everything and anything I could ever want," Edward explained.
"…Yeah, great, but I mean like, the one thing I want to do the most is become an author. I love to write. I couldn't imagine doing anything else. The ability to put words down on paper and create a world, a universe, a person, and then being able to share that with others. That's me. That's what I am. That's what I want. You can love a person and still love something else. Something else that defines you for being you."
Edward stayed silent.
"You…" Caden prompted.
"…I…" Edward responded, and found that was all he could say.
What else did he want, besides Bella? Bella made him happy. Bella was kind and beautiful and a mystery, still. Sort of. But that wasn't what Caden was asking. Besides Bella, what kept him going? And this was where Edward Cullen, for the first time in over a century, faltered. He imagined being human for a moment, heart picking pace and hands clammy with cold sweat, maybe his face turning red at the thought that he just didn't know what he wanted.
He enjoyed playing the piano, but it wasn't something he wanted to do all the time. He didn't want to do it for the rest of his life. It didn't keep him going, didn't fill him with the emotion or passion which filled Caden when he spoke of writing. Who, then, was Edward Cullen? Who Edward Cullen without Bella Swan?
Caden took pity on his silence. "Well, then, tell me what you wanted to do when you were still, uh, alive."
"In 1918?" Edward clarified, grateful to get away from that particular line of questioning.
"Yeah, tell me about that."
"I don't really remember. Most of my human memories faded away after the transformation. Although…"
He was quiet for a very long time, thinking. Remembering. The whispers of a memory, so distant, danced around the corners of his mind. He tried to reach for them, only to feel them slip from his fingers as surely as trying to catch water. But something still danced there, almost out of reach –
"An actor," he realised, opening eyes he didn't noticed were closed. His answer surprised himself. It had been so long ago… "I wanted to be an actor, and perform in stage shows – large productions. Musicals. I loved them. But my father disapproved – acting was not a respectful option for a member of the aristocracy. I was his only son…I was supposed to become Lord Masen in his place and get married and sire children as soon as possible, to keep the Noble Line of Masen running and influential… He was very traditional."
Caden nodded. "Well, contextually that makes sense. But those values are pretty outdated these days. Why don't you act now? It's not like there's anything stopping you except for the whole vampire thing."
"As you pointed out," Edward said, amused again, "it is exactly because of the whole 'vampire thing'."
"Yeah, well, you blend in pretty well when you stay out of the sun. Y'know, my brother runs late-night acting classes, if you're interested," Caden offered. "That way you won't glitter and people won't think of you as some drag queen wannabe. 'Cause seriously, when I saw you sparkling, the first thought that came to mind was definitely not 'vampire'. Just for the record."
He scrawled down his brother's email address to give to Edward before disappearing to his next tutorial.
Edward clutched the piece of paper the entire day.
When he went home that night, and held Bella in his arms after they made love, he hesitated before asking, "Bella…what is the one thing you want to do for yourself, the most in this world?"
She turned over and faced him, golden eyes watching him. He wondered what she was thinking when she smiled and kissed him. "What a strange question," she mused. "I want to be with you, Edward. That's all I could ever want."
But haven't you ever wanted to do something? What's the one thing in the world you desire most, more than anything?
…You can love a person and still love something else. Something else that defines you for being you.
Somehow, her answer didn't comfort him the way it used to.
He had to slip up sometime.
He tried, so hard, to keep his power hidden from Caden for as long as he could – it was one thing to tell Bella, because he couldn't hear anything she thought, but telling Caden, when he was able to hear everything that ran through his mind, felt like a disaster waiting to happen. Perhaps it was cowardly but he didn't want to see the look on Caden's face when he revealed that he'd been listening in on every private thought of his for the better part of five, nearly six, months.
Of course, that was all just wishful thinking. As loud as his thoughts were, sometimes it sounded like Caden was talking directly to him.
And that day, he answered back.
Caden looked up from his computer. "What?"
"I said –"
"I heard what you said. What were you replying to?"
Oh no, Edward thought, and felt his body tense. "You asked how many years Queen Victoria reigned for," he said softly, almost making it sound like a question.
"I didn't say that. I thought it," Caden said, watching him suspiciously.
"Well, um…lucky guess, I suppose" Edward supplied. If his heart was still beating, he imagined it would pounding in panic. Caden snapped the lid of his laptop shut and crossed his arms.
"You know, you told me once that your family have powers."
Edward didn't answer, letting guilty silence fill in.
"Your sister can see the future. What's your power?"
"I…"
"Edward."
One glance into Caden's stony eyes and he knew there and then that there was no way to get out of this. It had to happen sometime, and Caden certainly deserved to know…so he unwillingly admitted, "I…can hear peoples' thoughts. Almost everyone's thoughts. Especially yours."
Caden stared at him. "You can hear what I'm thinking?" he repeated slowly.
"All the time. You're very loud."
Silence.
One beat. Two beats.
"And you didn't think to tell me about that insignificant detail?" Caden exploded, rounding on him. "You didn't think I wouldn't be interested to know that you can hear what I'm thinking? Everything?"
"I didn't –"
"Bloody hell! Haven't you got any respect for my privacy? For anyone's privacy? Did it not occur to you that maybe I don't want you to know certain things, which is why I don't say them? And now I find out you've been hearing everything I've been thinking anyway?"
"I can't help it," Edward defended himself. "If I could just turn it off, I would – I swear I would – but I can't help what I hear. Your thoughts in particular – you're louder than anyone else I've ever come across."
"Oh, so now this is my fault? How is it my fault for thinking? The one place I had absolute privacy and control over until you came along – why the hell didn't you tell me? Maybe I could have – I dunno, shielded or something. Didn't you ever stop to think that maybe I don't want you to hear everything I think? God, Edward – you're so caught up in thinking you're better than us mere, fragile humans and you're completely dismissive of our feelings. Because guess what, we do have feelings!"
"I…I was not being dismissive of you," Edward tried to explain, but Caden wasn't listening.
"Yes you were. It's just…Jesus. I don't know. Do I – do I mean anything to you at all or am I just some big joke to you now?"
"You're not a joke, Caden," Edward managed to say.
"You're doing a shit job of proving otherwise," he spat out, then buried his burning face in his hands. "Jesus Christ, the things you must have heard…Does that mean you know about – oh, forget it. You probably already think I'm the world's biggest fool. Scratch that, I am the biggest fool."
"Caden…"
But Caden was throwing books and papers and pens into his bag agitatedly and storming out of the dorm. "I need to get to class," he grumbled, and the slamming of the door made the fishbowl on the desk shake.
Edward didn't see Caden again for three days. For someone whose thoughts he could hear more loudly than anyone else he'd ever encountered, and for someone so noticeable, he did a spectacular job of hiding. Edward tried not to worry, but he failed miserably because his entire family noticed when they met up that night. He didn't tell them anything, not even Bella who tried to coax him into sharing what was bothering him. He almost told Renesmee but decided against it, and tried to not let it affect him.
He noticed during that week at college that the English, Media, and Performing Arts faculty was putting on a musical production. Chess – a well-done musical, Edward recalled, and one of the more enjoyable ones of its decade.
Caden mentioned once that he liked Chess.
There were already twenty-four names signed up on the list. Edward stared at the names – none he recognised – then impulsively picked up the pen attached to a string, wrote his name on the next line, and walked away before he could change his mind and cross it off.
On his way home, he bought the soundtrack to Revenge of the Sith.
"You what?"
"I signed up for a musical at the college."
"Why?" Rosalie sounded bewildered.
"I wanted to." When was the last time he said that? He could hardly remember. Maybe some time in 1920.
"Which production, Edward?" Carlisle asked politely, far more open-minded about this than the rest of the family.
"Chess."
Carlisle nodded approvingly even as Emmett snorted. "One of my favourites from the twentieth century. It has some wonderful songs in it. I hope you have fun. Just be careful."
"I can't believe you're endorsing this!" Rosalie screeched at Carlisle. "He's putting us all in danger – again! First with Bella and now with that human boy Karl he's friends with –"
"Caden," Edward interrupted angrily. "His name is Caden, and I'd appreciate it if you got it right!"
"Whatever! Carlisle –"
"I didn't know you liked acting," Bella said softly to him as Rosalie and Emmett continued arguing with Carlisle. Jasper hung around in the background, trying to soften the raging emotions.
"I wanted to act when I was human. I'd forgotten all these years. Caden…suggested I take acting lessons."
"You told Caden?" She sounded hurt. Even though he couldn't hear her thoughts, he imagined she was thinking, You told Caden and not me?
"You never asked," Edward muttered in explanation, and fled the room.
The next day Edward found Caden in the cafeteria.
"Hello," he said uncertainly, hovering next to him. Caden glanced up.
"Hey."
"How…how have you been?"
"Good," was the short answer, and Edward sighed.
"Listen, Caden…"
"Saw you got into the call backs for the musical."
"I – yeah. I –"
"It'll be fun. I'm sure you'll get in. I'll, uh, come and see you in it, when it's on."
Edward hesitated. Caden kept his eyes down, as if ashamed of something, and he realised a moment later that Caden was, in a quiet, embarrassed way, offering an apology.
"Thanks," Edward finally said, "I'd like that."
It seemed to be the right thing to say, because the tension in Caden's nonsensical thoughts lessened. They fell silent, and Caden focused rather intently on his food.
So…
Edward nearly jumped at Caden's thoughts, directed – for the first time – intently at him.
Can you…hear me?
Edward nodded, and Caden blinked.
Huh. 'Kay. Don't listen too hard, all right? I might like you, but I don't think I'm willing to share all my deep dark secrets with you just yet.
"Deep dark secrets?" Edward repeated, semi-amused, and Caden shrugged.
"You gonna stand there all day or sit down? It creeps me out when people watch over my shoulder when I eat."
Did that mean he was forgiven as well? Was this how fights were resolved between two men? Two friends? No long, weepy sessions of apologies and begging forgiveness like he'd done with Bella? When Caden raised an eyebrow at Edward and gestured for him to sit down next to him, Edward smiled tentatively and took a seat.
Maybe it really was as simple as that.
"Tell me about Bella."
Edward closed his eyes. "She's the most amazing woman I've ever met. She's kind, and virtuous, and beautiful. She was my la tua cantante. My Singer. Her blood called to me but I resisted, and instead fell in love with her. We are mates. She is the one person in this world whose mind I am incapable of reading. We were destined to meet, and fall in love. Once a vampire mates, it is for life. I love her more than I dare to imagine."
Caden blinked. "…how romantic. How'd you fall in love?"
"Her scent pulled me to her. She intrigued me, because I couldn't hear her thoughts. I wanted to know more about her."
There was a short silence while Caden thought about this. "So you fell in love with her because she smelt tasty and because you didn't know what she was thinking?"
Edward huffed. "It sounds so shallow when you say it that way."
"Sorry," Caden apologised carelessly, not sounding very sorry at all. "That's all I really got from that."
"She's my –"
"Soul mate, I get it. Why, though?"
This time it was Edward who blinked. "What do you mean?"
"Well, what kind of things do you like doing together?"
"I play her songs on the piano. We hunt together, just spend time together."
"…And?"
"And what?"
"Is that it? You play her a song, you eat a deer, you have sex? What do you talk about? What are your favourite movies or board games? What do you fight about? The makeup sex must be awesome if you're gonna spend eternity together."
"Our favourite book," Edward emphasised, "is Wuthering Heights. And we don't fight. We never fight."
"Never?"
"We've nothing to fight over."
"So you believe in exactly the same things. You always see eye-to-eye."
Recently, not as much, but Edward didn't say that.
"Huh." Caden sat back. "Can't say I've ever heard of that happen before."
"Meaning?"
"Meaning, every couple I know fight like a cat and dog tied up in a bag together. I'd have been bored after a week. You have an eternity of…not fighting. Fights make things interesting and exciting. Y'know, imperfections make the perfection. Plus, makeup sex is always the best part of a warring couple."
If he had the ability to, he might have blushed once, but the next words, cheeky and so incredibly not him, were out of his mouth before he could stop them. "You know this from experience?"
Caden just smirked.
He scored a leading role in the musical. One of the two male leads – the coordinators were still deciding which character he'd suit better. Edward arrived home late on Saturday night after another audition, missing the family hunt. He didn't spend much time talking with Carlisle and Alice and Emmett, instead opting to stay with Bella for the night. He found her sitting on her bed, as beautiful as the day he'd met her, and just as small.
"Bella?" he asked softly, approaching her.
"You're late."
"I'm sorry. The auditioning took longer than expected –"
"It's almost as though I don't know you anymore," Bella whispered, looking down at her hands, and Edward felt a pang in his stomach.
But you never knew me. How could you know me when I didn't even know myself? Oh, Bella…
"Edward…what's wrong?"
Midlife crisis, I guess. I am a hundred years old, after all. Had to happen sometime.
"Nothing's wrong, Bella. I'm just…"
How could he explain himself? How could he look at her and say, I want more? Tell her that even though he loved her, she wasn't enough? No, he couldn't tell her – she would never understand, and it would break her heart as surely as the previous time he'd broken her. Sweet, innocent, dependent Bella who sacrificed everything she could have been to be with him. Because he was the only thing she kept going for. The only reason she existed. She'd been that for him.
Until Caden, and his stupid Star Wars movies and Harry Potter books and loud introspective thoughts and the amount of life he was bursting with. And his motorcycle.
Stupid, annoying, distracting, (incredible) Caden.
He sighed, pulled her close, and kissed her forehead. It was more like a father's gesture than a husband's when he did that now. It made him feel ill. "Don't fret, my love. I'm just trying out some new things."
"But why?" she whispered, sounding like a child. "I don't understand."
And she never would. He distracted her by kissing her.