Mea Culpa : Amor et melle et felle est fecundissimus
"Love is rich with both honey and venom"
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, I do however own this story, I'm just borrowing the characters.
A/N: Just wanted to say a big thank you to Lanter and Sophie for your reviews, and a thanks to all of those who have story alerted this/ author alerted this (woo hoo!) favourite and anything else that you have done for this ff. By the way, on a random note I've been reading a ff called Taking the long way by the author grownupspashely it is pretty darn good. So if I'm not writing this I'm reading that or Teenage dream by Normal-Is-For-The-Boring. Seriously – check them out. They're both Brittana of course!
It was 5 a.m. now and Santana still hadn't slept, she tossed and turned in her bed, the sheets slowly tangling around her legs.
She sat up and rubbed her face in exasperation, feeling her tense features relax slightly. Santana had calmed down a lot now, reverting back to her usual numb facade. Even so, she had to leave her apartment, she needed to go out and feel the still morning air on her face.
She got into the shower quickly, feeling the hot water practically scald her skin; she began scrubbing harder and harder until her skin felt raw. Last time she had scrubbed this hard it was just after... just after her and Brittany's first kiss.
She felt sick again, her mind recalled it with a startling clarity.
"What happened Britt Britt? Why are you sad?"
"I don't want to say." She said standing awkwardly on Santana's doorstep.
Santana watched her expectantly, arms crossed her chest showing that she wasn't going to back down until she found out.
"Me and him, well we – we had sex and then he told me to leave, he didn't want me so I walked here, I don't want to go home San."
Santana couldn't control the sudden burst of anger, but she wasn't quite sure where it came from.
"How could you do that? You're 16 Britt, you don't know what you want. Why now? "
Brittany pushed past and walked upstairs straight to Santana's room. Santana followed her quickly.
"Tell me Britt – why him?"
"You had sex for the first time with Puck when you were 15" Brittany muttered quietly.
Santana flared up again.
"How many times do I have to tell you? He made it up because I wouldn't have sex with him. I haven't had sex at all. Just because all the guys at school say I have doesn't mean it is true Britt."
Brittany didn't want to argue so instead, she curled up into a ball on Santana's bed her body shaking silently. Santana felt guilt for the first time and shame, but ultimately she felt sadness too and something stirred within her.
She walked over, hesitating briefly before lying down on the bed next to her, her body moulding around Brittany's like a protective layer. She wrapped her slender arms around her friend and whispered that she cared, that she wanted her around always. She began to stroke her hair in what Santana hoped to be a reassuring way.
"Britt, I just –"she stroked her fingers through her hair trying to think of the right way to say what she was about to say.
"I care about you a lot, and I don't like the thought of you having sex with just anyone, it should be with someone who you love - who you want to share yourself with completely."
Brittany's shaking stilled beneath Santana's hands. Santana pulled her closer and tighter without knowing exactly what she was doing or the consequences of these actions.
By now night had fallen, there was a tranquillity and sense of peace hidden within the shadows. Within those shadows a bargain was made, wrapped in secrecy and hurt.
Santana had felt Brittany shift slightly so she loosened her grip on her body. Brittany turned around to face Santana so close that she could actually see directly into her eyes and feel the heat emanating from her body.
Without a second thought Brittany slid her hands into Santana's hair and felt the smooth and soft curve of her lips become still at first and then move in time with her own. Santana pulled Brittany back to her firmly, until their bodies were crushed together and for once it all seemed right. This is what Santana felt ease the butterflies in her stomach. Santana began to kiss Brittany more urgently, fevered and worrisome that daylight would come by too soon.
That is how they stayed all night, close and eager, and happy to just be kissing each other.
When the sunlight began to shine, and after only having an hour and a half of sleep Santana awoke to Brittany sleeping contentedly by her side. An uneasy feeling filled the pit of her stomach as she launched herself quickly to the bathroom to throw up. The elation and clarity from such a short while ago left her feeling disgusted and confused. It was then that she heard a gentle knock on the door.
"Santana are you okay?" Brittany's voice – weighed down with sleep- brought about a new wave of sickness, Santana didn't want to be confronted with it right there and then.
"Just go Brittany." She heard her bedroom door swing open then shut and then came the silence.
After a few more moments she walked in to find Brittany sitting cross legged on her bed, wearing nothing more than a t-shirt and knee high socks.
"We need to talk." Santana waved her hand at her in a gesture to get her to leave but she wasn't moving. Brittany got up and tried to hug her, but upon seeing her face she dropped her arms and looked down.
"I'll go and take my things, see you at school?" Santana nodded mutely and watched as she gathered her things. As she made her way to the door clothes in hand she hovered in the doorway and turned to look at Santana once more.
"For what it's worth I'm not sorry it happened." Santana moved swiftly over and wordlessly linked her pinkie finger with Brittany's; it was the most contact she could deal with at that moment.
By now the water had turned cold, as she remembered the dejected look. As soon as she had heard that door close she went straight to her shower, scrubbing her skin until she bled, all the while hating herself for not hating having kissed Brittany.
Now Santana resented the fact that 1) Brittany had shown up. 2) Agitated at the fact that she liked knowing that Brittany was here somewhere and then 3) sad knowing that she couldn't have her.
Santana got out of the shower, pulled on her warmest clothes and went for a walk. The snow was still thick on the ground; with each footstep taken the snow clung to her boots melting after a little while. Her breath turned to a heavy mist in this winter's air, even though the sky was still dark it looked to be a deep rich red. She was looking up, twining her fingers together in a multitude of ways.
"Santana?"
The gentleness of the voice surprised her and at the same time sent a chill right down to the core of her.
"What are you doing here?" She said, she didn't even need to turn around to know who it was.
"Same reason as Brittany, I came to see you. I came to say sorry for all the shit I put you through at school."
"But why now? I don't get why you are all showing up now." With this statement she spun on her heel and marched right up to him.
She may have recognised his voice, but she certainly didn't recognise the guy staring back at her.
"Puck what the fuck happened to you?" Santana's hands reached up instinctively and began touching his face lightly; her thumb ran ever so gently across the split in his lip. Her index finger hovered above the deep purple shadows under both eyes.
"Some guys jumped me when me and Britt first got here, literally went out for milk and came back like this. Of course they came out of it worse off." There it was, there was that same old Puck. He laughed gently.
"You should both leave." Santana stated, backing away from him slowly.
"Why? All we want to do is talk to you. Britt wanted to see you once she found out where you were, but no way could she come here alone. She doesn't have street smarts like you. If this happened to me, imagine what would've happened to her if she was here alone."
Santana winced; she didn't even want to contemplate what would've happened. For once, she was actually grateful for Puck's presence.
"You two leave. Or I leave. Make your choice, because all three of us cannot be living close to each other like this. I came here to leave you all behind and that's one promise to myself that I'm going to keep." Santana stood awaiting Puck's answer.
"Why won't you speak to her? She won't tell me and you're ready to disappear at any moment – so what really happened Santana?"
She shook her head.
"Another time?" he asked hopefully.
She nodded her head and carried on walking to nowhere, leaving him far behind.
As soon as she gets back to her apartment, she is packing up and moving on. She thought idly about how it would only be two boxes, and she would have to tell Melissa that she wouldn't be riding with her to uni anymore, and try and transfer her course to another university. She would never give up her studies just because someone came along and inconvenienced her life.
As she started reeling off all the things she would have to do in order to move away and the added expense as well, she couldn't help but think it wasn't worth it.
Avoidance seemed like the best option.