Mea Culpa :Aegri somnia
" A sick mans dreams"
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, I do however own this story, I'm just borrowing the characters.
A/N: Ok so this chapter has a little bit of sex in it. Not much though and not with who you think. It's also an entire 'memory' chapter. The song I had in mind for this is Sarah McLachlan's "Possession" it came onto my I-pod unexpectedly and the words really made me think. If you know the context of the song disregard it, as Santana hasn't spontaneously become a stalker :) . Thank yous again go out to everyone who has alerted this ff, those who reviewed (Lanter, Wah, TheWeirdEmma and darkanglee!) and can I just say I am so pleased that 518 people have viewed this ff. That really made my day! So THANK YOU!
Santana sat in her garden, she could hear the gentle breeze flow softly through the space, stirring the branches of the tree to life.
She couldn't believe what had happened. Brittany's kiss had stirred something within her. But she knew it had been out of vulnerability. It didn't mean anything.
Santana's stomach twisted at the thought and her skin prickled where Brittany's fingers had once been. She didn't want to believe that it had actually been real, but even if it had been a fantasy it still wasn't right.
It couldn't have been true.
The sun was rising and she knew that she should've been sleeping, but she couldn't. Two nights ago it had happened and since then she had trouble sleeping. She turned her I-pod on and pressed play, the gentle tune and the haunting voice echoing to her in the morning light. The words inspired her.
She hummed along with the lyrics absentmindedly as she began to sketch the tree that stood in the corner, desolate and solitary. She would never reveal this side of herself to anyone else; including Brittany. This was something she did for herself. As the song began to draw to a close she heard the distinct sound of a door shutting.
It sounded like it came from Brittany's house.
She put the pad and pencil down, removing her ear phones and crept slowly across to the fence. She grasped the top of the fence and pulled herself up to catch a glimpse of Brittany sitting down on the lounger, with a glass of orange juice in hand.
There was no mistaking the faraway look in her eyes, as if remembering something that she wanted to forget.
I'll hold you down, kiss you so hard, I'll take your breath away, and after I, wipe away the tears just close your eyes dear...
The song echoed in Santana's mind.
Without a moments hesitation she pulled herself up and over the fence completely, startling Brittany.
"San? Why are you awake so early?"
Santana didn't respond she strode over determinedly. She was biting her lip and she looked almost predatory.
"What's wrong?" Brittany's voice was barely above a whisper.
Santana clamped her fingers down onto the arm rests, ensnaring Brittany. She leant forwards and kissed her hard. Brittany's breathing became sporadic.
It was as if Santana was stealing the oxygen directly from Brittany's lungs. Santana's lips felt like they were burning as if she were near an open flame, her eyes were clenched shut as if she were in pain. Santana was almost animalistic in her actions, baring her teeth and dragging them along Brittany's lower lip. Brittany clung to Santana in every conceivable way. Fumbling and searching for a safe place to hold her.
It was unexpected, but Brittany welcomed it whole heartedly, she had wanted to kiss her for so long. However, the thinly veiled hostility that she had been receiving from Santana at school since that first time made Brittany want to avoid her. She began trailing her fingers down Santana's throat with the intention of reaching and undoing the buttons of her jacket.
Just as quickly as it had begun it ended, Brittany felt the loss of contact and opened her eyes in time to see Santana pulling herself back over the fence.
"San wait!"
But Santana had already gone over to the other side, sliding down the rough wooden slats to the floor where she began to silently cry.
She wanted to try a second time, just to see if she felt something, and when she did – when she desired more than just kissing her – she couldn't handle it. She didn't want to feel this way, Brittany had been the one uncomplicated part of her life, everything had been so natural and easy with her and now it was going to change. She could feel it.
She heard soft footsteps approaching.
"San?"
She looked up to see just Brittany's eyes staring at her from over the divide. The tears streamed freely down her face, and using her sleeve she wiped their tracks away from her cheeks. Brittany disappeared.
"San over here." Brittany stage whispered.
She looked all around and then saw it. Brittany's pinky finger was extended through a gap in the fence, she crawled over and took the pinky in her own, and began to shake again.
"It's ok San, shhhh. Everything is going to be ok."
When Santana eventually stilled, she disengaged their fingers and put her mask back into place.
"We should get ready for school." With that she stood up and slipped inside, leaving Brittany confused and alone, her hand still stretched out grasping at air.
At school Santana ignored her; it was as if she didn't exist. Brittany sat in class, trying not to look at her but she couldn't help but sneak glances in her direction. But she sat there, her jaw clenched; her brow furrowed staring so intently at the board she looked as if she wanted to decimate it with her eyes.
At the end of the lesson Brittany waited outside for her.
When she saw her appear she took her opportunity.
"San can we talk? We really need to sort this out now or after school."
"Busy." Santana averted her gaze hating herself for what she was about to do.
"Ok so we'll talk after school." Brittany continued not noticing that Santana had stopped abruptly.
"I said I'm busy Britt."
Brittany spun on her heel to face her.
"Doing what?" She asked, but she wasn't sure she wanted to know the answer.
"I'm seeing Sam."
Brittany felt sick. She couldn't stop the next question from falling from her mouth.
"Are you going to have sex with him?"
Santana looked at her feet and that was all the answers that Brittany needed.
"It's time to lose my v card." Santana stated coldly, she turned away leaving Brittany alone in the hallway, she hadn't felt this far apart from Santana since they were 14. But now, it was as if she had never known her at all.
As the school bell rang for the final time that day Brittany was filled with dread. She walked out just in time to see Santana and Sam slipping into her car and drive away. Brittany stared after them forlornly, until Kurt's voice broke her reverie.
"Brittany, did you forget how to leave again."
To anyone else that statement could be perceived as mocking, but to Brittany if it had been another time it would have been reassuring. That had been Santana and Brittany's private joke, she said and did things deliberately to confuse those around her and they would take everything that she said at face value.
She loathed it now.
"No I didn't. Kurt can I ask you something?"
Kurt stood behind her awkwardly, not saying anything so she continued.
"Are you gay?" Kurt almost choked.
"Britt, everyone knows I'm gay. That's why I get picked on so much." He eyed her curiously as she continued to stare at where Santana's car had been.
"How did you know you were gay?"
Kurt looked all around them, deciding that there were still too many people around and that this wasn't really a discussion he wanted to have in the middle of the parking lot, so he proposed they have this discussion at his house.
Brittany nodded and walked with him to his car, whilst he started an empty discussion about the latest trends in men's fashion.
Santana was only half paying attention to Sam as she drove to his. Her heart was speeding up out of fear. She knew Sam was a virgin too, that's why she asked him. When he actually agreed she couldn't help but feel lost. As they neared his house it all became surreal. She parked outside and as they reached the door Sam hesitated. He fumbled around with the door key his hands shaking as he turned the lock.
They stood awkwardly in the foyer, looking everywhere and at anything but each other.
"So erm, do you want anything to drink?" He asked nervously, pushing his fringe to one side.
"Do you have any liquor?" She replied hoping the answer would be yes.
He walked away wordlessly and came back with a bottle of Jack Daniels and two cups. He looked at the stairs then back at Santana. She took the hint and ascended them, with Sam close behind.
They sat on his bed cross legged and unscrewed the bottle; the pungent smell of whiskey filled the air. They began knocking back the alcohol as if it was water and soon Santana began to feel the effects.
They looked at each other and leant in, kissing tentatively. Sam's hands were gentle as he kept them on her shoulders, rubbing the skin where he touched. Santana didn't know how to get beyond this stage. She was far from innocent. She had done things before, but this time it was different. This time she knew the aim was to have sex.
She smoothed her hands over his abs, beneath his jersey and t-shirt and slowly guided it up over his head and threw it on the floor. She noticed his eyes kept darting back to her Cheerios top, so she took it off. The alcohol really began to kick in and so did Santana's anger.
They went from slow and gentle undressing to Santana ripping every item of clothing off of herself and Sam. She decided to just get it over with.
She remembers his mouth, warm and wet on her skin sliding down her neck and over her breasts. She could recall the sound of the condom packet being torn open and the feel of his rough hands on her thighs as she pinned him down. She felt the sharp pain and then the discomfort as they began. It felt awkward and foreign to her, the softness of earlier had evaporated into a swirling haze of blurred frustration.
Most of all, the part that sat so poignantly in her memory were the tears that fell so freely. Sam watched her worriedly afterwards when her tears didn't stop.
"Santana are you ok?" She daren't look directly at him. She began gathering her things.
"I don't get why you're crying, you do this all the time don't you?"
Santana's blood ran cold and fury took over quickly.
"Listen trouty mouth, you dare say anything about this to anyone I will annihilate you understand? Just be grateful that someone as experienced as me decided to take your V."
She didn't know why she lied. But she did and from the fearful look on Sam's face he wouldn't be recounting this moment to anyone, or at least for a little while.
Brittany gazed out of the car window as the world flicked quickly on by. She wondered why Santana had decided now to have sex. She didn't have any claim on her, but she was still upset.
She remembered when Kurt dated her and asked what boys lips tasted like. He was trying so hard to be straight. Now, she was looking to him for some kind of reassurance, or help or anything that he could provide. She could tell just from her two kisses with Santana there was something there and right now she wasn't willing to label whatever 'this' was.
Before she knew it they were standing in his kitchen as he made chocolate milkshakes. She leant on the countertop, fiddling with her thumbs waiting to broach the same question to him again.
"So how did you know you were gay?"
Kurt looked up thoughtfully, trying to think of the exact moment when he knew he was gay.
"I knew for certain just after I kissed you." Brittany's face coloured slightly.
"You didn't turn me gay; you just confirmed what I already thought. I wanted to deny it, but I couldn't. I have always been attracted to boys, I thought they looked better, smelt nicer and in general they had more appeal to me than girls. After that night with you I began to accept who I really was, and stop pretending for the sake of those around me."
Brittany looked lost in thought again.
"Why do you ask Britt?"
She wasn't expecting him to ask that question, she thought quickly.
"I think Lord Tubbington might be gay." Kurt looked at her strangely and handed her the milkshake.
"Britt, if you ever want to talk I'm here ok?" She nodded and carried on drinking.
"Did you kiss anyone before me?" It was a question that Brittany had wanted to ask for awhile now, but never had the opportunity to do so. She thought now was as good a time as any.
"Nope, you were my first. My last heterosexual kiss though." He laughed slightly. Brittany smiled lightly then her thoughts drifted back to Santana and she wondered if she was ok.
It was at 10:45pm that Brittany finally heard Santana's car pull up outside. She approached her window that looked out onto the street. She saw her stumble out of the car, her hunched frame swaying as she walked up her own pathway and disappeared inside.
She debated whether or not she should go see her. But with a heavy heart and a sickened stomach she realised she couldn't face her. Not yet.