Mea Culpa
"My Fault"
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, I do however own this story, I'm just borrowing the characters.
A/N: Just wanted to say thank you to crazyfornaya and rawrrr93 for reviewing. Crazyfornaya I'm glad you're still reading the fic and liking it (yay!) and rawrrr93 I'm glad you're enjoying this too. The big reveal if going to run over these next two chapter so please forgive me! I am writing this as I go along :). If there was every going to be a chapter for people to review I would love it to be this one. So all the people out there, just drop me a line even if it's just a yes keep going or a dudette seriously what the hell are you on? Just anything! Thanks!
It was 7:50pm.
Ten more minutes until Brittany would be arriving. Ten more minutes for Santana to decide whether or not she would be opening up the door.
She looked around her living room, having added a couple of scenic photos here, a throw there - just so that it wouldn't look as desolate as when Puck visited. She wanted Brittany to think that she had moved on and made this place her new home.
She looked up, 7:52pm the clock read, and she could feel her pulse quicken. She decided a cigarette and some music would calm her nerves. Her trembling fingers reached out to turn the kitchen radio on. The apartment was flooded with sound of Rihanna's voice desperate and pleading – a warning laced hidden beneath the words.
Te amo, te amo she says to me, I hear the pain in her voice...
This song had been the only time herself and Britt had danced together.
She watched as Brittany's body flexed to the song, a cascade of spins turning into what appeared to be a tango and then back out again into a slower softer movement. Entranced Santana stepped forward, from out of the shadows and into the middle of the dance studio. Brittany jumped slightly, but settled quickly as Santana held her waist lightly her front pressed into Brittany's back. Their bodies were a blur of movement as they moved in time, rolling gently into each other. Santana began to take charge of the dance, moving their hips forcefully. She dipped lower and slid her hand reverently up Brittany's thigh, leaving a trail of heated skin longing for another touch. She twisted so they were back to back, her hand steady as she reached around for Brittany; she spun her out with ease recapturing her eyes with her own. Santana slid her leg out in between Brittany's forcing her into a succession of ganchos, becoming faster and faster with each movement until they stopped abruptly.
Santana leant in, the words slipped off of her tongue with ease as she whispered into her ear.
" Te amo" she rolled the words, the heat was unbearable as Santana laced their fingers together. She had Brittany pinned against the mirror at this point, as she uttered the words again. "Te amo" the words were barely a breath, but they rang loud and clear to Brittany. She leant in, their lips almost touching.
"Quiero a beso usted." Brittany didn't need to know Spanish in order to decipher what she was asking, the way her eyes kept focussing on her with such passion it made it clear what she wanted. She closed the minimal distance, surprising the blonde but accepting the kiss willingly.
Brittany had never felt anything like this, whilst instinct had taken over and their mouths moved slowly, delicately together. She felt the heat, the searing white hot burning from where Santana's lips brushed hers slowly, savouring each moment. She felt the cool air hit her mouth and she knew Santana had departed. She opened her eyes and she was already across the room.
"San?" Brittany questioned. She saw the Latina build up to what she was about to say.
"After everything that's happened, with Sam, Karofsky, Puck and" Santana hesitated, swallowing thickly. "And Finn, I just want to make things right. I want us to be right. But I need time. Is that something that you think you can give me?" She looked up from beneath her lashes at the blonde.
Brittany paused for a moment, trying to think quickly about what she wanted to say.
"It's about you San. You have to decide what's right for you. But if you're asking if I'll wait for you then the answer is yes. I will wait for you San. To me you're worth it." She strode a few paces up to the Latina and engulfed her in another soul crushing kiss. She pressed herself tightly into her, wanting to savour this fleeting moment for as long as possible.
"What the fuck?" the voice sounded out as the two girls flew apart, trying to reduce the redness of their cheeks.
"You two are gay now or something?" his voice was incredulous, and then a smirk appeared.
"You saw nothing Noah – understand me – nothing." Santana spoke the words through clenched teeth the animosity was palpable.
"I saw plenty. You know she's been screwing me Lopez." Santana snorted with derision until she saw the guilty look in Brittany's eyes.
"She clearly wants some of the good stuff and she's not going to be getting what she needs from a girl." It was Brittany's turn to talk back but it wasn't what Santana had expected.
"Puck, please keep quiet. For me. I know we've been, hanging out a lot –" Santana snorted. "But the only thing I ask is that you please don't tell anyone."
"Fuck this he's going to tell everyone. He doesn't know how to keep his mouth shut. If you don't I will end you. Understand?" Santana's eyes flared at him but he appeared unaffected. It was then that they knew it was over. When she looked back at Brittany it was with a look of betrayal. She couldn't believe that she had been screwing around with Puck.
It was 7:58pm when Brittany knocked on the door. She felt sick and tired, she'd been waiting ages for this moment, this opportunity to see her and explain to her why she made the choices that she had made. She smoothed her blonde hair down and then fidgeted with the keys in her hands. She waited a little while; the anticipation was causing her to take in short breaths. The text had come out of nowhere and when Brittany had texted back straight away to confirm she received no reply.
She heard soft footsteps from the other side of the door and then it was swung open revealing Santana. The same Santana who said she'd never be caught dead wearing a plaid shirt and jeans and yet here she was dressed exactly in the way she had protested against not too long ago.
"Hi" she said almost bashfully, Brittany wondered what had happened to the girl she once knew.
"Hey, can I come in?" Santana nodded and stepped to one side, letting her walk on by. The anticipation was palpable; she could feel it in her veins the way her blood pumped furiously as her heart rate increased. She was nervous but she was pretty certain Santana was as well.
Santana reached over for another cigarette and began lighting it.
"Those aren't good for you San. You should quit." Santana gave her a pointed glare.
"Noah told me that you came here to find me, talk to me and then leave. So the sooner we have this conversation the sooner you can go. Then I can pretend you don't exist." Brittany went back to fiddling with her keys. If she had looked up she would've seen the hurt written plainly across the other girls face.
"He really should learn to keep his mouth shut." Brittany mumbled. Santana snorted at this in derision.
"You're only just figuring that out Britt? He should've learnt to keep his mouth shut years ago." She took a deep drag.
"So tell me why you didn't leave with me that night Britt. Tell me everything you think I need to know."
"It started from before that San." Brittany said, her voice pleading. "A couple of weeks before. Before I start this I just want you to know that I always cared for you." Santana looked away out of the window. "It's true San. It has always been you. Remember how I had encouraged you to come out? But Puck told your parents before you could..."
"It's been a couple of months San since he caught us and he hasn't said anything to anyone. Just please give him a chance." Brittany was sitting on the edge of the bed watching Santana pace up and down.
"What? The sex between you is so good he's going to keep quiet about it?" Brittany flinched.
Santana stopped mid-stride. "He's up to something, I know he is Britt. You can't rely on him to keep a secret. A boner yes a secret no. But what is his next move going to be?"
Brittany hated it when she worried so much and right now she was on the verge of wearing a hole into the flooring.
"Why would it be such a problem anyway? So what if people know, who cares? The only people we have to worry about are our parents." Santana nodded in agreement, although she was pretty certain if Brittany's parents ever found out they would be worse than her own. Every time she went around Britt's place she noticed the dozen or so Jesus on crucifix's dotted around the house watching her as she held hands or kissed her best friend.
Britt's parents were strict Christians with a strong conviction for the bible and prayer. The fact that Britt's mom had caught her awhile back that night with Puck knowing that they had obviously done something beyond hold hands was enough for her to restrict Britt's hanging out time with Santana. Santana's own parents had become Christians although not as devout as Brittany's parents.
"The thing is Britt if everyone at school knows then it will spread to the adults. Adults who all talk to each other. Adults who speak to our parents." She gave Brittany a long look as she pouted. She crawled onto the bed beside her, entwining their fingers and looking down at them thoughtfully.
"How long do you think this will last Britt?"
"Forever." She replied quickly.
"How can you be so sure Britt? I mean what if they ever found out?" She worried the back of Brittany's hand with her thumb, making quick, tight circles.
"It doesn't matter San because you'll always be in here." She gestured to her chest, her heart beating fast. "And I'll always be in there." She pointed to Santana's chest. "They can do whatever they like, but they can't change that San. We don't always have to be together in order to be together. I trust you to always come back to me, just like I know I'll always come back to you."
The words brought comfort to the Latina as she settled her lips against Britt's neck.
"I trust you Britt. I always will." She continued placing gentle kisses up and down her collar bone, feeling the skin beneath her mouth. She felt smooth like glass pressed firmly against Santana's tongue. She placed her hand over Brittany's heart and felt how it began to pick up a pace. She dropped her head to stare at her hand resting snugly over her heart as if she would be able to protect it. She watched her hand glide down, shakily between her breasts and she could feel Brittany's breathing become laboured. One by one she opened her shirt buttons, there was nothing ravenous about the act, it was all done in adoration of the girl she touched, whose body she wanted to worship with her mouth, tongue and hands.
She lay her back gently, seeing a look of uncertainty pass across Brittany's face.
"What's wrong?" The Latina enquired, stilling her hand on her breast.
"Are you sure you want to do this San? Are you ready?" She breathed in deeply and looked the other girl squarely in her eyes.
"I'm ready." There was that feeling again as she pressed her lips to Brittany's, the feeling of touching an open flame. She lay down on top of Brittany feeling every line of her body pressed against her own. Her hand still rested over her heart as she continued to kiss her, slowly, assuredly. She began to fumble with her breast again, unsure of what to do. Fear began to prickle down her spine.
She pressed on, their legs tangling together silk against silk. Just touching her had elicited so many more emotions than Santana had ever gotten with a boy. Her hands glided up Brittany's thigh, caressing and appreciating this moment. She moved her hand even higher pushing to the edge of her underwear, massaging the skin with her fingertips. She hesitated for a split second and Brittany picked up on it.
"What's wrong San?" She seemed breathless already.
Santana blushed slightly and shook her head.
"San tell me?" She looked into her eyes.
"I don't know how to..." She raised her eyebrows emphasising the point.
Brittany twisted her fingers together with Santana's, guiding her hand up higher and higher until their hands were beneath her underwear.
"Let me show you" Brittany smiled lightly.
Santana kissed her hard as Brittany began rubbing their shared fingertips against herself a deep pink graced her cheeks. Santana kissed her lips once more, and then trailed her mouth back to her neck placing gentle kisses against her flesh. Brittany hesitated; trying to look into the other girls eyes, when she saw no fear there she pushed Santana's fingertips inside of herself. It felt weird to the Latina. Not in a bad way, but not what she expected.
Brittany began pushing the Latina's hand controlling her until she became confident with what she was doing. With every movement, every touch she could feel what she was doing to her best friend. To know someone so closely felt like heaven to Santana, she became sure of herself pushing harder inside, creating different movements to see what worked. She began increasing the pressure and speed, feeling the heat rising up. Eventually Brittany grabbed hold of her around her neck placing a kiss there as she came. Santana's heart was beating fast as she looked at Brittany closely, she was so in tune with her as she lay beneath her so open and honest, willing to be this person for her.
Santana wanted to say she loved her. She wanted to say it so badly, but something held her back and it hurt. She closed her eyes and kissed Brittany once more on the lips, feeling the light breaths that she was taking after reaching her peak.
She didn't know what to do or say, she used her free hand to push away a few strands of hair that stuck to Brittany's face. She closed her eyes and felt the pressure of the world settle on her chest. She couldn't be doing things like this if she was straight. She couldn't be enjoying moments like these with another girl if she was straight.
Santana felt it on the tip of her tongue. These were the words she wanted to say instead of I love you.
"I'm not straight." Brittany's eyes flew open and locked with the Latina's.
"What did you say?" Her eyes never leaving Santana's.
"I'm not straight" she said with more conviction. "I'm not gay either but, I can't be straight. Not if I'm – not if I'm here with you, like this." Brittany leaned up and kissed her.
She pulled away quickly. "I've got to go." She said getting up quickly disentangling herself from Brittany.
"San wait!" but it was too late, she was already running downstairs, realising it was her own house she sat in the kitchen staring into the darkness. She could feel the eyes of her own family's crucifix glaring at her, judging her from the shadows.
The next day at school wasn't so bad, except for the looks and whispers, by now every guy on the football team had claimed to have spent a night with the Latina, of course Puck would give her that knowing look and it unnerved her.
Brittany tried to talk to her, even silly little things about when was she going to try out for Glee club. After all, Brittany had upheld her end of the bargain and joined the Cheerios – and the celibacy club upon her parent's request, especially after knowing what her best friend had been up to, the made Brittany guilty by association.
"So –" the sly voice of Noah rang out from behind her, she daren't even turn around to see a smug look on his face. "I know you're all Degeneres on us all now, but do you want to hook up for some Puck lovin' tonight? I'll bring wine coolers." He leant up against the lockers, his confidence radiating from him.
She had had enough.
"Fuck off Puck. The day that I fuck you again is the day I have truly lost my mind. You have pencil dick syndrome." The other students in the hallway stopped and stared.
"Whoa homo. You wouldn't know what good sex is like with a real man because you'd prefer it to come from a girl" he screamed back. That was it. It was over, she didn't even need to see in order to know that everyone had heard and were by now probably texting everyone at school. She slammed the locker door shut.
"You don't know anything about me." She shouted back.
"No nothing, nothing at all. Just that you like to dine out on Brittany." There it was, that moment when you know everything would come crashing down.
She ran through the halls and out to her car, curling up in the seat and wanting to die.
Later that night she heard shouting. Her parents were arguing back and forth about who was to blame for their daughter being gay. One of the other parents from their tight knit Christian circle had told them, bringing shame and embarrassment to her parents.
It hurt, just everything hurt. They didn't skimp on details either, her parents knew it was with Brittany that she had been sharing this experience with. Her parents had walked right on over and had a screaming match with the Pierce's each blaming the other on how they raised their daughters and who led who astray down the path of sin.
Santana cried harder when her phone was taken from her and told firmly that she would never see Brittany again. That as soon as they could she would be moving to another school. She didn't even know how Brittany was and that was the part that was scaring her most.
At midnight she crept down the stairs, moving silently through the shadows and hoping that Brittany would still be awake. She left the front door ajar as she went outside onto the lawn sticking to the parts cast in darkness. She heard movement nearby.
"Hello?" she whispered, wondering if it was the right thing to do.
"San?" came the reply.
"Britt?" She drew closer and could make out the outline of the blonde. She moved quickly to her side touching her face, her hands just any part she could reach.
"San are you ok?" she asked quietly. They knew they'd be done for if they were caught.
"No my parents flipped are you?" Brittany reached for her phone casting a slight blue glow upwards so they could see each other.
"What do you think?" She retorted and Santana saw it. The dark bruise that lined her cheek.
"What happened?" Santana ghosted her fingers over the bruise, feeling the rage rise up.
"My mom freaked and hit me, saying that the devil had won my soul. But she said I could be saved San. I don't know what she meant, but it freaked me out. The way she said, she seemed so calm and sure." Santana saw her slight pout, but she was too angry at Mrs Pierce to care right now.
"What do you think she was talking about San?" But for once the Latina was clueless.
"I don't know Britt. I really don't know." She leant in feeling her lips lightly press to Brittany's. She was far from content. She was angry and frustrated. She started to cry, her tears mingling with Brittany's.
"I'm sorry Britt. I'm so sorry for doing this to you." They embraced tightly in the shadows, wondering what would await them when the sun rose again.
"It's all my fault" She whispered.