Mea Culpa : "Ab Imo Pectore"
"From the bottom of my heart"
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, I do however own this story, I'm just borrowing the characters.
A/N: Ok so I read my A/N from the last chapter and there were so many mistakes in it that I seemed drunk. Sadly I wasn't drunk just tired from my job, looking after 30 teenagers just doesn't leave time for sleep anymore. Their complete insanity also explains my lack of updates during a week. So I'm aiming for once a week every Sunday. Thanks again to crazyfornaya and rawrrr93 for your kind words and thank you to those of you who are reading this ff. Also, this is relatively short in comparison to the last two chapters. But the next one will make up for it!
The days continued on much in the same way. Distance during daylight hours and then rendezvous by night.
Gradually as time went on Santana's parents began leaving her alone in the house again, the only issue was that they would contact Brittany's parents to make them aware whenever they would be gone. Which would usually result in random Pierce weekends away or Brittany having to visit various relatives who she hadn't even met before.
It grew harder and harder to see each other, and even though the love was there Santana could feel her slipping away.
However, tonight was different.
Santana always became excited for night to fall, the sky was a deep rich blue, with stars, the little white dots flashing in and out of sight. The clouds were dark and ominous lingering and at times partially obscuring the moon.
As the hands on the clock struck midnight she crept slowly down the hall, then the stairs missing the 3rd and 5th step as they creaked. She grabbed her keys from the hook and softly clicked the front door closed. She pulled her jacket tighter around herself as she slid out of the light into the dark, searching for Brittany.
Moments after she felt warm fingers grip her waist and she immediately relaxed into Brittany's touch.
"I miss you at school." Brittany nodded into her neck then placed a small, chaste kiss there.
"So what are we doing tonight? I don't want to stay out here on the lawn all night." This all was agony to Brittany, during the day she could see Santana but not touch, then by night she could touch but not see.
"Take my car, go for a drive, pull over and...talk." Brittany couldn't help but smile at this and started dragging Santana over to her car.
"Hurry up San, we haven't got much time."
"Brittany, I know all of this did you forget I was actually there? Why don't you cut to the chase and tell me what you wanted to tell?" Santana looked down at her nails as if checking a manicure and a scowl was fixed into place on her face.
"Do you remember what happened that night – what you said?" Brittany's voice was desperate and pleading. She tried to make eye contact with the other girl but she couldn't. She saw Santana shrug her shoulders slightly.
"You told me I was damaged."
"What's that Britt?" Santana gestured to the small, pink mark just above Brittany's breast.
"Doesn't matter, just keep kissing me San." Brittany closed her eyes again, tightening her arms around the Latina who was straddling her lap in the backseat of the car.
"It does matter – what is it?"
"Just a bite" Brittany replied nonchalantly. When there was no movement from the other girl she pried open one eye and saw Santana glaring back. She suddenly felt ill at ease.
"Just a bite" the Latina echoed. "Who from?" Her gaze was penetrating, it was as if she knew the answer already.
"Puck"
Santana's eyes began to tear up as she touched the mark, but she pulled her fingers away quickly as if it had burnt her.
"Who else Brittany?" Her voice was barely a whisper.
"Marissa and Karofsky." She wished she had lied now, from the devastated look on Santana's face she wished she had said spiders bite or something.
Santana moved off of her lap, and for once Brittany didn't try to stop her. Her blood ran cold as she watched her open her mouth then close it clearly trying to find the right words to defend her actions.
"Save it Britt, loving you is the reason I was brought into this world and you have destroyed that. You continue to fuck whoever comes by – why? Do you want to just hurt me? Is that it? You're so damaged, in every sense of the word. How could you do it?"
Tears were streaming from her eyes, the tension palpable. Brittany knew that she was the cause of this pain, but Santana was so blind to all the pain that Brittany was going through. She wanted to be sure of her sexuality; she wanted to know for certain.
Brittany reached out tentatively to touch Santana's shoulder, but her hand came up quickly and swiped it away. Wordlessly she climbed into the front seat and started up the engine. She didn't even look into the rearview mirror, if she had she would've seen Brittany curled tightly into a ball, much like the first time just before they had kissed.
Santana wasn't sure what she wanted, whether she wanted to head home or stay out and talk it through. Her natural instincts were to go home, leave Brittany alone and not to talk to her for months. But what she wanted was to break that cycle. She swung the car off onto a dirt trail and carried on until she reached a clearing.
She turned around in her seat and poked the blonde to get her attention.
"Britt?"
"Britt?" She was snapped out of her thoughts, the Latina now standing directly in front of her.
"You started telling me the reason why and then you zoned out on me?"
"Do you know why I slept with Marissa and then Karofsky?" Santana turned away, she didn't want to relive that part at all. She shook her head no.
"I did it so I could figure out who I was. I managed to figure out that I like guys..." Santana's head snapped back up and something akin to anger was showing there.
"But you are my exception. Nobody could come close to you San but at that point you have got to understand that I was trying to find myself too. I know I made it seem like that but it wasn't. I cried myself to sleep practically every night because I didn't know what to do. "
She began fiddling with her necklace out of nervousness. Santana stared a little harder, noticing the pendant was a crucifix being rubbed intensely by the thumb and forefinger of the blonde.
"San, I'm so..."
"San I'm so sorry. I want to be with you but I just don't know how. If you can tell me a way to do it then I will San. I so will, I'm yours."
In this darkness Brittany's blue eyes still radiated light and innocence. Santana wasn't sure how, she just knew that she did. They both vacated the car and explored their surroundings. Tall trees stood scattered about the place, some towering so high that their tips looked to be touching the moon. But most importantly was the view outwards, the lights of the town were faint and calming to watch.
"How long for?" Santana stared her down. "How long will you be mine for Brittany? 5 years? 5 days? 5 minutes? Don't make promises that you can't keep that's just not fair."
"How do you know San? I mean what I said. I mean it from the bottom of my heart." She folded her arms and turned to take in the view. Santana looked at her and she could feel her heart breaking.
"None of this was a good idea Britt. I regret hurting you, and I regret this whole situation. You put this in me." She gestured between them.
"I waited for you San. Every night I would wait but you would barely show up. All of that time you ran physically and emotionally – but where did it get you? Look where you ended up – in Philly where we said that we would go together."
Santana flared. "How dare you think that you can turn up here and then tell me who I am and what I do. Who the fuck do you think you are? I used to wait for you but you would never show. Too busy fucking around?" She couldn't understand how she could love and yet hate someone so much. She couldn't hold back her rage.
"I wasn't fucking around! You didn't even watch me dance after that San. I lost you in every conceivable way, how can you blame me for that. Trust me I know you better than yourself. Just let me finish explaining and then you can judge me back ok?"
Santana acquiesced. Looking up at the clock it was already midnight and she couldn't help but to note the irony.
"So tell me about the dance Britt..."