Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, I do however own this story, I'm just borrowing the characters.
A/N: Yay! 6 reviews for the last chapter – keep them coming as you've all spoilt me now. Just would like to give a big thank you to yourcrackerjackx, rawrrr93, straightupbitch, crazyfornaya, gotlovetokill and Bottle It Up25 for reviewing. As for straightupbitch and gotlovetokill that's fine about reviewing – just glad that you have! Riteo, this chapter is the reveal. Listened to "The Weakness In Me" by Joan Armatrading on repeat whilst writing this chapter. Very heartfelt song I love it.
Please review! P.s. whoever added my ff to the Brittana community thank you so much! I only noticed the other day :)
Mea Culpa : Virtutem in temporibus infirmitatis inveni
"Find strength in your moments of weakness"
Brittany was left alone in the choir room, feeling the sting of another rejection. The difference between them wasn't a simple matter of sexuality but more the aspect of acceptance. Brittany accepted that they were both in the wrong, whereas Santana was more concerned with placing blame.
So when Santana expected Brittany to take all the blame and do all the grovelling, she couldn't help but become defensive and fight for herself. She wasn't going to be walked all over anymore. The times when she used to make out with Santana and then be easily dismissed by a wave of her hand, or wake up to find that she wasn't there and even that rule that Santana had had about not speaking at school – it was all so petty and yet she had accepted it for so long.
But she had feelings too, but Santana seemed to think she was the only one hurting.
15 minutes later, Marissa came in, hands clasped tightly around the tops of the Latina's shoulders and the keys to the choir room dangling out of her pocket. Brittany couldn't help but think it odd, but was too distracted by the rhythmic jingling emanating from metal hitting metal.
Marissa pushed Santana in, gave a little wave to Brittany then closed the door quickly hearing the distinct sound of the key sliding into the door, twisting and effectively locking them within the room.
"Let me out now you bitch!" Santana screamed pounding her fists on the door as if she had forgotten that Brittany was even there.
"You two need to talk" came the muffled reply from Marissa. "If that means locking you in so be it. You're so stubborn Santana, pull your head out of your arse and see, listen and take in everything that she says to you. You too Brittany."
Santana turned slowly remembering all of a sudden that she was still in the room. She mumbled something under her breath and walked slowly towards her, not meeting the inquisitive gaze that Brittany was bestowing.
"Let's get this over with so we can leave." She folded her arms expectantly and Brittany mimicked the action. She would never surrender again.
"I'm waiting Britt." She stared her down.
"Waiting for what exactly?" She replied nonchalantly, meeting her gaze with a fire that Santana had never seen before.
"Apologise, then we can make out and then we can get back to everything as usual." She began inspecting her nails, a sign that Brittany recognised as being dismissive and demanding, as if the person about to speak isn't worthy of her full attention.
"I'm not apologising."
She looked up again to see Brittany's teeth clenched. For a moment, Santana recognised elements of herself in her. Santana always got to see the real her, the intelligent, insightful and strong side. In return Santana gave her glimpses of her vulnerable, sensitive and weak side. In every conceivable way they worked regardless of being polar opposites.
But right now they weren't working, and Brittany could see Santana struggling with the reasons why.
"What?"
"I said I'm not apologising San. I've done wrong but so have you." She stood in front of the Latina dominant and so self assured.
"Listen, you were the one who cheated. You lied to me that's a big deal compared to the things that I have done."
"In order for me to have cheated we would've had to have been a couple then right? Except we weren't, I didn't lie because – news flash San- you never ask me a question. How you feel right now is how I felt every time you would leave me or dismiss me. You used me San, you would get what you wanted and then you would be too busy self loathing to actually realise there is someone else involved in all this too. I hurt too, I'm confused too. Why is it so hard for you to believe that I can feel the same things as you?" Brittany couldn't stop the outpouring of emotion becoming too much.
"BECAUSE ONE OF US HAS TO BE STRONG!" Santana screamed, her anger bursting through as she slammed her fist against the wall.
Brittany was surprised to say the least. She had never thought that she was the strong one, the constant need that Santana expressed to protect her made Brittany think that Santana thought her weak.
"And Britt, I'm not strong. I... I can't do this without you. I need you to show me the way."
Brittany paused for a moment, rolling the words around in her mind.
"Why can't we discover the way together? I can't be the sole purpose of this entire relationship San. We've got to go through this as a partnership. I love you, but we can't carry on like this."
She registered the words she had just spoken, as apparently Santana had because her mouth had opened slightly, her eyes wide. She wished she hadn't said those words right now; she wanted the time when she said it to be romantic – and she hadn't been sure if she was going to say them at all.
She wishes she could pluck the words from the air, because right now they were hanging heavy in the room, weighted down by the silence and magnifying every breath in the room.
"Listen San, I want you, but we are going around in circles. Please, just sit and think about this San. For me. Do it for me." She looked at Santana hopefully, when she saw her brow furrow and her lips purse slightly she knew that she was thinking about it.
"For you." That was all the confirmation that she needed. Brittany smiled at her, hoping that she appeared to be reassuring.
Brittany stood up and walked over to the door pushing it open with ease.
"How did you do that? Marissa locked us in!"
Brittany's eyes sparkled with mischief for the first time since this whole mess started.
"I heard her unlock it whilst we were talking. She was just making sure you weren't going to run away." Santana looked at her in awe.
"You really are the smartest girl I know." Her cheeks reddened as she said them, but Brittany appreciated it.
Santana looked like she wanted to hug her, her fingers twitched as if they were itching to find Brittany and commit every inch of her skin to her memory. She knew that they wouldn't see each other for awhile, but it filled Santana with a dull ache and yet, hope.
"See you around Britt." With that she disappeared.
Brittany's phone vibrated in her pocket, as she stared at the screen she remembered the proposition she had sent Puck earlier.
"Meet you by your locker. P. X"
Brittany wouldn't cancel. After all her and Santana weren't going out, and she still needed to focus on herself. Just like Santana would be doing.
"So you fucked Puck again – is that what you're trying to tell me?" Santana's sharp voice brought Brittany out of her reverie.
"I did and I'm sorry. I thought it was right at the time. I guess we both had sex with him for two very different reasons. You wanted to protect me from him. I wanted to protect myself from you." Santana raised an eyebrow at this, fully understanding what she meant. It was like a repetitive kick to her stomach, revelations hurt so much more than ignorance.
"San what are you doing here?" She whispered out of her window staring down into the darkness but making out the silhouette of the Latina. The silver glow of the moon made her look like some celestial being, the rich darkness of her hair falling in careful waves, crafted by her hours before this midnight meeting. Brittany felt the sting of holding back her tears, all she wanted was to let them fall freely.
"I need to talk to you!" She stage whispered, looking all around her quickly to make sure that neither one of their parents had woken up. Satisfied that they hadn't she stared back up, then eyed the side of the house trying to figure out a safe way up.
Brittany slid out of view, stepping softly as she went not wanting anyone to stir in the house. She unlocked the front door and walked back up, reappearing at her window.
"Door is open. Tread quietly." For added emphasis she held her index finger poised in front of her pursed lips.
She heard her, slow soft feet pressing into the carpet as she made her way too Brittany. To her home.
"I know it's only been ten days since we had spoken, but I've been thinking a lot. I'm here to support you Britt. I want to be the one you come to for help, I want to be there for you. Once before you said you would wait for me and now I say the same for you – I will wait for you until you are ready."
Tears began filling Brittany's eyes as her hands reached out, grasping and fisting her hands into the Latina's top. Santana wrapped her arms protectively around her, drawing her in until she could feel every breath that she took. They blended together, imperfect opposites seeking something in the other.
Santana began crying but she wasn't sure why, Brittany was so close, it hurt. Her lips were almost touching the Latina's, she wanted her so badly. She could feel gentle breaths falling upon her lips, caressing her like velvet and making her want Brittany all the more. She tightened her grip on the blonde wanting more contact and getting it wherever she could.
The Latina closed her eyes in anticipation, feeling the warm breaths give way to moist, pliable lips on her own. She felt the blonde's grip tighten on her clothing even more, and she knew she would never be able to wear these clothes again. She felt Brittany's other hand slide up and around, tracing light patterns on her back eliciting a multitude of sensations to course through her body. Their tears began to dry, a few stray drops mingling together as their mouths continued to press together.
Santana pushed Brittany's top up slightly and began dragging a smooth fingernail up and down her spine. She could feel the heat of the moment, building and building.
They pulled apart a moment. "I want you Brittany. I want you in any way that you are willing to give to me."
Brittany reached for her hand, twisting their digits together. She led her to her bed and sat on the edge, bringing the Latina's palm up to her mouth she pressed her lips tenderly against her skin. Santana could feel it, it was like an itch from the inside sitting low in her chest and spreading throughout her body. It made her squirm.
Santana moved to straddle Brittany, teetering precariously on the edge of the bed along with the blonde. Brittany shifted the both of them back and continued to fondle and stroke any exposed skin. Santana could feel the pressure swelling inside, it was sweet but unbearable all at once.
They continued to touch, and share feather light kisses and caresses, as their lips began to move with urgency, sliding and slipping against one another. Brittany's breath was laboured, feeling the measured rhythmic rocking of the Latina's hips against her own.
She wanted to take this as far as it could go, because she knew that this may be the last time that they could be close like this.
Brittany's fingers grazed down from the Latina's lower back down her front and then rested on her jeans. Santana's kisses didn't even falter as Brittany undid the button and then unzipped the jeans.
She pushed her hand into the front of her jeans as far as they could go, once her fingers were close enough Santana began rocking unashamedly against her. She could feel how moist she was, the Latina's underwear damp from being turned on. Brittany would be lying if she said she wasn't the same.
Santana's breathing became heavier as she increased her rocking wanting to relieve the itch ever since Brittany had looked at her. She stopped though and Brittany opened her eyes looking up into deep brown ones, a confusion written plainly across her face.
Santana removed her hand and pushed against her shoulder slightly, getting her to lie down.
"Together Britt."
She began stripping off the blonde's trousers; with each inch revealed she pressed a kiss reverently to the exposed flesh. She threw them away into the dark and began kissing her way back up. They undressed each other, their hands fumbling in the blackest of nights against each other, smoothing over their broken promises and indifference during daylight hours within the safety of Brittany's bed sheets. Touches ran over breasts and eyes and mouths, eventually running down to feel each other intimately.
They had stopped kissing, instead lying on their sides staring deeply into one another's eyes as they began rocking, completely naked into each other's palms. The tension was building, coiling in the pits of their stomach's waiting in anticipation for the ultimate release.
"What the fuck is going on? Get out!" The familiar voice of Mrs Pierce emanated from the doorway; a sliver of golden light cast itself against the two girls caught in the ultimate sinful act.
"I warned you Brittany. That girl is leading you to the devil!" She screeched her voice getting higher and higher as Santana tried locating her clothes and Brittany's as well." She could feel Brittany wince from beside her as she pulled her top back on.
"Let's go Britt. We don't need to stay here." She huffed, holding her hand out to Brittany as she pulled her trousers back on.
The next thing she felt was the blistering hardness and speed of the back of Mrs Pierce's hand across her cheek. It felt like fire and she could've sworn the felt the hatred ooze out of the contact. Santana had a moment of shock before she composed herself and went to strike Brittany's mother. The adrenaline was pumping ferociously around her body, preparing herself for a full on fight, but strong arms pushed her back and she could see the tears escaping from Brittany's eyes.
"San don't, stop it please, San stop!"
Right now, Brittany was the only thing between a full on fight breaking out between her mother and her lover. Santana's hand flew out, leaving scratch marks down the forearms of Mrs Pierce.
"San leave quickly. Hurry." Santana hesitated a moment, looking between Brittany and her mother. She stopped struggling and ran, knowing that soon enough they would get past this.
She heard the screaming engulf the house as she ran out of the door, she paused wanting to run back, but considering it was Brittany screaming obscenities it seemed she didn't need her help. As she pushed through her own front door she found her own mother standing there staring at her wide eyed and disapproving.
It was almost as if she knew what had happened.
"And then after that night you completely blanked me Britt. I didn't see or hear from you."
Brittany hung her head, taking in a deep lungful of air.
"I had a good reason." She whispered.
"You broke me Britt. I laid everything on the line for you. I turn up, throwing things at your window until you open it, beg you to come with me to Philly so we can start a new life away from all the shit at school and at home and you say no. You say you can't – then worst of all you tell me you don't love me. So what was this good reason? Why couldn't you come with me?"
"My mom signed me up for reparative therapy. I'd already started it by the time you came to my window. I was messed up in my mind. As part of it, I had to stop motocross and dance instead I had to do cookery. I had to avoid men unless it was for romantic contact and only spend time with heterosexual women so I could mimic them. I had to attend church and increase my flirtations with men. But no sex. Definitely no sex, which was something else that was included in my therapy."
Santana's jaw dropped. She could feel the anger subside slightly, but then it rose up even higher when she realised that she had entered into it willingly.
"So you were trying to reject being bi? After all that crap you gave me about being true to myself and there you went trying to change yourself. What am I supposed to do now? Forgive you?"
Santana's fists were clenched by her sides. She feared that she would throw something, so she reached back for her cigarettes.
"So are you trying to tell me your straight now?" She said candidly as she lit up.
"I'm not straight, I'm bi-sexual San. No amount of therapy could change that. Or who I love." She looked up from beneath her lashes.
"So why did you say yes to therapy? Was it just to spite me?"
"San, no of course no-"
"-because it sure as hell seems like it" Santana retorted.
"San please, just let me finish I-"
"-you what? You decided to wake up one day and ruin everything that we worked so hard to build up." The blonde began to get flustered.
"You know it's not like that. I loved you, I still do. But there were things. Things that decided for me to try and be 100% straight. But I... I...-"
"Things being your mom? Face it, when it came to me or your family you chose them. Even though they treated you like shit!" Santana's eyes were wide, her nostrils flaring slightly.
"I was pregnant ok!" Brittany buried her face in her hands.
"What?"
"I said I'm pregnant mom. Puck is the father."
Mrs Pierce stood there, horrified. Not only was her daughter bi-sexual, but she had engaged in pre-marital sex and gotten pregnant.
"You're not my daughter." She said, backing away. "You're not my daughter." She repeated.
"Mom please-" the tears flowed freely, unabashedly. "I'll do anything mom. Anything you tell me to do and I'll do it."
"We'll take you to therapy. This homosexuality is a disease of the mind. You'll be fine, and then you'll be my daughter again."
Brittany nodded silently, as her mother left, she was all alone in the stillness of her room.
She looked out of the window at the coming dawn. In her mind she whispered a farewell to Santana, hoping that in some small way, she happened to know. She wanted her to know everything.