Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, I do however own this story, I'm just borrowing the characters.
A/N: Thank you to Lanter, rawrrr93, crazyfornaya, gotlovetokill and Bottle It Up25 for reviewing you guys are awesome. As always please leave a review it tells me if I'm doing something right or something wrong!
Mea Culpa: Amor meus amplior quam verba est.
"My Love Is More Than Words."
Brittany eyed her father surreptitiously at breakfast, knowing that her mom had told him every single detail. The little eye contact that they had shared before had dwindled down to nothing, his face hidden by a newspaper. She barely saw her sister as her parents made a conscious effort to keep them apart. They were acting as if homosexual tendencies could be caught, like a common cold or a fever.
She dragged her spoon through the milk, her cheek resting on the knuckles of her hand sighing loudly. Her father cleared his throat, her mother continued to scrub the pans in the sink. She remembered the times they would sit down together, and talk animatedly about their lives. Her father would ask questions about school, whilst her mom would sit there and watch her proudly as she would talk about all the lessons she had. She would talk about all the lessons she had with Santana.
She wondered why she hadn't seen it before, their hatred for anything different, or contradictory to the Bible.
She didn't want to be different anymore, or rejected by everyone she loved. So she vowed to herself right then and there that she would do anything to make her parents proud of her again.
"Mom..." Her hands stopped scrubbing furiously and instead hunched her shoulders over, sliding her palms out of the water and along the counter top as if to support herself.
"Dad?" He cleared his throat again, the paper tilting slightly so she could barely see his eyes.
"I just want you to know I will be straight. I will make you proud of me again." Her father rested the paper on the table top, just as her mom wheeled around to face them both.
"You are straight Brittany, the only way you can make us proud is if you bring that baby up as a good Christian." Brittany faltered.
"But Puck is Jewish?" It came out as more of a question but Brittany wasn't sure why. Her mom threw her hands up into the air exasperated.
"Of course he is." She replied in a biting tone.
Brittany went back to stirring her uneaten cereal, watching as the Lucky Charms turned the milk into an array of swirling colours.
"What kind of a name is Puck?" Her father replied, his tone dismissive. It was the first time that he had actually spoken words to her for awhile.
"What is his real name?" He continued to press further.
Brittany wasn't sure if she wanted to share that particular piece of information, but figured why not? How much worse could it get.
"His full name is Noah Puckerman. He's in my class at school, and well – he doesn't know about any of this yet." She gestured to her stomach just for added emphasis.
"Well after school today me and you are going to take a little trip to see Noah's parents and see what they have to say about it all. He had taken advantage of you and now he has got to own up to it." The conversation was cut off then as he raised the barrier once more, the paper effectively stopping any further debate or discussion on the matter. Her father's word was final.
Brittany wasn't sure if she could cope with all of this. She could feel her stress levels rising. Between her parents finding out she was bi-sexual and pregnant and Santana not knowing the latter, telling Puck that she was expecting their baby rated very low on her priority list.
"I'm sorry" she whispered, but neither one of her parents responded, to them she was invisible. She picked up her bowl and walked over to the sink, when she neared her, her mom moved slightly away it cut so deeply knowing that she managed to physically repel her own family.
She wasn't angry at them – how could she be really? Santana had been telling her all along how wrong it was to be gay and now her parents were doing the same thing. Brittany tried to win the fight with Santana, she tried so hard to be ok so that Santana could find peace being herself and being comfortable in her own skin; but there is only so much you can do when you're not really sure who you are and trying to be ok with it all too.
Brittany darted out of the house quickly wanting to escape the quiet whilst she could. Today would be the last day she was at school, her parents were taking her out completely so that she could be home schooled. Her pregnancy was too a shameful a secret to leave her out in the open, so she resigned herself to the fact that she would be confined within four walls and that she wouldn't see Santana or her friends for a while.
When she thought of Santana and what they could've been she felt an ache, a desperate longing for someone she couldn't have. She had already vowed to her parents that she would be straight and that's exactly what she was going to do.
She walked into school and saw her straight away, leaning up against her locker waiting. Brittany knew that she had been waiting for her.
"Britt" Santana sighed her name. When she saw that Brittany wasn't stopping, she furrowed her brows.
"Britt?" she repeated a little assertively. Brittany looked up and shook her head, dropping her eyes to the floor as she continued to walk past without a single word.
She didn't know what to say, she didn't know how to explain everything without hurting Santana further. She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't notice Kurt stepping out from the side to lay a gentle hand on her shoulder.
"Britt? What's going on?" His said his voice laden with concern.
When she saw the sincerity in his eyes, she began to cry, heavy, heart breaking sobs causing him to wrap his arms tightly around her. He caught Santana staring from over Brittany's shoulder. When she made a move to walk towards them he shook his head softly. Her footsteps faltered, reluctantly she stayed where she stood, but he could see the fear and confusion.
"Shh" he chanted, tightening his hold around her. "Shh, everything is going to be ok. Everything is going to be fine." He cradled her, as her chest convulsed, trying to get more oxygen but unable to.
"Come with me Britt ok? We'll go to the choir room you can tell me about it there." He let go and began rubbing her back tenderly as they walked slowly away from the corridor. He looked back and glared at the Latina – it was a warning.
Santana felt like kicking everything and anything, she wanted desperately to talk to her but it was as if Brittany had shut down completely. It was as if she didn't know who she was anymore.
"Who are you? I don't even know who you are anymore Britt." She shook her head slowly from side to side.
"I-"
"-so let me guess, you have come here to tell me that you and Puck are now married with little Puck jr.? You want me to be a godmother or something is that it?" Santana enunciated each syllable, she felt dangerous and on edge. Right now she felt like she was capable of anything.
"Damn it Santana, if you just let me get my words out I'll tell you everything! There is no marriage, there is no Puck jr. Or any baby for that matter. Shortly after you left, I had a miscarriage. Puck was there for me through one of the hardest times in my life when no-one else was, not even you."
Brittany knew what she wanted. She knew on some level all along, but she wasn't happy to carry on living a lie for the sake of other people. She was going to start living for herself.
"He still slept around, he wasn't a saint, but he understood and he was there which counted for a lot."
Santana couldn't help but take offence to everything that Brittany was saying. After all, Brittany was the one who had driven her away with her harsh words and now she's telling her that she should've stayed and been there for her like Puck.
"So what you're trying to tell me is this is my fault because I left and wasn't there for you?" Is that what you are trying to say?"
"That's not what I'm saying San. I'm telling you what happened, and that's just the way it played out. But if I was picking the person who I wished would've been there, then yes it would have been you."
Santana felt like she was hurting all over, physically and emotionally. She looked up at the clock, they had surpassed midnight and the early morning, and Santana was starting to feel exhausted.
"Brittany, I'm going to go to bed." Brittany felt a flutter of hope in her chest – it was unrealistic of her to believe that she would be asked to stay but still she wanted to so badly.
"Come by later at 8, we'll finish talking." The detachment in her voice unnerved Brittany, and the realisation that she wouldn't get the chance to say crushed that hope that she held.
She nodded and looked at her once more.
"Promise?"
The way she said it made her seem so innocent, Santana knew that she was far from it, but even so, she couldn't stop the slight smile forming on her lips.
"I promise" she said as she walked into her bedroom, closing the door softly behind her.
Brittany sighed as she got up and left. On the way back to her 'home' she couldn't help but kick up mounds of snow, the frustration slowly ebbing out to full blown anger. She wishes she could rewind time, so that she could speak to her younger self and tell her exactly what she should do.
She hadn't realised how emotionally drained she was until Santana dismissed her. Still feeling angry, as soon as she opened her own front door she located Puck and started shouting at him.
"You ruined my life!"
"Britt we've been through this already. I said I'm sorry but you've got to take some of the blame too." He seemed unaffected by her rage, pouring out a glass of coke and wandering through to their living room – Brittany following closely behind.
"Why couldn't you have said no? Why didn't you do a decent thing for me when we were younger? Why did it take a pregnancy and a miscarriage to get you to actually take into account my feelings?"
Puck winced, he knew he had made so many mistakes when he was younger, mistakes that he would undo, starting with how he treated Santana and ending in not having sex with Brittany.
"Listen B, I can't take it all back. I would if I could but I can't, just like you can't undo all the hurt that you caused Santana. I always loved you as a friend and I loved Santana as something more than that. I won't deny it I was a fuck up when I was younger. But you can't place all the blame on me. I know you're doing it because it's easier than blaming yourself... or Santana. Tell me that we haven't begun to work out all of our issues though? If you can say that honestly then you can continue to rant."
He took a sip of his coke as silence descended, making it awkward and tense.
"We have" she said dejectedly. "I just, I can't cope. She's so close physically, but emotionally she is so far away, and I'm not sure if I can get her back. All this time I have held onto the hope that maybe she could be mine, it's been easier that way. But now not knowing if she will be mine, I don't know what I would do. I just don't know Noah."
"Well-" he said, pausing dramatically. "If you two don't get together I think I might try my luck." His smile got stuck halfway when he saw the look of disgust on Brittany's face.
"Or maybe not. Sorry Britt, inappropriate I know." She stalked out of the room, slamming doors as she went, Puck flinched with every loud bang.
He rubbed his face with his hands, he was wondering if stress was contagious, if it's possible to have sympathy stress. The way he was feeling right then his answer was yes – it is entirely possible.
Brittany was curled up into a ball on her bed, thinking about the day when she found out she had miscarried. She remembered the words her mother spoke, saying that it was a sign of God, punishing her for the way she was. She remembered the pain, the loss, the sorrow that overwhelmed her as everything was a hazy blur of activity. She remembered crying a lot, she hadn't planned on becoming pregnant, but even so she felt like a part of her had gone missing. Every now and again she would see children on the street and wonder what her baby would have looked like. What they would've been like. Would they have had her blue eyes? Would they have had Noah's tan skin? Would they have loved the snow as much as she did? Would they have had Noah's street smarts? All these questions that tortured her and would forever more go unanswered, all these questions that only succeeded in hurting her further.
She started crying again, thinking about all of these things that would never happen. Things that she shouldn't dwell on, but she did anyway because in some small way it helped to cry, even if it wouldn't change anything it would make her feel better.
She was surprised when Noah came in, holding a glass of water and a chocolate bar. He placed them on the side and without hesitation climbed onto the bed, curling around behind her.
"I'm sorry B, I'm so sorry." Brittany could swear she felt teardrops falling onto her top. Puck was crying, confirmed by a loud sob seconds later. He wrapped his arms around her and she rested her hands on top of his.
"I'm sorry too Noah. I'm sorry too."
Santana was pacing her room, making a mental list of everything that Brittany had revealed. Firstly, Brittany was trying to deal with being bi-sexual. Secondly, she was attending reparative therapy sessions as commissioned by her mom. Thirdly, she was pregnant with Noah's child. Fourthly, she miscarried. Lastly, she said that she didn't love her on the night when Santana ran away.
But Santana knew she loved her. She always had done. But she was terrified of her. Right now she wasn't sure of anything, she wasn't even sure if she would open the door up at 8 tonight, because she was afraid Brittany might surprise her with something else and she didn't know if she would be able to cope.
She massaged her temples slowly, trying to relieve some tension so that she could lie down and let sleep consume her.
She wondered what Brittany was doing at that exact same moment.
Is she thinking of me? She thought, realising it was dangerous territory she put on some music so that it would stop her from thinking.