Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, I do however own this story, I'm just borrowing the characters.
A/N: Happy Halloween UK! Ok so after a hiatus here's a chapter, sort of a happy Glee-eve ff. Anyway, I'll keep it brief, but please review!
Brittany stood hesitantly, she knew that Santana wasn't going to welcome her with open arms, but she had at least thought they would be civil. Instead it seemed that they had regressed back into who they were before, constantly making the wrong choices. Brittany felt like Santana had always put her on a pedestal, and now that she had revealed her own past mistakes it was as if the Latina couldn't cope with the imperfections that was being laid before her.
"Come inside Britt" her voice was softer now, almost child-like. Brittany stepped inside wondering where this night's conversation would take them.
They both sat down in the chairs, pulling them opposite each other so that they could face one another.
"So where do you want to start?" Brittany said, leaning a little forward in her chair. Santana could tell she was tense, and she didn't want to make it worse with the sarcastic comments waiting to spring from her mouth. Santana leant back a little in her chair.
"These therapy sessions – what were they like?" She thought she would start off on something other than the pregnancy. Even though the two topics kind of went hand in hand.
Santana could see the relief that flowed from the blonde. Her eyebrows relaxed and her eyes grew softer.
"Well they weren't fun-" Santana almost scoffed but held it back; she waited in silence for Brittany to continue.
"-they were really bad San. All I kept wishing for was to make my parents happy. My parents kept talking about the Kinsey Report saying that it shows how people in their lifetime can change their sexual orientation. But Dr. Troop kept going through the different steps with me. The first step was to take part in things deemed a woman's role. So my mum was encouraging me to cook, clean and sew. I hated it, I could barely leave the house I felt like I was chained to it."
That statement alone made Santana feel sick. It just reaffirmed her hatred of Lima, of parents and of the small mindedness that seemed to circulate in that place.
"The second step was to get rid of any activities that were seen as masculine. So the motocross had to go, and just in case - my parents said I couldn't go to dance anymore. I cried so much San, it was like they were taking me apart piece by piece. I didn't go to school, I had a tutor come to the house – the only people I saw were Puck and Quinn."
Santana raised an eyebrow at that.
"Quinn?"
"I saw her at church. That was a big part of my therapy – praying for God's forgiveness and the strength to battle the deeply sinful parts of me. I could only make contact with Puck in a romantic way. My mom even set topics for us to talk about and we had to talk in front of her to make sure that we didn't get off topic and start talking about motocross or football stuff like that. My mom was thankful for Quinn, because she was such a heterosexual woman I had to learn from her. Copy the things she would do or say. I think it annoyed Quinn a lot to be honest."
Brittany remembered when she literally would repeat every single word Quinn would say, and then she would go quiet and just stare at Brittany her whole demeanour would change.
"I attended church a lot more, joining a woman's church group and sit there and talk about how great God was and discuss how He made a difference in our lives."
Santana smirked. "How do you know God isn't a woman?" She had to say something derogatory. Brittany just rolled her eyes.
"Do you want to know the rest of the steps I had to do?" Santana quietened down and just nodded, indicating for Brittany to continue.
"I had to attend group therapy sessions, where we would have to talk about our progress and any slip-ups back into homosexuality."
"And were there?" Santana was curious to know.
"Many times. Mainly I would tell them about the dreams I kept having." Brittany looked down and started twisting her fingers together, she went quiet for a moment and then looked back up staring right into the Latina's eyes.
"Dreams about you. Some were innocent, some were ... not so innocent." Santana let out an involuntary smile.
"I then had to become less assertive with guys, well with Puck really. So I had to let him pursue me. It was so stupid; it just didn't make any sense. I had to basically engage completely in a heterosexual relationship with Puck who I didn't really want. He played along for my sake, just to make things easier on me."
For once, Santana actually felt herself softening towards Puck thinking that maybe he had changed a bit. Not completely, but that he had grown a conscience.
"My parents were trying to pressure us into marriage, but his mom outright said no I was so grateful to her you have no idea. I think Puck was thankful too. We both couldn't imagine anything worse than being tied to each other in that way."
The nauseous feeling was back, Santana couldn't even bear to think about Brittany being married with a kid. The image didn't sit well at all with her.
"So what happened then?" Santana became acutely aware of how far forward she was sitting in her chair and edging closer to Brittany all the while she spoke.
"It didn't work; as the weeks went by I didn't really speak. When I wasn't going through these steps I was in my bed not wanting to leave or move. I would always think about you San, sitting about wondering if you had moved on quickly and found someone who could be the right person for you. If I'm being honest I pictured you turning down girl after girl because of me. But deep down I knew that it probably wouldn't be true?" The last part came out as more of a question and Santana had to look away.
"San? Is there someone else?" Brittany felt fear shiver throughout her body. The lack of a response was scaring her, leaving her to her own imagination.
"No I don't have anyone else. But when I first got here, I did meet someone. Sara. She er, well I worked with her. But it wasn't a relationship. It was meaningless." Why should I feel guilty? Santana thought idly, it's not as if we were together.
Brittany felt her heartbreak a little, but knew that it was unjustified.
"Ok-" Brittany eyed Santana closely. "-but you're not together now?"
"No" Santana said firmly. "Definitely not."
Still that seed of uncertainty was planted firmly within Brittany's mind. She wondered if this girl – if Sara meant anything to the Latina. But before she could ask Santana fired another question at her.
"When-" Santana licked her lips, they suddenly felt dry. She wasn't sure if she should ask about the miscarriage and against the part of her mind that was screaming don't, she did anyway.
"When did you miscarry?"
And there it was - the question about a part of her life that she really didn't want to relive again.
"San I really don't want to go into detail about it right now. Can we talk about everything but... please?"
Santana could see the pain she had unearthed in Brittany's eyes; she wished she hadn't even opened her mouth.
"Sure, I'm sorry Britt." She hung her head feeling a little dismayed; she finally felt the full impact of not staying in Lima. But she wasn't going to regret her decisions, but she did regret the hurt that Brittany had gone through – she had been a large part of that hurt.
"What are you thinking?" The blonde asked, unable to look into Santana's eyes to gauge where she was at emotionally.
"How much hurt you've been through, and the suffering."
Brittany offered her pinky and Santana took it gratefully.
"I wasn't there for you though San. We weren't there for each other." Santana fought against her natural instinct to protest how she was the one who was upset more, but really she couldn't find any justification for a claim like that.
"So what do you want Brittany?" Santana's tone was harsh but she instantly softened it. "I mean out of this." She gestured between the two of them.
"Santana you know what I want. I want to change the mistakes that I've made. You know that I want to be with you – in any way you'll have me." Santana tightened her pinky around Brittany's as she spoke the same words that Santana had uttered a year ago.
"Britt-" she sighed. "I – I..."