Chapter Eight – Blissful Ignorance
Skipping breakfast gave me another hour of sleep, but I arrived a few minutes late to Dr. Kippes' office. After I mumbled excuses, we began the session. He was elated with my progress, but he was still pushing for electroshock. I wondered if he had ever tried it on himself. If he had, he may have second thoughts about using it at his hospital. My first session was scheduled for the next afternoon, and I was getting more anxious by the minute.
The rest of the day flew by in a blur. I barely ate anything, as my stomach was nervous. I napped for a few hours before supper and before I knew, it was ten. Griffen arrived the same time as the previous evening. I was happy to see him, but many things weighed on my mind. As he greeted me, my stomach rumbled. He looked at me questioningly, and I explained. He excused himself, but was back moments later with a small loaf of bread and a quart of milk. I humored him at first, but the bread was very good.
"Now," he said softly, "Isn't that better?"
"Yes," I said and then grimaced, "I am still to be electrocuted tomorrow."
"No," he said mischievously and smiled, "The Electroshock machine will not be operational tomorrow."
"Thank you," I gushed with relief, "You are the best."
"Well don't get your hopes up too soon," he warned, "They will eventually repair the machine or move the reserve machine in."
"Oh," I sighed and then had an idea, "Can you get me out of here? We could run away."
"If it were anything else," he said defeated, "You see little bird, you are safer in here. I can control the thirst in this stink hole, but outside I fear I may lose that control. Your scent is so appealing that I feel physical pain when I am near you."
"I'm sorry," I said hopelessly, "You could bite me and then I would not be appealing anymore."
"You would consent to become a monster?" he asked in disbelief.
"I would," I said simply.
"It is not as simple as a bite," he explained, "There would still be the issue of my self control. Maybe I can build strength the more I am around you."
"Okay," I said in disappointment, "I am not sure how long I can wait before I actually go insane in this place."
"You have reserves of strength little bird," he reassured, "Just give me some time."
"Okay," I resigned.
"Thank you," he chimed.
Griffen avoided the subject for the rest of the evening. We spoke of books and new inventions. I told him about when I drove my mother's motor buggy. He was delighted when I told him about my dream from the previous night. Dreams were something he missed, as he had no need for rest. True to his word, he left me several hours earlier than the night before.
There was a flurry of activity the next day. Dr. Kippes cancelled our daily session because he was lending a hand with the electroshock machine. The reserve machine was missing from the basement, and they were outraged. All the staff had been questioned by lunchtime except of course the groundskeeper.
It would have been a pleasant day if not for the strange flashes I kept getting. I did not receive an actual vision all day-only nonsensical snippets. One in particular stood out, it was a flash of Griffen's concerned face. I had a flash of Helen slapping me across the face, and then one of me greeting her with a huge smile. They were all so confusing; I could not make heads or tails of any of it.
By the time Griffen came to visit, I was a bundle of nerves. In total frustration, I explained all I had seen over the course of the day. He had no insight into what it could mean. His attempt to cheer me up with a surprise was thwarted as one of my flashes was of him giving me my mother's perfume. I thanked him, but the small bottle caused me to be melancholy. I missed my mother so much.
I told him everything that I remembered about my mother. I cried but there was much laughter too. Griffen was so patient with me; not once did he become bored or indifferent. Then I told him of my little sister, and why I wanted to get out of the Willows so badly. I do not know if he was just humoring me, but we made plans to take Cynthia with us when we ran away. I harbored a little hope by the time Griffen left.
The next morning I awoke refreshed and recharged. I had wonderful dreams of Charlie and our children. I had a spring in my step when I went down to breakfast. I was half way through with my meal when I noticed Helen and Barthel in the corner of the dining room. They had worked nights since I came to the Willows so I found it strange that they were still here. A vision filled my mind.
Barthel jabbers in German to Helen and Dr. Kippes as he undoes the leather restraints from my arms and legs. Helen shakes my limp body, and Dr. Kippes assures them that I have only lost consciousness. Barthel becomes more animated as his wife shakes me violently. The good doctor tells her to stop and suggests smelling salts. She pouts as she waves a small glass vile under my nose. My eyes flutter and the mountain of a man sighs with relief. Dr. Kippes calls my name, and I open my eyes. I look at each of their faces with a content smile on my lips. After a few moments, I ask him if Alice is my name.
My blood was cold as ice, but it seemed to burn in my veins. The electricity was going to cause memory loss and possibly brain damage. Be it temporary or permanent, I could not let them strap me in that bed. Memories of Charlie and my mother were just too precious to lose. I had neglected to ask Griffen where he spent his daylight hours so I did not know if I could get any help from him. I had to get outside where I could call for him.
"Good morning," Dr. Kippes startled me from behind, "Helen burned the midnight oil, and the electroshock therapy machine is functional again. So instead of our normal session you will have your first shock treatment."
"You can't," I begged, "Please it's going to cause amnesia and brain damage."
"Don't be absurd," he scoffed, "That happens so rarely that you need not worry."
"But I have seen it," I whispered, "It will happen to me."
"You were making such wonderful progress," he said sadly, "I am more convinced than ever that electroshock is the best course of action."
"Could I get some fresh air?" I asked sweetly.
"I'm afraid not," he replied and shook his head, "The machine was down for an entire day so I have twice the residents needing their therapy today."
I made a break for it. Dr. Kippes was so surprised by my sudden departure that he did not try to stop me. After fleeing the dining room at a full sprint, I made it down the hall. I had my hand on the door to the courtyard when a hand grabbed from behind. Helen was faster than she looked; she yanked me away from the door by my hair. Her husband was there just moments later, and he grabbed a hold of my arms.
"Griffen!" I yelled, "Help me Griffen please!"
"Hush," Helen directed, "Just take your medicine."
"Griffen!" I screamed again, and she slapped me across the face.
I was seeing stars when Helen said, "That's better."
Some of the wind had gone out of my sails, but I still fought as they carried to the therapy room. I struggled until they had me tightly in the restraints. They ignored me when I begged them to stop. Barthel asked a question in German, and the doctor replied in kind. His huge face wore a worried expression, but he helped his wife shove a piece of leather into my mouth. Dr. Kippes instructed Helen where to set the wattage dial, but she turned it up much higher when he turned to speak to me. I tried to tell him, but the mouthpiece caused my speech to be unintelligible. Tears of frustration streamed out of my eyes, and Barthel dried them with his sleeve.
"Schritt weg," Dr. Kippes said and they moved away from me, "Okay Alice…I am going to administer two shocks. The first will be for three seconds and the second will be for ten. Here we go then."
He flipped the toggle switch, and my muscles painfully tightened. My back arched off the table, and I found I could not breathe. Electricity throbbed in my bones for what seemed like an eternity. With a thud, my body fell to the table. Through the ringing in my ears, I heard my torturer instruct Helen to turn the wattage up two clicks. I screamed a muffled 'no' as the doctor flipped the switch again. The pain had doubled in intensity, but it did not last long because the blessed darkness enveloped me.
oooOooo
The beautiful angel smiles at me, and I think my heart will burst. I ask him if I am dead, and he shakes his head bemused. His golden eyes sparkle with love for me. There is no need to ask his name because I know it is Jasper. I feel so calm and content. My peace is not broken even when a strong acidic odor fills my nostrils. I blink my eyes furiously to clear them because my love is fading away.
"Alice?" an unfamiliar voice calls and I open my eyes.
I smile at the three strangers and ask, "Is Alice my name?"
"You know it is," the woman snapped.
"Helen," the distinguished gentleman warned, "Sometimes you must be delicate to get the truth."
"Helen is a nice name," I gushed, "It's a pleasure to meet you."
She scoffed at my extended hand as the man asked, "Alice, do you know where you are?"
I looked around the room and answered, "A hospital?"
"Of a sort," he responded and then inquired, "Do you know my name?"
"No sir," I said after I searched my mind to no avail.
"I am Dr. Frued," he said smiling.
"Pleased to meet you," I said and extended my hand.
He shook my hand slowly as he scrutinized my face, and finally said, "I don't think she's faking."
"Dr. Kippes?" Helen asked alarmed.
"I thought you said your name was Dr. Frued?" I asked confused, "Frued at least sounded vaguely familiar to me."
"I'm sorry for the misdirection," he explained, "I just had to be sure that you weren't being untruthful."
"Oh okay," I said brightly.
"This is ridiculous," Helen mumbled under her breath.
"Hello my name is Alice," I chimed and extended my hand out to the stranger in the room.
The giant of a man looked at my hand and then at Helen. She spoke to him animatedly in a foreign language. He looked at me in horror, but I continued to smile with my hand out to him. Slowly and gently he took my hand and shook it.
"Barthel," he whispered.
"Pleased to meet you Barthel," I said smiling.
For the following hour, I answered the doctor's questions to the best of my ability. He informed me that my mother had passed away in a auto accident several months earlier. I waited for sadness, but none found me. Before I left him, he apologized for not believing me. When I asked him what he meant, he dismissed me.
A nice nurse named Judith showed me my room, and then asked me if I wanted to help decorate the Christmas tree. I happily accepted. I had so much fun that I missed lunch. She shared her sweet bread and apple butter with me. We were soon laughing and talking. Helen shot us a disapproving look as she gathered her belongings to leave.
After she left, the strangest thing happened; I had a vision of Helen insisting that Dr. Kippes transfer Judith to the men's ward. It was odd how eerie and familiar the phenomenon felt. Somehow I knew that I was seeing the future.
"I'm sorry," I conveyed sadly.
"For Helen?" Judith said lightly, "Don't worry about it."
"She is going to ask Dr. Kippes to transfer you to the men's ward," I warned, "Because of me."
"How could you know that?" she asked wide eyed.
"I had a vision of her doing it," I sighed, "I think that's why I'm here because I can see the future."
"Well," she began, "I heard that it was because you attacked your father and your new stepmother."
"I don't think I could do something like that," I said without much conviction, "But I can't remember anything before this morning."
"The electroshock therapy affects people differently," she surmised, "Well I need to get to my rounds. Thank you for your help with the tree and the decorations. It looks almost cheerful."
"You're welcome," I chimed, "I had a fine time."
"I did too," she said and walked down the hall.
I wandered out to the courtyard while I searched my mind for memories. Without realizing what I was doing, I began picking dead leaves from the apple tree. The task seemed as natural as breathing. I was pondering what it could mean when another vision came to me.
A visitor in a hooded robe slips into my room after darkness falls. He is so handsome, and he reminds me of the angel that I had dreamed of this morning. He produces a small-carved stone from a leather pouch that had been tied to his belt. The tiny bird carving is exquisite, and I turn it over and over in my hand.
He is an older man, and the only thing in this place that even seems vaguely familiar. I wonder why he would visit in the darkness of night, but I know that he is my friend and not my foe. I am intrigued by him and cannot wait for his visit. The afternoon drags on.
To pass the time I try to interact with the other patients. I find only one that it even somewhat receptive. A middle-aged woman named Bonnie that believes she is a dog. When I try to speak with her she only whines and barks at me. After I pat the top of her head, and she warms up considerably. A nurse stops our game of fetch then reprimands me for advocating her behavior. I apologize to both of them and scratch Bonnie behind the ear when the nurse's back is turned.
Supper was quite good, and I had Bonnie for company. She still did not speak, but she listened intently when I spoke. However when I mentioned Helen, she did growl. That made me giggle, and my new friend only panted happily. She was deep into her canine delusion because I would have had to laugh. I considered asking her some pointed questions but decided against it. If that was how she dealt with her life in this place, who was I to pry.
When it was finally time to retire for the evening, I could barely contain my excitement. Helen came to lock my door and greeted her warmly with a huge smile on my face. She scowled at me for several moments.
"I know you are pretending," she accused.
"I wish I were dear Helen," I sighed, "I wish I were."
"I'll be watching you," she declared and locked the door.
"Have a wonderful evening," I shouted through the door.