CHAPTER TWO
"Oh," Rose breathed, stepping back. "Right."
Just when she'd thought she was standing on solid ground again, her whole world conspired to shift and swirl dizzyingly around her.
The Doctor frowned slightly, confused, and looked back over his shoulder to see what Rose was staring at. "Oh!" he said in a much more excited tone. A broad grin crossed his face. "Rose, you remember Reinette, don't you? 'Course you do. Very famous, Reinette. Brilliant. Hard to forget."
"Madame de Pompadour," Rose acknowledged. "Yeah, I remember."
"And let me tell you, all those stories about how brilliant she is? Completely justified! You know how I got out of France? Reinette moved the fireplace – you remember the fireplace – so I just had to put it back online with a bit of sonic screwdriver jiggery pokery to get it working. But then we got back on that ship only to find you and Mickey gone. Gone! Wandered off again, I thought. And usually I'd take this opportunity to remind you about Rule Number One, because nothing good ever happens when you break the first rule of travel in time and space, but ... well, I think I can let you off the hook this once. Just once, mind! And only because the TARDIS let me know what had happened. Five years, it was! Five whole years had passed on that ship, when only a few hours had gone by in France. Talk about your loose connections! The life of a time-traveller, eh? Eh?" the Doctor exclaimed, punctuating his rambling with a laugh.
"Even when you're travelling through time without the TARDIS you can't get it quite right," Rose said. It didn't sound quite as joking as she'd been aiming for.
"Hey!" the Doctor objected. Then his expression softened, along with his over-exuberance. "The TARDIS said you were there for months. I'm sorry."
Rose thought, did the TARDIS also tell you about the horrors we saw there on the ship? Or do you think it was just like some extended stay in an exotic holiday destination? A bit of an inconvenience that was solved just as soon as we got off that ship?
Rose hoped that wasn't what he thought at all. She still had nightmares. She didn't necessarily want him to know all of it, but it'd be nice if he even partly understood the gravity of what had happened.
Aloud, Rose said, "We were all right, Mickey and me. We got out of it."
"And where is Mr Mickey?" the Doctor asked, peering about as if he expected the man himself to appear at the drop of a hat the moment his name was mentioned.
"Dunno," Rose said. "Or, well, he's at work obviously, but I think it's about lunchtime for him, so he could be out and about anywhere."
"Work," the Doctor said, working his tongue around the word like it was foreign. Rose supposed it was, to him. Or the concept of it was, at least.
"Yeah, we've been back here for comin' onto a year now. Couldn't live off crumbs and my Mum's charity forever, could we?"
The Doctor looked surprised at this revelation. "The TARDIS was supposed to track you to one month after you'd left the spaceship. Just enough time for you to have the chance to get wherever you were going. Didn't want to land the TARDIS in the middle of a group of Time Agents, did I?"
"Well," Rose said, "I think I've already mentioned your sense of direction once today. Anymore and you'll get all moody."
"Oi," the Doctor protested, but it didn't sound like his heart was in it. His forehead was creased in consideration, like he was studying her a lot more deeply than she wanted him to be doing right then.
"Doctor," Reinette called softly, "should I come out?"
The Doctor looked around at the empty lot beside the Powell Estate. "Don't see why not. No one around. And this is 21st century London; if anyone saw you they'd just think you were in fancy dress."
"Or on a bender," Rose added.
"On a what?" Reinette asked, stepping daintily out of the TARDIS, her immaculate skirts brushing the dusty concrete.
"Er ..." Rose said. "Never mind. Like the Doctor said. Fancy dress."
"Oh. All right. But apart from the clothes, are we quite safe here?" Reinette asked, looking worriedly around her. "I thought we had come to the future, but this looks just as bad as some of the slums in my time. They were populated with ruffians and madmen, from what I've heard. Not at all the sort of place I'd feel safe wandering."
"I live here," Rose said, keeping her tone as even as possible.
"Here?" Reinette repeatedly, shocked. She looked around again and then cleared her throat. "Oh. Well, it's ... charming. Do all homes look like this in your time? I must begin getting used to the differences, I think. It's hardly diplomatic of me to comment on a future I know nothing about."
Well, at least she knew she'd been rude, Rose thought. That was a start.
"Rose's mother lives here," the Doctor corrected. "Rose's home is on the TARDIS."
Rose frowned. "No, really," she said to Reinette. "I live here. Still. Have done for twenty years now, and nearly a year of that since I saw you last. This is home. If it's good enough for Mum, it's good enough for me, isn't it?"
"Oh, of course. That's not what I meant. It's home still, when you're visiting," the Doctor agreed. "But I'm back now. All of the universe to see, starting right here right now. What d'you say?"
"No."
"Brilliant! Right then! Where d'you want to – what? Hang on, what?"
"No, Doctor. I'm not coming. This is home, for now."
"It doesn't have to be," the Doctor coaxed.
"Doesn't it?" Rose bit out. She drew in a calming breath. "Sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you."
The Doctor took a step toward her, and Rose took a step back. Like one of the dances Madame de Pompadour might have involved herself in back in France, but far less planned and far more awkward. She just couldn't have him near right now, because if he came any closer he would take her hand in his, or pull her into a hug, and Rose just needed a few minutes to breath. And to think.
"Rose ..." the Doctor said. "What's wrong? I know it's been a year, and I'm sorry I left you like that, but –"
"You should invite Mickey to come along with you," Rose interrupted. "We saw a bit of the universe when we were tryin' to get back here, but I think he'd like to get back out there for a little while. He only really got one trip in the TARDIS, didn't he? That's not enough. And he'd really like it if you actually offered this time, I think."
"I offered once before. After the Slitheen," the Doctor said, indignant. "Hardly my fault if Mickey was happy to stay here living the day-to-day."
"Doctor, really. Please. Just ask him. Even if he says no, it'll mean a lot to him. He was brilliant on that spaceship. Braver than me, sometimes. He's not the tin dog, and he and I both know that now. He'd like it if you showed that you know it, too."
The Doctor nodded cautiously, as if afraid that sudden movements might set her off unexpectedly. "All right," he said slowly. Then he grinned. "Yeah, fine. Better than fine. Been a while since I've had four on the TARDIS at a time. Brilliant! The more the merrier!"
Rose shook her head. "Not four."
The Doctor gave her a slightly condescending look, then. "Yes, four. Reinette as well, remember?"
"How could I forget?" Rose muttered.
"What?"
"Nothin'," Rose said quickly. She looked away from him, unable to bring herself to look at those still-new but somehow so-familiar features. "'S'just ... Like I said. I don't think I'll be comin' this time."
"What?" the Doctor repeated.
"You've got Reinette," Rose indicated at the other woman, "and Mickey, too, maybe. You don't need me."
Rose caught Reinette's eyes pretty much by accident. There was that look she'd given Rose back on the spaceship. That look of sharing her feelings to an extent, but at the same time pitying her. Rose didn't want to be pitied.
"I always need you," the Doctor said, his voice quiet enough that Rose nearly missed it. She thought maybe she was supposed to miss it, actually. Her breath hitched slightly, her throat feeling suddenly swollen.
She might still have the tear-tracks, stained dark with rivers of mascara, making unsightly patterns down her face, but Rose would be damned if she'd add to them now. She'd stopped crying as soon as she'd seen Reinette and realised what was happening. The shock of it had been enough to startle her out of sobbing, perhaps, or maybe it was a subconscious form of self-preservation in the face of this impending confrontation between herself and the Doctor. Whatever, crying right now wasn't a great idea. She could hold on again until she made it up to her room. She'd been holding on for a year up until now. What was a few more minutes in comparison?
She wouldn't let him see her cry over this. Not over this. She'd rather he just thought she was completely content with her decision. It wouldn't do either of them any good for her to make it obvious just how much he was breaking her heart.
Because Rose had realised one thing over the past year. She might have been in a bit of a haze for part of it, waiting for her life to restart, but she wasn't going to spend the rest of her forever like that. Waiting for him. Wondering why she wasn't enough for him.
She wasn't going to let herself be like Sarah Jane.
So, she thought, a clean break. Just what the doctor ordered.
She held in the hysterical laughter that almost bubbled up at that thought about as well as she was holding in that second wave of tears.
"Rose," the Doctor said. "It's a big TARDIS. Plenty big enough for a few more people. It worked out all right when we brought Mickey along, didn't it?"
Yes, Rose thought, it did. But no thanks to the Doctor. Mickey made his own way through the stars, in the end.
"It wasn't all right, though. He was the tin dog," Rose said. "Even I treated him that way. I didn't want him there. You saw that. But he shouldn't have been the tin dog, or the third wheel, or whatever. And I can't be," she finished, her voice going strangely gravelly on the final two syllables.
"Never," the Doctor promised.
"I remember you saying somethin' along those lines once before," Rose pointed out. "Or close enough. 'Not you', you said. Like you wouldn't leave me. Like I was special. But it didn't even take you a whole day to gallop off, leavin' me in the dust."
"I had to save history!" the Doctor exclaimed.
"Did you? Or did you have to save her?"
Rose looked at Madame de Pompadour with regret in her eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm sure you're really lovely an' all. But the thing is, he's messin' about with history to have you here now. He jumped through that time window to make sure you lived because you're important to history, but now he's gone and taken you out of that history." Rose glared at the Doctor, meeting his eyes again. "What happens if somethin' goes wrong while you're out travellin' with her, and you can't take her back? Because I know you care about the history part, but I think you care about being with her more, or you'd have left her there where she belongs. And that's fine, Doctor. It's okay to admit it, even. It's actually nice to know you can care that much about someone. But I can't be there watching it happen."
"I know what I'm doing!" the Doctor shouted. "I'm not risking history like some blundering child. Just because you brought Reapers –"
"Don't you bring that up! You can't say you forgive me and then go bringin' it up to use against me whenever you feel like it!" Rose shouted right back at him. "And you're doin' somthin' just as bad right now, anyway. You always know what you're doin', isn't that right? But things hardly ever work out just the way you think they will. People die, Doctor. It's not your fault, but it happens. It's not fair to tempt fate like that, putting her into that situation. History needs her."
"I don't believe in fate," the Doctor spat.
"I know you don't," Rose said. "Nor do I, not really. But still, this feels like fate right here. This has been comin' for a while, after all. You've been pushin' me away, and look. Now I'm gettin' the message. You and me can't be together right now."
"Don't turn this back on me," he warned darkly. "This is your decision."
Rose nodded. "Yeah, it is. Because if you're so close to her that you've decided established events or whatever you babble about can go and hang, I don't think I wanna get in the way."
"It's not like that! Humans!" the Doctor exclaimed, exasperated. "Why do you always have to label everything to fit your own expectations?"
"What is it like, then?" Rose asked. "Say I get on that TARDIS with you now. What d'you think is gonna happen, exactly? That we're all gonna pretend that it's not awkward as hell in there, and pretend that you're not completely in denial about how you feel about her? I saw it Doctor. I see it now."
"Is that all you see?" he asked, his expression hard.
"What're you sayin'?" Rose asked.
The Doctor clenched his jaw. "Nothing. Nothing at all. So, you're leaving then?"
"I can't stay. There's no choice here, really. I can't."
"Just think about this."
"I've already decided," Rose said. Even the Doctor couldn't out-stubborn her when she was in this sort of mood. "But I'm decidin' somethin' else, too." She fished her mobile phone out of her pocket and thrust it into his hand. "You promised me you'd never do to me what you did to Sarah Jane, right? So prove it. You hang onto this, and you answer it when I call you one day when you've returned her to her own time. If you come back, then we can go from there."
"I don't go ever back," the Doctor said.
"I know," Rose said simply.
The Doctor stared at the phone in his hand, all pink and innocent-looking, as if it was a poisonous snake about to bite. He was silent for so long that Rose sighed at him.
"Don't leave angry. Please," Rose begged. "Mum always said you should never let an argument sit. Not that she was any good at takin' her own advice."
The Doctor still said nothing. Rose's chest felt constricted.
"It'll be all right, Doctor," she continued. "It'll work out better than ever this way, don't you think? Time machine, remember? You can travel the stars with her, show her all that wonderful stuff, and be back here in just ten minutes. If you want."
She walked away from him before he could say anything more, striding instead up to Reinette. Rose didn't think anyone had ever looked so out of place in her London council estate as Madame de Pompadour all done up to the nines did right then.
"You look after him," Rose ordered, her voice cracking. "He gets so sad, sometimes, and he wasn't sad when he was with you, so ..."
Reinette reached out and laid a hand on Rose's arm comfortingly. "It doesn't have to be like this," she said. "We could work it out."
Rose shook her head. "I know you're used to sharing and all, but I'm not. I can't. Just ..."
"Look after him," Reinette repeated understandingly. "Yes, I think I will."
"And yourself, as well," Rose added. "I wasn't jokin' about it bein' dangerous for him to take you out of your time. Keep yourself safe."
"I've seen what the Doctor's life is like. I'll be sure to be careful."
Rose nodded, biting her lip. "Well all right then. And ... it's scary out there. But it's so damn beautiful as well. Just remember what you said. Worth the monsters, right?"
Reinette tilted her head in agreement.
Rose stumbled away, barely holding herself together now. She moved back over to the Doctor's side.
"Right. So, ball's in your court now, mister," Rose announced, pressing the tip of her finger into his chest. This might be the last time she actually touched him, Rose thought distantly. "Answer the phone when it rings, show up back here under your own steam, forget me, even. Your choice."
God, Rose thought, she hoped he didn't just forget her, even if he did decide to wipe his hands of her. She couldn't stand it if he just forgot her. Not after Gelth and Slitheen and Daleks and watching him die and be reborn like some fairytale. She'd never forget him. Never. Not one detail of it. She wanted the same to be true on his part.
"Don't worry, though," she added instead. "If you decide ... you know, if you don't come back. Don't worry. I'll have that fantastic life you wanted for me. Yeah?"
"Right. That life. Here." The Doctor's face was blank.
Rose forced a small smile. "I'll see you then, Doctor," she said, unable to quite say something as final sounding as 'goodbye'. This way she could allow herself the illusion that he was coming back, at least.
She turned to stride back to the building, longing for the comfort of her childhood bed where she could have a good cry.
"Come with me," he called after her, obviously allowing himself one last-ditch effort to change her mind. "Please."
Rose paused, just for a moment, and her smile was suddenly just a smidgen more genuine. She doubted he'd ever asked anyone to travel with him as many times as he'd asked her now. It gave her a bit of real hope that he might, just this once, break his long-standing rule of never looking where he'd been.
"Come back for me," she countered without turning back around. "And for god's sake, ask Mickey."
She retreated into the building and didn't quite make it up the stairs. When she heard, several minutes later, the sound of the TARDIS dematerialising, she knew he'd gone. And that was good. She wanted him to be gone. This was what was best for both of them right now. She'd grown up a lot in the past year. She could think about more than her own immediate needs, if she needed to. She'd been working on being a little less selfish, after all.
None of that stopped her from crying, though, her tears slowly gathering and spreading along the sharp edge of the step she'd leaned her face against.