Gillian checked her wristwatch for the twentieth time. Cal had called forty minutes ago when he said he'd be right around. That made him officially about ten minutes late. However, with road conditions like that, such tardiness was not only understandable but expected.

After his call, Gillian had put the bound manuscript back into its shoebox and searched for a place of honour on one of her bookshelves. Let people think she was crazy for proudly displaying a shoebox but to her it was so much more. Just from the quick read she had done this afternoon, she felt as if he had written the book just for her, to say all those little things he should have over the past ten years but never found the right words for. So she considered it a treasure and the shoebox that housed it was like a treasure chest. Now she sat on her couch and stared at the object while she waited for Cal. She wanted to be ready for him, when he arrived. She had to suppress the urge to put on her coat and wait outside for him and Emily to pull up her driveway in his car. She'd flung her arms around him and kiss him senseless. That would be pathetic. And so school girl crush of her. Instead she stayed inside, twiddling her thumbs and counting the minutes.

She wondered if maybe she was reading too much into Cal's gift. After all, he didn't really write it for her, did he? Sure she'd been constantly breathing down his neck to finish it but technically it was the publisher that had commissioned the second book from him and sicked the bloodhounds on him. Would other people be able to interpret Cal's book as a covert declaration of love? Or could only she decipher Cal's roundabout ways of expressing his feelings? Zoë would know and Emily of course. Loker and Torres would probably figure it out, too. She was thankful Cal hadn't put her on the spot by revealing Bonnie's identity completely, even though the people around them could probably put two and two together.

Maybe her watch was going fast? She reached for her cell to double-check the time. Nope. Cal was now officially half an hour late and Gillian started to get worried. What if something had happened to them on their way over? The police wouldn't even notify her because she wasn't next of kin. Don't go there, Gillian, don't go there. Maybe someone else had been in an accident and the roads were blocked. But why the fuck didn't he call her then? She glanced at her cell phone again. Four bars. Excellent reception, so that couldn't be the issue either.

There was of course the other explanation, which Gillian had refused to acknowledge but had nonetheless crept into her conscience. What if? No, he wouldn't do that to her, would he? Not now. Not when they'd become officially an item. Not after last night, which was so phenomenal she had still not been able to shake the chills just thinking about him stretching her insides brought back. He couldn't really make love to her one night and then go back to his ex-wife for a quick shag – not when he already knew there'd be seconds for him later tonight.

As the big hand of her watch seemed to increase in speed and the minutes ran by she wanted to give him the benefit of doubt. The man who had made love to her last night wouldn't betray her like that. There had to be another explanation for his tardiness – but why didn't he just call and explain? She'd understand. If he wanted to spend more time with Zoë, Emily and her grandparents as a family, he'd just have to say so. Surely, he must know that she'd accept that without even so much as the blink of an eye? Just because you got divorced didn't mean you had to start hating your ex-spouse's whole entourage. After all, she still wrote a Christmas card to Alec's father and called his mother once before the holidays. She'd formed relationships with them independent of her relationship to Alec, she didn't just like them because they were his parents and vice versa, so she refused to abandon those relationships.

She argued with herself over just calling him. That would be too needy, wouldn't it? She was sure Cal who'd always liked his independence would hate a needy woman who checked up on him all the time. She didn't want to corner him and spook him before the first I love yous. And of that she was sure. More than ever now that she'd read his manuscript. She loved Cal Lightman with all her heart. What she wasn't completely sure of was whether she was doomed because of her love for him. Sometimes he made it so hard for her to love him. The past months especially sometimes felt as if he'd been stretching the boundaries as far as he could go to test the limits of her love for him. That would imply of course that he knew she loved him. Could he have read it on her face? No, no, he was far too nervous this morning. He'd tried to hide it but there was an anxious tone in his voice betraying his fears that she might reject him, or worse, regret what they had done.

Stupid fool! As if she could ever stop loving him. She wished she could turn off her feelings for him. Oh dear, how many times had she longed for the strength to leave him over the past ten years. She'd found her resolve to leave Alec far quicker. But Cal was…Cal…and the thought of having him not in her life seemed unfathomable at best of times. He was irritating, obnoxious and abrasive when he was at his best behaviour. He could be sweet, caring and protective when he wanted to. That was the Cal she loved more than anything and made it impossible for her to sever her ties to him. After reading his book she had the distinct impression that he wanted to be that man around her but didn't always know how to pull it off.

She wondered, not for the first time, if he had been jealous of Dave. Scratch that, she knew he must have been jealous of him in light of last night. Feelings like that built up over a long period of time, they didn't just spring up like mushrooms over night. The way he had made love to her last night was full of awe and passion. A woman could tell when a man put his needs behind hers and Cal had made sure she was sated twice well before he allowed himself to lose control. He'd clearly pulled out all the stops to make their night memorable for both of them.

But that wasn't even the best part in her opinion. No, the memory she cherished the most was Cal the Cuddler. He'd kill her if the fact became common knowledge and ruined his hard reputation but while most men dozed off after sex, Cal had snuggled up to her and wrapped his arms around her. Sure, there was a certain possessiveness about it she'd come to expect from Cal, after all he had just made her literally his, but the lazy circles he drew on her skin and the way he rubbed his nose softly in the crook of her neck and shoulder spoke of affectionate love.

0~0~0~0~0

She'd shivered and turned around in his arms – not because she was cold but because their spooning didn't provide enough body contact, which she craved so desperately. She'd wanted to disappear inside his embrace. He'd pulled the sheets tighter around her and scooted closer to her until her breasts were pressed against his chest.

"Come here", he'd whispered so softly and yet it seemed far too loud for their intimate post-coital daze. She'd threaded one of her legs through his and their faces were barely an inch apart.

"I'm not really cold", she breathed softly in his ear.

A lopsided grin formed on his mouth, "Want me to stop?" He halted the movement of his wandering hand on her back. Gillian shook her head.

"No, I like it. You know how you sometimes shiver, but it feels actually kinda good?"

Cal looked at her blankly – clearly he'd never had that experience so far – so she pulled out her hand from between their bodies and stroked his hair softly. She let her hand travel down until she reached the hairline on the nape of his neck. He murmured her name and closed his eyes, as she stroked upwards. His grip tightened and she could feel a spasm course through his body.

Gillian watched his reactions with amusement as she continued her gentle ministrations. He nestled his head deeper into her hand, clearly enjoying the sensations. She lowered her head and brushed her lips softly against his and whispered, "See? Good shiver."

Cal cracked his eyes open and grinned mischievously, "Very good shiver, love." He pecked her lips softly and continued, "You better stop doing that or I'll expect that kind of treatment every night from you."

"Would that be so bad?" She challenged him seriously. She didn't want to start a fight but the moment seemed right to drive home her point about shared intimacy in a relationship. He could have that every night if he was willing to let her in, to open himself up to her. Cal had been scarred many times in his life and didn't like to feel vulnerable.

He rustled in the sheets until he was propped up on his elbows and looked into her eyes for a long time. "No", he finally concluded, "not a bad thing at all." To emphasise his point he kissed her longingly and murmured "Not bad at all" against her lips when he broke apart again. He trusted her with his life, so why not with his heart as well? He didn't actually feel as exposed as he normally felt in situations like these. Somehow with Gillian it was different. Natural. Almost as if that was how it was supposed to be. A dangerous word combination started to float around his brain and he better distract his mind before he said something he would come to regret.

"Cal?" She tried to get his attention with another kiss.

"Hm?" He mumbled against her lips.

"Do you always have such a short regeneration span?" She asked feeling his erection return and press into her thigh. She'd never forget the bashful smile her simply question produced on his face. Definitely a first for Cal Lightman.

"Not since college, love." He replied honestly. Better not get her hopes up for their future love life. He wished he could go more than once a night on a regular basis but the truth was that had not happened in a very long time. He considered himself good in bed but age was a battle even the great Cal Lightman couldn't win. Besides he was pretty sure, she'd be able to see through that lie even if she hadn't been a deception expert. "Consider it your Christmas bonus."

"But you still know how to use it, don't you?" He wanted to kiss the teasing grin off her face and then he realised he could just do that – and so he did. He rolled himself back on top of her and kissed her passionately.

"Don't worry, it's like riding a bicycle", he replied smugly as he slid back into her. He fit her perfectly, as if they had been made for each other.

0~0~0~0~0

Cal tried to concentrate on the road but the suffocating silence in the car caused him to glance at his daughter every time the road conditions allowed it. The slight scowl on her face didn't help matters.

"I'm sorry, love. We tried really hard this time." Cal started as a way of explanation but Emily continued to stare dead ahead, not moving a single muscle. "It's not like we want to fight over the holidays. Your mum and I we're like oil and water is all."

"Nitroglycerine is more like it." Emily grunted but didn't offer more than her quip.

Cal sighed and decided to pull over, "What's the matter, love?" He parked the car and waited for Emily's explanation but she ignored her father. "Look, I said I'm sorry. There's really not much else I can say. By now you should be used to your mother and I fighting over the holidays…"

"I heard you." Emily said quietly and a lone tear rolled down her face.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry. We didn't know we were shouting so loudly. Sometimes your mum and I say things to each other we don't really mean…" Cal started but Emily shook his head.

"Not the fight, dad. I followed mom because I thought she'd do something stupid." She cast her father a knowing look, both of them knowing Zoë's dirty tricks.

"Oh." Cal was at a loss for words. "You've been eavesdropping on us?"

"Why'd you and mom never talk like that when we were a family? Why do you always have to fight? Even when you're not together anymore." She looked at her father sharply with accusing eyes.

"Would it help to say that no matter how sour things between your mum and me get, no matter how many times you're gonna screw up, absolutely nothing in the world can ever change how much your mother and I love you?" He took Emily's hand in his and brushed his thumb softly across her tender skin.

It reminded her of how he had held her mother's hand just an hour ago. She looked steadfastedly out the front window, determined not to break down. She refused to look at her father but Cal could see the tears now streaming down her cheeks anyway.

And then it hit Cal like a ton of bricks, "Oh, love, don't cry. You knew this moment had to come sooner or later." He leaned over to brush her tears gently aside. "Your mum and I have been divorced for years now."

"I know!" Emily sobbed and threw her arms around her father, "But it hurts, dad, it really hurts. Make it stop!" Her grip was so tight around him and yet he felt he couldn't envelope her in his arms enough. She was his little girl. He wanted to protect her and he had hurt her. He'd done everything he swore he'd never do as a parent.

"I'm so sorry, Em." He ran his hand through her hair and squeezed her tightly against his chest. "I'm so sorry." There was really nothing he could say to make her feel better, so he just held her and let things run their course. He winced fully aware that he and Zoë were to blame for Emily's emotional upheaval with their constant back and forth in their relationship. Divorced parents occasionally sleeping with each other for old-time's sake would confuse any child, even a well-adjusted teenager like Emily.

"I didn't even know I still wanted this." Emily mumbled and finally broke the silence. "I don't understand why this upsets me so much, dad. I don't, I'm sorry, dad," she sobbed again and trailed off. "In here" She disentangled herself from her father and tipped her finger against her temples, "I know that we're not a family anymore, but here", she rubbed her chest, "I guess I held out hope you and mom would be getting back together one day."

Cal wiped the tears away from her cheeks and brushed her hair out of her face. "It's ok, Emily. You have nothing to be sorry about, you hear me? And we'll always be a family, a highly dysfunctional one but a family nonetheless. I am sorry, Em. Your mum and I should have never let your needs and welfare out of sight. That's unforgivable. It's okay to be confused, Emily."

"I don't understand why this bothers me so much, dad. It's not like this is the first time you or mum date someone else! She's been engaged to Roger for over a year, for heaven's sake! It makes no sense."

Cal smiled wistfully, "Maybe because until now neither your mum nor I were really serious about someone else?" He raised his eyebrows, as he explained, "What does it say about your mother that she's been engaged to someone for over a year without setting a date for the wedding?"

"That she has doubts?"

"Exactly."

"And you don't?"

"Huh?"

"Mom doesn't know if she should marry Roger because she thinks she's still in love with you. What about you? Are you sure? About Gillian? You don't have any doubts?" Emily asked.

Cal sighed, "Not like that. I have concerns about whether Gillian and I are doing the right thing, if I'm good enough for her but I don't have any doubts that I want to be with her."

Emily smiled, "You really love her, don't you?" Her smile widened into a grin, when her father actually blushed. "You want to spend the rest of your lives together, don't you?"

"Yeah, I actually do. Of course that's contingent on how fast she gets fed up with me. Might not make it that far." Emily laughed at that. "But listen, Emily, if things are moving too fast for you, I don't have to date Gillian. She'll understand. If you need more time, we can take it slow."

"Slower than three years, dad?" Emily quipped.

"Touché but the important thing here is that I won't make the same mistake twice. I won't hurt you again. If you're not ready for this, then I'll wait."

Emily looked at him funny, after all he'd all but just said he couldn't live without Gillian anymore. She couldn't really forbid him to see Gillian. What about work?

"I like Gillian", Emily mused, "I love her, too, dad. I don't think I want you to stop seeing her."

Cal briefed a sigh of relief. He would have done it. He hadn't just pushed his luck and said it. He'd really meant it. Emily had to come first; he was not going to hurt her twice in one day. It would have broken his heart and he may have been wrong, she might not have waited for him.

"Oh thank God, I would have wept but I would have followed your wishes."

"I want you to be happy, dad, and I can see how happy she makes you. It wouldn't be fair of me to ask you to give up your happiness for my happiness."

"Gosh darn, you're so smart, you can't possibly be the fruit of my loins."

"Accept it, dad. I'm yours and I'm here to stay" Emily joked, then turned serious, "I'm okay, dad, really, I am. When I head you and mom talk, really talk, for the first time since I can remember, it just threw me for a loop. I started to wonder what if… you know maybe we'd still be a family."

"Oh Em!" Cal felt rotten.

"But the point is, you and mom are not good for each other, you're toxic around each other. It's like you bring the worst out in each other. All those screaming matches you had when I was little…I often thought it would be better if you just separated."

Cal felt sucker punched and all air left him. Emily's words cut him through the heart, to think that his seven-year-old girl thought it would be better if her parents divorced shredded his heart. He couldn't breathe as he felt his chest constrict.

Emily continued, "And today in the kitchen, you talked calmly, like adults, you were nice to each other…I felt cheated…like if you'd really pulled yourself together you could have made it work."

"But then we got into a fight again…" Cal trailed off

Emily nodded, "And I realised nothing had changed. It was just…confusing, you know. It hurt and it came out of nowhere and I didn't know how to deal with it at first because I didn't even know I had these feelings still. But it's ok now."

"You're sure?"

"Yeah, dad. I'm really fine. It doesn't even hurt so much anymore? Strange isn't it? I guess that was just something that had been slumbering inside and needed to get out in the open. Nothing a good cry can't solve."

"So, we're ok?"

Emily nodded and hugged him. "Do you still have my letter to Santa?"

Cal smiled affectionately and reached back to pat his jeans pocket through his coat. "Actually I do." He quickly hugged her again.

"I meant what I wrote in my letter this year. I really wish that you find someone to make you happy. I just didn't know you'd turn around on your heel and make nails with heads."

"Well, you know me…always leap before I think."

"That will be the death of you one day."

"Now you're just sounding like Gill."

"Which only proves my point that she was the right one for you all along."

"Oi! Maybe, it's not such a good idea for you two to spend more time together." Cal looked at her mock-sternly but then his face softened, "I'd planned a surprise for you but in light of your little outburst I want to check with you first. Is it ok for Gill to come over tonight?" Cal whispered in her ear.

Emily pulled back and looked into her father's eyes. So much love for her in them. She smiled and nodded her head. Cal squeezed her before he let her go and she settled back into her seat. When had they unfastened their seatbelts and huddled together over the middle console?

It was then that Emily looked outside and realised she recognised the neighbourhood as Gillian's. A grin spread across her face.

"Good because I extended your invitation to Gillian and asked her to spend the holidays with us and she's accepted it." Cal glanced at his daughter as he started the car again. Emily nodded encouragingly and Cal continued, "So I thought we could pick her up tonight, watch a movie together before bedtime." Cal chanced another glance and saw his daughter bobbing her head, "the weather's been really inclement these days and so I thought it's better for Gillian to stay overnight. I don't want her to drive on icy roads…" – she was still bobbing her head – "but if you'd rather I drive her home later…" Cal trailed off when he saw Emily fighting a grin threatening to spread across her face.

"It's okay, dad. I wouldn't want anything happening to Gill on the bad roads either. " She whipped her head around and stared at her father with a calm and neutral face. And then she deadpanned, "Besides, I've got headphones."

Oh yeah, she had no illusions as to what he and Gill would be up to tonight. Cal just shook his head in disbelief. So they entered this stage of puberty: Precocious teenager grabbing every opportunity to embarrass her father. Normally, he would have made a comment about her keeping her tongue in check with her wisecracks, especially around Gillian. Not tonight, though, if this helped Emily blow of some steam after their emotional heart-to-heart he was all for it. And after all, she was his daughter, he should expect that kind of behaviour from her. Come to think of it, he'd be concerned if she didn't comment on his dating life. She was his daughter. And he had taught her well. Far too well. He realised a little too late that it had been a mistake not to discourage this kind of behaviour when he witnessed her doing the same to Zoë. Oh well, payback's a bitch.

"So does that mean I can now have sex with my boyfriends in my room, too?"

There it was right on time. Cal coughed and almost swerved off the road, "No-o!" He sent her a deathglare.

"But won't that be a bit double-standard of you?" She challenged him.

"Gillian will sleep in the guest room." Cal lied.

Emily looked at him completely unimpressed. "Does she know you don't plan on consummating your relationship? She might want to know that before she says yes when you propose."

The light was red and Cal used the opportunity to turn his head and stare at his daughter. Was she for real?

"OK, Em. I get it. It's fun to rattle your old man about his love life but whether Gillian and I sleep with each other is none of your business. Besides, aren't you supposed to be grossed out by the thought of your parents having sex? What Gillian and I do concerns only us. We're both adults. You, on the other hand, are still my daughter and not even finished with school. You will not have sex in your bedroom as long as it is under my roof."

"Just askin'! It's a valid question after all. I mean with you and Gillian acting as my proper role models…" She grinned at him sweetly. Oh she was enjoying this way too much. Cal was amazed at how quickly she'd bounced back from her dark mood earlier; there was something to be said about the resilience of children and teenagers.

"Oi! Quiet you!" Cal grinned back.

"Will you marry Gill?"

Cal was quiet for a long moment. "I think my track record's spotty at best in this regard, love. Don't need no marriage license, can't buy you love or happiness that one." He said thoughtfully and then looked at her for emphasis, "That doesn't mean it won't work out for you. You should definitely be thirty and married before you have sex again. Make that fourty!"

Emily laughed out loud but looked at him serious again, "I think you should. Marry her."

"You think so, huh?"

"Of course, if she goes out and finds out who else is out there, you're screwed, dad!"

"So you're saying I should keep her on a tight leash and lock her up in the kitchen when I go to work?"

"Dad! No need to go all medieval!"

Cal laughed, "Tell you what, you'll be the first to know when Gill and I get engaged, ok? Until then, you let me and Gillian figure out how to make our relationship work. It wouldn't do me any good if I asked her now to marry me and she said yes and then three years from now we find out that we can't live together."

Emily pulled a face. "I hate to say it but that sounds very reasonable." Cal smiled triumphantly. "However, I can tell you now that you and Gill are made for each other. In fact, I bet you fifty bucks that you will get married and grow old together." She held out her hand, "Deal?"

Cal shook her hand readily, "Deal." Marrying Gill was worth more than fifty bucks.

"Oh and dad. No screwing this up." Emily looked at him seriously, "Not worth winning fifty bucks, ok?"

They'd finally reached Gillian's house. Cal had half expected Gillian to wait impatiently outside for them but in this cold it would have been insane. He killed the engine, quickly unbuckled and turned towards his daughter, who'd followed suit.

"I'll be quick. You stay put."

"I was just going to move to the back seat." Emily pointed backwards with her thumb.

"Oh!" Cal smiled, "That's nice but Gillian would be ok with you staying in the front, I'm sure." He said as he opened the door.

They both got out and Emily couldn't resist to tease her father again, "But how are you gonna hold hands all the way home if you're in the front and she's in the back." With that she threw the door close and moved to the back door.

Cal pointed his finger accusingly at his daughter, "You!" he went around the car, "Watch what you say. Don't overdo it." He opened the door for his daughter to get in, "or I'll let you drive while Gill and I make out on the backseat."

Emily opened her mouth for a comeback but Cal shut the door in her face. Teenagers! Emily watched her father rush up the steps to Gillian's door. Did he have a light skip in his step? She grinned. He knocked on her door and when she didn't immediately open he rang the doorbell.

Cal bounced on his feet – was it impatience or nervousness or just sheer excitement? He couldn't tell. And then she opened the door and flung herself into his arms and kissed him as if he was going off to war. Emily's eyes bulged out taking in the scene between her father and Gillian.

"Wow", Cal took a little step back, "what did I do to earn this welcome?"

"I love you, too, you idiot!" She moved in to kiss him again but Cal caught her chin and held her face up for a closer inspection.

"Oi! If that makes you cry, we're in trouble."