CHAPTER FOUR
"Oh, shit," I muttered.
Bella catapulted to her feet, her face red and angry.
"What the hell is the matter with you, Jacob?" she cried. "I thought we were friends! I was trying to help you, for goodness' sake! And you...what...experiment on me? Is that what that was?" She planted her hands on her hips and glared at me.
I jumped up quickly, mortified. As if I hadn't made enough of a mess of things already, now I managed to upset both Bella and Embry in one single stupid moment.
"I am so sorry, Bella," I grovelled. "I really am. I don't know what's wrong with me. Actually, I do. You're right; I thought if I kissed a girl, maybe...oh God, I don't know what to say, other than sorry, again. I'm an idiot. Can you please try to forgive me?"
Bella sighed heavily and stuffed her hands into her pockets.
"I suppose I can, because I'm your friend and I know you're screwed up right now. But don't ever think about doing anything like that again. I have a boyfriend. And I'm not a toy for you to play around with while you try to work out what you like or don't like."
"I know. I'm sorry," I said again, hanging my head.
I was an asshole. I was only surprised she hadn't hit me. I would have hit me if I'd been her. I probably would have hit me if I was Embry too. I groaned aloud and leaned against the car. I wanted to run after him, but I didn't know what to say to him. I couldn't think of anything that would make him feel better about what he just saw. Except maybe the truth and that would just be too awkward.
"So...did it actually tell you anything?" Bella asked me.
"What?"
"Kissing me. That was the point, wasn't it? To see if you liked it better than kissing Embry?"
I cringed. I couldn't even use the excuse of the beer this time.
"It didn't do anything for me," I confessed. Glad as I had been to see her a little while ago, now I just wanted her to leave so I could go and hide in my room and die of embarrassment.
"Well, that's a relief; at least you're not going to start stalking me or anything," Bella joked, then straightened her face. "Look, you're just going to have to get over yourself and talk to Embry. Presumably you want to sort this out with him."
"Yeah, but he's hardly going to want to listen to me, is he?" I sighed, looking back at the open door. Damnit. He had looked so hurt and I hated that it was me that had done that to him.
"Just leave it for a while," Bella said, sitting back down on the stool. "And try to think about something else in the meantime."
Yeah, I was really going to be able to do that. I dropped down to my knees to continue working on the car and was actually glad when Bella started talking about the Cullens. It didn't take my mind off my problems, but at least it gave me something else to think about at the same time.
She stayed with me until Charlie appeared in the late afternoon to say he was ready to go back to Forks and then we said goodbye and I went to my room and shut myself in. I picked up my cellphone and stared at it, wondering if I should call Embry. At least if I called him I wouldn't have to look at him. Then again he might not even answer and then I wouldn't know if it was because he wanted to avoid me or his phone was off or something. I scrolled down my list of contacts and stared at his name, my thumb hovering over the call button before I snapped the phone shut again. My heart was pounding and my palms were sweaty. I had no idea what I could say to him. I wasn't even sure what I wanted to achieve by talking to him. Make him feel better? Make me feel better? I remembered what it had felt like kissing him and I knew suddenly that I wanted to do it again.
The phone rang and vibrated in my hand and I jumped so hard it shot away from me and landed at the end of the bed where I was sprawling.
"Oh, shit," I whispered, staring at it at as if it might leap up and bite me.
It continued to jingle and twitch around on the quilt insistently and after a few more seconds I reached over and grabbed it. Embry's name was showing on the screen. I hesitated another moment and then answered quickly before I could change my mind. Just get it over with.
"Hey," I said, sounding somewhat strangled.
"Look, Jake, I know you probably don't want to talk to me right now after last night and...what happened since." He paused and I heard him gulp. "So I'm gonna make it easy for you. It was nothing, you know...fooling around after too many beers, that's all. So just forget about it."
"Em..." I felt awful. He sounded as upset as he had looked earlier and yet he was letting me off the hook, trying to save my feelings. I hated myself.
"Let's just leave it at that," he added before I could say anything else.
"Embry, I'm sorry," I said.
"Yeah, me too. I'll see you soon. Bye." He hung up before I could continue, although I didn't know what I would have said exactly. 'It wasn't a mistake? Can we give it another try?'
"Ugh!" I threw myself down again and buried my face in the pillow. If anything, I felt worse than I had before and I had no idea how to put it right.
Eventually I had to drag myself out of the room when Dad called out that dinner was ready. He had heated up some frozen lasagne and I picked at it half-heartedly, my stomach in a knot. I had always been hopeless at hiding my feelings and it took Dad about two minutes to ask what was wrong with me.
"Nothing, I must just be tired," I said. "I didn't sleep very well on the beach."
He stared hard at me, but then only suggested I get an early night and left it at that. I was back in my room by eight. I opened up my laptop and checked my messages. Half a dozen stupid spam emails and nothing more. I considered emailing Embry for about thirty seconds, which was as long as it took to convince myself it was a bad idea. He didn't want to talk to me; he'd made it clear enough he wanted to forget anything ever happened.
I put the computer away and went to bed. I spent a restless night, tossing and turning, dozing for short periods and then waking up, still anxious. By the time I got up to get ready for school I felt like hell and thought about pretending to be sick, but I knew if I put off going for another day I would only feel worse by Tuesday.
I left the house at eight-twenty and began to walk slowly in the direction of the school. The route took me past Quil's house and he always waited until he saw me and then came out to walk with me. Embry was usually there too and my legs started to feel weak with nerves as I headed down the street, but when I got closer to the house only Quil came out. My heart sank and I frowned. I was horribly disappointed not to see Embry.
"Hey," Quil said. "Embry's not going to school today."
"Why?"
"He's pretending to be sick."
"What makes you think he's pretending?" I asked, my guts clenching as we started to walk down the road.
"Wild guess. What happened at the bonfire exactly?"
I glanced at him in horror. "What do you mean? What did he say to you?"
"Not a word, but something obviously went on. He's a mess. I saw him last night and now you're acting all weird and guilty."
"I kissed him," I blurted out and then squeezed my eyes shut for a second and cringed. 'Why the hell did I say that? Couldn't I at least keep that to myself?'
"What?" gasped Quil. "Why would you do that? You know he likes you."
"I was drunk!" I cried, furious with myself for letting my tongue go flapping away without thought. I walked slower, staring at the ground in front of me and Quil matched my pace.
"That's no excuse. I don't go around kissing guys just because I've had a few beers; you must have wanted to."
"Look, Quil, just leave it, will you?" I begged. I could see myself losing both my friends over this, the way things were going. I was lucky I hadn't lost Bella as well.
"No, I won't leave it. Both you and Embry have been my friends practically my whole life and I don't want to see you fighting, or avoiding each other, or whatever the hell it is you're doing. So what else did you do other than kiss him? You must have done something because he looks like someone died."
"I kissed Bella," I said with a sigh. At this point I didn't think I could possibly make things any worse by finishing the story. "And Embry saw."
"Oh, you stupid jerk," Quil said. I glanced sideways at him and he was glaring. "I thought she was seeing someone?"
"She is," I groaned. "She was mad as hell."
"Have you spoken to Embry since?" he asked, shaking his head, probably in disbelief.
"I tried. He called me and told me to forget anything happened."
"You know he's only saying that to make things easier for you, right?"
"Yeah. Which makes me feel even shittier."
"So what are you going to do about it?"
"Hell if I know," I mumbled.
"Maybe you should work out what you actually want; that might be a start," Quil said.
"I know what I want," I said under my breath. I wanted to make things right with Embry, somehow. I wanted to grovel, tell him I was jerk, that it was him I liked, wrap my arms around him...
"Jake! Jesus!" Quil yanked on my arm, dragging me sideways out of the path of a truck and I looked at him in shock. "Get a hold of yourself," he told me.
"I'm trying. I'm...I'm not going to school," I stammered.
"Great. I suppose I'm going to have to cover for you, am I? What are you going to do?"
"I'm going to see Embry."
"Don't," said Quil. "Leave him alone. You'll only fuck with his head even more than you already have."
"What is leaving him alone going to achieve except to make both of us feel like shit even longer? I can at least talk to him; try and explain, or something."
"Well, good luck. Don't be surprised if he doesn't want to talk. You know what he's like; he'd rather brush things under the carpet than deal with them."
"Yeah, so would I usually, but I've got to try. I'll talk to you later."
Quil just shrugged. "Suit yourself. I have to go, I'll be late."
I stood still for a minute and watched him continue towards school alone, catching up with some other kids. Paul and Jared appeared and seemed to be teasing him, each giving him a shove and laughing. I pulled my tie off and stuffed it into my jacket pocket, then turned away and set off in the direction of Embry's house. His Mom would already have left for work by now so he should be alone.
It took me about five minutes to get to Embry's house and I noticed his Mom's car was missing from the drive so she had indeed gone to work. I stepped up onto the porch, shaking with nerves.
"Get a grip, for God's sake," I said aloud.
I reached up and punched the doorbell before I could think about it any longer and then waited, chewing my lip and hoping he wasn't going to ignore me. Two or three minutes passed and the door didn't open, nor did I hear any sound. I rang the bell again and almost held my breath. Maybe he had seen me through the window and didn't want to talk to me. Damnit.
"Come on, Embry," I muttered. A moment later the door swung open.
"Jacob!" He was wearing jeans and a sweater, his hair wet indicating he had been in the shower. He looked pale and his eyes were tired as if he hadn't slept well; just like me. "What are you doing here?" he asked.
"I wanted to talk to you."
"You'll be late for school."
"The hell with school."
"Look, I'm not feeling too good; didn't Quil say I was sick?"
"He said you were pretending to be sick," I said, trying a smile.
"Damn him." He sighed heavily.
"Can I come in? Please?"
"I don't know, I'd rather just be alone right now."
"Please, Em," I begged.
"Ok," he said after a short pause.
He stepped back to let me pass, then closed the door and led the way into the living room. He sat down at one end of the sofa, his back against the arm, feet up on the next cushion and arms folded. I didn't really know much about body language, but I knew his was telling me to keep my distance. I sat down at the opposite end of the sofa and dumped my school backpack on the carpet next to me, then shrugged out of my jacket.
"You know you'll probably get detention for skipping school," Embry said.
"I don't care. It's more important that I talk to you since I fucked things up so badly," I blurted out.
"Didn't it occur to you that I might not want to talk about it?" Embry said. "I did tell you to just forget it."
"Yeah, I know." I dragged a hand through my hair and avoided his eyes. "But I was a complete jerk and I wanted to explain."
"You don't have to. I get it. We were drunk, sleepy, I started it and I shouldn't have done. You didn't know what you were doing and then you kissed Bella to convince yourself it was only the beer. It's fine."
"It's not fine," I said at once. "And it wasn't like that at all."
"So what was it like then? Are you seeing Bella?"
"No! She's got a boyfriend. One of those weird Cullen guys. She was pretty pissed at me for experimenting on her."
"What?" Embry's eyebrows rose.
"She's just my friend, that's all. I told her what happened at the bonfire because I was freaking out about it and that's the only reason I kissed her; to...um...see if it felt any different. I know that was a pretty shitty thing to do, to both of you."
I got up suddenly and shifted myself onto the next cushion until I was almost sitting on his feet.
"I'm really sorry, Embry," I added.
He unfolded his arms and rested his hands on his knees instead, his head down.
"So, did it feel any different? Bella compared to me?"
"Yeah; I didn't feel anything with her," I said honestly.
He looked up and met my eyes, licked his lower lip and then sank his teeth into it. I remembered how I had felt kissing him and I longed to do it again, but I wasn't going to get near him, the way he was sitting. I hesitated briefly and then lifted my hand and rested it over one of his instead. He just stared back at me and then after a moment he turned his hand over slowly and his fingers curled around mine. Then that little quirky smile appeared and I smiled back, squeezing his hand tighter, enormously relieved.
"So what now?" I asked.
"Let's just leave things like they are for the moment," Embry said. "You don't really know how you feel, do you?"
"I do," I protested.
"Please, Jake."
"Ok. Anything you want." Right then I would have agreed to anything if it made him happy. I never wanted to see him looking the way he had when he saw me kissing Bella again.