CHAPTER ELEVEN
I didn't understand why Embry had suddenly taken to spending time with Paul and Jared. I hadn't even been aware he knew them that well, but I did know that he found Paul intimidating. So why was he suddenly hanging out with them and half naked too? It only added more confusion to that I was already feeling. Did he like one of them maybe? I was pretty sure Paul and Jared were both straight, but then Embry had thought I was once; it didn't stop him liking me and eyeing me from a distance. I agonised over it for the rest of the day although I didn't say anything to Quil about what I was thinking. I confided in Bella instead.
She drove over the next day in the beat up old truck Charlie had bought her and revealed that she had brought with her two dead motorcycles she had picked up from a wreckers yard. She was still miserable and wanted a project to take her mind off of it; well, a project for me to do while she watched. I teased her about it and then considered how to get the bikes out of the truck. I guessed if I dropped the tailgate down I could just drag them out. Falling three feet to the ground wasn't going to damage them any more than they already were. I decided to test the weight first though and grabbed hold of one of them. It didn't weigh half as much as I expected and I lifted it out of the truck, wondering for a moment if it was missing its engine, but quickly noticing it wasn't. Weird. Bella joked about my apparent sudden muscle growth and I brushed it off, but I did think it curious. It hardly seemed any time at all since I had been looking in the mirror thinking I ought to start working out, trying to catch up with Embry, and suddenly I was...buff, Bella had said. She wasn't looking and I glanced down at myself, flexing one arm. My biceps and the muscles in my forearms bulged under the fabric of the sweatshirt I was wearing and my eyes widened. I pulled the front of the shirt up and looked down, immediately seeing perfectly defined abs - eight, just like Embry's. When did that happen exactly? I hadn't even seen them when I had showered, but I had been so distressed over the past week and a half, I doubted I would have noticed if one of my arms had been amputated.
Bella was saying something and I forgot about it, dropping my shirt quickly and pushing the bike towards the shed to start work. The project, I knew, was going to be a Godsend. It was exactly the type of thing I loved - fixing up a dead vehicle and making it live again - and it was going to give me something to focus on, help me take my mind off the fact that Embry was cavorting about on the beach with Paul and Jared. I growled under my breath, angry rather than hurt at that moment. Even that surprised me. It took a lot to make me even a tiny bit angry.
"What's wrong, Jake?" Bella asked. "Is it Embry?"
"Yeah." I sat down with a sigh beside the bike to start stripping it down and told her what had been happening since I last spoke to her. She was shocked to hear that Embry had broken up with me and started spending his time with Sam Uley's gang.
"Aren't they those guys who cliff-dive?" she asked. "I've seen them, they're crazy."
"Yeah. That's them. Seems like suddenly Embry would rather be with them than me."
I spent the rest of the day working on the bike, Bella and I talking constantly and trying to stick to more cheerful subjects, but Embry and Edward continually returned to the conversation and if I looked anything like she did, I guessed I probably looked like I wanted to curl up and die.
The next week at school was no different. I spent most of my time with Quil, while Embry hung out with Paul and Jared, although he continued to sit by me when we were in the same classes. I tried talking to him a few times, but although he responded he was cool towards me. At least what he said and the way he said it were cool - on the rare occasions when he met my eyes he still looked as if he wanted to throw himself into my arms and I only grew more confused.
On Saturday Bella came over early again to work on the bikes and a couple of hours later, to my intense surprise, Quil and Embry turned up. Embry seemed pretty reluctant, as if he would rather be anywhere else than in my shed and I wondered if he even thought about what had happened between us in there any more. He looked uncomfortable and hot and after a few minutes pulled off the thin sweatshirt he was wearing to reveal a sleeveless t-shirt underneath and...a tattoo.
"What the fuck is that?" Quil exclaimed at once. "Sorry, Bella. Foul mouth." He turned to Embry again. "You got a tattoo?"
"It's nothing. Just a tribal thing."
Embry looked at his feet and I continued to stare. Why the hell would he get a tattoo? And what tattooist who valued his business would tattoo a fifteen-year-old kid? Not that Embry looked fifteen any more. Damn Sam Uley and his cohorts; they were turning Embry into a copy of themselves. If only he would talk to me properly; even if we could be proper friends again it would better than this. I eyed Quil pleadingly and unusually for him he took the hint quickly, surreptitiously elbowed Bella and disappeared outside with her after a moment. Embry glanced after them anxiously and then turned to look at me although he didn't speak. He didn't seem to know what to say to me.
"Why are you hanging out with those two jerks?" I blurted out.
I felt a brief pulse of anger again and my temperature rose. I peeled off my own sweatshirt, thinking that I really needed to get some more clothes. The t-shirt I was wearing underneath was so tight now, stretched over my pecs and shoulders, the short sleeves pinching my biceps. I saw Embry's eyes widen and he bit his lip. I wasn't even sure he had heard what I said.
"You said you wanted things to be like they used to be," I added.
He flushed and stuffed his hands into his jeans pockets. "I did...do."
"It doesn't seem like it. You're practically turning into one of them. I miss you, Em." I didn't mean to say that, it just slipped out.
"I miss you too," Embry said, barely above a whisper. He met my eyes properly for the first time in what seemed like ages and my heart skipped. He still had feelings for me. His eyes were warm with it and it was written all over his face. We just stared at each other for a long moment and I wanted to say something else; anything that might make him come back to me, but the only thing that came into my mind was 'I love you' and somehow I was sure it would send him running. So I said nothing and simply held his eyes until he eventually dropped them away.
"Spend some time with me," I said softly. "Just friends, if that's what you want."
"I..." He licked his lips nervously. "I can't, Jake, I'm sorry, I've got stuff to do."
"Like what?"
"Just stuff. Sorry. Look, I better go. I'll see you at school."
He turned and walked out of the shed leaving me crushed - again. Coupled with anger it burned through me and I leaped to my feet, the wrench I was holding flying out of my hand and hitting the wall a second later.
"Fuck!" I growled. Rage overtook pain and I snatched up something else to throw. As it hit the wall in almost the same place as the wrench, Quil and Bella appeared in the doorway.
"Jake, what happened?" Quil asked.
"Nothing!"
"What did Embry say?"
"Nothing!" I roared. "He fucking said nothing! It was his eyes that were saying it and he still fucking walks away from me!"
"Woah, buddy, calm down," said Quil, taking a tentative step towards me. "What's gotten into you? You never lose it like this."
"Well, maybe I'm just sick of being fucked with!"
I was panting, sweat pouring off me and soaking my t-shirt and I glanced from Quil to Bella and back again. Both looked pretty alarmed and I tried to make myself relax. What the hell was wrong with me? I was burning up and I felt as if I was about to explode into a thousand pieces. I could never remember being this angry about anything and it scared the shit out of me. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply for a moment, then opened them again, pulled off my wet t-shirt and used it to wipe my face and arms as best I could. I dropped it on the ground and put my sweatshirt back on.
"I'm sorry, guys, I really am," I said. "I don't know what got into me."
"You still love him. It's ok." Bella came to me and wrapped her arms around my waist, hugging me, apparently unconcerned about me being so furious and sweaty. "I'm so sorry."
They stayed with me all day. I went into the house briefly to take a shower and put on some fresh clothes, then ordered pizza for lunch. Surprisingly I had a huge appetite all of a sudden and gobbled up more than half the sixteen inch loaded pizza before Quil and Bella had got through two slices each. I noticed them exchanging glances a couple of times, but I didn't really blame them. They must think I was nuts losing it like that, sweating like a pig, swearing and throwing things and suddenly wanting to eat until I almost made myself sick.
Bella came back on Sunday to spend the day with me again and we worked on the bikes until mid-afternoon, then went for a quick drive in the Rabbit. It had only taken me eight lessons to be completely road legal and despite my misery I was keen to take her out in the car. We drove along the cliff road and as we rounded the bend I spotted four figures in the distance, wearing only shorts, fooling around on the edge of the drop.
"Oh, God." I parked the car up and got out. Bella joined me.
"Is that Sam Uley and his friends?" she asked.
"Yeah. And Embry's with them. I can't believe he's doing this. All of it. Hanging out with them, the tattoo and...oh, shit!"
I watched in horror as Embry sprang backwards off the edge of the cliff, somersaulted and hurtled towards the water below. I ran to the edge and looked over, my heart in my mouth. He was down there, floating on his back and waving.
"Come on, you pussies!" he yelled.
Embry would never say that. Not in a million years. I felt like I didn't even know him any more. Sam was turning him into another one of his disciples and I couldn't do anything to stop it. I turned away and walked back to the car.
The next few weeks followed in much the same way. I saw Embry at school, but he kept a wall up between us most of the time. There were still times when he met my eyes and I could swear I saw love there, but he always looked away quickly and then avoided me for a while. I spent a lot of time hanging out with Quil after school and every weekend with Bella, finishing the bikes and comforting each other over our respective heartaches. It didn't get any better for either of us. Bella said she still felt as if part of her was missing and that without Edward, that hole inside her was never going to be filled. It was the same for me. I almost felt as if Embry had reached into my chest, grabbed my heart in his fist and crushed it. I couldn't move on. Every time he stared at me with that look in his eyes, I just knew it wasn't over.
Dad questioned me a few times about what was going on with me and I knew the change in me was obvious. My sulky bad temper, the muscle growth, the fact that I spent more time with Bella than anyone else when it had always been Embry and Quil I was with every spare minute. I told Dad that was because I was trying to cheer Bella up after her loss of Edward, but it didn't explain to him the other changes in me. A couple of days after that, he tried to persuade me to extend my circle of friends a little and suggested I spend time with Paul and Jared.
"What? I'm not interested in them, they're a pair of meat-heads!" I exclaimed. I wasn't sure if he knew Embry had become part of their little gang or not, but he didn't mention it and nor did I. I was just astonished that he would even try to push me towards guys I thought most parents would have preferred me to avoid.
Finally on the first weekend in March I decided to try one more time to do something about the situation with Embry. Talk to him, away from everyone else, somehow make him be honest with me. I asked Quil to help me out; to find out when Embry was going to be home without his Mom being there and let me know. Quil called me on the Saturday afternoon, right after I put the bikes back in the shed after having banned Bella from ever riding again. They were finished and we had tried riding, but rather than be careful and take it slow, she shot off down the road, took a spill and cut her head. Horrified, I told her bike riding was over for her and that if she wanted to hang out with me, we would find something else to do. I drove her truck to Forks, concerned she might not be fit to drive with the lump on her head, then caught a bus back to La Push and went home. My cell rang as I walked in the door.
"Embry's Mom's gone to Seattle overnight again," Quil said. "He's home right now, I saw him come back a minute ago."
"What are you doing, staking out his house?" I asked.
"Yeah, something like that," laughed Quil.
"Ok, thanks. I'll go over there."
Five minutes later I was knocking on the door. Embry opened it after a few moments. He was wearing only cargo pants, his upper body damp with sweat. Much to my surprise, his eyes lit up and he grinned.
"Hey," I said, smiling back. "How are you?"
"Um..." The grin vanished as quickly as it had appeared and he dropped his eyes away from mine. Damnit. "I'm ok," he added.
"Can I talk to you?"
He hesitated again, chewing his lip, then stepped sideways out of the way.
"Yeah. Come in."
I walked past him and he closed the door, then followed me into the living room.
"Not with Sam and his gang today, then?" I commented.
"No. They're not that bad, you know, Jake, maybe you should just come over and hang out with them," he said.
"I don't think so."
"Sam's pretty keen to meet you."
"What? Why?" I frowned. "What is it with everybody? My Dad suggested I spend some time with Paul and Jared not long ago. I'm not interested in being part of your new gang, Embry, I just want to be with you."
"I know. I'm sorry," he said.
"It seems to me like you're saying one thing and wanting something else," I said, moving towards him. "Your eyes tell me the opposite to what comes out of your mouth."
"Don't."
Embry backed away until he bumped into the wall. He glanced up again, as nervous as I'd ever seen him. He was breathing fast, lips parted slightly, his eyes darting about and doing their best to avoid mine. I had to try something; I was so sure that he still wanted me. Maybe I was just going to fuck things up even more than they already were, but it was worth a try. I took another step closer and this time, with the wall at his back, he had nowhere to go. I lifted my hand to touch his face, trying to make him look at me, but he half closed his eyes and turned his head a little to the side. He was trembling and I leaned closer.
"Tell me, honestly, that you really don't want this," I murmured, brushing my lips against his ear.
"Jacob..."
"Tell me."
I kissed his neck, right beneath his ear lobe and he whimpered and shivered. I put my other hand on his waist, slid it around to his back and pulled him against my body. I could feel his heart hammering against my chest, his dick stiffening in the loose pants, but still he tried to deny it.
"Please, Jake, don't, I can't do this."
I had no idea why. His body wanted me to keep doing what I was doing, but he was fighting it. It didn't make sense and I ignored what he was saying and went with the reaction I was getting from him. I covered his mouth with mine, thrusting my tongue in, tasting, exploring, holding him tighter against me until suddenly he melted and began to kiss me back. He slid his arms up around my neck, pressing himself against me, responding to me almost desperately as if he had been longing for me to kiss him since the last time right after my birthday seven weeks ago. I began to manoeuvre him out of the room and towards his bedroom, our lips still clinging, little whimpers and groans coming from Embry's throat as I slid my hands down to his butt, holding him so that he could feel how hard I was; how much I wanted him.
We fell onto the bed and I didn't even bother to undress properly. I unfastened Embry's pants and pulled them off with one hand while I continued kissing him, bruising his lips with mine, biting at his neck, then unzipping my jeans quickly and pulling my erection out of my underwear. I glanced around me, spotted lube on the bed table and reached out for it. Embry's eyes opened slowly and he looked up at me, his pupils so widely dilated that the dark chocolate irises were completely obscured.
"Jacob..."
"Sshh." I slicked lube onto myself, pushing his legs apart with my knee.
"We have to stop." He placed one hand on my chest as if to push me away.
"Tell me...that you don't want me," I panted. He was going to say no to me now? When everything about him was begging for it?
"I..." He closed his eyes again. "I can't." His hand slid up my chest to my neck, rather than push me away.
I guided myself into him, an inch at a time, gently until I was all the way in and he stopped protesting, folding both arms and legs around me as I began to fuck him, carefully at first and then harder as he dug his nails into my back through my shirt, his teeth nipping at my neck, his body thrusting up against mine.
"Oh, God...yes..." he groaned.
I tucked one hand under him, lifting him so I could get just another half inch deeper and with only a couple more thrusts I came, spurting into him, feeling his own cum on my stomach. Then I lay still, letting my weight sink slowly onto him and opening my eyes. His head was turned to the side and his face was wet with tears. My heart clenched and I was filled with alarm. He was crying? It didn't look like tears of pleasure either; his expression was agonised. I pulled out of him slowly and slid off him, resting my hand lightly on his stomach.
"Oh, Jesus, Em, did I hurt you?" I gasped. I was horrified.
"No," he whispered and rolled away from me, curling up on his side, his tears beginning to soak the pillow. "Please, Jacob...you have to go. Please."
I stayed there another minute, shocked, hurt, disbelieving. I knew he loved me; I knew it. I could feel it in every look he gave me, in his kiss, in the way he wrapped himself around me, but already he regretted it and I felt sick. Why couldn't he tell me what was wrong? I slid off the bed slowly and fastened my jeans, almost feeling as if I had assaulted him. I couldn't think of a single word to say to him and I slowly walked out of the room and made my way to the front door. I opened it and stepped out and a second before I closed it again behind me, I heard him begin to sob.