Title : The 'Were'withal To Think Outside the Box
Fandom : The Losers
Characters : Team
Rating : PG-13
Disclaimer : All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.
Written for the occasion of kyoikan's birthday. Happy Birthday, hun.
Author's Note : This story is a sequel to 'Were' Do We Go From Here?
The 'Were'withal to Think Outside The Box
"So, bro, can you change any time you want or is it just a full moon thing?"
Jensen ignored Pooch's question and carried on tapping at his laptop.
"Should we get anything special in for you to eat?" Jensen was certain he could hear the laughter behind the words. He glowered at the screen in front of him. He hated this, really hated the way everyone forgot how useful he was and just focussed on the whole six foot 180 pound man into itty bitty furball.
"We could get you a wheel or one of those balls if you wanted."
He looked up. "You think I haven't heard all the jokes before? You think you're coming up with something new?"
Pooch stared back at him, then said straight-faced, "They were questions, Jay. Somebody needs to look out for you at the best of times because you forget to eat. I was just asking if there was anything extra we needed to consider to make sure that you, as a much-valued team member, are cared for appropriately."
Jensen felt a sudden surge of guilt and met Pooch's eyes with an apologetic glance. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I guess I'm just too used to people taking the piss out of me about it, you know."
Pooch nodded seriously, then, as he turned away, he said, "After all MREs are bad enough, but if we need to carry Hamster mix as well, we should be prepared. We can't have our incy wincy teeny weeny little splodge of fur getting hungry and not being able to keep up now, can we?"
He left the room laughing loudly and Jensen growled turning back to his laptop angrily. "I should have known better. Really! I should have known better!"
***** THE LOSERS *****
He had expected better of Jolene, he really had. Jolene's Sunday lunch was awesome. Something he only needed to think about briefly to be positively salivating. So here they all were, sitting around her table as she laid out the food and what was put in front of him? A bag of trail mix. He wanted to say something really impolite at this point, but instead he bit his tongue and kept quiet hoping she was only joking, after all, it wasn't like she was giving Cougar a tin of cat food now, was it? It had to be a joke. He promised himself it was a joke. Jolene wouldn't be that cruel.
Jolene set a plate of gorgeously steaming. perfectly roasted beef and vegetables in front of Roque who was sitting next to Jensen and then she turned to him, raised her eyes at the bag of trail mix, then turned to her husband and said, "You are an inconsiderate pain in the ass!"
Jensen felt some of the tension leave him and his shoulders dropped a fraction. Jolene carried on, "Jake is a guest in our home and you are so lazy that you can't even be bothered to open his lunch and put it in a dish for him!"
His face fell, disappointment roared through him. Even Jolene was part of the conspiracy to torment him whenever possible. Part of him wanted to curl up and crawl away, but he just sat there and waited till the laughter round the table died down and Pooch replaced his bag of trail mix with a plate of proper roast dinner.
***** THE LOSERS *****
Cougar was the only other person in the house and Jensen knew he was upstairs in his room, in all likelihood cleaning his rifle, or one of his other guns. They had arrived back from a 'normal' mission very late the previous evening. It was nothing extravagant, a simple extraction. Well, as simple as an extraction could be.
Everyone else had headed out first thing in the morning, Pooch and Roque on supply runs and Clay to see his superiors. Jensen had nothing specific to do, but with the approach of another full moon in a few days, he knew it was about time he talked with Cougar, or at Cougar, if the man was as reticent as he normally was.
He climbed the stairs wearily and rapped on Cougar's door. "Come in," came the sound of Cougar from inside.
"Hey, Cougs . . ." Jensen began as he opened the door. "How're you? Feeling good? No urge to kill me and eat me yet?"
Cougar gave a half-smile and raised an eyebrow and Jensen wondered if that didn't mean what he'd been assuming it meant all this time and rather than indicating vague amusement, Cougar was actually saying that he had every intention of eating Jensen as soon as either he got the opportunity or Jensen irritated him enough, whichever came first.
"Can we talk?" Jensen asked doubtfully.
Cougar waved him in and to the only seat in the room, shifting himself to the edge of the bed and leaving the gun he'd been working on in pieces on the desktop beside the chair. "Is everything okay?" Jensen could hear the concern in Cougar's voice.
"Yeah, just . . . you know . . . the whole 'were' thing . . . do you think we can make it work? As a team or well, even just the you and me aspect? Without you eating me or I dunno something else like that. Can we?"
"Of course."
"Just I . . . I'm not sure the rest of the team feel that way." Jensen bit his lip.
"No one has a problem with it," Cougar's reply was simple.
"Are you sure? I mean they – they don't stop talking about it. Teasing me about it. I don't think they have any faith in me being able to do my job."
"Yes, they do. The Boss wouldn't have kept us both if he didn't believe we could make it work." Cougar looked expectantly at Jensen, waiting for him to acknowledge the truth in the words. "The teasing – it is no different to before. They teased you before about your laptop, your candy, your t-shirts. Why would they not tease you about your 'were'?"
Jensen relaxed and nodded, "Yeah, I guess that's true."
"No harm is meant."
***** THE LOSERS *****
Jensen could feel the approach of the full moon. It would start a day or two before the actual full moon and if he was busy it was easier to ignore the side-effects. When he had nothing to particularly occupy him it was harder to ignore the urge to sleep more during the day, to want to be on his own and hoard food even though every time he realized what he was doing he would put it all back and hope that no one else had noticed its absence in the meantime. He figured at least he'd so far managed to avoid the hamster-like tendency to stuff his face with ridiculous amounts of food.
He padded round his bedroom, collecting all of his blankets and his sleeping bag and piling everything on to the bed before beginning to create a burrow. A noise from downstairs was enough to make him pause and edge towards the door to try and hear what was going on down there. He really hoped they weren't going to be sent on a mission. He and Cougar hadn't really got used to each other yet and this was not far enough in advance for him to do whatever technical stuff needed doing beforehand to get it ready so he could access it in hamster-form.
He'd be expected to go and join the others soon. He glanced back at his bed, saw the half made burrow and cringed. How on earth was he supposed to stop the others teasing him when he did crap like this without realizing? He ran a hand down his face, before moving back to remake the bed in some semblance of military fashion. He didn't pack everything away, left enough extra layers on his bed that he would be able to make a minimalist burrow when he came back later.
***** THE LOSERS *****
Jensen made his way downstairs quickly at Clay's call, pausing in the doorway to look at Cougar was curled up in a chair with his feet tucked under him, combing out his hair. For just an instant, Jensen was reminded of a cat cleaning its fur, then Cougar looked up and caught his eye and the thought skittered away.
There was no sign of Roque and Pooch was banging around in the kitchen, probably making everyone coffee. "Sit down, Jensen," Clay said, waving in the direction of a seat. "This is what we're going to be doing for the next few days. Roque has gone on ahead to set everything up. You two are going to work together now," he said, gesturing between Cougar and Jensen, "And figure out how to infiltrate the building on the map and retrieve the required data from the laptop inside which will be password protected but will not require fingerprints or voice activation. Obviously this isn't a real situation, but everything will be as stated plus a few surprises to see how well you can work together."
Jensen looked at Cougar, who just shrugged in return.
"The two of you need to use your 'weres' as assets, working for the team, and Roque and I will be analyzing your performance. Consider it training and part of your performance review. We leave tomorrow at thirteen hundred hours. Pack whatever you need and make sure it's given to Pooch to load up before you change. He won't be responsible for anything left behind if he's not informed in advance – even if whatever vital piece of equipment was sitting right next to the rest of your stuff. Clear?"
Jensen and Cougar both nodded.
"Any questions?" Clay finished.
Cougar cleared his throat, "City or country environment?"
"Country," Clay confirmed.
Cougar nodded, then asked, "Will I be allowed to hunt or do I need to pack provisions?" The final word held a distinct sneer as if he couldn't think of anything worse than carrying provisions with him.
Clay raised an eyebrow, as he replied, "So long as you get the job done and you're not hunting Jensen, you can hunt."
Jensen was almost certain that the next sound out of Cougar's mouth was actually some sort of cross between a purr and meow, as if he was delighted at the prospect, but then Cougar added, "Not Jensen, he's too scrawny to be a meal. He would just be an appetizer." Cougar winked at Jensen and smirked.
Jensen wasn't entirely sure how to respond to that and elected to say, "At least I'm only the small one for three days a month!"
Cougar laughed, "I notice you said small, not scrawny!" Jensen flushed with embarrassment. Cougar was still laughing as he stood up and headed for the stairs. "I'll go and pack now," he said as he left.
"Jensen," Clay stopped him just before he stood up to leave. "When you travel, do you need a cage or anything?"
"A cage?" Jensen huffed in annoyance. "I'm not an ACTUAL hamster, you do know that, right? I'm a werehamster. There's a difference!"
"I'm sure there is. For a start I wouldn't be taking an ACTUAL hamster on maneuvers, now would I?" Clay confirmed drily. "It's up to you to tell us what you need. I could throw you in the back seat and let you slide around all you like as Pooch drives round corners, if that's how you prefer to travel, or you could tell me what you need to get to the destination in one piece."
"Oh, um . . . I guess . . . um . . . what does Cougar do? I don't want a cage but maybe something to confine the sliding around. I . . . erm . . . I used to travel in a pouch round a team mate's neck. It was a bit bouncy but it stopped them forgetting me more often than not."
"Trust me, we're not going to forget you! Cougar has a basket that fits behind Pooch's seat. There might be room in there for you too . . ."
"Isn't that like putting too much temptation in his way?"
"Cougar has self control and anyway like he said, you're one scrawny ass hamster."
"I don't want him to squash me," Jensen objected.
"He wouldn't, but fine we'll figure something out and find you something suitable. Now take these," he said holding out the 'mission' details to Jensen, "And go pack and plan with Cougar."
***** THE LOSERS *****
By the time they were getting into Pooch's car the following day, both Cougar and Jensen had already shifted. Cougar had, much to Jensen's apparent disgust, decided that his team-mate needed to be fetched by him and while Clay and Pooch had been busy loading up the rest of their supplies, Cougar had dashed upstairs, slipping round the slightly-ajar door to Jensen's room and eyeing the hamster which appeared to be almost dancing across the keyboard.
He tensed and then sprang up to land beside the laptop on the desk, mewing at Jensen, who glared up at him with a single, distinctly annoyed squeak. The cat stared intently for a few seconds as the hamster resumed its tripping steps across the keys, then with a huff, Cougar batted the hamster towards the power button.
Jensen turned and stared back, before spitting a single sunflower seed unerringly in the direction of the Cougar, who almost fell off the edge of the desk in surprise at the unexpected projectile. Cougar's hackles rose and he hissed at the hamster for an instant before stalking proudly forward, picking the hamster up in its mouth and dropping it directly over the power button.
The hamster landed with each of its paws placed just off the button and squeaked angrily. The cat just lifted a paw and held it in place, until finally Jensen conceded and powered down the laptop, at which point Cougar purred contentedly.
Both animals looked in the direction of the door as they heard Clay's footsteps climbing the stairs. As Clay pushed the door further open, Jensen's attention turned to his superior and while he was distracted, Cougar opened his mouth, snatched the hamster back up and swiftly jumped off the table, running between Clay's legs and out of the door. "Cougar!" Clay called. "Sneaky little bastard. Don't hurt Jensen before we've even left! It's not going to get you out of doing this!"
Cougar didn't stop, just ignored both Clay's shouts and the hamster's squeaks as he sprinted down the stairs and out through the door before pausing just out of reach of Pooch. He watched Pooch's movements for a moment or two, then stepped forward, carefully winding his way round Pooch's ankles, weaving in and out of his legs and rubbing his head against Pooch's shins. "Hey buddy," Pooch greeted. "Do you want me to open the door for you so you can get in and settle down?" Cougar affectionately rubbed his head against Pooch's leg again, as if to confirm Pooch's suggestion.
As soon as the door was open, the cat sprang inside, pacing round and round in its basket before suddenly stopping and eyeing a particular spot. Pooch watched him, smiling. "You are such a drama queen, dude! Just lie down."
Cougar patted at the padding until he seemed satisfied before dropping the hamster down and pinning it in place with one paw and regarding it carefully, head tilted to one side.
"Shit! That's Jensen! What are you doing with Jensen, Cougs?" As Pooch bent down and reached forward to rescue the hamster, Cougar hissed and batted at his hand, only unsheathing his claws at the last instant as a warning before he withdrew his paw again. Cougar leaned over the hamster and began to lick its fur back into place, eyes still focused on glaring at Pooch.
Once he seemed satisfied with the hamster's appearance, Cougar settled down and curled round him possessively, giving Pooch one final hiss of warning before purring at Jensen, then closing his eyes.
Jensen looked up at Pooch, eyes wide and frantic. Pooch crouched down, leaning in cautiously as Jensen started to extricate himself from Cougar's paws, only for the cat to open his eyes, giving a warning mew, then pulling the hamster closer to him like it was a recalcitrant kitten. "I think you're there for the duration, dude, but he's not gonna hurt you. It's probably a softer, safer ride than you'd have had in a box of your own."
Jensen's eyes were still pleading, so Pooch tried a different tack with Cougar, stroking him carefully and gently trying to encourage him to fall asleep and at first it seemed to be working, then all of a sudden it was as if Cougar worked out what his plan was and his eyes cracked open, settling on Pooch disdainfully, before purring at Jensen and licking the top of his head gently.
Jensen clearly gave up all hope of being rescued from the mortification at that point or at least came to the decision that Cougar didn't actually intend to eat him for the time being, so instead of trying to get away, he struggled to turn round a couple of times before burrowing under Cougar's front paws and settling in as if to sleep himself.
As Pooch stood up, Clay came through the front door with Jensen's laptop and kitbag. "You seen Cougar?" he asked. "Little bugger nicked Jensen and ran off when I went upstairs to get him."
Pooch pointed to the basket and Clay looked into see the two animals curled in apparent contentment sleeping, although just before he turned away, Cougar's eye opened and looked at him as if the cat were saying, "And? You had an opinion? Or maybe a plan? Mine was better, clearly."
"It's a good job you're so fucking good at your job the rest of the month or I'd have you on report!" Clay growled in his direction, before turning back to pack the rest of Jensen's things in the trunk before locking the house up and joining Pooch in the front of the car ready for the journey.
***** THE LOSERS *****
When they arrived at their destination, Clay said nothing but opened the trunk as Pooch opened the rear door to the car and crouched down to wake the occupants of the basket behind his seat up. "Hey, Cougs, come on, we're here, dude. " The cat shook itself awake, nudging Jensen in the process, who also began to stir awake.
When Pooch reached into lift Jensen out, Cougar batted his hand away, looking down tenderly at the hamster before carefully picking him up and jumping out of the car nimbly.
Clay was just setting down a small dish of food for Jensen as Cougar sidled up to him, weaving between his legs. "Oh, I see, you want something now, do you? And you're expecting something from me after that little game before we left in which you ran off with my tech?"
Cougar set Jensen down carefully at Clay's feet and gave a single long lick from his ears right down his back. Clay shook his head and bent down to pick up Jensen and check him over. "Are you okay, Jensen? I mean, I know you're going to have to get used to this, but he wasn't supposed to have done that to you." He ran a finger down the length of Jensen's back as if to reassure him before picking up the small dish he'd been filling before and watching as Jensen began to rummage through the food inside, carefully selecting a few particular seeds and stuffing them in his mouth. Clay knelt down and set both the hamster and the dish on the floor together before standing back up and reaching into the trunk again and coming up with the water bottle Jensen had set aside for him to be able to drink out of.
Cougar meanwhile had leaped onto the side of the trunk and was examining the contents as if looking for something. "Oh, so you want something to eat now as well? I thought you were going to wait until you had time to hunt? No?" Clay asked the cat sarcastically.
Cougar glared.
"You said it, not me," Clay defended. "And it's about time you learned! Pooch tells you every time. Where is your common sense?"
The cat sniffed as if the conversation was beneath him and looked away. He turned his back on Clay and saw Pooch, leaping off the trunk to land beside Pooch where he began to rub himself against Pooch's legs. Pooch laughed, "Oh, friends again now? Bro, you tried to scratch me before we left and now you want something we're friends again? What makes you think I packed anything for you?"
Cougar meowed dolefully, prompting Jensen to look round from his dish.
"Yup, even Jensen agrees with me," Pooch said, "You're a big baby with no advance planning skills. Every time, Cougs, every time we go, you ask 'can I hunt?', Clay says 'yes' and so you don't pack anything and then you want something before you work. Every time we do this! When will you learn?"
Cougar meowed again, rubbing his head back and forth against Pooch's leg and twisting to cast a pleading eye upwards. Pooch shook his head and sighed, looking up at Clay. "Do we leave him and teach him a lesson?"
"It's never worked before!" Clay said. "I presume that means you packed something for him?"
"Yeah, there's some cooked chicken pieces in a container down the left hand side."
Clay moved a few things round until he found the container in question, cracked it open and lifted out a small chicken breast before crouching down and holding it out to Cougar, who weaved once more round Pooch's legs before dashing across to Clay and rubbing himself against Clay's hand before snatching the chicken and rushing back to Jensen. He dropped his chicken down beside the hamster's bowl and began to delicately tear it into pieces.
Jensen gave one startled look at Cougar, watched him for an instant before hurriedly stuffing a few more seeds into his mouth and running in Pooch's direction, where he was now sitting down on the ground watching the two of them as he leaned against the closed door of the car. Jensen scrabbled frantically at his jeans trying to pull himself up onto his leg. It took him a couple of goes and as Pooch shifted to lean forward and lift him, he managed it alone and pulled himself up onto the top of Pooch's leg and began scurrying upwards before trying to climb into Pooch's jacket pocket. Pooch stopped him, holding him gently in his hand and stroking him until he calmed down.
"Dude, he's not gonna do that to you. You're safe," Pooch said soothingly. Jensen headbutted Pooch's fingers lightly and he brought the hamster in closer to his chest, allowing it to nestle in closer and finish eating the seeds it had stored in peace. Meanwhile Cougar had picked up his chicken and moved closer, ignoring Pooch's attempts to push him away with his knee without hurting him. He curled up beside Pooch's hip and picked at the rest of his chicken, looking up at Jensen as if to say, "Look, I'm behaving myself. I'm sweet as anything and most definitely not a lethal hamster killing machine."
Jensen, for his part, just kept his back to the cat and continued to munch on the seeds he had carried with him. Clay passed Pooch Jensen's water and he held it out to the hamster, who gave his thumb a quick nuzzle before drinking some of the water and then returning to his seeds.
"Well, at least, one of them is easy to please and behaves pretty well for the minute," Clay said as he watched over his team. Cougar's head lifted from his chicken and turned to look at Clay. "No, it's not you," Clay confirmed. The cat glared haughtily and turned back to the final piece of chicken, before beginning to clean himself fastidiously.
***** THE LOSERS *****
When Jensen has finished eating, like Cougar, he too took the time to clean off his fur and it would only be later back in human form that he would find out about the snapshots of him cleaning his ears that Pooch took on his phone.
He was soon alert and ready to go, whereas Cougar appeared to have found a spot in the sun and gone back to sleep. Pooch had lifted Jensen into the trunk of the car where he'd proceeded to climb over everything until he got to his own bag from which he'd managed to extract a USB key without difficulty. He was now poised on the side of the car clearly eyeing the distance he would drop if he leapt off, aiming to land on Cougar's elegantly slumped form. He looked up at Pooch expectantly.
"You ready to go? You want me to lift you down?" Pooch asked. The hamster gave a clear shake of its head and a nod in Cougar's direction. "Cougs? You ready to go?" The cat didn't stir. Jensen shrugged, then leaped off the side of the car, landing on the cat before sliding down to the ground and sitting expectantly in front of him waiting.
Cougar yelped and jumped backward, turning to glare and hiss at the hamster, who just squeaked and held out the USB key, as if that were all the explanation needed. The cat glared maliciously, licked its chops and stalked closer to Jensen, who just glared back and yawned at the cat's posturing. Pooch laughed.
Cougar looked over his shoulder at Pooch in disgust, then turned back to Jensen and without warning snapped him up in his jaws and began to run towards the building they were going to infiltrate.
"Clay, they're off," Pooch called over to where Clay was sitting waiting.
***** THE LOSERS *****
Cougar ran towards the fence that bordered the property. He dropped down low and began to crawl closer eyeing up the perimeter looking for a place they could make it through without triggering the alarms. He set the hamster down carefully and mewed, pointing his nose at the sensors. The hamster meandered back and forth a few times, carefully examining posts, wires and beams before turning back to Cougar and gesticulating something complicated with its paws that had the cat tilting its head and scrunching up its nose. Finally giving up on getting Cougar to understand what he wanted, Jensen pointed his nose and his paws in the direction he wanted to go and waited for the cat to get with the program.
Cougar picked him up and began to lope steadily back in the direction they come, not noticing that Jensen had left the key behind. When they arrived back at the car, Clay looked put out. "Guys, you know what you have to do. It's too soon to give up," he said as Cougar set Jensen down by the back of the car.
Jensen just squeaked at Cougar in annoyance, clearly indicating that the floor wasn't where he wanted to be. Cougar picked him back up and leaped up to the trunk before setting him down again and leaving him to rummage through his pack again, coming back with a couple of neatly folded pieces of foil held carefully between his teeth. He looked up at Cougar and the cat immediately picked him up and sprang off the car heading back out to the fence.
Cougar set Jensen down on the ground again and the hamster immediately set to work, folding and bending the foil. Cougar watched, head tilted to one side curiously as Jensen worked. Carefully Jensen lined the two folded pieces of foil and began to push them apart. The cat lay down to watch as Jensen pushed first one and then the other further apart. After a few minutes, Jensen turned to look at Cougar as if comparing him to the gap between the two pieces of foil and then pushed one of them a little further still before seeming to nod and then scurrying back through the grass hunting for where he had dropped the USB key earlier.
Once he'd retrieved it, he turned round to take in Cougar's closed eyes and with a very definite eye roll, he scrambled behind the cat and began to push at its back to get it to move. Reluctantly the cat stood up and looked at Jensen who nodded to the gap. Cougar bent down to pick him back up and the hamster gave a head shake before pointing to the gap.
With a confused meow Cougar padded softly through the gap and then turned to see Jensen following him. As soon as they were both through, Jensen allowed Cougar to pick him back up and the two of them moved speedily across the intervening space to the outhouse. Cougar scouted the outside of the building, looking for a way inside. Setting the hamster down, Cougar put a paw on his back gently, signalling him to stay where he was, then began to spring upward to check out the roof and eaves of the building looking for a way inside.
Finding a suitable ingress, he dropped back down to the ground to fetch Jensen before leaping upward using a nearby hay bale and then an upper window ledge before squeezing through a small gap and then running the length of a beam inside, looking for ways to drop down in stages to the ground level again.
Once down they had no difficulty finding the laptop and Cougar lifted Jensen up so he could get to work. The cat sat back to watch for a minute or two as Jensen seemed to dance across the keyboard trialling different passwords and gradually breaking each level of encryption. Soon getting bored, Cougar wandered off to examine the building more closely, looking for an easier way out. It wasn't long before Jensen had managed to download the data onto the USB stick and then begun closing everything down again. He squeaked and Cougar quickly returned and leaped up to pick him up.
They headed back to Clay swiftly, only slowing down long enough to be sure that their path through the fence was still wide enough before Cougar lengthened out his stride and dashed back to where Pooch and Clay were waiting with Roque.
"Not bad," Clay said, approvingly. "We'll debrief fully when the two of you change back, but for now the two of you have some downtime. We'll have another exercise tomorrow. Cougs, now's your time to hunt if you want it. Jensen, I'm powering up your laptop, you'll have to let us know if there's anything else you need. If not, Pooch has set up your water and your food and he's put a ramp up to the car so anytime you want to go rest in the basket feel free. You're done for the day."
Cougar looked as if he was about to leave, when he took another look at Jensen and putting his paw out to stop the hamster moving away, he tilted his head to one side and regarded him carefully, before giving one long slow lick from head to tail to settle Jensen's fur back in place.
As soon as he let go, the hamster gave him a filthy glare as he shook himself out and stalked off to the ramp and huffily climbed up and began burrowing through all the padding until he settled himself into the very middle, spreading out as much as possible as if claiming the whole space as his own, before closing his eyes.
"He's planning something for later. I'm sure of it," Pooch laughed, as the rest of them settled round the campfire they'd built while Jensen and Cougar had been otherwise occupied. Cougar gave a shrug before dashing away into the darkness.
"So what's the plan for tomorrow?"
"Have to wait until the sun comes up to find out, I don't trust either of them not to be listening, so I'm not giving anything away," Roque grumbled. "I expected that to take them longer than it did. Smart alec cat will be smug as anything after that!"
*************** THE END FOR NOW *************************