a/n: Hi my readers! I tried working on his chapter but so much stuff has been happening in my life right now; my friend is the hospital and my brother is enrolled into a new school (part-time) and his twin brother really isn't happy about that. I hope that you like this chapter though!
Thanks to: Hufflepuffer, Carla, NoctePluvia, T-Bone14, Robin-n-Hoodie, majorDPloveralways, Lito- Arumi, Hikari no Kasai, Anonymous Skrtle, and bluestring, for reviewing. You guys are the best! And I totally forgot to say this in the last chapter; you guys got me over 100 REVIEWS! You are the absolute most terrific people ever! Especially for staying with me all this time. I love you guys SO much! I read your reviews whenever I get the chance. Thanks again!
Disclaimer: I don't own BTR, Nikes, or any constellations.
Chapter 13: Refusal
James POV
After everyone had cleared out the scene that Kendall and I had made, the two of us walked leisurely to the park. Well, Kendall walked leisurely. I was slightly on edge. I honestly felt really bad about what we did to Carlos. I never wanted to do it in the first place, but as per usual, Kendall pressured me into it.
"Wasn't that awesome?" He asked excitedly, the same excitement evident in his eyes. I was about to nod, say yes and agree, because that's what I've been obligated to do since Kendall and I have met. I'm just supposed to agree happily, have no opinions or complaints whatsoever because what I feel or think always comes second place to what Kendall feels or thinks. But not anymore. I'm done being second place to anyone.
"No," I replied stonily, causing him to stop in the middle of the park. He turned to me, coming face-to-face with me, giving me a perfect view of the ugly, purple bruise that Carlos had given to him just 20 minutes before. (And just for the record, purple really isn't his colour).
"What?" He asked for clarification. "Did I stutter?" I questioned, mocking the words he uttered to Stephanie just minutes before. "I said 'no'. Because losing my girlfriend and seeing one of my best friends looking so hurt doesn't really count as awesome in my book. Plus... I never really wanted to do this in the first place," I admitted with a small shrug. "I mean, sure I was mad at first. Actually, I'll be the first to admit that what Carlos did made me want to hide and destroy his helmet or something. But obviously those were my initial feelings. After I had calmed down I realized how stupid I was being; I mean c'mon pants? I can get the exact same pair if I want to pretty much anywhere else. But you pressured me Kendall. You pressured Logan and I into doing something that we never wanted to do in the first place. Now, I'm finally saying no. I should've said no 4 months ago but I didn't and look where it's gotten me. I'm done treating one of my best friends this way." The whole time I looked Kendall in the eye and watched as his emotions changed. First there was disbelief, then shock, betrayal, and lastly anger.
"Fine," he scoffed. "Whatever, I don't care. Just don't come crawling back to me when he doesn't accept your apology." I mentally froze. I didn't think about that. But now that I do, I realize that Carlos not forgiving me is very possible. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he punched methis time and told me that he'd never want to see me again. But I couldn't let Kendall know that. "Don't count on it," I simply replied, turning away from him.
I walked out of the park and through the lobby. The whole time I stared straight in front of me, my head held high and my eyes forward. I didn't need to look around to know that everyone was staring at me, gossiping to their friends. But I didn't care. It didn't matter. All that mattered was getting upstairs and apologizing to Carlos.
I bounded up the stairs, taking two at a time. I flung the door open that led to the second floor and strode over to 2J. I opened the door and climbed up the black stairs that led to where all the bedrooms were. I slowly began to lose my confidence as I stood in front of Carlos' door. I bit my lip and contemplated going back, but decided against it. If I was going to do something about this whole mess, I was going to do it now.
I raised a strong fist and knocked on the door three times, the sound loud and definite. I just heard Carlos groan a 'go away' and my heart sank. Of course he wouldn't want to talk to anyone. His best birthday ever was ruined. By me. (And Kendall... but mostly Kendall). I sighed softly and turned to walk away when I heard two feminine voices tell me to come in, despite Carlos' wishes. I hesitantly turned the doorknob, pushing the door slowly. I took a cautious step into the room, and as I did, everyone's wide eyes were on me.
I briefly scanned everyone's faces. Jo and Logan looked disappointed while Camille, Katie, and Stephanie looked downright angry. Rachael looked away as our eyes met, but I saw anger and hurt in them also. Carlos had an unreadable expression on his face and it honestly freaked me out a little because it was a look that I had never seen on him before.
"What?" Stephanie spat, and my eyes were immediately directed to her. The petite girl's face was stony and her eyes showed nothing but pure fury and disgust. But I couldn't focus on her at the moment because I wasn't making amends with her yet. I was making amends with Carlos.
"I was wondering if I could speak to Carlos for a little bit," I requested, my voice sounding surprisingly calm. Stephanie's gaze hardened and she crossed her arms defensively. She sat up straight and scooted to the side a little, obviously trying to block Carlos from me without making it too noticeable. "No," she replied curtly. "Carlos isn't in the mood for company right now." This time I gave her a slight glare. "He doesn't seem to mind having all of you around him." I still kept my tone calm, indicating that I wasn't intentionally starting a fight. She was just about to say something else when I beat her to the punch. "Look, I know that I'm not your favourite person right now. I'm probably like, one of the last, but right now, all I'd like to do is talk to Carlos alone. I'm not trying to pick a fight or re-open any old wounds or anything like that... like I said I just wanna talk." I raised my hands up in surrender. Stephanie turned towards Carlos. "Well, he wants to talk to you," she said. I resisted the strong urge to roll my eyes. "So? It's your choice." Although he knew that he had a bunch of eyes on him he kept his on the wall next to my head.
"Fine," he agreed, his voice holding no emotion. Stephanie and everyone else slowly filed out of the room, everyone giving me their individual glares as they left. I silently closed the door, standing awkwardly in thy doorway. "You can sit," he told me, his voice still void of emotion. I hesitantly sat down on his bed.
"Look... Carlos," I began. I honestly didn't know how I was going to word this. I knew what I wanted to say but I didn't know how exactly I was going to say it. "I know that I've given you crap for months and treated you how no one should be treated but I just... wanna apologize. I know it's not enough to just say sorry or anything else that I can possibly do but it's all I can give right now. I just hope you can accept my apology." I let out a large sigh of relief and ran a hand through my hair, successfully messing it up. But I didn't care.
Carlos just sat there, looking stony and upset. "Well now I'm the one that's sorry," he said, his voice still emotionless. "Because I can't forgive you James, not yet."
"What? Why not?" I asked, confused. "I came up here, apologized genuinely- and now you can't forgive me?" I questioned angrily. I was rapidly losing my patience and I knew that Carlos knew it too.
"Because James," he replied, saying nothing more. "Because what? Logan did the exact same thing and you forgave him! Why won't you do the same with me?" I argued, my frustration continuing to grow. "Well you're not Logan; you're both completely different people," he told me. "How Carlos? How are we so different?" I inquired furiously. "Logan's never lied to me!" He snapped. I've never seen someone's facial expression change so quickly and drastically. He went from calm and emotionless to angry in a matter of milliseconds.
"All the years that I've known you, you've lied to me in some way or another James! You lied about Heather Fox, you lied about getting an 'A' on your science test in grade 8 when you really just switched the two of ours, and you're always making me take the blame for things that youdid or we both took equal part in! I'm not going to be lied to by you anymore James! Because I always try to forget about every time you lie but I can't because you go and lie to me again. Every time I build myself back up, I get knocked right back down by you! I'm not putting up with it anymore James! I'm done!" His face was red and he was slightly panting. I could tell that this whole conversation upset him.
"Carlos..." I tried to begin. "No," he said, shaking his head. "No. Not again. Get out," he demanded, not even looking at me. "Fine." I stood up slowly and walked out of the room, slamming the wooden door behind me. I threw myself angrily in the Swirly slide and slid down. I saw Logan, Stephanie, Camille, Jo, Rachael and Katie watching me from their various positions on the couch but I didn't even acknowledge them. I just went through the front door, no destination in mind. I just had to get out.
Carlos POV
This was one of the millions of times that James has gotten me so upset, and so overwhelmed that I just wanted to rip out all of my hair. He can't just compare himself to Logan; they're nothing alike! And I wasn't exaggerating when I said that Logan had never lied to me. He's always been straightforward and honest with me, even if it hurts my feelings. He told me that he knows that it'll help me in the long run. But James has never been that way. He's always done things just to benefit himself; even if that means sacrificing someone else. And most of the time I've been the one being sacrificed. My grades, my feelings... me. There's no way I'm going to be lied to by him again. Because it always hurts too much.
I let out a frustrated huff and pulled at my hair, a few strands coming out. I released the soft tufts and let myself fall back onto the bed, my head narrowly missing the wooden headboard. I was feeling so conflicted. A part of me wanted to forgive him, forgetting all of his flaws and mistakes and accepting them, and letting us be friends again. But another part of me was putting up warring signs: 'Stop!', 'Danger!', and 'Approach with extreme caution.' It was telling me that he was going to hurt me again, and that was definitely something that I didn't want to go through again. I groaned. I needed fresh air.
I grabbed my black sweater and slipped on my black and white Nikes. I opened the door to my room and closed it behind me as I exited it. I slid down Swirly and started to put on my sweater as I stood up when I got out of the playground toy. I headed for the front door and I had almost made it when of course, I was stopped.
"Where are you going?" I let out an overdramatic sigh and turned around just as dramatically. I saw the 6 of my friends all staring at me, the exact same quizzical looks on their faces. I knew that Stephanie had asked the question but I directed my response to all of them.
"Out," I replied shortly, going to turn back around. "Out where?" she inquired, her arms crossed. "On a walk. Now is the interrogation done or do I have to stay here for 3 more hours while you ask me pointless and annoying questions?" I questioned impatiently. She uncrossed her arms and looked up at me. "It's done. Go ahead; just be safe, okay?" I gave a small smile. "Please. It's me. I'm never safe," I joked. "I'll see you guys later." I turned around and successfully left the apartment. I walked down the hallway, seeing a fist-shaped dent in the wall near 2B. I rolled my eyes. I'd bet anyone a million bucks that James was the one who made that dent. I trudged down the stairs and into the lobby where I received many sympathetic glances. I ignored them for the most part and made my way out of the hotel. I had no particular destination in mind. All I knew was that I needed to clear my head.
I walked for a good 10 blocks, just thinking. I had more than a few mental arguments with myself and it kind of freaked me out. But if it would help me figure everything out then I didn't mind at all. I wasn't really in tune to my surroundings, but when it came down to it I was sure that I would have no trouble getting back home when I came around to it. I was jolted out of my thoughts when someone bumped into my back.
"Oh I'm so sorry!" A man with a strong, and thick Spanish accent exclaimed. For some reason that voice sounded familiar.
"It's fine," I assured the man. "...Carlos?" The voice asked hesitantly. I turned toward the voice, my eyes widening in realization. "Uncle Ricardo!" He quickly put the bags that he had in his hands down and pulled me into a giant bear hug. (Or as we Garcia's occasionally call it, "The Death Trap"). I hugged him back fiercely, a gigantic, elated smile on my face. I knew that we probably looked like freaks considering that we were hugging in the middle of the sidewalk, but I didn't care. Eventually we pulled away, just gazing at each other in disbelief.
"Hi," I said with a small laugh after a few moments of contended silence. He let out his deep, loud laugh as well. "Hola." I stuffed my hands in my front pockets, balancing on my heels. "What are you doing here?" I asked him. From what I knew, he and his family had never even left Dominican Republic. He gave a large smile, his pearly white teeth showing. "Well," he began, his raspy voice soothing to the ear. "Your aunt Heather and I decided that we and the kids would take a little vacation," he explained. I nodded in understanding, but raised an eyebrow soon after. "So out of anywhere else in the world, you chose California?" He let out a low chuckle. "We do have a budget you know," he argued. "And last time I checked, Europe and Australia weren't exactly 50 cents." I nodded my head in agreement. "Okay, you've got a point."
"Come come, let's walk," he said, picking up his bags. We walked side-by-side. "What's going on with you?" He asked after a few more moments of comfortable silence. He looked over at me and I shrugged.
"Nothing much, just recording in the studio and stuff," I told him to which he nodded his head. "And everything is okay, right?" I shrugged again. "Yeah everything's fine," I lied. "Are you sure about that? Because before I bumped into you your shoulders were slumped, your head was down... all gestures that show someone who's not feeling too happy." Uncle Ricardo gave me a knowing look, almost begging me to tell him what was going on. I bit my lip and shrugged for a third time. "Um..." I glanced back up him and regretted it immediately. The look on his face made me feel guilty that I even considered lying to him. His eyebrows were knitted with worry and his mouth was turned downwards in a frown. I sighed heavily and let my shoulders slump down. "I'm just... confused. Over the past few months my friends and I haven't been agreeing, they were all mad at me," I told him. "Those friends that came over that one year I stayed at your house?" I nodded. "Kenneth, Jamison and Lucas right?" He asked for clarification. I gave a small smile at his failed attempt to remember their names. "Kendall, James and Logan," I corrected, him nodding slightly. "Well after a couple of months of them pretty much pretending as if I didn't exist, Logan apologized and the two of us became friends again, but today James and Kendall did something... that was very unappreciated to say the least. A while after James came and apologized but I told him that I didn't forgive him but..." I trailed off, not knowing how to explain. "A part of you does," Uncle Ricardo finished for me. "Yeah," I confirmed with a sigh. "And I don't know whether to forgive him or not. I mean, I miss him as a friend but I'm not quite sure if I can trust him enough yet. I already have enough trust issues as it is. I don't need to be hurt anymore." This time it was my uncle who sighed. "Look, Carlos. Decisions like this aren't easy to make- not at all. But you have to think ahead of time. Think of how it would be if you were friends with James again and if you weren't. Sure what you think may not be accurate, but it would help you get a small glimpse of what could be your future. Think about it." I smiled. "Thanks Tio," I said. "No problem," he replied. "Now you might want to go back to your home, set your mind straight. Plus it's going to be dark soon, and I don't want you wandering these streets alone and when it's dark." I rolled my eyes. Of course, my whole family's protective of one another. Sometimes it gets annoying but it's something that I'd never trade for the world.
"Alright, I'll head back." We both stopped and he put his bags down on the ground once again. He pulled me in for another hug and once again I hugged back. We pulled away and he ruffled my hair. "I'll see you soon nephew," he said with a dimpled smile to which I smiled back. "Tell Aunt Heather, Cousin Mariah and Cousin Liam that I said 'hi' for me okay?" I asked. "I will," he promised. I turned around and began to walk in the opposite direction. I looked over my shoulder when Uncle Ricardo yelled out an "Adios!" I laughed and waved. "Bye, Tio!" I called back. "Oh, and happy birthday!" He added. "Thanks!"
I walked back to the Palm Woods and by then the sun was beginning to set. On the horizon was a multitude of breathing-taking colours: pink, purple, and orange... it was really beautiful. I went through the Park, the Pool, and the Lobby. Instead of making my way up to the apartment in the elevator, I opened the doors to the stairs for the second time today. I trekked up slowly until I reached a door with the word 'ROOF'painted onto it. I opened it and it creaked loudly. I'm surprised it even opened to be honest. I slipped through the opening and stepped onto the roof. The door closed without a hurry and groaned as the idle hinges were once again put to work. I just stood; watching the still setting sun until it completely disappeared and was replaced with the glow of the full, luminous moon. I walked up until I was at the very edge. I refused to look down because I didn't need to. There was nothing of importance to me down below. I just continued looking out at the night sky. After a while, small stars began to appear, one after the other. When the first star came into view I remembered what my whole family did before my parents died. When nightfall came, we would all go outside in the backyard- no matter what season it was. We'd wait until the first star came out, mistaking it for airplanes more times than we could count. But once the actual first star came out, we'd all hold hands each other's hands and close our eyes.
"Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might; have the wish I wish tonight,"we'd all say in perfect unison. Then silently, in our minds, we each made a wish. Though we never spoke of our wishes, many times I got what I wanted: that new mountain bike, that art kit... But sometimes I didn't get what I wanted. Like when I wished for my parents to come back.
Now I closed my eyes as a soft breeze came by, blowing my hair. I couldn't bring myself to make a wish though. Because I wasn't in the mood for disappointment. So I opened my eyes and backed away a couple steps from the edge. I sat down and scooted back over to the ledge, letting my feet and legs dangle over freely. I stared up at the star-filled sky. For a place with unfathomable amounts of pollution there were surprisingly many stars visible. I was able to make out many different constellations: The Big and Little Dipper, Orion's Belt, Hercules and Sagittarius being just a few. I sat there on the ledge for a long time when I was interrupted by my phone ringing. I just pressed the 'end call' button without looking at the caller I.D. I continued my star-gazing when my phone rang once again. I did the same thing as last time, only this time I put my phone on silent. I sat on the roof uninterrupted for a while before I faintly heard my name being called from down below. I sighed and opened my phone. 49 missed calls. I let out another sigh and scrolled onto the most recent one: Logan. I clicked him and pressed the phone to my ear, hearing it ring once before he answered.
"Hello? Carlos?" He asked frantically. "Hey Logan. Look I know that I haven't answered the phone, and you're probably freaking out, but I'm fine. I'll be back in 2J in 2 minutes- 5 max," I told him. Logan let out a big breath of relief. "Okay, good. We'll see you soon." I didn't bother to say "goodbye" before I hung up. I scooted back and stood back up. I gazed admiringly at the stars for another minute before I made my way back the apartment.
I had barely opened the door when I was engulfed in a hug.
"There you are Carlos! I've been so worried about you!" I gently pried Mama Knight off of me, keeping her at arm's length. Her blue eyes were clouded with worry and it made me feel bad right away. "I thought that something terrible had happened to you!" She fretted, checking me over for any cuts and/or bruises.
"I'm fine Mama Knight, I promise," I assured. "I just went on a walk to clear my head," I told her. "Nothing bad happened to me." I saw her visibly relax, as if a huge weight had been lifted off of her shoulders. "That's good. I would feel absolutely horrible if anything bad happened to you again."
"I told you that he was fine," Katie piped up from her place by the fridge. I smiled. Katie was always someone that I could rely on.
"So you're sure that you're fine?" Mrs. Knight asked again. I nodded. "I'm fine."
'For now.'
It's been a week since the birthday incident and the whole time I've been contemplating on which way to turn. I'd taken my Uncle's advice and thought about the future for both paths. Unfortunately, my thoughts were all jumbled and weird so it was of little help. I can't remember a time in my life when I was so utterly conflicted.
Currently, Logan and I were the only ones in the apartment. We had just finished up an early brunch and we were playing some dome hockey together. I told him about my predicament and he was trying to help me figure out what I was going to do. I was so relieved that he was so willing to help me; I knew that not many people would and have as much patience as he did.
"I'm still so... confused Logan," I admitted, feeling yet another headache coming on. I've gotten them whenever I concentrated about the situation too hard... which was pretty much every day, every hour. "I mean like I said, I'm scared of both outcomes. What if I forgive him and he betrays me again? What if I don't forgive him and I regret it? I don't think that I can deal with either," I questioned, giving a particularly hard shot towards his net. Logan released the handles of the metal bars that attached the players and walked over to me, pulling my arm. I let myself be dragged over to the couch and sat down he let go.
"Okay, you are thinking WAY too hard about this," he informed me, sitting on my right on the couch. "Well it's not my fault!" I argued. "I can't help it! Plus, I have to. This is a life-changing decision!" Logan started chuckling after I said this. "What? What's so funny?" I asked, seeing no amusement in this situation or subject matter. "Because, Carlos," he began, a crooked smile still plastered onto his face. "This isn't a 'life-changing' decision," he told me, putting air quotes around life- changing. "A life-changing decision is deciding to get married, or have a kid. Yeah, I see where you're coming from: this is a big deal. It's a big choice to make that will change the way some things work but I wouldn't go so far to say it's life-changing," he explained. I gave a large sigh and leaned back into the couch, covering my face with my hands. "Why can't you make the choice for me?" I whined, my voice slightly muffled by my hands. "Because," he said, removing my hands from my face. "It's not my choice to make."
3 days later, I had taken what Logan said into consideration. Sure, he didn't say much, but he was one of those people who say nothing yet says everything at the same time. Anyway, I had thought and thought and thought until I was sure that my brain would deflate. Finally I had come to a conclusion.
I was walking through Palm Woods Park, humming a tune under my breath as I was looking for someone. I was about to give up my search when I spotted someone with brown hair, a mirror and comb in hand, his back to me. I cautiously walked over and tapped his shoulder. He turned his head and looked up at me, obviously surprised.
"...Hey," he greeted carefully. "Hey," I replied, shoving my hands in my pockets and giving a small smile. "Mind if I sit down?" He shook his head 'no' and moved over even though there was more than enough room for me to sit comfortably. I sat down next to him and noticed that he was looking at me curiously.
"Look," I began, taking my hands out of my pockets and clasping them together. I leant forward, my elbows resting on my knees. "What I said... that day, it wasn't me talking. I mean- it was me who said it but I didn't mean what I said," I rambled, feeling overwhelmed and a little embarrassed. "I was angry and it was my emotions talking. I shouldn't have yelled at you like that- that wasn't the right way to handle it. What I guess I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry." I let out a big breath of relief, slumping slightly into the wooden bench. I glanced over at James and I saw that he was still looking at me. This time his eyes held wonder and confusion. "What?" I asked, feeling self-conscious and nervous. "Is there something in my teeth?" I wondered aloud, picking at my teeth. He shook his head, in a daze. "No, it's nothing like that," he responded, finally speaking. I moved my hand from my mouth, waiting for him to continue. "It's just that... you shouldn't be the one apologizing Carlos. I should. I deserved everything said to me and more. What you said about taking advantage about you… it was so true. And as terrible as it is, I never realized that until you brought it up. There's no reason and no excuse why I should have done what I did today, I mean it's just Kendall-" He stopped in the middle of his sentence, running a hand over his face. "Kendall what?" I inquired, tilting my head to the side, not quite understanding. "It's just that he kind of pressured me, y'know?" He explained. "Like during this whole... series of events he pressured me into doing things that I didn't really want to do. I wasn't quite sure how to deal with it or how to handle the whole situation so I just leaned on Kendall- kind of just expected him to lead me in the right direction." This time it was my turn to look at James. "James... Kendall doesn't own you," I told him, looking the tall brunet straight into his hazel eyes. "You are your own person; completely. You can't let someone else lead your life James; especially not Kendall. 'Cause we both know that what he makes us do isn't always exactly what we expected. It's not fair to yourself to let someone take control of what you do. It's not their decision- it's yours. I know for a fact that you're strong, smart, and old enough to make your own judgments." I felt as if I was in some sappy T.V show or movie but I couldn't bring myself to care. I had to make sure that James knew what he was capable of.
"I know," he said, hanging his head down, his hair flapping around his face. "It's just that I'm so used to trusting Kendall that it became kind of natural... routine. But I know that I shouldn't do that anymore. I was graced with a brain and I plan on using it," he declared with a smile, me giving a wide one back. "Now that's what I like to hear." James lifted up his head, still smiling a little bit. "Thanks Carlos... for everything. You're a really good friend. We are friends right? Because I just assumed..." I put a hand up, signaling him to stop, which he did. "Yes. We're friends again. If that fine with you that is." I raised my eyebrow, asking a silent question. I was answered when James pulled me into a bear hug, making me lose my balance and nearly topple over. I let out a bark of laughter and hugged him back. "I suppose that's a 'yes'." He laughed as well and nodded.
I smiled, but it faded slightly. I still felt as though something- or someone- else was missing. Just one more piece and I think I'd be complete again.
a.n: So I hoped that you liked that chapter. I actually did a lot, especially the part when he was on the roof. . Okay, I'm so sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but there's only like one or two more chapters left in this story. After I deal with Kendall, there's not much I can do. And I'm 99.9% sure that there's not going to be a sequel. Sorry. :(. I hope there's no hard feelings.
Please review? They make me so happy!
Later peepz!