Hello, and welcome to chapter two/technically chapter 1! Please read, review, and enjoy!

Disclaimer: The LoZ franchise does not belong to me, however, the OCs do.

#2 Faron Woods

You guys have heard of Navi, right? TA DA! This is where she made her dazzling debut. Not.

Navi was created by the Godesses to act as a guide and turned out to be completely useless. She was the most annoying fairy, if not living thing, on the planet, and was destroyed at the end of our adventure for wasting perfectly good oxygen. The Great Deku Tree later requested her resurrection just to piss off a certain someone (take one guess who?) all in good fun. Poor guy. I just hope he didn't have to endure what I did.

Navi was to guide me to Faron Woods where I was to meet the Elder Kikwi, but before entering Faron Woods I was supposed to obtain a sword and shield. So, the Godesses could wake me up in the middle of the night to give me this information, but apparently they couldn't tell Navi. Thus was the result:

"Hey, listen! Listen! Hey! We have to go to Faron Woods!"

"Yeah, cool, but first I've gotta -"

"Hey! Hey, listen! You've got to meet the Elder Kikwi!"

"I know, but I have to -"

"Hey, listen! LISTEN!"

To make matters worse, I couldn't seem to find a sword. Sure, there were shields helter skelter, but no one owned a damn sword? I had to settle for a pocket knife so I could head off to Faron Woods and get that stupid ball of light to shut the hell up.

Faron Woods inhabited many kikwis, but none of them were the Elder Kikwi. They also didn't seem to know where the Elder Kikwi was. A lot of them stared at me as if they didn't even understand what I was saying (not that I have full confidence that they did) and would just turn away. In a nutshell, they were all rather clueless. I was starting to get really frustrated after a while, but I was in luck. I eventually found a kikwi who understood English and happened to know where the Elder Kikwi was. I had run into my first obstacle (aside from Navi).

"I'll tell you where the Elder is if you beat me in a round of poker."

"What? Why?"

"You think I can play with any of these derps? Half of them are scared of their own shadow and the rest like to sit around and wonder what would happen if Pinochio were to say his nose would grow."

"I think he would combust."

Long story short, I am not the greatest at poker. Or even a little great. I ended up owing the guy 2,500 rupees and I hadn't even one to call my own. So I did what any sensible person would do in such a situation. Explain gently that I couldn't make the payment? Yeah, right. I knocked him out with a crowbar and booked it.

I did, fortunately, come across another somewhat competent kikwi who knew where the Elder was, as well. Unfortunately, he, too, was a little obstinate with freely handing me the information. My pent-up rage was beginning to burst only slightly when I stuck him in a head-lock (mind you, this was difficult; they're super chunky and have no neck) and threatened him with my knife. He kindly cooperated afterward. I was soon on my way and was quickly face-to-face with a deku baba, which (most unfortunately) resulted in Navi screeching "LISTEN!" over and over again.

Eventually I cracked. "JESUS, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?"

"That's a deku baba. Use your sword to slash him."

"I CAN'T 'SLASH HIM' WITH THIS SHIT KNIFE. I DON'T HAVE A SWORD, YOU PREVENTED ME FROM GETTING ONE!"

"Link, calm the hell down!"

"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, YOU-"

I was interrupted by the Deku Baba, who decided it was rather alright to go ahead and headbutt me. "Hey, numbnuts. I'm waiting to fight you over here, I don't have all day."

"DON'T YOU TOUCH ME, YOU SON OF A-"

I was hit again.

"Okay, fine, bud. You want a fight? Well, you've got one, asshole," I seethed, trying to control my anger.

I then chucked my knife at the baba's head, missing horridly.

"Ha. Your aim is laughable. Almost as funny as your face."

I then ripped his off with my bare hands.

"Subtle," Navi commented dryly.

I marched off toward the Elder Kikwi, extremely pissed. So far, I was having a crap day. To make matters worse, the Elder Kikwi's shit-for-brains intelligence did nothing to cheer me up.

"Uh, hello?"

"Eh? Who is it?" The Elder Kikwi responded.

"Err, I'm Link. The Goddesses told me to come to you."

"Eh? The mogma mafia's discovered I lied about the extra five grand and you're an assassin sent to take me down? Well, I may be old, but I can kick your ass, young lady."

"No - what? That's not even close to what I what I said! Put your fists down, grandpa. Is he senile?" he added to Navi.

"Only half-blind," the Elder responded instead. "The hearing comes and goes."

"Um, okay then. Well, the Goddesses told me to come talk to you. By the way, you shouldn't go picking fights with random people, seeing as you can't do much." After all, he was a large mass with a face.

"Oh, really?"

I got into a small fight with the Elder Kikwi. Let's not go into detail with that, but I totally owned him. No, you didn't! Hey, shut up, Zelda! Tell them the truth, now! Alright, fine. I got owned - he sat on me. You happy? Yup. Well, let's move on.

The senile old Kikwi was annoying as hell because he often mistook words for others, sometimes something completely different. He also often mistook "what" for "butt," which made conversation difficult.

The ground began to shake just as he was telling us a not-so-lovely story about his butt-mole, when Navi decided it was a great time to say, "Oh, my! What was that?"

"Ah, so your butt has that, too? You know, kid, you have a strange fetish for speaking of butts, I wonder about you..."

"I don't have a nasty ass-wart," I said through my teeth. "I didn't say that. And what was that, anyway?"

"Wait, you don't? Err, yeah, me neither, I mean, that's gross, haha... So, what were you saying?"

"The ground. It just shook. You know, like, two seconds ago-"

Link was interrupted by Navi snickering.

"What?"

"Butt?" the Kikwi interjected excitedly.

"NO!" I turned back to Navi. "Can't you just shut the hell up for a minute? Why are you laughing?"

"Hahahaha, he's got a mole on his butt, that is some seriously nasty shit!" she laughed.

I rolled my eyes at her immaturity. "Ugh, whatever. Alright, forget the ground shaking, can you just tell me why the Goddesses sent me here?"

"Oh, you could've just asked me from the start."

Grinding my teeth together, I answered, "Believe me, I tried."

"I don't recall-"

"Just tell me, damn it!"

"You're the Legendary Hero! You're supposed to save the world!" he then proceded to perform jazz-hands.

I face-palmed, but mostly because of his fail at dance. "Yes, and?"

"They also told me to tell you to go to the Woodland Temple. They said there you will find the Earth Gem. After that, you are to return home."

"This is so stupid - why can't they tell me all this crap themselves?"

"Because they are lazy shits and like to get people to do things for them," the Kikwi replied before being struck by lightning. On a sunny, cloudless day. Purely coincidental.

"Actually, I am the only being alive who knows where the Woodland Temple is," the Elder Kikwi said once he miraculously and rapidly recovered multiple third-degree burns.

"Why do I need to retrieve the Earth Gem?"

"I don't know, kid! Now, do you want directions to this temple, or not?"

"Alright, alright, don't get your thong in a twist," I muttered.

"The entrance to Woodland Temple is right underneath my arse. And it's a g-string."

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah, they had this great sale at Victoria's Secret -"

"Not your stupid panties, shit-for-brains! I mean the temple! Why is it under you?"

"Oh, that. I am sitting on the entrance to shield it from any evil or monsters befouling it and blah, blah, blah... you know the drill, you're a hero."

"Uh, no, I don't."

"Welp, good luck then. See you later, I hope!" The Elder Kikwi then rolled onto his side, which caused the earth to shake. I wondered whether the last minor earth-quake had something to do with an oversized kikwi, as well.

"Wait - what do you mean, 'I hope'?"

"You know, if you don't get yourself killed or something," he replied casually, rolling around and trying to lift himself upright again.

"I thought the reason you sat on this place was to guard it from danger!" I exclaimed.

"Hey, my ass doesn't have an air-tight seal, things slip through!"

I shook my head and huffed angrily as I climbed down the ladder within the somewhat large, round hole. "If I'm hurt in any way, your ass is mine..." I said under my breath.

"Err, a little help, here?" the Elder Kikwi called from up above.

"Yeah - no way."

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed, and please review. Spread word of my story. I'll probably be posting chapter three on Sunday or Monday.