***VERY IMPORTANT AUTHORS' NOTE***

We are perhaps the worst fanfic authors alive. Not only did we make you wait for 3-4 months (we can't exactly remember) for an update, but this isn't even a new chapter. It's the revised version of the previous one (which has now been replaced by this - for new readers, it's basically a filler which provides answers to some of your possible questions, such as why the Goddesses approached Link and what exactly is going on). Diety basically fixed-up some spelling and grammatical errors which went unnoticed last time, and most importantly, Nayru's description of a concieted, blonde airhead has been switched to that of an innocently daft, oblivious bimbo. To those who enjoyed Nayru just the way she was, we apologize. :( The switch was necessary for later chapters, as we've recently tweaked the plotline here and there.

We know. -_- You hate us dearly. And we are so terribly sorry for the awfully extended wait (which was, ultimately, for basically nothing). So, enjoy the very same chapter you read before, we guess... ? Or just scroll down to when Nayru comes in to speculate her new personality.

Disclaimer: LoZ isn't ours. Nor is the mentioned Mortal Kombat. OCs, however, are.

#3 Hooray For Fillers! (AKA The Reason It All Started)

I suppose at this point, you're a little confused as to what exactly is going on. Why did the Goddesses contact to Link? What exactly did they say to him? When was Navi thrust into the picture? Why did the Elder Kikwi buy lingerie at Victoria's Secret instead of La Senza?

To clarify it all before we carry on with current events, before this little adventure, I lived in a run-down and very ghetto village which didn't exactly have a name. I think it was because the first mayor was bound and gagged before he could declare it. At any rate, it was the Nameless Village and it sucked major ass, to be put bluntly. Everyone slept with a knife under their pillow and had their wallet duct-taped to their legs. Gangs littered the streets and there was an ongoing battle down every alley that looked something straight out of the earliest Mortal Kombat. Your life flashed before your eyes when you realized that you'd have to risk it and step out for more milk.

So, there I was one typical night, half-asleep on my couch with a bottle in hand, prepared to smash it into the noggin of next person to jump me in my own home, when I awoke from a banging at the front door. This confused me - burglars aren't often quite so polite and usually follow their own form of etiquette by courteously letting themselves in. Except this burglar sounded very high-pitched and whiney, like an annoyingly persistent fairy guide with a fetish for the word "listen."

"WHAT THE HELL, KID, ARE YOU GONNA LET ME IN OR NOT? THERE'S A BUNCH OF GUYS WITH HANDLEBAR MOUSTACHES OUT HERE WHO KEEP EYEING MY PURSE!"

The door was shortly after blasted off its hinges. I leapt up from the couch in a fury.

"HEY, WHAT THE HELL? Do you know how many unwanted visitors I'm going to get freely strolling in from that?"

Once the dust cleared a little, I was shocked to see a ball of blue light with protruding wings floating within it. She coughed a few times and waved her hand dismissively before replying, "Oh, get over it, it can be fixed."

Two raging emotions were conflicting - surprise from seeing a fairy inside my house and anxiety at my door's obvious open invitation to the horrid and awaiting public.

The fairy rummaged in her bag before pulling out a file and flipped through the pages before halting abruptly. "Ah, let's see… Fernando?"

I blinked. "No."

"What?"

"No, I'm Link."

"You sure?"

"You know, now that I think about it - yes, I'm sure! What the hell kind of question is that?"

The fairy scanned the page again. "Wait, never mind, that'll be the fairy god-kid." I raised an eyebrow and she shrugged, saying, "Hey, I've got a lot of side-jobs!"

"Err, alright, then. So, not to be rude or anything, but… get out?"

She shook her head briskly. "Fat chance, buddy. As of now, you and I are together every day, every hour. Except when Fernando calls if the evil step-mom's being a bitch or something; inflicts too many chores or whatever."

"She makes him clean?"

"Fernando's a girl."

"Oh," I deadpanned. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah, me too," the fairy sighed. "Well, I ought to introduce myself. I'm Navi the Fairy and I will be your guide to eternal glory as you save the world from utter destruction! Now, step one is for you to meet the Goddesses so they can explain it all to you -"

"Wait - what did you say?" I exclaimed.

Before Navi could respond, her bracelet beeped and she lifted it to her face as though she were checking the time. "Oh, gotta run - she's been subjected to a spanking." She then disappeared with a "pop" without further ado.

I had barely any time to process what had just happened, for shortly afterward there was a loud shout from next door and suddenly, in the fairy's place, a tall, slender woman wearing a white, flowing gown with platinum blonde hair which literally emitted light appeared on the couch, looking slightly frazzled. Alongside her were three other women all sprawled in different regions of the living room - the red-haired one was slumped in the armchair as though she'd been unceremoniously dumped there, the blue-haired one was facedown on the coffee table, and the green-haired one was sitting cross-legged on the floor next to the busted door, apparently the only one to be unfazed.

"God, Hylia, what the hell was that?" the redhead snapped, righting herself and rearranging her hair. She continued to mutter, "Some Goddess you are… can barely teleport us into the right house…"

"Yes, remind me to burn my eyes promptly once we're done here," the green one added coolly, standing up and dusting herself off. "Poor bloke - passed right out from the shock of such an unexpected intrusion during a nice bath."

The blue one hadn't made a move yet - she'd taken to continue laying on the table.

The green one sighed, prodding Blue's head gently with her fingertip. "It's alright, Nayru, you can get up now. I promise that there are no wrinkly, naked men in this residence." She look up and searched the area with her eyes. "Well, as far as I know…"

I managed to find my voice as my temper began to flare. "I can assure you that there are no naked seniors in my house, thanks a lot!" I retorted. "And I'm pretty sure that an explanation is in order! First, a screechy ball of light strips the front door like paint, and now you're all in my house - !"

My elderly and very much naked neighbour then proceeding to run in through the open entrance and scream at me. "Link, you won't believe what just happened! And I'm not lying this time, I swear!"

"HE'S BACK!" the blue girl shrilled loudly, letting her face fall into her palms and she proceeded to scream like toddler.

"Oh my God!" the shiny blonde one cried, facepalming of epic proportions. In an instant the wrinkly prune had vanished into thin air.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MR. JENKINS?" I bellowed.

The blonde rolled her eyes. "Chill, he'll be back soon."

"Right, so how soon?"

She shrugged. "I dunno, three years?"

I stared at her incredulously, gaping. "Three years? Tell me you're shitting me."

The red one shook her head and then stood. "She's as serious as Joker would never be. See, Hylia here hasn't really gotten the hang of her powers. Ever. She is perhaps the worst Goddess to call on in an emergency. She can only make matters worse."

The blonde fumed, her hands balling up into little fists. "That isn't true! I can so be of some help! I fixed that backed-up toilet, didn't I?"

"Sure, and now we've got a swimming pool," Red rolled her eyes.

"You said you've always wanted one - !"

"Alright, enough!" Green huffed, crossing her arms. "We're here to see Link, you guys know this is a very urgent mission!" She then turned to the blonde. "Hylia, since you're the one who prepared for all of this and saw the issue to begin with, talk."

The blonde - Hylia - turned to me and inhaled slowly before beginning.

"So, err, Link - right?"

I nodded.

She exhaled with relief. "Oh, good. Just making sure I didn't screw anything else up. I suppose introductions are in order. Link, I am the Goddess Hylia who watches over and preserves this land and the beings who thrive on it. These Goddesses here are Din, Nayru, and Farore," she gestured toward Red, Blue, and Green, respectively, "and I'm sure you've heard of them already."

Of course I already knew of the Golden Goddesses of Legend - everybody did. Din was the Goddess of Fire and Power, Nayru the Goddess of Water and Wisdom, and Farore was the Goddess of Earth and Courage. Together, the trio created the land. I was a little floored as it sunk in that the three deities were actually standing under my roof.

"Err, sorry, but I don't really know-"

"About me?" Hylia interjected. "Yeah, not many usually do. I'm in more of those really old folktales that aren't often told around the campfire."

"Probably 'cause she's an embarrassment," Din mumbled to herself.

"I can hear you, you crotchety bitch!" Hylia snapped. "Anyway," she carried on, "we're here under dire circumstances."

"Like what?" I asked hesitantly.

"You are," she paused briefly for dramatic affect, "the Chosen Hero."

I blinked again, not sure if I should laugh or not. "Excuse me - what? What 'Chosen Hero'?"

She nodded solemnly, though her expression was clearly irate. It was evident that she was annoyed that I wasn't taking her seriously.

"The world around you is shrouded with turmoil. Evil has crawled out from the darkness and has defiled the earth. It is your duty to this land and the people that you slay these monsters and creatures of wickedness so the world may be restored to an era of light. O, Chosen One, you have been selected out of an impossible many to perform the task and carry this burden - it is carved in your destiny."

I waited a moment before responding. "That was very nice, did you write that yourself?"

The Goddess glowered. "Link, this is no time for horseshit," she growled. "I'm completely serious. The world is spiralling faster and faster into a deep pit of despair, and we -"

"Ahem," Din cut in with a frown, "not 'we' - 'you.' "

"And I have seen to it that it will be cleansed once again," Hylia corrected hastily. "You have been chosen to pass a series of trials so the earth can be rid of evil - for good."

"But why me?" I whined. "I have a 3 o'clock at the dentist's tomorrow!"

"Link!" she reprimanded. "Saving the world is way more important than a root canal or whatever! I chose you because you seemed the most capable of the job!"

"How the hell can I save the world?" I snapped. "I can barely toast bread!"

"You seem to do an unfathomably excellent job of saving your own ass every night from intruders for someone who can 'barely toast bread,' " she sniffed disdainfully.

"Sure. Break lamps over some skulls and you're a hero," I mumbled darkly.

Hylia's eyes narrowed dangerously and she crossed her arms. "Link, everything has been strategically prepared in the most delicate manner for this. You will save the world, whether you like it or not, I will see to this. We can settle this the easy way or the hard way."

I sighed heavily and considered it. Sure, there was a good chance that I was dead as soon as I was out the door, but what if I wasn't? I hadn't ever actually left the village for fear of the residents, but what if I could successfully get out of here? That was definitely a plus, even if I didn't have a choice about getting involved with this 'hero' business.

"Alright, alright, I'll give in," I replied. "Just out of curiosity, what is the hard way?"

"It involves your lower region and hot sauce."

I cringed.

"Are we done here?" Nayru piped up. I noticed that her voice was very high-pitched, but she spoke somewhat slowly and rather softly, as though it was difficult for her to process the current events, and her expression was always a little bit confused. "I'm sure I left the stove on high and Mr. Snuffles doesn't enjoy it when his bath's too hot. He may be a little overheated, considering I put the lid over the pot so the water wouldn't cool." She then punctuated her sentence with a small hiccup and a glazed expression thrown my way.

"Good Lord, I can feel my brain cells decaying as I stand next to you…" Din muttered.

"Yes, I think we're no longer needed here, Hylia," Farore said decidedly. "The three of us will be on our way."

"Why did you even come here?" I asked. "You didn't even do anything. You just sat around and listened."

Farore shrugged as she directed Nayru away from her dangerous proximity of the fireplace. "Moral support? I don't know, we Goddesses sort of just tag along with each other."

"Alright, no more explanations, Hylia can clearly handle the rest herself - there's a first," said Din. "Let's get Airhead over here to her now-surely-dead rabbit and me into a nice bubble-bath."

"Mr. Snuffles is - ?"

In a flash of light they had all disappeared but the blonde. Hylia turned to Link and carried on with their previous conversation.

"So, you've agreed to accept your fate, then. Excellent."

"Yeah, by force."

"I don't need hot sauce to cause you unyielding pain."

"Oh, joy! I'm risking my arse to save the planet! Whatever could possibly go wrong?"

She smiled. "Better. There's the attitude I want to see. Now, your first task is to travel to Faron Woods, where you must find the Elder Kikwi. He will then explain what you are to do and you will proceed from there. Before venturing into the woodland, though, you must obtain a sword and a shield to battle your way past fiends."

"Okay, cool." I processed this further. "… So, where can I get a sword and shield, and where exactly is Faron Woods?"

The Goddess blinked. "What? How do you not know where Faron Woods is? It's the only forest around here for miles!"

"I don't leave the house much, thank you. I hardly know what it looks like down the block."

Hylia facepalmed. She seemed to be reconsidering her decision to pin me as hero.

"Look, Link, you're going to have to leave eventually to get to Faron Woods, and preferably it'd be now. So pack up essentials and get going - it can't be that difficult to spot a bunch of trees. Assuming you know what that is."

I glowered and mumbled something about where I'd like to stick a tree right now.

"I've got to go, there's tons to do with this hero business," Hylia concluded. "Remember - Faron Woods, Elder Kikwi. Ask for directions if you can't get around, I dunno. Just get to those woods." Without a moment to spare, Hylia was gone in an instantaneous flash as well.

As if choreographed, with a "pop," Navi had reappeared. Her hair was sort of bedraggled as though she'd been in a violent scuffle.

"Jesus, that was way too strenuous. Talk about a rumpus," she was muttering. "Stupid brat."

This confused me. "I thought Fernando had been spanked?"

Navi laughed. "Oh, God, no. That child be spanked? It's positively undoable. She's a complete maniac. It was the step-mom I had to swoop in and save."

"Wait - I - What? I thought…"

"Yeah, I'm Fernando's fairy godmother, but I'm there because I need to keep an eye on her and make sure she doesn't do anything too drastic, like set her brother on fire or blow-up the house. She's deranged. You should've seen what she did to her Great Aunt Millie - no, wait, you shouldn't have. You'd never look at sheep the same way again…"

I didn't want to ask. "Err, so the Goddesses just left."

"Did they? That's good. So, you're up-to-date, then? Got the scoop?"

"Uh, yeah."

"Wonderful. Off to Faron Woods."

"Well, first I need to -"

"Hey, are you listening? I said we're off! Don't just stand there!"

I was immediately frustrated beyond description. "I know, but I was told to -"

"Go to Faron Woods."

I ground my teeth, surprised that they hadn't been reduced to dust.

"Hey, listen, you can't be a hero by just sitting in your living room."

"I understand this, but I have to - !"

"Hey, listen! Are you listening to me? Listen!"

I wasn't listening, though. I'd been rendered incapable - my ears were bleeding profusely. And thus began my journey to Faron Woods, where I meet a very unhelpful and senile kikwi. I suppose I could tell you about the next half-hour where I run about like a moron trying to find myself a sword and being landed with a measly pocket knife, Navi shrieking the whole way, but that really doesn't do much for the storyline and those are memories I'd rather not delve into. Ever.

Without further ado, let's get back to the current events.