I had no idea that it's been YEARSsince I lasted posted! I doubt I still have the attention of any of this story's original readers (I would have given up on me a long time ago), but I'm still so sorry if I've left anyone hanging! Although, are my stories even good enough to warrant any sort of mental distress when they are absent? Kinda doubt it.
The following is a long rambling author's note in the face of so long an absence. Anyone not interested…skip past the bold bit!
To anyone still with me here (and still interested, perhaps?), I thought I'd give you a little background on where I've been for the last few years! This humble author now has three part-time jobs to help pay for that tuition! School goes very slowly for the poor who are not eligible for financial aid! I'm now living in my own apartment and alternating between loving and loathing the life of a bachelorette. My fridge has the tendency to hit the kind of empty were not even condiments are to be found.
But perhaps the biggest (and best!) change in my life is the wonderful relationship I find myself in. We have been together 4 years and he is completely lovely :) We actually have a history that goes back 10 years…but that's a long story that I will not bore you with at the moment. He might actually provide inspiration for my writings, since I now know for myself what euphoria and love are like. I also understand what it's like to be understood and cherished. And even after four years, we defy other people's predictions by still being crazy about one another!
Anyways, enough rambling about my love life…here is the (hopefully anticipated) continuation of Love's Trial!
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So here's the fourth chapter and I'll be posting at least one more at the same time. Consider it as part of my apology…enjoy!
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Disclaimer: I own nothing but the love of the best man in the whole wide world :)
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WARNING: There will be swearing! I just want to draw your attention to the rating as well as the warnings I laid out at the beginning of this story. I'm sure people noticed but I think that my warnings bear repeating: there is swearing in this story. There are also sensitive issues that may not be appropriate for everyone. Namely, there are mentions of both domestic violence and alcoholism. Please do not read this story if any of the above would be disturbing and/or inappropriate for you.
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Sesshomaru glanced up from his book, his gaze settling on the clock hanging on the wall. 6:32. He and Kagome had spent a quiet day at Sesshomaru's home, minus the turmoil in the morning of course. It had slipped his mind until now, but Sesshomaru realized that it was Saturday night. Maybe Kagome would appreciate a night out? There was also the fact that she cooked dinner every night; maybe it would be appropriate to take her out to eat for once. Sesshomaru had the feeling that taking her out to eat was the only way to prevent her from cooking. Sesshomaru set his book aside and made his way upstairs to Kagome's room.
He knocked once at Kagome's door, which was open slightly, before pushing it all the way open. The door was already started on its inward momentum when Kagome's call of "Just a moment" reached his ears. But the door was already open. Kagome stood there, obviously in the process of changing, with her arms tangled in a shirt's fabric, her eyes wide with shock, confusion, and embarrassment. Sesshomaru stood across from her, the door knob in hand, shock and confusion fighting for dominance in his mind. Long moments passed with the two simply staring at each other. Sesshomaru suddenly returned to his senses.
"Sorry," he said and quickly backpedaled out of the room, closing the door behind him.
Sesshomaru walked quickly down the hall before stopping and standing at the top of the stairs. Sesshomaru stood there without moving for some time, his vacant eyes staring into nothingness. Later he would recall this incident and simply feel like a fool. But his current thoughts were not on his mortification. Kagome's back and torso had been bared to him and Sesshomaru was disturbed…and angry…at the bruises and scars marking her skin. Disturbed at the pain that Kagome had gone through and angry…very angry…at the person who had done that to her…
But Sesshomaru was also uneasy. He was uneasy because those injuries were not what haunted him so vividly at this moment. No, what would not leave his mind was Kagome herself. The image of her was what made him so uneasy and so distracted. He was not sure what his feelings were exactly but he was uneasy about the way her image kept repeating in his mind. The frailty of her slender frame. The way her silken hair brushed against her exposed shoulder blades. The curve of cheek and neck as she turned to look at him. The long eyelashes enhancing the shape and color of her beautiful eyes.
Sesshomaru finally shook himself out of his stupor and descended thoughtfully down the stairs…his mind still on Kagome.
'What the hell is wrong with you?' he groused to himself.
Kagome came downstairs about ten minutes later, her eyes downcast and fixed on the floor. She walked into the living room and came to a stop near Sesshomaru, but without speaking. Sesshomaru looked at the top of her bent head but soon looked away, unable to find anything to say about what had transpired upstairs.
"Would you like to go get something to eat?"
"Yes."
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Sesshomaru tossed back and forth in bed, fruitlessly trying to fall asleep. Then, almost as though he was in a trance, he rose and slowly made his way to the study. He came to an abrupt halt just outside the door. Sesshomaru stared blankly at the woodwork, his mind working furiously. His resolve to cast off his drunken weakness was disintegrating in the wake of his body's demand. He took a couple of deep breaths. He couldn't even think straight right now. There was no harm in having just one drink, was there? Just one? Sesshomaru walked slowly into the study, leaving the door open. Perhaps the open door would make it less tempting to lose control. Just one drink. Sesshomaru went up to the liquor cabinet and stared at the bottles there. Suddenly, Sesshomaru slammed his fist into the wood sideboard. No! Who the hell was he trying to fool? One drink, like hell! Damn. Damn damn damn! Sesshomaru closed his eyes and took a few shuddering breaths, willing his shaking body to relax.
"Sesshomaru?"
Sesshomaru whirled around, and felt as though his heart had dropped towards his knees. Kagome...
"Are you okay?" she asked softly.
Sesshomaru felt humiliated and all too aware of his clammy skin, shaking limbs, and feverish breathing. He could only manage a shake of his head. Why did she have to see him like this? The shame was almost unbearable. What would she think of him now? It was some time before Sesshomaru worked up the courage to look at Kagome. To his great surprise, she didn't look remotely disgusted. Only concerned.
"Why don't you go up to your room?" she suggested after a short pause. "I'll join you in a moment."
Sesshomaru dropped his gaze.
"Please?"
Sesshomaru nodded and slowly made his way to his room. What was he going to do? What was she doing? He couldn't think…
Sesshomaru entered his room and slowly sat down on the bed. Kagome came in shortly later. She had a glass in her hand.
"Here," she said softly. "Drink this."
Sesshomaru took the glass from her and was ashamed at his trembling hands. He tasted the drink and discovered that it was diluted brandy. He looked at her.
"It's hard to stop cold," she said, answering his unspoken question. "Just a little alcohol a day will help lessen the withdrawal symptoms."
Kagome settled herself on the edge of the bed. "Drink," she said firmly.
Sesshomaru complied but was ashamed at the way his trembling hands caused him to spill some of the liquid down his chin. He soon finished the drink and set the glass down. Sesshomaru took a couple of deep breaths and was surprised to discover that his yearning for drink, though still formidable, was no longer insurmountable.
"Now," Kagome said. "Lie down."
Sesshomaru complied; his feelings of docility made him feel helpless but he did not have the strength or resolve to change the situation. Kagome went over to the bookcase and gazed at the titles for a moment before turning back to face him.
"Shall I read to you for awhile? What would you like?"
"Anything."
Kagome nodded, selected a book, and then settled herself at the foot of the bed. She opened the book and began to read. Sesshomaru hardly heard a word in ten but the sound of her voice was soothing and he gradually fell asleep.
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Sesshomaru slowly opened his eyes, squinting against the harsh daylight filtering through his curtains. What time was it? He rolled over and checked the clock. 10:23. Sesshomaru found himself doing a double-take. He couldn't recall the last time he'd slept so late. No hangover. It had been a long time since he woke up without nausea and a pounding head. Sesshomaru cautiously sat up. He didn't feel great…but, then again, he didn't feel horrible. Sesshomaru got up and took a shower before going downstairs. Kagome sat at the kitchen counter with a cup of coffee and the newspaper. She looked up as he approached.
"Good morning," she greeted. A faint frown line appeared between her eyes. "How are you feeling?"
"Surprisingly…okay."
"Would you like some coffee? Toast?"
Sesshomaru took a quick internal assessment before nodding. "Both, please."
"One slice or two?"
"Two."
"Coming up."
Kagome began to bustle about the kitchen, speaking to Sesshomaru over her shoulder.
"I opened the newspaper. I hope that's okay. I wasn't sure when you'd be up."
"No problem. Are you done with the financial section?"
"I set it aside for you. The sports are underneath."
Sesshomaru couldn't help the smile. Kagome noticed and paused.
"What?" she asked.
"It is amusing to realize how predictable I am."
"Not really predictable. You just have a routine."
"Same thing, I think."
"Perhaps," she said with a smile of her own.
Kagome set the coffee and toast in front of him and the two finished up breakfast in companionable silence, the only sounds coming from the turning pages of newspaper. Once they had finished, Kagome started to stand but Sesshomaru deterred her.
"You cooked. I'll clean."
"I wouldn't exactly call it cooking," she said, but sat back down anyway.
Sesshomaru feigned busyness as he attempted to find the right words. Also while he attempted to banish his embarrassment and pride, so that he could actually say the words. Finally, when there was no other way to stall in the kitchen, he decided to bite the bullet.
"Kagome."
She glanced up from the newspaper. "Yes?"
He struggled to un-stick his tongue. "How did you-well, that is…how-would you like to see a movie?"
She looked surprised but said, "Sure."
"Okay. I'll call and see what's playing."
And Sesshomaru, for all practical purposes, fled the room. Since when did he get so nervous and tongue tied? Since when did he invent excuses when he lost his nerve? He didn't mind seeing a movie, but that had not been his question. Sighing, he picked up the phone. He hoped there was something decent playing, in order to distract him from his stupidity.
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"How did you like the movie?" Kagome asked.
Sesshomaru was trying to think of a diplomatic answer, but his concentration was broken by Kagome's laughter.
"Don't worry, I didn't like it either. Sorry for suggesting it."
Sesshomaru looked at her. He had never encountered anyone so able to read him. He wondered if Kagome was that perceptive, or if he was that obvious.
"What is it?" Kagome asked. "Are you okay?"
He smiled slightly. "I am fine. I was just wondering how you seem to know what I am thinking."
"Oh. I guess because I pay attention to your facial expression."
"I suppose I must be too demonstrative."
Kagome's lips twitched ever so slightly. "No, not really. I think that once you get to know someone, you learn how to read their subtle mannerisms."
There was a brief silence before Sesshomaru said, "I suppose I have not picked up on your expressions enough. What are you thinking right now?"
"That few men would have agreed to go to that movie."
"Maybe I have a fever."
Kagome looked at him blankly for a moment. Then she laughed. "I'm glad to see you like this."
"Like what?"
"I don't know. You just seem more…lighthearted right now. I'm glad."
"Hmm."
Sesshomaru didn't tell Kagome that the likely reason for his supposed lightheartedness was her company. He couldn't find the courage to do so. He checked his watch.
"Would you like to get something to eat?"
"Sure."
"Anything in particular?" he asked.
"Surprise me."
They ate dinner and returned to the house by nine. Kagome immediately excused herself to take a shower. As soon as she was out of sight, Sesshomaru all but collapsed onto the couch in the living room. He had been feeling fine for the most part. But his desire for a drink kept growing stronger as the day wore on. He got up and paced about the living room, feeling too restless and agitated to keep still any longer.
Kagome seemed to appear suddenly by his side. Sesshomaru had not even noticed her approach. Sesshomaru stopped in his tracks and met her gaze. He felt heat creeping up his neck. There was no way that Kagome could fail to understand his pacing.
"How are you feeling?" she asked.
"Not well."
"I'm sorry."
Kagome sat down and indicated the seat next to her. Sesshomaru sat.
"Why are you helping me with this?" Sesshomaru asked abruptly after a prolonged silence.
She seemed surprised by his question but answered readily, "Because I want to."
"But why?"
"I care about you. Besides you've helped me so much, I consider it a privilege to be able to help you in return." Kagome looked down at her hands briefly. "I also hate seeing anyone in so much pain."
"I am a pathetic object for your sympathy."
She frowned and Sesshomaru found himself looking away. There was a long tense silence. Sesshomaru's startled gaze flew to Kagome's face as he felt her hand on his arm. She looked very serious.
"Don't say that," she said firmly.
"Why?" he asked, shrugging from her grasp. "It is true. I am pathetic and weak."
Sesshomaru barely avoided vocalizing his surprise when Kagome placed her hand to his face and gently forced him to look at her. It was several moments before he had the courage to meet her gaze.
"It is not true," she said seriously. "It's obvious that you were trying to ease some enormous burden. You cannot be blamed for the poison's effects. Or the hold it came to have on you."
Sesshomaru dropped his gaze as his throat suddenly tightened with emotion. Rin…
Kagome dropped her hands and Sesshomaru chanced a look at her. She smiled sadly at him but did not speak. Sesshomaru knew she was not going to force his confidence. But…for some reason…he wanted her to know.
"This began when Rin, my daughter, died," he said in a low voice. "I adopted her when she was seven years old. She was only 14 when she was killed." Sesshomaru closed his eyes at the surge of pain welling up in his chest. "She died in my arms, before I could get her to the hospital."
"I'm so sorry, Sesshomaru," he heard Kagome whisper.
Sesshomaru drew a shaky breath before continuing "I had never cared for anyone as I did for her. Never loved as I loved her. When she died…it was so painful just to get up in the morning. I couldn't stand being within my own mind. Every night, the guilt and grief…the alcohol helped me to forget."
There was silence before Kagome asked softly, "Guilt for what, Sesshomaru?"
Sesshomaru clenched the couch fabric in his fists. "It was my fault she died."
"What do you mean?"
"She died because of me. I promised to protect her. Then I let her walk home at night. She was attacked, assaulted, and left to die. It was my fault."
"Sesshomaru. Sesshomaru, look at me."
After several moments, he complied. She gazed at him before speaking.
"It was not your fault. It's tragic what happened to Rin, but it wasn't your fault."
Sesshomaru broke eye contact as he said, "I wish I could believe you."
They were silent again for nearly half an hour, both lost in their own thoughts. Sesshomaru was slowly pulled from his own thoughts as his withdrawal symptoms began to reappear. He felt a tremor in his hands and sweat forming on his brow. He felt Kagome's gaze on him but couldn't meet her eyes. She got up and left the living room without a word. Sesshomaru stared after her. Before Sesshomaru had time to wonder, she was back with a glass in hand. Sesshomaru took it without a word and gratefully began to drink.
"Thank you," he said, when he had finished.
"You're welcome."
Sesshomaru settled back against the couch and closed his eyes. He felt Kagome settle on the couch next to him.
"I have been meaning to ask you," Sesshomaru said, keeping his eyes closed. "How is it that you seem to have experience with this kind of thing?"
Kagome was silent for so long that Sesshomaru thought she wasn't going to answer.
"My mother drank herself to death when I was ten."
Sesshomaru's eyes flew open. He sat up and looked at Kagome. Her gaze was directed at the wall and her hands were clasped together in her lap.
"I am sorry for bringing it up," Sesshomaru said.
She didn't answer right away. "It's okay. It was hard, but at least she's in a better place. Far away from my father. I tried to help her stop, but it was too late. Her liver and heart failed…and she passed away."
"Leaving you alone."
"Yes. My father blamed me for her death."
"What? Why?"
"He said that my birth was what led her to alcoholism." Kagome looked down at her lap. "Maybe its true…I wouldn't know."
"Kagome. It is not your fault. Even if the timing is correct, it is not your fault. She chose drink for reasons of her own. In any case, I would hesitate before taking your father's word on such matters."
She shook her head. "You don't even know him."
"I know he is abusive. Abusers blame everyone but themselves for the things that happen."
She didn't answer and Sesshomaru could see the tears trickling down Kagome's face. Sesshomaru found his own discomfort paling in comparison to the need to halt Kagome's crying.
"Get dressed."
She looked at him with confusion. "What?"
"Get dressed," he repeated. "Please."
"Okay," she said. "But why?"
"We're going somewhere special."
"Okay," she said, still clearly confused.
Kagome went up the stairs and descended just over five minutes later, now dressed in pants and a blouse.
"Is this okay?" she asked.
"Yes. Come."
Kagome followed Sesshomaru outside to his car. The two climbed in before Sesshomaru pulled out of the driveway. He knew Kagome was curious but he deliberately didn't say a word on the fifteen minute drive. They pulled into an empty parking structure and Sesshomaru opened the passenger door. Kagome looked around, her confusion evident.
"Where are we?" she asked.
"You will see. Come with me."
They entered an elevator and Sesshomaru pressed the button for the fifteenth floor. When they stepped out, the hall they entered was nearly dark and Sesshomaru took Kagome by the elbow to guide her. They walked nearly fifty feet before stopping outside a large double door. Sesshomaru withdrew a ring of keys from inside his pocket, unlocked the door, and shut it behind them. It was pitch black inside and Sesshomaru felt Kagome grab his arm. Sesshomaru quickly flipped on the lights. The room was large with high white walls, a number of metal desks, and a large glass window which showed an even larger space beyond. Below the waist-high window were a number of gears, switches, and the like.
"Is this your office?" Kagome asked.
"Look out the glass."
Kagome complied and then gave a small gasp. Sesshomaru came and stood next to her. They were looking down into a large room where several large pieces of machinery could be seen.
"Is that the machinery they use for training astronauts?" Kagome asked breathlessly.
"Yes," Sesshomaru said. "And the other machine is a flight simulator."
"This is great!" Kagome said with awe in her voice.
Sesshomaru smiled, pleased that his attempt had been successful. "Would you like to try the flight simulator?"
"Can I?"
"Yes. Come with me."
They went down into the room and Sesshomaru took Kagome over to the flight simulator. He strapped Kagome in and explained how to "fly" properly. Though Kagome's flying left something to be desired, she was obviously having a blast. Sesshomaru realized that she was merely enjoying the experience, not letting her lack of skill hinder her enjoyment. Sesshomaru had to admire this since most of the people he worked with cared only that they did things with technical perfection. They stayed several hours, before finally calling it quits at one o'clock.
"Thank you so much, Sesshomaru!" Kagome said. "That was so much fun!"
"I am glad you enjoyed it."
"Though I guess I'd make a pretty lousy pilot," she laughed.
Sesshomaru smiled. "What you lack in experience, you make up in passion."
"Thanks…" she hesitated. "Do you think we can do that again sometime?"
"Of course, if you wish."
"I do. Thank you."
They drove in silence for a time before Kagome suddenly gave a small gasp. Sesshomaru jerked his head around in surprise.
"What is it?" he asked with concern.
"Tomorrow…well, today, is Monday!"
"Yes…" Sesshomaru drew out, not understanding what she was talking about.
"You have to work today and it's so late!" She looked at him apologetically. "I'm sorry."
"Do not worry about it," Sesshomaru said, hiding his relief that this was Kagome's only concern. "I wanted to take you there. All I wanted was for you to enjoy yourself."
Sesshomaru felt Kagome's gaze on him but didn't speak until he shut off the car engine.
"What is it?" he asked.
"You were trying to cheer me up, weren't you?"
Sesshomaru hesitated. "Yes," he said carefully.
"Then, thank you again. It worked."
"Good."
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Okay My Lovelies…that was chapter four. I will be posting the next chapter as well…please accept my apology :)
Oh, and I apologize for any inconsistencies between my fanfiction and reality. I'm not an expert on alcoholism recovery or software companies :) This is not my best work (in my opinion) and, to be honest, I don't really want to spend the research time on it. Apparently there is laziness in the face of disappointment ;)
As always…please R&R!