A/N: I wrote most of this at like 11:34 in the evening, because that's when I got the idea fresh in my head. And by the way, when I put in parenthesis for something it's not author's notes, it is meant to be side notes in the book. Okay, here's chapter one, part one of the Devious Buffoonus, and I'd like to thank Vitia for the suggestion she gave to me, and Happy Feet Fan 24, for the reviews.

Disclaimer: I don't own the Sly Cooper franchise, it belongs to Sucker Punch, though I heard a different company was working on Sly 4, correct me if I'm wrong.

The Devious Buffoonus

Chapter One

Section one: Pushing Buttons (Sly)

The very first thing every thief needs to know before going out in the field is how to push buttons. No, that's not a typo, you really need to learn this because if you don't, you're going to be stuck sitting there, with a dumb-founded look on your face much like you are right now. Besides, pushing someone's buttons is all part of the fun of being a thief, if you can't at least be a minor annoyance to people then what's the point? You're already stealing their cookies, see what I mean? Now, some other books may try to tell you that our controls are just a cheap rip-off of theirs, but that's not true, obviously if you believed them you'd be reading their book right?

Let's start off with our current master thief's controls, that's right, we're giving a few of the best buttons Sly Cooper has, that you can push. We must warn you though; he has some very interesting buttons that can be pushed.

The first button is his cane, if you push that one, you'll get your standard, but also humorous "old person" attack, otherwise known as: "Swinging the cane." This can be a most helpful button to push, because he is very obsessed with his cane, his "precious" family heirloom, and will do almost anything to retrieve it if it's lost or falls into the wrong hands. Also note that this button is shaped like a square, because that's exactly what you are if you don't use it, a square, so use it or lose it buddy.

Moving on to the second button (which quite possibly may be our favorite button to push, is the gadget button. This button lets you pull out a variety of suckers to let loose on unsuspecting criminals. Our favorites include: a whoopee cushion, because farts are one of the most useful distraction methods, not to mention they can put a guard to sleep in less than ten seconds (the real ones anyway); shadow power (do we even have to mention the places you can get into with that? I mean we know Sly must have used it to get into Carmelita's office and just eyeball her reports on him right? Nah, thieves have honor.); and last but certainly not least, disguises. With these babies, you can slip right past guards with style and ease (note: the presence of the word style does not guarantee you'll look good in those tights so don't get any ideas.) No one is smart enough to notice that you're a raccoon, or that you have the absolute worse fake accents in the universe, you're totally covered with that.

Our third button is the grapple/climb button, and ohohoho, until you've experienced the thrill of hopping onto a giant cop lady, who probably wants to squish you, eat you, arrest you, or maybe all three at the same time; you have not lived, so find yourself an enormously big momma and try it out, er rather don't it's also quite dangerous more likely to your health than ours, but what the heck, give it a shot.

Now the last button we will cover in this section for our favorite raccoon is the binocucom (yes it's the weirdest thing we've ever spelled, but it makes one heck of a stalker tool. Because you obviously won't be using this to scope out the land for the heist, no you have other more important things to do, like checking out that tres belle girl over there. Wait no, never mind this is thievery not matchmaking, you creepy stalker. You really shouldn't be doing that, we'll be covering a hippo, a turtle and a very hot fox in the next section, so you'll still have plenty to gawk about, well, about the fox that is.

A/N: I really debated with myself on splitting this into two sections, but I feel like I needed to get something else up to keep people interested, plus I wanted extra time for the next part. The next entry of section one will be focused on Bentley, Murray, and Carmelita. Reviews/critiques/suggestions are welcome.