A/N: Valentine's Day special! I must say, I'm really enjoying writing this story thus far, but one thing I noticed is that while I have several different visitors and over 300 hits (small in comparison to other stories, but that's a lot for me) I have only two different reviewers –head scratch- I don't think my anonymous reviews are turned off or anything, so come on, tell me what you think, even if you dislike it for some reason. Oh, and if you have some funny jokes you think I could write into the story feel free to pm me them, and if they're good I'll try to find a way to get it in, and I'll mention your name in the next chapter. Also, I know I said I would cover some pirate ships and biplanes, buuuut I ran out of time, so that will come up in the next section I promise.

Disclaimer: By now you should know I don't own the Sly Cooper franchise, if you don't know; well you're just a bit slow. Also the pick-up lines that appear in the story come courtesy of top ten pick-up lines, and lines that are good. Of course you're familiar with a lot of them, but I wanted to spice things up a bit.

The Devious Buffoonus

Chapter Two: Cops and Robbers

Ah, the classic pair of cops and robbers, going at it since the first crime was committed. They go together like peanut butter and jelly, but they clash like anchovies and ice cream. If you plan on becoming a master thief you should obviously be aware about the two, though we're quite sure you know about the thief already. So we'll cover him really quick, and move on to the real object of the lesson for this chapter.

The thief is a clever fellow, always thinking, cunning, devious even. His own basic mindset is this: I see it, I like it, I take it, and I hope I don't get caught in the process. There are other philosophies also, like: finders keepers, losers weepers; or all the money in the world is mine, the people are just holding it for me; but those filter out to other criminal types also.

Now we have the police, the fuz, the boys in blue, the politzia, the coppers, the man. There are several different archetypes these cops can fall into, and we will cover four of them. Let's have a look-see.

Type One: The Good Cop

These cops are usually found in conjunction with "The Bad Cop" (we call this split personality), but occasionally you'll find them alone. This guy (or girl) will try to make you feel like it's okay to cooperate. He'll be as patient with you as possible until he makes you feel so bad for breaking the law you just have to admit to everything you did. DO NOT; we repeat, DO NOT fall for this tactic, especially for you guys when it's a lady cop, or girls when vice versa. Many a good thief has been suckered in with promises of lollipops and cookies, if they'd just return what they'd stolen or admit to a crime they committed. We've been there and we promise you, the cookies are crap.

Type Two: The Bad Cop

Also found in conjunction with "The Good Cop" (see above); have you ever met an angry person? Sure you have, but have you ever met someone so angry at the world that they make you want to wet your pants? (We hope not, but bring spare undergarments just in case.) This guy will make you hurt bad. He'll insult you so bad up and down the line that Slytankhamen would roll over in his grave (and he's a mummy). The key to this guy is not to let him faze you. Even if he threatens you with the horrors of listening to Rebecca Black and Justin Bieber nonstop for 24 hours, YOU MUST STAY STRONG. Even if he forces you to watch the Twilight movies, just think happy thoughts like: Unicorns eat rainbows and poop Skittles or something like that. You'll get through it.

Type Three: The Lazy, Good For Nothing Cop

Honestly we love this guy. He's your stereotypical average, run of the mill, donut loving, coffee guzzling cop. The only danger he really poses to you is when you least expect it. You could be running in an alley way and find him sleeping in a garbage can. Next thing you know, you're being carted off to jail, and he gets a medal. A good tactic is always the "donut on a fishing rod trick," works every time.

Type Four: The Female Cop

Perhaps the most dangerous out of the four, this femme fatale can distract you with her looks, and if you're too busy flirting with her, hopefully you won't mind an engagement ring around your wrist instead of your finger. Guys, as long as you keep your head clear, you can avoid the embarrassment of being slammed on a car like a hood ornament, and instead be looting some jewelry store. Keep in mind though, the female cop can fit into almost all archetypes, she's not just a separate breed.

Now, we know you're probably crying your eyes out while reading this, because no one wants to spend a night in the slammer on Valentine's Day. So we've come up with a good list of ways to get away from cops. And it's actually quite short and easy to remember.

Number One: RUN LIKE HECK!

Duh, running is the oldest form of self-defense known to man. Don't believe any of that kung fu crap, it's hogwash. Run like the wind, run like your life depends on it (note: we're pretty dang sure if you've got a shock pistol loving vixen on your tail it does), Run Forest run!- er we mean um, you get the picture, move them legs folks, it's the best choice you've got.

Number Two: Donut Distraction

We've already mentioned this, but our point? Cops. Love. Donuts. It works like a dog and a bone, a cat and a ball of yarn, a monkey and a piece of- well uh you know. But seriously just try tossing a donut in a well nearby a bunch of coppers and see what they do. We guarantee they'll get stuck at the entrance trying to get that delicious piece of fried goodness.

Number Three: Flirtation

This is for the cops that fall under the female archetype. Guys, occasionally, sometimes you could be able to sweep a lady cop off her feet with a well-placed compliment. When they're distracted by their burning love for you, that's when you resort back to number one. Love em and leave em. We know it breaks your tiny little heart (we'd love to see what it's like getting married in an eight by eight cell also), but your freedom comes first. To better show what we're talking about here, we've actually gotten an example story for you, involving our friend Sly Cooper. He read our book on the absolute best pick-up lines to use for cops, and he just so happened to try it out one night. Be sure to send him some responses and thank you's, since he sent us feedback.

Sly slowly pulled the police hat over his head in order to disguise himself from the real cops. He wore a full uniform that he and the gang "borrowed" from another off duty cop. Today was Valentine's Day, well more Valentine's Night, but he wanted to show up and give Carmelita a little surprise. He was armed with a rose in one hand, and a heart shaped box of chocolates in the other. It was a classic set up; he stood outside the building where Carmelita's office was located, ready to go. "Sly are you ready?" asked the ever so nasally voice of Bentley.

"Ready as I'll ever be pal," Sly whispered into the com-link in his ear. He walked into the building and quickly located the elevator on his right. After pushing the button and waiting for the door to open, he quickly checked the small list of words and phrases he had to say to Carmelita. It was a short ride up to the floor where the office was, and he wasted little time getting to her door and knocking on it.

"Come in," said the beautiful voice of the vixen. Sly opened the door and sauntered in to see a surprised Carmelita sitting at the desk staring at him. Not wanting to have an awkward silence for too long, he quickly said, "Girl, if you catch me breaking into your house, it's revenge for stealing my heart."

"Excuse me? Who are you and what are you doing in my office?" Carmelita stood up.

"Uh I'm the new, recruit," Sly thought of a name, "Cupid."

"Well, Cupid, is there anything you want to tell me?" Carmelita placed her hands on her hips.

"Yes, I wish to report a robbery." Sly replied.

"Finally we're getting somewhere," thought Carmelita.

"You've stolen my heart," Sly smiled and handed her the rose he was carrying, "I wanted to show this rose how beautiful you are."

Carmelita's mouth dropped open.

"Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day," Sly just kept going.

"But I don't even know you!" Carmelita was starting to get angry.

"That's okay, we can get to know each other, on a rooftop balcony in Paris," Sly said dreamily.

"This is Paris you, moron," Carmelita said, frustrated.

"You know this chocolate is sweet," he handed her the box of chocolates, "But not as sweet as it would be if you gave me a kiss."

That was it; she slapped him across the face, knocking the hat off to reveal his true face (not like we didn't know it was him already). It took her just a second before her confusion grew to anger, then rage.

"COOOOOPEEEEERRRRR!" She reached for the shock pistol lying on the desk as Sly jumped out the window and climbed down the fire escape, still spouting off lines.

"Your daddy must be a hunter because he sure caught a fox!"

ZAP!

"It's raccoon season now, ringtail!" she fired at him.

"If you were a booger, I'd pick you!" Sly quipped.

POW!

"That doesn't even make sense you idiot!"

"Did you fart? Because you just blew me awaaaaYEEEOOW!"

That shot connected with his tail, as he finally reached the alley where the Cooper Van was waiting to pick him up. As he jumped in the back and the van sped off, he could still hear Carmelita shouting death threats at him, his ancestors, and his future descendants. Bentley then leaned over and asked him, "So, would you consider that a success?"

"Aside from getting shot in the tail, I got to annoy the cop lady of my dreams. I'd consider this the most fun Valentine's day I've had in a while." Sly smiled and fainted in the back of the van from exhaustion, while Bentley rolled his eyes.

Well, we hope that clarifies things for you, if you would like to know, we have a Valentine's Day special on how to be a romantic thief coming out. We wrote the book on romance.

A/N: Whew, finally that's done. Hope you guys enjoyed it. There's was so much cheesiness there I could have covered a hundred Ritz crackers with it. Anyway read, laugh, and review (seriously please, it motivates me to update this one, and if I'm not getting reviews, I'm not sensing that I'm funny or entertaining, so it makes me get discouraged )