Chirp, chirp, chirp.
Cravat chirps excitedly with the tip of his nose smelling the air through the hem of Nezumi's jean pocket. He can smell the familiar surroundings and he sounds almost sad that he can't be down on the ground scurrying around with joy like Hamlet does.
"Yeah, yeah I know. I don't need you guys chirping every two seconds to know we are there."
Nezumi walks up the last hill and stands facing No.6 with his foot over a jutting piece of rock, one he had overlooked the city on top of many times before, his backpack hanging loosely at his back and his hands in his jacket pockets. The wind blows his hair to his face. It isn't really cold nor is it warm. The sun has risen a few hours ago over the mountains behind the city and No.6… without the wall… glows under the golden rays like a snow globe only one made with sunshine.
I already know we are here.
He considers stopping by his old place for a moment to check on his books but he doubts they are still there. There have always been thieves all around the West Block and the only thing that had prevented them from storming into his place at night was Nezumi's existence and the public knowledge of his skill with the knives. With him gone, he knows, it probably didn't take a couple of months, even weeks for everything to be stolen. Especially after the Manhunt 4 years ago. It was still the beginning of spring and people needed heating.
Nezumi winces. The idea of his entire collection of books being used as firewood hurts him more than the unfortunate fate of any other belonging he has ever had but what is gone is gone and sitting in the middle of the rubble and dirt and crying after it won't bring back what is lost. So he decides against stopping by his old hideout and with the decision comes a pang of nervousness and a strange sense of excitement because there is no more excuse to delay what is to come. The feeling creeps into his stomach and settles there like a hungry viper, crawling, turning, shifting inside him. Nezumi draws in a needful breath. Like he did several times during his journey back to No.6 he pulls his hand out of his pocket and touches the neck of Shion's shirt under his scarf and jacket. He feels like an idiot every time he does that, especially more so now because Shion is right therein the city glowing before him and he shouldn't need any more encouragement than that but also a part of him recognizes a distinction between the owner of the shirt and the one living in No.6 now. Nezumi hates to admit it… but he fears that the Shion from 4 years ago, the one who wore this very shirt… will somehow be different from the one in the city now.
There are other things that scare him but he doesn't even allow them creep into his mind. He rejects them, refuses them and sends them back to where they come from without giving them a moment's chance to take form in his head. Because he knows if he does, he won't be able to take another step forward for the rest of his life. But he has given a promise and Nezumi keeps his promises. The rest doesn't matter.
Or at least that's what he keeps telling himself.
Nezumi jumps down the rock to the ground immediately beneath it and starts walking towards the city. Even from here he can see drastic changes in his view. Most of the wall once surrounding No.6 is now gone. Compared to 4 years ago the West Block looks a lot more like the small town it once used to be probably thanks to the support of the city which once shut them all out. Most of the buildings seem repaired or in the process of being repaired and no matter how hard Nezumi looks he can't find any one with a gun in his hand chasing thieves down the road. The main road has been cleaned and paved and all the rubble and wreckage from the last Manhunt is nowhere to be seen. Nezumi feels slightly surprised to see how everyone seems adapted to this new order in which they are allowed to depend on the once evil entity called No.6 that degraded them as lower human beings. None of them appears to be on edge or frightened as they walk through the market with full bags in their hands. He knows it's been 4 years but he still can't help but think 4 years still shouldn't be enough to change everything so drastically.
"Are you a traveler, Mister?"
Nezumi looks down at the voice and sees a small boy, probably at the age of six or seven. He has brown hair and big brown eyes full of curiosity and a piece of pastry in his tiny hands. It seems impossible that a boy as defenseless as this is standing on the main road of West Block with something to eat in his hand without anyone attacking him.
"Yes, I am. What is your name?"
"Yuu, Mister. Where did you come from?"
Such innocence. Such honest, curious eyes. They remind him of Shion when he was 12. Nezumi puts a hand over the kid's head and smiles. There is no fear in the eyes of the little boy as Nezumi tousles his hair.
"From far, far away. Where is your mama?"
The boy looks behind him and points to a small meat shop with a tiny hand.
"She is there. She said we're gonna have stew for dinner tonight."
Nezumi smiles at him again.
"Do you know what goes really good with stew?"
Yuu's eyes widen with wonder as he looks up at him.
"What?"
"Cherry pie."
"Really?"
"Yes. They are inseparable."
A cheerful excitement sparkles in Yuu's eyes and he runs off to share this new information he has attained with his mother. He turns around before disappearing behind a crowd of people and yells back at him.
"Thank you Mister! I'll definitely tell my mom!"
Nezumi waves at him and continues down the road. It takes him 20 minutes to cross the West Block and the now wide open gates through the wall and enter the city. Nobody stops him or asks for any sort of identification. He notices immediately that the rest of the wall has also been torn down and a wide stone paved road has been carefully stretched between No.6 and the West Block, connecting them to each other. There are green saplings everywhere shooting from the ground as if they are determined to color the brown hills with green. It's already a winning cause.
Once inside the city another feeling Nezumi hasn't felt for a while comes over him. A nostalgic frustration of not knowing where to go. He has a general idea of the districts and the location of the Lost Town but just like the West Block, No.6 also seems to have changed during the last 4 years and it only adds more to Nezumi's confusion. He gestures Hamlet to lead the way, knowing that apart from a great memory of places his mice also have great memory of food and he doubts neither Hamlet nor Tsukiyo has ever eaten anything better than Karan's pastry.
Hamlet takes the lead and scurries hurriedly through the roads and streets of No.6. Nezumi follows close, passing people chattering with cheerful voices and kids playing in unfrequented roads. The change in the city seems to be for renovating reasons rather than for luxury seeking purposes as it was before. There is something else different in the city which Nezumi can't put his finger on. Just like the absence of the wall, he feels the absence of one more thing and it feels good. He looks around in a small park in the middle of Lost Town and suddenly it hits him. The order is gone.
The painstaking order in which every single flower, tree, animal and even park benches were placed is no longer there. The nature is still existent, maybe more prominent than before with all of the remaining life on earth but for the first time since Nezumi remembers, No.6 looks natural. There is nothing calculated and measured about the arrangement of flowers or trees or the animals that could occasionally be seen.
Hamlet chirps across the park next to a Sampo robot and Nezumi walks to him. Two more streets,Nezumi thinks and for a moment he is nailed on spot with an overpowering urge to go back. It is still not too late to turn around and disappear when there is no damage done. Shion still doesn't know he is back and maybe he is used to his absence already. Why bother him and ruin his life, again, when he can easily go back and leave him alone?
Go back…where? he thinks to himself and he has no answer. He has nowhere to go back to. He never did. The moment he picked the path on his left over the right one in No.3 this placehas been where he was going back to.
Hamlet looks up at him in askance. He is not happy with his master and seems like he would truly enjoy nibbling on his hands again for good measure. Nezumi ignores him. His hand reaches for the collar of Shion's shirt one more time and he keeps hearing his own voice promising Shion that they will meet again.
Is this the extend of your cowardice? He asks himself. Are you really that much of a coward that you'll run away from your own promise?
Nezumi grimaces. He hates himself for his weakness but he knows when Shion sees him, everything will change. Nothing will ever be the same again and Nezumi will be forced to leave behind every mold and mask he feels relatively comfortable being in. He will never be able to go back to his life before he came here because Nezumi knows, if Shion is still waiting after 4 years, he will not, ever, let him go again.
You have already known this when you decided to come back.
Hamlet chirps again at his feet. His exclaim is of encouragement this time rather than a complaint. Cravat also chirps from inside his pocket and even though he feels like crap, Nezumi finds it funny that they are trying so hard for him… and for Shion.
I've made a promise. I looked into his eyes and swore to him that we would meet again. I kissed him to seal that vow. There is no going back.
"Nezumi?"
The voice startles him and he turns around to see Karan, Shion's mother, with two large shopping bags in her hands, standing 20 feet away with a surprised look on her face. Her initial surprise fades as an overwhelming compassion and a smile almost too bright too look at forms on her face.
"H-Hello Ma'am… How are you?" Nezumi sheepishly manages to ask as she walks to him. Although he has former experience Nezumi is still caught off guard when Karan drops her shopping bags and pulls Nezumi into a hug. He doesn't know what to do with his hands, or what to say for that matter so he just stands there letting her pull him against her chest. Her arms close around his shoulders and Nezumi leans over so she can reach him. He is taller than he was when he was 16 and she had had difficulty even then. Though that doesn't seem to stop her anyway. After a while she lets Nezumi go and asks with a voice warmer than the summer sun,
"When did you return?"
"I just entered the city maybe 10 minutes ago."
"Could you possibly have gotten lost Nezumi? You seemed like you were confused."
Lost… yeah, you could say that.
"No, I actually have my mice leading the way. They seem unable to forget about your bakery."
Karan laughs wholeheartedly and kneels in front of Hamlet. Caressing the top of his head she speaks to the mice just as her son used to do.
"Hello there. It's been a while, hasn't it? Have you seen interesting places?"
Hamlet chirps excitedly and raises his head to her touch as his whiskers tremble with pleasure.
"Ah, you are so sweet. Would you like something to eat?"
Hamlet scurries under her hand and starts running in a circle indicating the mere idea of her baked pastry sends him into an absolute frenzy. Karan giggles to herself before she rises to her feet and looks up at Nezumi with her molten brown eyes.
"Come on then Nezumi. You must be hungry too."
Nezumi feels a sensation close to panic surge through him. Being around Karan makes him feel nervous and he has this feeling that she always, always knows more than she shows. It is as if through a mere gaze, she can see the deepest parts of his heart and the darkest of his secrets and the most terrifying memories of his past. But she still looks at him with so much affection and care Nezumi eventually has to look away because he thinks that's a gaze he doesn't deserve. Not after everything he has taken away from her.
"Ma'am… maybe it is better if I just wait… for… uhm… him... I mean, Shion."
He can't even talk to her. Nezumi who has always prided in his ability to talk eloquently out of any situation can't even form a simple sentence to talk to this woman. He really can't say why Karan has such an effect on him but he thinks it must be because inexplicably, Nezumi respects her and the courage in her heart.
Nezumi feels Karan's touch on her arm and when he looks at her he is showered with another sun-warm smile.
"Shion doesn't live in the bakery with me anymore. He has his own place now."
At first Nezumi doesn't know what to make of it then he just dismisses the alternative of looking for him that present itself in his mind all too quickly; going back just because he doesn't know where he lives now. It isn't that easy anymore.
"Then if you could tell me, where his new place is Ma'am, I could just go wait for him there."
Karan smiles again before she talks.
"That brings us back to my invitation for you to eat something first because Shion quite possibly won't be home until late evening anyway. There is no point waiting in the street. Just come and eat while you wait."
Then her smile widens.
"Shion would be really mad at me if I leave you to wait for him in the street for hours."
Nezumi knows she is probably right so he doesn't argue when she starts walking almost as if she is sure Nezumi will follow. And follow he does but not before he asks for the shopping bags in Karan's hands.
"Ah, thank you Nezumi. You are really very kind."
Nezumi feels blood rushing to his head and recognizes the feeling at once; embarrassment.
What the hell am I doing? Carrying bags for Shion's mother… I can't believe how just as easily adapted I am to domesticity as those people in the West Block are.
Karan walks without talking for a while as Nezumi has an internal fight with himself then after a side-glance at Nezumi's direction she notes,
"You've gotten taller."
"I guess so."
"Shion's also… but I don't think he is taller than you. He'll be disappointed."
Nezumi can't help but smile at that.
"Too tall wouldn't work for him anyway," he says before he realizes that he is talking to Karan about Shion'sheight. Compared to 10 minutes ago, his situation right now seems unbelievable.
Karan laughs and agrees,
"That's what I told him too."
Nezumi waits with Karan's shopping bags in his hands as she unlocks the door to her bakery.
"I've only left for 20 minutes to get some ingredients, I hope no one came while I was out," she says worriedly as she gestures Nezumi in.
The moment Nezumi drops the shopping bags on Karan's counter the bell at the door rings and a couple of kids come inside happily chattering amongst one another. They ask for scones and Karan gives them a bag full of scones with cherry jam and even the mere smell make Nezumi realize just how hungry he really is.
When the kids leave after expressing their love for the bakery and the lady with magical hands, Karan turns around and guides Nezumi into the back of the shop where she does the baking with a tiny eating area at the corner.
"Why don't you take off your backpack and jacket? I'll put them away for you."
Nezumi just obeys without thinking and it is a little too late when he notices the look on Karan's face at the sight of the white shirt he wore over his gray long sleeve. It is a very common type of shirt, so she can't possibly know it belongs, or belonged, to Shion once but her expressions suggests otherwise. And yet she doesn't say anything about it but Nezumi thinks as he sits down with embarrassment sinking deep inside his stomach that he caught a glimpse of a smile on her lips.
"So… when did Shion move out?" he asks in a desperate attempt to change the subject.
"It's been over a year. At first he didn't want to leave because whenever he had time from his busy committee schedule he would help me with my deliveries and sales. But he eventually had to move to his own place, somewhere closer to Chronos so he wouldn't lose as much time going there and coming back home. He refuses to use the bullet train or a car. He says he only feels alive when he rides his old bicycle." Karan shakes her head affectionately at her son's antics as she pulls out freshly baked croissants from the oven and sets them neatly on a plate for Nezumi.
Nezumi thinks he can easily imagine Shion, riding his bicycle down a road, with his head thrown back so he could feel the wind on his face. Somehow that scene he imagines reminds him of his screaming in the storm 8 years ago… That's his rebellion. His declaration of freedom. That's just, Shion.
He hears himself chuckle and feels momentarily surprised until Karan brings him his plate full of freshly baked croissants with a mirroring smile on her face. The look and the smell of the croissants make his mouth water but he tries to eat them slowly in order not to appear like a starving monster that has spent the last 10 years of his life in a desert.
Karan sits down next to him with a small plate of left-overs from the morning and puts it down on the floor for the two mice who have been considerate enough to disappear until they were told it was safe to come out. They attack the food with no reservations at all and it only makes Karan laugh as she rubs their heads with her fingers.
"The white one is Hamlet, am I right?"
"Yes. That's what Shion named him because apparently he likes listening to Shion read Hamlet to him."
"Then you must be Cravat." Karan tells the light brown mouse named after her own cravats because of his color. Cravat looks up at her and chirps proudly before diving for more cheese cake.
"Tsukiyo will be so happy to see you two." she says and with the mention of their friend both the mice look up at her and chirp excitedly even forgetting about their food for a while.
"How is he doing?" Nezumi asks, translating for the mice.
"Oh he is great. He stays with Shion but he sometimes comes all the way here to keep me company during the days."
"I'm sure he enjoys the pastry as much as your company Ma'am."
"You can call me Karan, my dear. He enjoys the pastry at least as much as these two do. You could even say he is now a slightly over-weighted mouse."
Nezumi feels his throat constrict upon hearing Karan say 'my dear' and he is immediately assaulted by another wave of restlessness coming from not knowing what to say. Feeling cornered, he decides to comment on her pastry.
"I couldn't blame him really. You are really a commendable baker."
"Thank you Nezumi! I'm glad you liked it! Come here for more anytime you want."
Nezumi murmurs his thanks and then they fall silent. Karan lets him eat for a while as she plays with the mice. Nezumi almost wishes she had some customers now so he could at least pull himself together and act like a decent human being with manners.
"He will be so happy to see you."
Karan speaks still looking down at the mice but somehow Nezumi knows she isn't talking to the mice. He swallows the last bite of his crescent shaped croissant with difficulty then forces himself to speak.
"How… how is he Ma… Karan?"
Karan looks up at him and smiles.
"He is okay... Really." Karan replies… Then her cheery expression is shadowed with something like sadness and she continues.
"It was hard at first. He had so many things he had to do, so many responsibilities and he had it really hard for some time… He wouldn't sleep at night. He thinks I don't know about all those nights he stayed up awake working himself to exhaustion or just got out on the roof terrace and stared somewhere in the distance for hours."
She smiles kindly again.
"Initially I wasn't sure why. But then I figured it out. It was really hard for him."
İOh please… Don't say what I think you are about to say… Please don't./i
Nezumi looks down at his empty plate as if it is the most interesting thing in the entire world and wishes with all of his might that Karan doesn't continue with that revelation.
"I wish he would share more with me. I wish he would tell me about the boy who saved his life, my son's life, over and over again. But that is the one thing I can't make him talk about."
Nezumi feels as if his whole face is on fire. Sitting at the back of Karan's bakery with Shion's shirt on him and listening to her talk about things he didn't even let himself think about is something he never thought would happen in a million years. He should have known it though. Going back to Shion meant going back to No.6. It meant being a part of a life which was initially Shion's to begin with. With all the places and people in it.
"I… he saved me too. He saved me just as many times as I've saved him… if not more."
Karan doesn't speak and Nezumi can't look at her. Then suddenly, he feels her hand over his head, gently caressing his hair. It is almost unbearable but Nezumi wills himself to stay and take it. He can be rude and acrimonious with anyone, but he will never reject this woman or her touch. If she wants to hug him or caress his hair, he will stay there and let her. He owes her that after everything she had to suffer because of him. And yet what she might say to him scares him, when his determination is still hanging on the end of a thread as fine as silk.
"I'm... I'm sorry." he manages to murmur.
Karan's hand come to a stop over his head. Nezumi can't look at her but he can hear the surprise in her voice.
"What could you possibly be apologizing to me for Nezumi?"
"If.. if it wasn't for me, Shion's life wouldn't be in jeopardy in the fist place. He wouldn't need any saving. You wouldn't have lost your beautiful house in Chronos and had to live here, stripped of all your rights."
Nezumi forces himself to look at her.
"If it wasn't for me, he would never have gone through what he did. He wouldn't have changed. He would still be... the Shion from when he was 12."
Karan listens to him until he finishes and he looks away. Feeling her heart ache for not the boy he has given birth to but for the one sitting in front him right now, Karan leans forward and takes both of his hands in hers.
"I've lost nothing Nezumi. The life we had in Chronos... although indeed beautiful and easy, was not a happy life. There was no joy of living, no aspiration, no challenge, no purpose. I'm happy here. You have tasted my goods. Do they taste like they were made by someone who isn't happy with the job they have?"
Nezumi can only shake his head.
"Do you really think this whole case with the wasps and the government plotting wouldn't have happened if Shion hadn't have met you? Of course it would. They had been planning for that for years. If it wasn't for you, Nezumi, Shion would be dead. Because there would be no one to save him."
Karan caresses his head again before adding,
"You have given me my son. You don't owe me anything. But there is so much I owe you my boy. So much!"
She leans over and continues,
"Shion has become so strong... so strong after meeting you. Yes Nezumi, he did change. He turned into a man I'm proud of. You have given him something no one else, not even me could give. Everytime I look at him, I see you in his eyes. And, I understand now why he admires you so much."
Nezumi just can't take it anymore. He wants to get away, and hide in a corner in which only there he can think about it all this and process their meanings. He can't look at her and find anything to say for the life of him. He just nods and looks down at his feet.
Karan pulls her hand away and speaks before he does.
"Let me give you something sweet to keep you energized."
Nezumi feels his entire body relax with the change of subject.
"There really is no need M-Karan. I'm good."
Karan is already up on her feet though, pulling a wide plate from the fridge.
"I actually baked this for Shion. It is his favorite, but I'm sure he wouldn't mind me giving some to you."
And even before he sees it Nezumi knows it is cherry pie. Karan's cherry pie. A taste bearing 8 years. Karan cuts him a generous slice and leaves the plate in front of him just as the bell rings. There are customers.
"I'll be right back," Karan says and as her back disappears behind the curtains Nezumi thinks he couldn't be more grateful for the customers arriving at this moment. He stares at the plate in front him still feeling Karan's touch on his head and the thought of Shion staring out in the distance for hours at night overtaking his mind. He is finally given some peace of mind about how thoroughly he destroyed Shion's life. He sees the drops falling before he feels them and his hand immediately reaches over his eyes to wipe his tears away before Karan returns.
When she does return, Nezumi has collected himself and is taking small bites from his cherry pie.
"Is it good?" Karan asks a little worried with how serious Nezumi looks.
"It is delicious." Nezumi smiles for the first time since he ran into her and Karan's face shine at the sight of his smile.
"I'm so glad you liked it!"
"It is my favorite too." Nezumi replies kindly. "And no one makes it the way you do."
Karan blushes with happiness but as Nezumi rises to his feet her eyes show concern.
"Leaving already?"
"I would like to go and wait for Shion at his new place. He might just come home early today and I don't want to miss him."
The moment he says it, he feels it. He wantsto see him. He wants to see him so bad, his heart quickens at the thought.
"But are you going to wait outside? I really don't feel good about this Nezumi."
"It is okay Karan. Really. I'd rather be there when he comes back."
Karan looks at him for a while before her brown eyes shine with excitement.
"Oh I just thought about something!"
"What is it?" Nezumi asks a little wary.
"Shion had given me a spare key to his flat. I'll just give it to you so you can go to his house and wait for him to come back. I just need to remember where I put it." Karan says laughing.
"Are you sure? I can wait for him outside."
"No I can't let that happen. There are still hours before he comes back. It is just 1:30pm." says Karan as she goes to check a cupboard at the far side of the small kitchen. Going through the drawer on the left, she makes a victorious sound and turns around with a pair of keys in her hands. She walks to Nezumi and shows him the long one of the two.
"This is his house key. The other one is for his mailbox. You just use it and get inside and make yourself at home until he comes back."
"Thank you." is all Nezumi can manage to say. But Karan isn't satisfied until she gives him a whole basket of pastry that could keep him going for 2 weeks in the West Block, claiming that he would get hungry while waiting. Donning his jacket and picking up his backpack Nezumi walks to the door with Karan following behind. Hamlet and Cravat disappear from the kitchen, choosing a different route to meet Nezumi outside.
"I'm so glad I got to talk to you Nezumi." Karan says and there is so much sincerity in her voice Nezumi is immediately reminded of everything she said in her kitchen. But he still meets her gaze and smiles at her a heartfelt smile as he replies,
"I'm too M… Karan." Nezumi answers. Karan chuckles at the last moment change and reaches forward to hug him again. Nezumi has been expecting it so he leans over and lets her hold him close. Before she pulls back Karan whispers in his ear 4 words. And when she lets him go Nezumi sees her eyes have watered up although she is smiling. She pats his cheek affectionately and waits at her bakery's door until Nezumi disappears from sight in the direction Karan has told him to go.
How strong he looks, Karan thinks, and how fragile his heart really is. Probably even more so than anyone Karan has ever met. An overwhelming need to protect him surges through her heart and Karan understands a fractionof why he means so much, so inexplicably much to Shion. Her gratitude to Nezumi for saving her son's life will never fade but now it isn't the only thing that connects them and makes Karan love Nezumi with all her heart. He is the one Shion chose and Karan is proud of her son for choosing a man like him.
And Nezumi walks to Shion's new place with both of his mice tagging along. His heart feels lighter and determination stronger. Through the entire journey from Karan's Bakery to Shion's new apartment Nezumi doesn't once think about going back. Instead, in his mind, he keeps repeating the words Shion's mother whispered in his ear before letting him go…
Words that have always been the purpose of his life ever since he was 12. Words that had kept him going through everything and anything he had to bear. His only little selfish wish. A mere command he repeated to himself in the past 8 years over and over again.
Just as Karan has gently requested of him… And just as his own heart told him to do...
"Take care of him."