Chapter 12: Letting Go
"I absolutely trust him." – River
"He's not some kind of madman then?" – Father Octavian
"I absolutely trust him." – River
"No."
"No, what?" Said Amy.
"No!" And this time River sounded older and more confident.
"You want something. You waltz in here destroy my world and you want something. Well guess what. You aren't the Doctor. You don't get to change my life and then demand I help you."
"River, you know now that you've been trapped in your own head. You know I told you the truth."
"Why should I believe you told me the complete truth? I'm not going to trust you just because you tell me to. Anyway your story doesn't always make sense. How can I have been in a coma since," and there is a long pause before River continues, "since I killed the Doctor and still come to Leadworth and watched the man you say isn't my father die? I can't be in two places at once."
Amy sighed. "River I didn't want to tell you this yet, but you died the first time the Doctor met you. You sacrificed your life to save him. Used handcuffs too. That was a nice touch."
River tries to speak but nothing comes out. She tries again and manages to croak a single word. "Spoilers."
"Not really. You died, but it wasn't the you that is here in front of me now. If the Silence created a ganger for me what makes you think they haven't been doing the same thing to you? The Silence sent her specifically to save the Doctor by sacrificing herself. They wanted him to trust you, they wanted him to feel guilty, and most of all they wanted him to feel beholden to you.
The Doctor tried to save her. He managed to put her consciousness into a supercomputer, but he couldn't save her life. The entire time he has known you he has the foreknowledge of what he thinks is your death eating away at him. And yet after that experience he still doesn't trust you the next time he meets you. I don't know what he knew or suspected, but he obviously didn't accept the situation at face value."
"In the future I'm stuck in some – Silence cursed computer!"
"No. I don't know your future. Your ganger died. Chronologically it happened in your past actually. You weren't in direct control of that body the way I was with my ganger. The Doctor only thought he'd put her consciousness in the computer. It didn't work; the Silence didn't give her enough of you to survive without a physical form. All he did was put an echo in that computer. Just as well though. I can't think of any version of you that'd be happy spending eternity inside a computer."
"So you're telling me that there are a bunch fake Rivers running around the Universe doing things I have no knowledge of or control over?"
"Yes and no. They're all you to a certain extent. They have your memories and your personality, but they've also all been manipulated by the Silence."
River looks lost. "I don't know what to think anymore. How do you know this anyway?"
"The Silence have detailed records on every you they have ever created."
"Show me?
"Yes, but you need to wake up first."
"Fine. Time to wake up."
"Wait! I still need you to help me. You have something that doesn't belong to you River. And you need to let it go. Let him go."
"Let who go?"
"The Doctor. He wasn't just showing you his memories when he died. He was showing you his soul."
"His Soul?"
"Soul, spirit, consciousness, the bit that's left when you remove all the bits you can measure, what makes him uniquely himself is now in your head."
"Amy," River is almost whispering now, "the longer you talk the less you sound like yourself and the more you sound like the Doctor."
River looks closely at Amy and sees something fleeting and so old pass through her eyes.
"I'm sorry River. It's just me. I've spent too much time with only the Tardis to talk to and my memories to keep me company." She quirks her lips into something resembling a smile and continues, "I know he's gone but you can almost feel him in the Tardis. I talk to him a lot, and the more I talk and the more I remember the more I sound like him."
There is a long pause, and then River starts singing under her breath.
"Tick-tock goes the clock
And what then shall we see?
Tick-tock until the day
That thou shalt marry me?"
River stops singing and then chokes out, "Except it won't happen. He's dead and I killed him. I'll never have my happy ending."
"River, I'm sorry, I really am, but it's time for you to let him go."
"How? How can I let go of the most beautiful thing I've ever seen the most wonderful thing I've ever known? Will I even remember him?"
"You'll have all of your own memories left."
"But I won't have him. I won't feel his presence anymore."
"River do it for him. He doesn't belong in your head."
River bows her head. "I know. What do I do?"
"Take my hands and relax."
River and Amy grasped hands and River saw her own mind spread before her like a sky full of stars. Every memory twinkled and shone some with clear light some with angry pulsing colors, but all together they were beautiful. Wrapped among the stars was a glittering field of gold that River knew was the Doctor.
Amy whispered into her mind. "I'm going to pull and you have to let me."
River watched as the gold field unwrapped from her stars and flowed gently away. There was a feather light touch on her mind, and it felt like a farewell.
River spoke, "I'm ready to leave now."
Amy's voice seemed to come from a great distance. "Just open your eyes."
And River opened her eyes to a different world.