Kya heard the door open as she sat on the end of the bed, staring down at her folded hands. The outer door the office closed with a soft sound, then the distinctive melody of clanging steel plates as Loghain walked across the room. She heard him pause outside the door to her attached bedchamber. For so long he was still she wasn't entirely sure he was going to come through it at all.
It had been hard enough for both of them to say goodbye the first time, with promises of 'I'll see you again', but there wasn't going to be any such comfort this time. Kya knew it and she knew Loghain did as well, by his hesitation. He so rarely second guessed his decisions; she couldn't even ponder what was going through his head.
The silence seemed to drag on for an eternity. Kya retreated inside her own head; a flood of remembrances washing over her. The look in his eyes in Redcliffe before the battle, the touch of his fingertips atop Fort Drakon, the sound of his voice when he told her he loved her. He might be standing only paces away, just outside the closed door, but she knew that Loghain was already a thousand miles away in his heart.
He wanted to leave.
Slowly, the door creaked open and he walked in, his armor ringing again. Kya's eyes didn't move; they were riveted to her intertwined fingers. He made no sound at first, standing still as a stone. Then she heard him shift and the sound of the buckles on his armor. One at a time, he removed the plates; she heard him set them gingerly on the chest by the wall. Through the veil of her hair, she stole a glance at him. His back was turned to her as he unfastened his greaves. First the left, then the right. The plates clinked together as he set them on the pile.
Shrugging his shoulders, he let his chainmail undershirt slip down, leaving him in only a rumbled gambeson and padded leggings he wore under his armor. Loghain stood up straight then, squaring his shoulders, still facing the wall. He took a long deep breath as he turned and Kya looked away quickly, back at her hands. She could only see his feet as he took the few halting steps towards her, then sat down beside her on the bed.
Gathering her resolve, Kya lifted her head to find him staring at her with his cool, unsettling eyes. She frowned and swallowed, trying to remember how to smile, but failing at it. She dropped her head again.
Loghain raised his hand and cupped her chin, tilting her face up to look at him. He didn't move to kiss her, only continued to watch. Kya felt dissected under his gaze, like he was looking in to her soul for signs of weakness, for signs of doubt, for signs that she would not be able to keep her promise to him.
"When I come to see you before I leave, I want to know that my loving you made you stronger, not weak. I want to know that loving me made you less bitter, not more."
She could see those words in his eyes, as clearly as if he'd said them again. Kya had struggled with her conscience, to keep her promise. If only to please him, to let him go to Orlais, to the Deep Roads and his death in peace, without her sorrow weighing down upon him, she knew she had to fight her own inclinations. She knew she'd helped him let go of pain that he'd carried for so long – what horror would it be for her to give him more guilt to take its place?
It was so much easier when she wasn't looking into his eyes, when there wasn't the warm soft touch of his fingers on her face, to let him go. But a part of her knew that there was no choice here for her. There was only the inevitable.
Loghain shifted his position beside her, reaching out with his other hand to tuck a lock of her hair behind her ear before setting his palm against her cheek. Kya closed her eyes, reveling in the soft leather of his skin, the warmth of his life underneath, the scent of steel no longer hidden underneath a bitter tang of sadness.
He'd let her go already; she knew it somehow. But still, he was here, for one more moment. One more night stolen out of lives of duty and no other choice and all the other madness she knew her heart would remind her of once he was gone.
Loghain managed to smile faintly, finally leaning in towards her. His lips brushed the corner of her mouth and her cheek, his hands sliding from her face, around her neck and down along her shoulders. Kya melted against him, burying her face in his neck. She loved the smell of him, the way she seemed so small and safe in the circle of his arms. She tried to burn the feeling into her memory.
There was no point in arguing about it. There was no point in a thousand questions, no reason to tell him more of the threat they faced to saddle him with more worry. It was her turn to carry the burden now, and she was determined to do it.
It was his actions, his and Morrigan's, that ensured that she was still breathing – that she had a chance to live her life and not die a martyr for Ferelden and all of Thedas. What sort of an insult would it be to not do as he asked then? Kya couldn't do that to him. Despite everything that he was, everything that he'd done, his mistakes and crimes and horrors, despite the fact that he was about to walk out of her life toward the embrace of his own end, Kya loved him.
And she was damn well going to live like she really meant it.
She pulled away, just enough to catch his eyes again, this time showing him the strength she'd managed to dredge up out of her misery. That was the strength that he loved – she could see it by the subtle change in his expression, the sly curve to the corner of his mouth, the way his eyelids got just a little heavy.
"I won't lie and tell you that I won't miss you," she said finally. "But I will keep my promise. I will."
"I know that you will," Loghain replied. "You have always been a woman of your word, even when you have promised foolish things, as you did to the King, as I recall." The corner of his mouth quirked a bit more.
Kya cocked her head at him. "If I recall," she said dryly, "Not everything about our jaunt to Ostagar was a horror. I seem to remember make making some rather vivid memories there."
Loghain barked a laugh. This was the man she wanted to remember him as, not cold and walled up, trying to protect himself from her sadness, but the real man hidden under the armor. The man with the surprisingly dirty sense of humor.
"Yes, I do believe I recall that as well," he smirked. Quickly, quicker than he looked like he could move, he swung around, pushing her down on her back. He leaned over her, his dark hair hanging down alongside his face, his customary braids swinging with the movement. Kya grabbed one of them, tugging at it.
"Don't you ever learn?" she smiled. "These give you a headache.'
He shook his head indulgently. "Not anymore," he said. "Apparently there were other causes."
"Nonetheless," she said, unraveling the thread that held the ends and untwisting the hair as she'd done for him so many times before. He smiled at her as she removed both braids, the length of his hair brushing against his angular cheekbones. Kya reached up and tangled her fingers through the thick waves of his hair.
Smiling, he leaned in closer, his lips brushing hers again. "I'm going to miss you too," he sighed and kissed her.
In the morning with the new sun bright and blinding, they stood at the gate of the Vigil. There was the quiet murmur of the keep waking up around them. Herren and Wade bickering as the forge fires were lit, Voldrik barking at the masons to snap to it, grumbling guards wandering about and complaining about headaches and aching muscles.
The Orlesian guards that accompanied Loghain had finally made their presence known, and Kya was mildly annoyed by their stiff-backed, irritating proximity as she stood with her arms around the waist of Loghain's armor.
There had been some tears and there were sure to be some more in the days to come, but they had made their peace with one another. Neither of them had slept more than a few moments, waking with the knowledge that there would be no more nights to come. They talked and laughed in a new closeness they'd discovered. There was this odd feeling that even though they might never see one another again, unless she found his bones in the Deep Roads some day, they would always be together.
No matter who else they took to their beds, and even into their hearts, they would always be first. Kya felt like a widow at her husband's grave, finally past her mourning, remembering only love and looking forward to the future. She'd never be without him, even when he was gone.
At the moment however, Kya was having a hard time unwrapping herself from around him. Loghain seemed to be having a similar problem, holding on to her tightly while the guards watched and fidgeted in annoyance. Then again, causing distress to Orlesians was one of his favorite pastimes. She could only imagine the menace he was going to be in Montsimmard. She was a bit sad she wouldn't be there to see it.
Eventually, one of the guards cleared his throat. "Warden Loghain," he snapped. "It is time."
Loghain frowned down at Kya, kissing her forehead again before straightening up and finally letting her go. He took a step back, looking at her intently, before his frown slowly dissolved into a smirk.
"Ah," he said quietly, "I have been a lucky man to know you, Kya Amell."
"So you have," Kya grinned in reply. "It has been an honor to know you, Loghain Mac Tir. May the Maker watch over you."
"And you, my dear," he said. "The honor is mine."
With one last nod, he turned to the guards. They gestured him forward and he nodded again. Resting his hand on the hilt on his sword at his waist, he turned to go. He walked slowly through the gates, once the shadow of the walls receded, the sun glittered on his armor, turning it to brilliant silver. He stopped and turned back for just moment. Loghain's mouth opened as if he was going to speak, but instead he offered Kya a half bow. Then he turned once more and walked away. This time he didn't look back.
Kya leaned against the cool stone wall, watching as they disappeared around the corner and the clanking of his armor faded away. She took a deep breath, but watched the empty road. A pair of sparrows twittered and fluttered around each other, wrestling in the air and then stumbling to the ground. They hopped about, scolding each other before taking flight again. Kya watched them until they turned their path towards the rising sun. Then she had to look away, the brightness made her eyes water.
She wiped her eyes with her sleeve, promising herself it was only the sun and nothing else that brought the tears to her eyes. She gave the road one last look before turning away. In a few hours, they had plans to head into the wilds, into the Black Marsh where there were rumors of something strange happening to the veil. Kya had heard almost nothing about darkspawn there, but she was content with that idea. Even a disaster of magic and evil was somehow more appealing than more hurlocks. Of course, that Orlesian Warden, Kristoff had apparently found something there, and she wasn't entirely sure she wanted to find out why he hadn't returned.
But duty called, as always, and there wasn't a thing she could do about it.
She wandered slowly back toward the keep doors, watching her own feet instead of where she was walking. Apparently she wasn't the only one, because she was stopped short when she walked headlong into Nate. Her arms shot out instinctively, grabbing at his shoulders to brace herself. She stumbled back, but when she saw the look on his face, she removed her hands quickly.
"Good morning Nate," she managed, frowning at his glare.
"Commander," he said perfunctorily. He nodded his head, but still continued to glower at her.
Kya closed her eyes. "What now? What did I do this time?"
"Excuse me?" he snapped.
She blinked up at him. "Well, you're glaring at me like you could burn holes through my skull. So what is it?"
He snorted. "Why do you think everything is about you?" He looked incensed.
"Pardon me, Nathaniel," she said. Before she could say another word he snarled and stomped past her, intentionally banging into her with his shoulder. She spun around with the impact, immediate crackles of lightning jumping between her fingers. He didn't look back at the sound, just marched away.
Nate looked as angry as he had the day she'd removed him from his cell. Whatever progress she thought they'd made seemed to have evaporated. It occurred to her that he had spent a good time talking to Loghain the afternoon before, and she hadn't seen him since.
"Men," she muttered under her breath. "Honestly."
Kya had other matters to attend to, ones that were far more pressing than trying to deal with whatever in the Maker's name went on inside Nate Howe's stubborn, self-important head.
Loghain must have said something to him to set him off. She wondered how long it would take her to deal with this mess. The last time Loghain poked his nose into emotional matters, she nearly ended up with her head on a pike at the King's pleasure. This was the last thing she needed, as if the talking darkspawn and tears in the veil and the disastrous state of the Wardens wasn't enough. She recalled vividly something Sten once said to her, back during the Blight.
"In any case, I did not come here to console weepy Grey Wardens . . . ."
And neither had Kya. She had a job to do and it wasn't to make Nate Howe feel better about himself. Whatever his stupidity was about, he was going to have to get over it himself. She just hoped that the next time he needed to have her back in a fight, he wouldn't be distracted by whatever this new madness was and forget to do what he needed to. Kya did not want a darkspawn blade in the back because Nate's honor had been insulted. Or Maker knows what else.
She was so not in the mood for this today.