Summary
A St. Berry short stories collection. #1 When Finchel had a fight after Rachel's choke at the Nyada audition, Finn insisted that Rachel should give up NYC and head to CA with him, but she stormed out and ran into someone who can mend her broken faith and the provoke the diva inside her. Will there be a third chance for their love story?
Author's Note
It's just a one-shot after watching 'Nationals' and gone crazy, another version of Nationals. What if Jesse appeared after Rachel's choke and Finchel's fight, and what if 'It's All Coming Back To Me Now' was actually meaningful, for them?
I know that Finchel already had a fight before E16, but I basically skipped S3 until E16 (which is Jesse's return). So I don't know how their fight went exactly. The fight in this story will be after the choke, but it's apparently about the same topic, and will be based on my imagination.
Warning:
Spoilers for 'Nationals' in case you haven't seen it.
Enjoy, and please R&R ;)
It's All Coming Back to Us Now
~we forgive and forget and it's all coming back
Rachel didn't remember how she walked out of the auditorium, like her soul had been sucked out of her body, legs out of control, and thoughts went blank and vague. Surprisingly she didn't hit anything on the way home, where Finn was already outside her door waiting for her, for her good news.
-Or she thought he did.
What a lucky day for her, choked during Nyada audition, and had a fight with her fiancé.
Smiling mockingly at herself, she was wandering aimlessly down the main street of Lima. It was already late evening, yellow streetlights dim, darkness overwhelming, the cold night winds were so cruel, blowing on her face and it hurt like daggers.
Crossing her arms tighter, she was trying to keep herself warm. It had been rainy these days, although summer was coming, the nights weren't warmed up at all.
Suddenly, it started to rain again.
Raindrops kept falling down, and grew more rapid. Though she was in the worst mood, she still didn't want to catch a cold and ruin her voice. Lifting her head and glance around, she recognized, surprisingly, the music store she used to go to with him.
Giving herself no more time for second thought, Rachel rushed towards the store and pushed the wooden door open.
She sat down on a reading chair beside the window, the rain outside covered the city like crystal bead curtains, turning everything into indistinct figures. Through the rain, memories for an hour ago flooded back into her mind.
She went straight forward to her door, without even paying attention to her fiancé's presence in the yard.
"Hey, Rachel, what happened?" Finn frowned questioningly, and quickly followed into the house before she slammed the door at him.
She didn't even bother turning around and face him, and that set him mad.
"What? What the hell that happened made you acting so dramatic again?" He challenged, trying to grab her wrist and force her to face him.
Recognizing the glisten traces on her face, he stared at her blankly for a while, before asking, tone grew softer, "Was it about the audition?"
The show face she had been managing so hard to put on slipped at this question, and the accumulating tears fell down again, incontrollable.
"I choked, there's no way Nyada is gonna admit me." A soft sob escaped from her lips when she spoke, in inconsolable sorrow. But she somehow saw his facial expression was sort of relaxed, and assured. Before she figured out why, he spoke, and gave her all the explanation.
"Hey, that's ok, Rachel. It's not like Nyada is the only school that provides theater course. Well, maybe it's destined that New York doesn't fits you, doesn't fits us. I remembered you mentioning that UCLA-or USC?-got a strong acting program, and you can try late application by now. Plus it's close to Hollywood, so you can still be an actress. Maybe your talent wasn't for New York and that's all. Nyada isn't everything."
The emotion on her face was a mixture of furious, shock and disbelief.
"What? IT IS, Finn! Nyada, New York and Broadway are my whole life! There's no way I'm heading to Hollywood and start with some pathetic small roles on screen. Yes, I like movies, but not to compare with musical theater. I have ambitions, I have dream and I have the future I'm destined to have. Don't you see by now that this is only one mistake, well, a big one probably. But there's not a chance that I'm going to California! You're my fiancé. I thought you should be supporting me at this moment of my life, reassuring me that you have faith in me. Instead, did you just tried to convince me to take this failure and give in and go to California to be a housewife, movie actress and live what-so-called 'happily ever after'? LIKE THAT! I thought after last time we are already in good place, and you're ready to support me and be with me. I can't believe you still don't know what I want and I decided I'm marrying you!"
Squeezing her eyes shut, tears just wouldn't stop their way rolling down on her cheeks. What a mess that was.
"You singing 'Don't Cry For Me Argentina' in front of a sold out crowd isn't fantasy, it's an inevitability."
And somehow, this saying from someone that had always trusted her reappeared out of nowhere, causing her stomach clenching with uneasiness and frustration.
Why couldn't Finn just be someone that has her back? What is she gonna do in this life with him? Fighting and yelling and arguing all the time?
"Oh cut the crap Rachel, could you please take that drama queen quality off for damn once? Yes, you have talents, we all acknowledge that. You have ambitions, you have dreams, and you have a future that you THINK you're gonna have. But we are together, don't you think you should consider about me for one damn second? Your heart is full of Broadway and Tony and Grammy whatever, I know, and I understand, but you are always being yourself, yourself and yourself. You chose to be with me Rachel, at least do some sacrifice. I'm not asking you to give up your entire career, but you're not going to Nyada you know it now, why you still have to hold it against me? Isn't having me enough for you? And I do support you, I've been supportive and silent enough in this whole process of your NYC plan, but this is reality, you have to get another choice figured out and nothing's wrong with CA. You're not going to stick in Lima, but maybe you just don't belong to New York either."
"I can't believe this, your fiancée is despair, sad and insecure, and you're telling her she's not good enough or something? Even Je…"
"Who?" Finn paused and frowned with puzzlement.
"Even someone else, had told me that New York was my inevitability." She whispered in a low voice, deeply caught in the memory, and just couldn't help comparing with the present.
"Well, whoever that is, that person is an idiot. I don't believe what so-called inevitability, that person was just encouraging you to be more selfish."
"What? Selfish? "Her eyes narrowed with his use of word, "Finn, it's you who's being selfish, lazy and afraid to make some attempts. You are being unable to fight for us. Honestly, I don't even know if we are right for each other." Shaking her head with determination and despair, she was about to yell at him. Forcing the engagement ring off her finger, she tossed it to the floor, and stormed out with the weakness in her eyes so obvious, that he didn't even bother to care about.
She was half hoping that he would chase after her, but he didn't.
Of course he didn't.
Smirked sarcastically at herself, she just ran away.
A slight sound of object be put down on the table dragged her back from that devastating fight. Blinking her eyes, it was a cup of hot soy latte in front of her. Her head shot up and saw, in astonishment, the person she had been secretly expecting to see looking at her.
Glancing at the chair across from where she sat, Jesse's eyes met hers, and asked,
"May I?"
Nodding weakly, she reluctantly tugged the corner of her lips and whispered,
"Of course." She looked down on the cup, fingers wrapped around the wall of the cup and swirling it absently. "Doesn't VA usually have late night rehearsals?"
"Uh, no, I let them rest today."
Certainly, he wouldn't tell her that he did that for her, just to come by to see if she's alright. He learnt the news from Kurt, so he called off the rehearsal and followed her home. Unexpectedly caught a sight, and the sound, of her and Hudson's fight, he really made a great effort to restrain himself from beating that oaf up. But when she tossed that ring to the ground, a relief washed through his mind, heart, and provoked another hope.
He secretly cursed himself for being insane and stupid.
After what she did to him last year, he should have been resentful and mean toward her, he should have been mocking her, but seeing her like this, totally lost of her energy and passion, only made his heart soften and ache.
"Someone else had told me that New York is my inevitability."
She still remembers that!
"Then what are you doing here, come and see the lead of your competition becoming a soulless, fragile little girl, come and see her being disappointed and helpless?" She scoffed, more to herself, with a hint of hopeless in her sharp but sad voice. "Guess gossips always travel very fast huh?"
"The Rachel I met, here, two years ago, was not like this. Rachel, this is just a choke, this is just a mistake. You might choke on your audition for some plays someday, too. We are humans, no matter how perfect we think we are, how talented we actually are, you and I both know that, there are still some times that we slip and fall, unintentionally. Please don't just deem yourself low and incapable for what you love, for Broadway and for Tonys. I know it hurts, to see something you thought you can have it in the bag slip like sands in your hands. But not so early, not so early to give up, you still got time and chances to do some amends for Nyada. And even Nyada isn't accepting you, you can still have another way out, have another way to New York. "
"But I've been preparing for such a long time, and I ruined it myself? Maybe Finn's right, that New York doesn't fit me at all, that I'm destined not to be on Broadway, that I'm so delusional and selfish, and the future I thought I'm going to have is nothing but a hopeless dream." Her sobs were getting clearer in his ears, attacking his nerves and made he think that idiot Hudson deserve to be beaten up.
"Rachel Barbra Berry, look at me." He commanded peacefully but firmly, and like luring by gravity, she complied.
"I happened to tell you that's inevitability for you, for both of us. You're not going to be trapped in Lima, and you're not going to California or surrender to life to be a regular housewife to take care of children and housework. That's not what you are meant to do. So don't you dare have those kinds of thoughts right now, and don't you dare to give yourself into a wrong marriage that might ruin your whole life. And if you're influenced by Hudson's own low self-esteem, then I'm going to blindfold you to New York regardless committing abduction." She could tell that he was on the edge of furious, eyebrows twisting and there was seriousness in his eyes. "It's your future, not his, so he has no rights announce its death. And that's our future, that's what called fate."
Her eyes widened at his little speech, the pain had gone into nowhere while she was startled. A genuine but bitter smile crossed on her lips, "Why do you believe in me so much, Jesse? I don't even have faith in myself right now."
"Because I don't only believe it, but I know it, I'm sure of it." He smiled, and wiped the traces of tears on her cheeks gently with his thumb. Then he tugged her wrist and pulled her up from the seat. Rachel stared curiously at him, as he spoke,
"Let's do this one more time."
Leading her to the piano in the center of the store, where they used to sing together, Jesse sat down on the piano bench and started a song that she definitely recognize.
But she stopped him, as she trying to explain, "Jesse, I can't do this. My voice today is miserable. And what if I…" Her sentence trailed off, being afraid of mentioning that word again.
"No, Rachel Berry never sounds awful, and the reason I bring you here is to prove you that 'what if' doesn't exist."
And he started again, she didn't intrude.
"Something has changed within me. Something is not the same.
I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game.
Too late for second-guessing, too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts,
Close my eyes and leap!"
Jesse only played the piano, and saved the whole stage for her.
Tonight is for her, he thought.
Their eyes met during the song, and they exchanged a knowing smile, he knew he found his prima donna back.
The time collapsed around them, as if nothing was different from two years ago. Same place, same people, and same eye-contact with a warm grin.
"It's time to try defying gravity. I think I'll try defying gravity.
Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity
And you won't bring me down."
The classic song of Wicked, the meaningful lyrics found it all back for her. Her courage, her faith, her confidence and her determination had all recovered from the recent hurt.
The song ended, and the people in the store who had been watching quietly for all time burst into cheers, giving her a standing ovation. For the first time today she felt better, no, felt actually good, like everything that being down in the abyss of her heart came back into light, and she'll find a way back to where she wanted to be.
Walking out of the store, the night wind was still blowing fiercely. Taking off his jacket, Jesse put it on Rachel's shoulder as he realized she was shivering. The warmth of his body covered her bare skin, and sent another kind of shiver down her spine.
"Thank you." She replied sincerely, managing to ignore her racing heartbeats.
"For what?" A smile ghosted at the corner of his lips again.
"For everything you did for me." She ceased her paces, turning around to face him and directly looked into his eyes. The blue-gray pools she had been missing for such a long time. "And I'm so sorry, for everything I've done to you last year, too." Her eyes filled in with tears again, but this time, not for the choke, not for Nyada, not for future, but for them, in the purest form.
She said these words at last.
"I guess we are even now, don't you think?" He didn't want to make her tears falling down again, so he chose an easier way to answer, and actually, hearing her apologizing already swept away everything that hurts inside him.
Eyes widened in disbelief, she asked, "That's it? You…You forgave me, like this?"
He chuckled while caressing her cheek gently, "We always forgive each other easily, don't we?"
Grinning, she placed one hand on his shoulder reassuringly.
"Then, good luck the day after tomorrow. Jesse, you had been wonderful for clearing up this mess of VA, you did a great job. You guys are gonna be awesome at Nationals." And she paused before saying, "Although we're definitely gonna beat you."
Raising an eyebrow at her, he smirked. "Cocky all of a sudden? I like it." Before adding, "Yeah, I'm a little concerned about that, cuz the best singer happened to be my competition. I wish you were in mine."
"Aw, since when Mr. St. James started to concern about his competition? I doubt that. "
Hesitantly, she finally told what she had been planning on telling him after what he said earlier.
"Jesse?"
"Yes?"
"I hope that you will listen to my solo really carefully the day after tomorrow, you have to know, that I mean every word in the lyrics."
"Ms. Tibideaux?" Back to his place, Jesse immediately started a phone call, "This is Jesse. I might have a favor to ask you for."
Carmen Tibideaux was a close friend of Shelby Corcoran, and Shelby introduced Jesse to her while he was still a member of VA. Surprisingly, they got along very well, she recommended him to do Sondheim's 'Giants In The Sky' for Nyada audition, but he got rejected by another dean that day, who considered that his voice and techniques weren't capable enough to handle this challenging work.
He didn't have a second chance, and he didn't really need that then for he already got UCLA. But now, he's gonna get Rachel that chance.
"I'm wondering if you can come to Chicago and watch someone's performance."
"Ready?"
She was in ND's rest room finishing the make up when her phone buzzed abruptly.
Her lips curved up as she replied.
"Of course, just look forward to seeing us getting that trophy."
But his response was not about the same matter, causing a slight pink creeping up on her face.
"Knew you'd never delete my number."
She tried a thousand times to, but never actually pressed that delete button. Perhaps deep down, she never wanted an end.
A mischievous gleam flashed in her eyes as she texted back.
"And you didn't delete mine either, as I see it."
In the room next to hers, Jesse just couldn't wipe that smirk off his face, which caused his glee members staring at him unbelievably.
"Did I just see Mr. St. James smiling?" One blond girl was totally stupefied and stopped her hand halfway while trying to wear the lip gloss, glancing at Jesse.
"I think I saw that too." Another girl grimaced in disbelief, like they just saw some magic performed in front of them.
"Guessing who was on the other side." The blonde sighed.
"I bet it's his girlfriend."
He even grinned broader at this comment. Well, he wished he still have a chance to make her be.
"Miss Berry, you just made my team members startled."
Frowning, she asked simply,
"Why?"
"Because as I learnt, I was keeping that charming smile of mine on my face while texting you. And they never saw that before."
She scoffed, before replying again.
"Watch it, St. James, you're about to bring that arrogant bastard look back."
"Alright, enough for poking fun at each other. Carmen Tibideaux is coming today."
That made her eyes widened in panic and surprise.
"How could that ever happen? Why is she here?"
"To watch your performance."
"No way, I failed to impress her."
"And I persuaded her to come and watch your real show. I'm not making you nervous. I'm just telling you that her presence will be no big deal, so you won't freak out when you see her in the audience. You're already well-prepared for worst result, so don't worry about failing again, because I know that's not gonna happen."
Being extremely well-understanding for her drama, he already had a lot of words to reassure her in mind. But her reply made his heart skipped a beat.
"You did all that for me?"
He could almost imagine her soft whispers on that sentence, her tenderness in the dark eyes.
"Because you are worth it, and you deserve it."
They were silent for a minute, both hearts pounding rapidly in their ribcage, when the speaker announced.
"The New Directions, please get ready for stage in five minutes."
"Break a leg ;)"
"You just wait and see."
After 'The Edge of Glory' was finished successfully, Rachel stepped closer to the wing. Across from where she stood, she saw Finn looking concerned at her.
Without giving any response, she made her way to the stage.
The theater was full of audience, but remembering his smile, his words made the whole world almost vanished when the piano intro began.
Closing her eyes, taking a deep breath, the song started.
"There were nights when the wind was so cold, and my body froze in bed if I just listen to it right outside the window."
Jesse was sitting in his seat, and his gaze glued to her. She was so beautiful, glowing in the spotlight, that powerful voice he used to know bursting out with confidence. And he suddenly realized in surprise what she meant that night, by asking him to listen carefully to her solo.
Was that even possible?
"There were days when the sun was so cruel, that all the tears turned to dust, and I just knew my eyes were drying up forever."
The audience was in extreme silence, focusing on the girl onstage singing with her pure emotion, singing out the hurt of a long lost love.
"I finished crying in the instant that you left, and I can't remember where or when or how and I banished every memory you and I had ever made."
Her voice grew stronger because of the deepen of the song's emotion, closing her eyes for a second, those memories back in two years ago flooded back overwhelmingly, attacking her defense of tears.
Her glance searching within the audience, and found that pair of blue-gray eyes which was also looking at her with complicated affections.
Their eyes locked, as she continued, as the whole world vanished into nowhere.
"But when you touch me like this, and you hold me like that, I just have to admit that it's all coming back to me. When I touch you like this, and I hold you like that, it's so hard to believe but it's all coming back to me."
Finn was still standing at the wing, and through Rachel's song, he knew he was losing her.
Or maybe he already lost her.
Jesse could sense that his tears were threatening to fell freely. Listening to her pouring every emotion, every memory into the song, happiness, sadness, hurt, comfort, he got it.
"There were moments of gold, and there were flashes of light. There were things we'd never do again, but then they'd always seemed right."
Rachel didn't know, behind the curtains, almost everyone was touched. Quinn rested her forehead on Joe's shoulder, Santana was holding Brittany's hand firmly, and Kurt leaned into Blaine's embrace, face soaked, and he vaguely figured out who was Rachel singing to. Peaking behind the curtains, following the direction Rachel's eyes went, that guy was in the audience.
Everything made sense.
"If I kiss you like this, and if you whisper like that. It was lost long ago, but it's all coming back to me. If you want me like this, and if you need me like that. It was dead long ago, but it's all coming back to me."
She could almost feel his kisses, his embrace and his warm breath against her skin once more. Those long lost sensation and the missing of the past finally pulled down her strength.
They just couldn't resist tears anymore. A perfect crystal drop of tear streamed down her face, and his also fell freely.
Smiling knowingly at her, he figured out that their future got another chance, and their love story might eventually have a happy ending this time.
"If you forgive me all this, if I forgive you all that. We forgive and forget and it's all coming back to me."
"We always forgive each other easily, don't we?"
She began to wrap up her song, and then she found the dean of Nyada in the audience indeed, and the expression on her face was praising and pleased, her heart relieved a little.
Carmen Tibideaux was reluctant to come at first. She remembered the mess Rachel made out of 'Don't Rain On My Parade', so she was only half convinced by Jesse's statement 'I watched her perform that song when we first met, and she was brilliant, she was shining like a star'. But she was curious enough that how much talent did this girl really own that could cause Jesse giving such a high praise.
So she came along, and discovered Jesse was right.
Rachel Berry didn't disappoint her this time. Her strong voice burst out with full emotion depth, like someone really suffered the pain of losing love, being lonely and helpless and yearning to have it back.
Looking at Jesse's face across from her seat, and tracing Rachel's sight direction, all the puzzlement was cleared.
The Jesse St. James she knew rarely give high comments, not to mention asking a favor for someone else. In spite of the real respect he held for Rachel's talent, she must meant a lot to him, like the long lost love in the song.
Smiling at the girl onstage at the moment she saw her, Carmen leaned on the back of the seat and waited for her to finish her solo.
When the song ended, the crowd was in deep silence for one second, before bursting into a long standing ovation.
Quickly cleared her tears on her face, she gave the audience a bright, triumph smile. Then she looked up and found his gaze, encouraging and proud.
She was so lucky to have him beside her.
"Ms. Tibideaux?" After New Directions' performance, Carmen walked out of the auditorium, as she distinguished the voice behind her.
Actually she had half predicted that he would come over.
"Jesse? Nice to see you again, son." Turning around, the dean smiled kindly at him, amused by his rush.
"So, what do you think?" He asked carefully, although Rachel's song was totally remarkable, the dean of Nyada wasn't easy to be pleased either.
"I think she deserves what you said about her, indeed, she is one of the most talented kids I've met. And I'm sure that, despite her choke, she must be as brilliant as you told me on 'Don't Rain On My Parade'. Please tell her that a place is saved for her in Nyada this fall, and I'm looking forward to seeing her making great contributions to Nyada and future Broadway."
"Thank you."
He grinned widely at Carmen's words, and then she added.
"Jesse, after you called, I found the tape of your audition two years ago in our archive, and honestly, it wasn't perfect since 'Giants In The Sky' is arguably the most challenging work of Sondheim's, but if I was the dean at that time, your emotion, your passion and your vocal range would totally compensate your flaw in the song and made your access to Nyada, and I consider you a great loss of Nyada. So, good luck to you, son."
Staring blankly at her while she walked away, a sense of hope and joy rose in his chest.
He's going to try again, and hopefully, he will share New York with Rachel, like what they always dreamed two years ago.
Turning around to head back to find the girl, he stopped when seeing she standing there looking at him. Moving closer, he pulled her into his embrace and smirked at her over-excited expression.
"Is she implying that you got a chance for Nyada, too?"
"I don't think hiding behind and eavesdropping is an honorable action, Miss Berry. And yes, I'll take a shot."
"That's incredible." She smiled, "I can't believe I'm having this, after everything, and I can't believe you praised that song at Sectionals to her which, if I recall, you once said lack of emotional depth." Speaking in a teasing tone, Rachel leaned her head against his chest comfortably, breathing his warmth and scent.
"I wasn't used to giving compliments at that time, and you should be grateful that the word 'talented' just slipped." Pulling away, he winked at her. "I didn't meant to say that either. But you were and are brilliant, that day, and today, really, like a real star shining. And you look so gorgeous under spotlight."
Her teasing smile turned into seriousness, as she spoke,
"I couldn't have done that without you, and you really do make all my dreams come true." Recalling the promise he once gave, she whispered, "Perhaps I would've just miss the chance of going to New York for a lifetime and live miserably for the following years." Sighing, she continued, "I just had it out with Finn, that me and him just wasn't right at all. I had this feeling for a long time but I didn't give a full thought on it, until that day."
Swallowing hard, he finally asked, hesitantly.
"So, you're not engaged anymore, I gather?"
"Actually already not after I had that fight with him." Lifting her head slowly, she caught the tenderness in those blue pools. "I guess, that song pretty much says everything?"
Encircling his arms around her waist, he leaned closer, resting his forehead against hers. Their warm breath tangled and heated, she already knew what to expect.
"It's all coming back to us now, isn't it?" He whispered.
"If we just…forgive and forget."
Their lips met and molded into a passionate kiss, like Fourth of July fireworks bursting up in the night sky.
The long lost memories collapsed and they knew they're going to build more, in their city, and it was their inevitability.
"Darling, we've got the whole city waiting for our show." Soft whimpers slipped from her lips, and he deepened the kiss, his lips curved upward for the bright outlook of their future.
Didn't know who was first saying those three words between their kiss. But it didn't matter. No past tense, no pain, no parting and no Romeo-and-Juliet drama, it's only about two sincere hearts finally finding their way back to each other.
"I love you."
Author's Note
Rachel's choke actually sent me heartache. I remembered a few months ago when I was rejected by my dream school, like Rachel, though not the same matter, but I also paid a lot of effort in this whole thing. And you know, it really hurts when everything just falls apart and there's no way for you to make amends.
Based on this idea, it was really hurting me while writing that part, while Rachel was talking to Jesse in the music store. It's not common that Rachel cries, or that I do. But looking at all your dream and future and faith collapsing in front of you is something that can break a person. It's not being over-dramatic, I didn't talk, didn't eat and didn't speak and didn't go to sleep on that day till 3 am. But I recovered, painfully, so I personally wanted someone who can help Rachel through and earn another chance for her. And that person, we all know, must be Jesse.
Please R&R and let me know your opinion.
XOXO
BlueSunflower