Chapter 2: "You, Your Kids, and Your Johnson"
Derby's eyes widened as bloody tears squeezed out, because he apparently was an autistic vampire slut. "A.S.S.-chan, you're cheating on me. kjoejtgjisehitj;!"
"lol, u mad, bro?" asked a grinning Johnny.
"Derby-chan!" A.S.S. burst out in a fit of sobbing while still mounting Johnny, who also cried because he enjoyed hot crying during sex. "Derby-chan, I LUB U."
"NO U," screamed Derby, as he jumped into the disgusting, sweaty, jizz-glazed pile. His clothes mysteriously vanished and ended up under Bif's pillow, but that is not important here. What is important was the fact that Derby was now administrating a fifty pound box of RAEP onto Johnny's sweet, sweet ass and contracting the Kool-AIDS.
It was then that A.S.S. convulsed before a pair of magnifical, rapist black angel wings sprung like a tyrannical boner from her back and impaled everyone within a ten feet radius. She managed to stake Derby through his cold, syrup-colored heart with one of her magnificent, feathery appendages, and he provacatively slumped into her arms.
"Derby." A.S.S.'s period red eyes were now ejaculating blood like a severed arm, which was now all over a dying Derby's beauteous face. Despite this, he smiled a handsome, herpes-induced smile that would make any respectable young man jizz in his pants.
"It's...not...your...fault," whispered Derby alluringly. A.S.S and Derby then started to make out intensely while groping each other with their love mittens. Keep in mind that A.S.S. was still mounted onto Johnny, who was now slitting his wrists because the sight of his own life dribbling away turned him on. Afterwards, Ted came in and raped A.S.S. in the ass because all the Jocks had a contract stating that they had to RAEP someone every ten minutes in a fanfic or else there would be no DRAMAZ! Earnest was almost invited to the party, but his pen0r was so big that it blasted a hole through the atmosphere and was now being attacked by hungry aliens. He died of his injuries, and A.S.S. continued to regularly visit his grave while simultaneously crying stardust and slitting her wrists with those overpriced, badly made earrings she got from a certain emu conformist store.
Then a shirtless Gary in leather pants wobbled on by and said, "Bitches don't know 'bout mah pimpin' eye scar."
Then A.S.S. was all like, "OMG, Gary, take me now! Fuxxor me with your big, insane weenus!"
After some confusion about which hole was the correct one, Gary and A.S.S. finally joined together in their horny, teenage adaption of "Pop! Goes the Weasel". Well, if the song included hot candle wax, Johnny in bloomers (because he apparently enjoyed wearing bloomers during sex), and Gary crying like a bitch after being kicked in his manly peaches. He dropped like a pussy! PUUSSSSSSSSSYYYYYY!
"OH NOEZ! Nao I can't haz your kids!" lamented Gary (lolbiologyfail), as he cupped his tennis balls.
"We'll see about that!" screeched A.S.S., as she and Gary made sweet, sweet RAEP in front of the girls' dorm. No prefects came because they all died in a horrible terrorist bombing.
After a shitload of more DRAMAZ, Ted getting his ass pulverized by Seth Kolbe, and an embarrassing call to the animal control center, it was finally made public that A.S.S. was pregnant. OMG!1! Liek we weren't expecting that!11
A.S.S. began to vomit all over the place, because a little vomit is always required in a teenage pregnancy fic. Johnny began to vomit too, seeing that he enjoyed vomiting during sex. All the little kids began to vomit for no particular reason, but hey, Luis slipped on it and went into a coma. (Good night, sweet prince...) Nobody in Bullworth Academy cared, because he was a jock, and therefore, that automatically made him a horrible person unfit for human sympathy.
"Hey everyone!" screamed A.S.S. "I'm preggo with some high-schooler's kid. That's definitely not weird, even though IRL I'm a college aged pedo with pre-existing mental issues who likes to hang out with thirteen year olds on the Internetz! Wait... Did I say that outloud? Teehee..."
"That's okay!" yelled Derby, although no one really knew why everyone was yelling all of a sudden. "I'll totally accept you and your roaring mental issues, even if you are some psychotic pedophile!"
Johnny then landed his spacecraft and screamed, "I CHALLENGE YOU TO A D-D-D-D-DUEL!"
Derby peered towards A.S.S. and whispered, "I love you." He then shot up into space using his magic jizz rocket. (Guess what a "magic jizz rocket" is? That's right, A PENIS!) He was about to transform into a bong-shaped mecha archangel, but he crashed into Earnest's interplanetary pen0r and died. He ended up sexily buried next to Earnest in the local cemetery, and A.S.S. continued to visit his grave whilst jacking off furiously to Catcher in the Rye.
Johnny then wrapped his arms around her obese, convulsing belly. "Don't worry, A.S. -chan. I still love you."
"OH LAWD, MAH WATER BROKES!" shrieked A.S.S. erotically on the top of her lungs. A sexy, bloody waterfall began to explode from in between her voluptuous thighs, flooding the entire vicinity of Bullworth with the sweet taste of strawberry death. (Now part of a complete breakfast!) Crabblesnitch drowned in the ensuing tide, leaving his young lover Sheldon Thompson behind.
"I'LL SAVE YOU!" screamed Johnny, before doing a FALCON PUNCH! on her love bump.
But guess what?
A gyrating, Mexican alien sexily burst out of A.S.S.'s stomach, which was apparently Derby's incestuous child! (Many bricks were shat.) Apparently, A.S.S. was Derby's long lost Japanese twin sister, which made her the heiress to the Harrington fortune. The alien then transformed into a werewolf sewing machine complete with an electric guitar, but Kirby FIRED HIS LAZOR, and it was obliterated in the ensuing glittery explosion. A.S.S. then BAAAAAAWWWWWEEEEEED at the loss of her freakish, incest baby. Everyone else BAAAAAAWWWWWEEEEEED with her, because they obviously gave a shit.
"Why don't we make another?" suggested a cracked-out Johnny in a cow suit. Did I mention that he suddenly became a furry?
"LOL-K."
A.S.S. then proceeded to make a woman out of Johnny right on the hospital bed, which was a definite way to get the AIDS. They ended up breaking through a couple of floors before the bed morphed into a power ranger, which was awkward for all of them seeing that Johnny was turned on by power rangers. A.S.S. began to scream a highly inaccurate phrase in a random European language as she had her powergasm, because she haz to be a white person from a different country in order to appear mysterious. That, and no one likes coloured people, AMIRITE?
Unknown to them, Juri was peeling taters (because all Europeans do that, AMIRITE?) outside the randomly placed hospital garage window and listening to their violent RAEPing. He noticed A.S.S.'s highly inaccurate Russian love cries. "That's not RITE."
Suddenly, A.S.S. teleported outside and smothered him with her beautiful a-noos, because no one could find out about her true identity as a twenty-something year old pedobear high-school dropout. NO ONE. She then screamed, "¡TE VOY A VIOLAR!" because she also was half-German, half-Russian, half-Norweigan, quarter Na-vi, half-angel, half-robot, half-dead, half-eaten, half-full, half-infected, half-pedobear, and she also haz the AIDS. (You didn't have to know 'bout that!)
And then Crazy Ted broke out of jail and said, "OMG, you killed Juri! You bastard!"
And then A.S.S. was all like, "FUCK U, TED THOMPSON. Let me suck ur dick like the pedobear that I am!"
Ted developed quite an awesome face and was like, "LOL-K."
While making sweet, sweet S&M to Ted, she took out her random hunter's dagger that she pulled from the body of her dead mother and began to stab the living shit out of him. Ted shrieked like a little girl, not because he was scared, but because the steroids he was inexplicably taking shrunk his testicles to the size of a styrofoam peanut. That, and he had just remembered that he left the oven on.
"A.S.S.-chan," wheezed Ted. Johnny saw all of this and got a hard-on, because seeing Ted die was apparently a turn-on for him. "Why? Why did you haz to stab me?"
"Because I'm the legendary robot-angel vigilante, byotch. My name is...LEEEERRRROOOOOYYYY ," declared A.S.S. solemnly, while elegantly flapping her sexy black angel wings that also ejaculated neon green lazors. "Remember it."
"LOL, I still lub u," were Ted's last words before succumbing to the raging diabeetus that simultaneously made him ooze peach-flavored syrup from every available orifice. It was all good, because his death really wasn't A.S.S.'s fault, AMIRITE? (Plus, he was a jock, so no one cares 'bout him!)
Everyone cheered when Ted died, even Mandy, because she apparently was now in love with A.S.S. now. If she wanted A.S.S.'s beautiful and violent love, she would have to wait in line behind Miss Danvers, the ghost of Juri, Lightning the black wrestling dwarf, Gary, Gary #2 (who was apparently Gary #1's evil twin brother), Chad, Chad's dog, Jimmy's mom, He-who-shall-not-be-named (Many bricks were shat.), Jezebel and Delilah, emo faggot from down the street, Robert Pattinson, mystery student X, Barney, Constantinos, Eunice, Sheldon Thompson, the creepy janitor, and that one douche from that show about chidren's card games on motorcycles.
It was then that they all commenced in a sudden battle royale to determine who would recieve A.S.S.'s sweet anal love. It was an awful and bloody fight that required many tissues to wipe off the mess that had gathered in between the bricks of the academy. Students were left to scratch the crust off the walls with their bleeding fingers, because the janitor (as you may recall) was epically battling for the right to get his a-noos enlarged by the beautiful and mysterious A.S.S. The drying mess was also highly radioactive and addicted to disco music, which was unfortunate, because Petey was on one of his funky rampages again. (AH AH AH AH, STAYIN ALIVE, STAYIN ALIVE! AH AH AH AH, STAAAAAAAAAAAYIN ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!) The ominous white crust eventually engulfed the entire school within its sweet, succulent womb. Fortunately, a beautiful, lusty butterfly had emerged from the flaky cocoon and sexily flew into the sunset. Last time I checked, the butterfly is doing well. He has a wife and two kids and is currently working as a Spanish telemarketer in Reno.