Chapter 3: "Everybody Fistpump"
The war had ended after a short commercial break plus a few trips to the bathroom, and unfortunately, everyone perished in the inevitable bubblegum explosion. Besides the occasional severed arm or leg that littered the steps of the academy like cheap confetti, all the poor, filthy, village children joyfully frolicked amongst the dirty candy that had spilled all over the concrete. This scene would have been quite beautiful, but then they all died of lead poisoning. A.S.S. dropped to her knees and wailed, "THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS!"
HEY GUISE HERE'S A RANDOM PARAGRAPH DESCRIBING HOW BEAUTEOUS A.S.S. IS.
Her fresh April tears augmented the warm glow of her sun-kissed cheeks and the glassy glaze of her limpid eyes. Her animu huge breasts jiggled and wobbled violently with the force of her manly sobbing, slapping against the concrete like a small child having a seizure. Her a-noos was like a black hole, a modern mystery which absorbed all of the curiosities of anyone fortunate enough to see such a work of nature. As it opened its one magnificent eye, all objects in its wake were immediately destroyed upon meeting its fatal gaze. Crabblesnitch left his young lover Sheldon Thompson behind.
Also, Petey was playing with a paddleball for half an hour in the background. You see him? Yeah, right there. (Say hi to Petey, dear.)
Everyone knows that mystical fairy-angels with psychic emu powers (which A.S.S. inexplicably was) thrives off DRAMAZ. Since drama required more than one person, A.S.S. was left to wilt like a pitiful flower under Chris Hansen's sexy stare. Fortunately, one student was left alive in the erotic massacre. Even better, this student was black, and everyone knows that black people are a good source of amusement.
"Nigga, dis sho iz sum gewd cone-bread," commented a strangely content Damon West. In one hand was a half-eaten chunk of yellow styrofoam. In the other hand was a silver handgun, which he was using to shoot white people with because he apparently had to follow every black stereotype thought up by pretentious female writers who obviously have no idea how 'dem darkies work. That, and no one likes colored people, AMIRITE?
"DAMON," gurgled A.S.S. "Y U NEVER PAIRED WITH OC?" (Shh... It's because he's black.)
The linebacker's massive pedoblack eyes sprung out from his head like angry male genitalia. "STFU, cracka, I don't haff to take yo' shit!" Damon then shot A.S.S.! OMG!11
Fortunately, God's mighty a-noos came down and rained its Christian wrath down on Damon. He will not be sorely missed, because he's a jock. (Actually, it's because he's black, but you don't have to know 'bout that!)
Johnny then held A.S.S.'s leprosy riddled body in his bulging, manly arms while screaming, "¡NO QUIEROOOOOOOOOO!" He then proceeded to SEDUCE HER. The two proceeded to have some of that delicious cone-bread in the HEAT OF PASSION! Johnny got eleven hard-ons, seeing that moist, delicious cornbread apparently turned him on. His penis grew to an astounding length of ONE HUNDRED FIFTY-SEVEN METERS. IT CAN GET ON DISNEYLAND ATTRACTIONS BY ITSELF.
"Be gentle plox," pleaded A.S.S. sexily, while texting on her cell. "First time, brb. I ttly are virgin."
"OH YEEEAAAAHHHH," crooned Johnny in his sexy, deep, black guy voice, as he proceeded to screw A.S.S. in all positions possible AT THE SAME TIME. (He's just that awesome.) He fulfilled all her LUSTY DESIRES in one glorious moment of HATRED. He then pulled off his face and revealed that he was actually...Derby!
"Derby-sama-senpai-kun-chan!" ejaculated A.S.S. as she choked on something white and sticky. (Don't worry GUISE, it's just melted marshmallow! What did you think it was?) "You're STILL ALIVE."
"All cuz of you, baby," croaked Derby erotically as he continued to screw her in the oozing bullethole left on her stomach. "I'll always be here. Always."
"Oh Derby," crooned A.S.S. as she cried bluddy tears of melancholic joy and ecstacy.
HEY GUISE TIEM FOR SHITTY SONGFIC:
The sky darkened romantically, the moonlight complementing the luscious white gleam of Derby's pasty, incest-riddled asscheeks. A horny crowd gathered around them, looking on with pedophilic awe. A.S.S. opened her mouth and began to sing sweetly as Derby ravished her pre-pubescent body with his manly VAGINA. He began to scissor in tune to her sweet, hypnotizing loli-voice.
(KAY U GUISE, IMAGIEN A PIANO PLAYIN N DA BACKSGOURND.)
"I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone..."
"Wow!" exclaimed Jimmy in a hazmat suit, who had teleported down from the moon base. "This song is totally not a sad attempt to make an OC appear talented and different by exploiting an overused song that is obviously by a mainstream emu band!"
"Lulz," undulated Zombie!Ted sensuously. "She's not even going to credit the original artist!"
No one listened because they all died in a terrorist bombing.
"These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just so much that time cannot erase!"
Everyone, upon hearing her delicious voice, cried tears of black blood and went emu. A.S.S. then became queen of the school without really doing shit, because she was queen of the emus. (Plus, everyone knows that emus like to travel in mobs!) They then proceeded into their infamous ass-kissing ritual, which scientists believe is the way they call in their potential mates. As A.S.S. and Derby continued to play chess in the nude, everyone around them tore off their clothing, and with a feeling of unbound liberation, began to dance in a fucking circle around the two (probably to summon Optimus Prime or some shit like that). Unfortunately, they were all burned alive by the rays of HAWT PASSION emitted by A.S.S. and Johnny's glorious machine gun nipples. (Actually, they were all shot. Don't worry. They still got a free T-shirt.)
Suddenly, a dark figure dropped down from the mecha cockpit.
It was...
DUN DUN DUN!
Gary!