Infinite Regress

Shepard found it all very tedious. The ship, the mission, the mundane conversations she'd had before. It's hard to pretend to be interested in gathering information you already know.

At night she'd sit back in her quarters and stare blankly at her desk. At the pictures of people she had literally not seen in years. Who couldn't compete with the ones she had yet to meet. And the medals for deeds that had made her great, but would not make her the legend she would later become. The letters she'd never answered the first time because she'd been too busy, because there'd always be time later once Saren was stopped. And then there hadn't been time...

During the day, she found herself relying more and more on that younger part of her. The one who knew whispers of the future but who still found all of this as new. This part of her was now always in the forefront, just listening to the older self's guidance, the gentle nudges towards where she should be. There were only two exceptions to this pattern, and their names were Kaidan and Garrus.

Around Kaidan, she would withdraw completely. The Shepard that would be gave way completely to the Sheaprd that was. Whatever old feelings she'd worked out for the Lieutenant easily clouded the ones that should currently be there. It was easier to let the younger flirt and fancy herself falling in love. In the end, it was simply too painful to actively participate in a relationship she knew to be doomed. Who wants to watch a train wreck when you're the one driving the train?

But Garrus had the opposite effect on her. Being near him drew her out, breathed meaning back into this charade of a third life. He was a constant reminder of her mission - her true mission - and she kept him in mind as she scoured through her memories for what went wrong and when. They had little time together, at least compared to what they were accustomed to, and very little of it was spent alone. But it was enough for her to just know he was here on the ship with her. That it was him, the same Garrus who had been by her side since she'd first picked him up on the Citadel, whether that be a few weeks or years ago. The one constant in all her lives.

Where Kaidan was the ice that numbed her pain, Garrus was the fire that kept her alive.

The younger self shied away at the intensity of the emotion. There were a lot of things to come that she just wasn't ready for, and Garrus Vakarian nearly topped that list.

Therum. She had not enjoyed Therum. Too many Geth wasting too much of her damned time. And while Liara was worth the effort, the task was tedious at best. Never mind the headache she was going to get later trying to keep the asari from getting too much out of her head...

She sighed deeply to center herself as she pulled on the last of her armor.

Head in the game, Shepard. Can't afford to fuck things up because you're not all here.

Both parts found this amusing. Not all here? Hell, there was too much of her here.

"You alright, Commander?" A bit of concern underneath the formality. She must have noticed the strangely out of place smirk...

"I'm fine, Williams. You ready?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Hey Garrus." He looked up at her automatically, the same curiosity in his eyes whenever they deviated even slightly from the original pattern. "You mind getting those grenades for me and Ashley? We'd get themselves, but I'm pretty sure you the only one here with the reach."

She had to bite her lip to keep from laughing at his startled expression.

In the end, it turned out it wasn't too difficult to keep Liara out. Instead of resisting her prodding, Shepard merely threw every piece of information from the beacon at her. She could feel Liara resisting the onslaught, almost drowning under the sheer weight of it instead of struggling to pry it out of a resisting mind. Guilt at overburdening her made her ease up just before the connection broke.

Liara had reacted much as she had the last time. Overwhelmed and fascinated all at once. But as she'd walked out, she'd turned to give Garrus an appraising look. When she saw Shepard watching her, she had quickly turned away.

It had seemed innocent enough. It could easily have happened the first time through, and she'd merely not noticed. But that night Shepard couldn't sleep. She lay awake in her bed staring at the ceiling and wishing she had something stronger than cough syrup in her desk. Just what the hell had Liara seen?

It terrified her deeply to make these small changes, especially so early on. Although she had no way of knowing, her gut told her whatever her mistake had been, it had not been in this life. No, there was no possible way of having a better outcome with Saren and Sovereign. Acting too early could mean giving them the chance to get away. Too late and... Well, she couldn't quite entertain that thought.

The changes that had occurred so far were small, but her fear was very real. She had no way of knowing what shape these changes would take, how over time these small little edits would add up into something galaxy changing. She didn't so much worry for herself, and at the distance of several years, found it hard to maintain an intense worry for the galaxy. All her anxiety rested on Garrus. On Omega, some two years from now. When he had barely survived the first time...

If she changed something, maybe she could make it better for him. Less risky, less painful.

Or, she could change that little bit that would lead to him bleeding out in her arms.

She thought about leaving Liara behind this time. No one should see their parent die. But they deserved this final meeting. Liara deserved to see firsthand that her mother had tried to keep her mind safe from Sovereign. To know that part was still her mother.

Right?

Even as they moved through the labs on Noveria, she questioned this choice. Wondered if it had been a good idea after all. It had made sense the first time when she'd wanted Liara as leverage. Now she wasn't sure if the young woman needed this additional burden. But if Shepard had been in her shoes and had been given the choice, yes she'd want to be there.

But was that why she made the choice? Maybe she thought seeing Benezia die was what helped turn Liara into the woman who'd rescue her body and ultimately become the Shadow Broker. Was she doing this for Liara, or herself?

Back and forth, back and forth, she couldn't understand her motives. And as always, when in doubt, she let the original timeline guide her. She was sure of that much at least.

With Liara and Garrus on her heels, she listened as the system's VI told her about the problems she already knew how to fix, she nodded and kept re-thinking if she'd done the right thing by Liara.

"Logging you out." Such a simple phrase…

Both she and Garrus had started slightly at hearing it, and neither quite able to hide it.

"Er... right. Let's get to it then," she said awkwardly. As she turned her back on the VI station, she swore at herself and felt a lump in her throat…

Again she wavered, looking at the Rachni queen. She'd saved her before. The last time. She'd been unsure of it, too, but had found the idea of genocide left a sour taste in her mouth. So she'd opted for mercy and trust. But it'd caused her problems, near the end. This is something that might be worth changing.

So stick with the timeline, or make a move now?

Maybe it shouldn't just be the timeline that guided her. Maybe it should be what was right. As much as she wanted, needed to stop the Reapers, it didn't seem right to sacrifice her soul to do it.

The ends couldn't justify the means.

She pushed the button and released her again, this time fully aware of what the consequences would be.

This last mission had been awkward.

She'd taken Kaidan and Garrus, like she had the first time and she'd seen no reason to switch the line-up this time. It was hard enough being around just one of them, but being around both at the same time was difficult. It was when she felt the most disjointed, felt herself pulled in two opposite directions each with a vastly different effect on her. Really, it was the only time it felt like there were actually two people living in one body.

It didn't help that Kaidan always managed to sneak in a compliment or would brush her hair out of her eyes. She didn't mind for herself - there were worse things than being flirted with by a nice guy, even if you weren't interested - but there was a very agitated turian closely watching every move they made. Shepard felt exhausted by the time they got back. Smiling sheepishly at Kaidan and apologetically at Garrus.

The worst part was she didn't know how long she could keep this up. Running into a maze of bullets and mercs, no problem. Ignoring the painful feeling in her chest whenever Kaidan got too close... Well, it was getting harder each day.

It made her queasy to think just how much closer she'd have to let him get.

She slammed her locker shut with undue force as she nodded at Kaidan with a forced smile. As they walked towards the elevator doors, she could feel Garrus' eyes boring into her back. When she turned around to mouth a "I'm sorry" she saw he had already looked away.

Shepard took a deep breath before charging full speed around the corner. She know, oh boy did she know, what was around that corner. But when in doubt, she sticks to auto-pilot and follows the trodden path.

The rocket hits her square in the chest and hurls her into a nearby column. It hurts as much as she knew it would and she thinks she's coughing up blood (knows it from the last time) as her vision blurs.

She regains consciousness with an enormously loud intake of breath. Her eyes are confused as she looks around frantically, trying to piece together where she is. Garrus is almost immediately at her side, holding her steady as she tries to sit up. She grasps weakly at his arm as her scrambled mind grasps for what's happening. An urgency she hasn't felt in some time overpowers her senses.

"Rannoch!" she shouts. "Get *cough* need to get to *cough* to Rannoch!"

Garrus freezes and she doesn't know why. Even through their armor she feels his grasp tighten and his body go stiff. "Shepard," he rumbles lowly. Upset? Scolding her? Warning her?

"Rannoch?" Shepard head snaps at the unexpected voice. "Keelah, Shepard, why are you talking about Rannoch?"

She knows she's staring at Tali but she just doesn't understand. Can't put two and two together even though she knows it must be painfully obvious. Tali wasn't there when they-

And then her mind shifts backwards. Back to Feros and ExoGeni and the Geth but they're the wrong geth they're-

"Heretics," she mutters as Garrus pulls her to her feet.

"What?"

"Nothing, Tali, I'm fine. Just must've hit my head harder than I thought. Lost a few brain cells or something."

"Shepard-"

"It's fine, Tali. I'm fine. Let's get moving."

She doesn't want to drop it, and Shepard can't blame her, but she does what she's told.

Things keep moving forward like they should. So far nothing's changed, nothing big, and Shepard wonders if the small things they've done will matter. She's not worried about the long term yet - she knows they haven't done anything to make that better - but as she falls asleep each night she just prays she hasn't fucked up beating Saren. If they can't get past that, the attack on Earth doesn't much matter...

They're all stressed, the entire crew, but she feels wound up like a top. At any moment she might let go and lose it - just friggin' lose it - and not be able to keep going under this pressure. This is just too much for one person to have to bare...

But there's two of you.

They're not sure which one of them said it, if it was the younger or the older one. But the both know who they mean. Both know he's only a floor away...

With a sigh, she heads to the elevator. She's due to see him anyway. With Saleon dead, she owes him one of their "talks."

She's not bothered by talking to him. Not at all. She'd spend all day with him if she could work out the timeline issues with doing so. But she remembers this talk. She could've quoted it word for word without a second thought. And she knows damn well that during this talk, they'd been the only ones in the cargo bay.

Everyone else was in the mess. Even the first time through, she'd noticed because she'd felt the intimacy behind their conversation. How much it had meant to Garrus and how much it had meant to her to help him.

Being alone with Garrus in and of itself wasn't dangerous. Her low level of self-control right now was..

And then she gets there and it's even worse than she'd imagined. It's a good thing she's already said these words before, because she isn't paying attention now. All she can see is how close he is. How he keeps shifting forwards, into her space until her back's against the Mako. His arms end up pressed against it, effectively trapping her, but it's then that she notices her hands have moved to his shoulders...

They've stopped talking now, whatever they were supposed to say forgotten in lieu of everything they wished they could say.

Before either can acknowledge the decision, his forehead his pressed against hers as she kisses him hungrily.

"Shepard," he moans, pulling her tightly against him. Her legs come up, automatically locking around his waist as she continues devouring him. "Shepard, please..." but he's lifted her so she's seated on the hood of the Mako. "I won't be able to stop this," he warns, pulling away but only so he can nip at her neck.

"It's too bad that I don't want you to stop then." Her head falls to the side and she whimpers slightly as he takes advantage of the extra access.

Their armor's in the way but it doesn't occur to them to remove it. She's flush against him, feels him starting to press more into her. She bites her lips to keep from inviting him back to her quarters, the words so close to tumbling out-

"C- Commander?" comes the unsteady voice from the elevator.

Shepard freezes and instinctively pushes Garrus until he's arm's length away. As if in slow motion, they both lock eyes with the stunned look on Ashley Williams' face.

"Yes, Chief?"

"Am I... Am I interrupting something?"

"No," she says while giving Garrus a warning look and sliding off the hood. "Garrus and I were just... discussing the upgrades he plans on making to the Mako. Weren't we?" He doesn't respond at first and she nudges him with her elbow. He merely nods, shooting daggers at the young woman.

Shepard gives Ashley a look she knows the Gunnery officer will know - chin up, shoulders straight, tall and proud. Everything about her says, I fucking dare you to say we were doing otherwise.

A long silence drags out between the three of them. Eventually Ashley draws in a breath. "Whatever you say, Skipper." She pointedly avoids looking at either of them as she heads over to her station.