AN: I started this story before ME3 came out. Which means I wrote myself into a corner early on without even knowing it. I guess it would've been fine if I hadn't continued the story, but I did and I am so I'll just have to figure it out. I have some ideas for how to work in ME3, though I probably won't touch it until the DLC comes out just to be sure.
To help set things up, though, let's say that Shepard and Garrus ended up in a Newgame+ because of their tremendous fuck-ups in ME3. I'm talking no Javik. I'm talking not searching planets for war assets. No N7 missions completed for Hackett. This Shepard basically saw beating ME3 as a race to the finish and not something you should take your time getting right. I've got some other ideas on how to incorporate some ME3 stuff, and I'll address changes to the actual game as I get to them.
But I totally plan on seeing this out to the end... wherever that end may be.
Infinite Regress
If she faces the wall and keeps the lights dimmed, she can almost pretend it's her cabin. The bed might not be as soft, the engines hum a little louder, and she misses the glow of the fish tank, but when she's tired and lets her mind wander, it's close enough.
But then she gets too comfortable and drifts off to sleep. She's been so tired for what feels like years. She hasn't gotten a good night's sleep since she left Earth. Whenever she does manage to fall asleep, her dreams make her wish she hadn't. Faces and faces of those she left behind but hasn't even met, of things she's lost but is trying to save, all of it comes crashing down in those lost moments between the night and morning shifts.
But in the end, always in the end, they all ask her the same question.
"Are you going to let us die again, Shepard?"
Although she wants to shout back "NO!" deep in the back of her mind she knows the real answer is, "Some of you, yes."
It was probably just a little petty of her to both avoid Liara and to go out of her way to spend time with Ashley. And she tried not to enjoy it too much when her approach drove apart Ashley and Garrus from whatever the hell they'd been talking about. Perhaps it should've bothered her more that she enjoyed interrupting their bonding time, but it was the one selfish thing she allowed herself.
Not trying to use the timeline to defend yourself, at least.
She could have. Quite easily. Garrus and Ashley had gotten along well enough, but they were never this close. It was different, which was, this early at least, dangerous.
But there was no denying the jealousy she felt underlying her… interest in those two. Shepard didn't worry about fidelity on Garrus' part. He'd followed her in and out of hell and through time and was loyal to a fault. No, he'd be with her til the end. Past the end.
No, she merely resented that Ashley was the one who got to spend time with him. While she was forced to stay in the limelight, fighting from planet to planet as the star of the show, Garrus could hang back and spend time with the other crewmen.
Truth be told, she was a little surprised he'd picked Ashley as a companion over Wrex, Tali or Liara – all people he knew much better. It was a mystery. Minor in the scheme of things, but one that plagued her nonetheless.
Yet again her entrance to the cargo bay is greeted with Garrus' retreating form, this time heading to engineering. She really needed to make time to check in with him. Though if the past was any indication, she'd have to make sure it was somewhere populated.
"Hey Ash." It did please her a little bit to get to spend more time Ashley, especially as Virmire drew closer. She'd be getting that report any day now.
"You got a lot of free time on your hands, Skipper?" Ashley's voice was light, but she seemed annoyed, almost scolding.
"Always got time to make the rounds and see how my crew was doing. Too busy to talk, Williams?"
She shrugged, arms crossing over her chest. "Just seems you're making them a bit more often than usual, is all."
"I've been avoiding reports and debriefings, to be honest. Commanding a ship and being a Spectre is all fun and games until you realize your paperwork's doubled since you're writing up mission reports for the Alliance and the Council."
"Garrus always used to complain about the bureaucracy back in C-Sec."
Shepard started slightly. So they were on a first name basis now? She struggled to find something neutral to say, but failed. "I've noticed you and Garrus have been spending a lot of time together recently."
"What can I say, we get along better than I would've thought."
Yes. Better than I would've thought, too. "He is one of the good ones."
"Sure is." Ashley paused, one hand idly tracing the line of her work station. Shepard couldn't shake the feeling that she was being herded somewhere. "I'm actually surprised you're not spending more time with him."
Shepard eyed her suspiciously. It'd be easier to deflect whatever was coming if she actually knew what was coming. "Well, I do take him on pretty much every mission. Not much more to say after the shuttle ride back."
"I just thought you might still be embarrassed about… whatever it is I saw the other day?"
She straightened. At her full height, she was a good few inches taller. "I thought we'd already talked about that."
Ashley nodded. "We did."
"Look," an exasperated hand came up to rub the sleep out of her eyes. She was tired – always so tired – and the wear and tear was starting to show a bit more. This was not helping. "I just don't want you to overthink what's going on with Garrus and me or you or anyone."
"Afraid of a little competition?"
Shepard's draw actually almost dropped.
Miranda. Ashley was somehow channeling Miranda right now. The corner of her mouth twitched slightly as she tried not to smile at the idea. She wondered if the two of them would have gotten along. Shepard expected that Ashley would have loved to hate Miranda, at first, before the two finally figured they could gang up on her.
"Look, I don't know what's going on with you and Garrus, and I don't really want to know." Well, that last part might be a lie. "I just need you two to be a bit more professional and not run off whenever I enter a room."
"Hypocritical much, Commander?"
Few things could genuinely stun Commander Shepard. This conversation happened to be one of them. "... What?"
Ashley hands flew to her hips as her eyes narrowed at her CO. "You play around with the LT and Vakarian, but get upset when Vakarian does the same?"
Both women knew it wasn't true. Or at least, Shepard logically knew it wasn't true. Garrus was so firmly Shepard's that the idea would almost be laughable if the circumstances weren't so... strange. But it stung to hear it, to even think it.
Ashley's hand went to her hair, kneading the back of her head as she awkwardly tried to backtrack. "If it bothers you so much, shouldn't you be doing something about it? And I'm not really the one you should be talking to."
So, there it was.
Before Shepard could figure out… well, anything, the comm crackled to life.
"Commander?"
She holds Ashley's eye a minute before answering. "Yes, Joker?"
"Council wants us to investigate a lead about Saren."
"Go on." Shit. Shitshitshit.
"Apparently some Salarian team on Virmire found out something."
"Set in a course. I'm on my way up."
If Shepard has been looking, she'd have noticed Ashley go ghostly pale. She would've seen her stop breathing for a minute. The blank, thousand mile stare would've haunted Shepard, who was by now halfway to the elevator. And if she'd stopped to look back, she would've seen Garrus rounding the corner from engineering, falling into the job that should've been hers.
Shepard didn't know. Ashley was sure she didn't know that she knew what they knew (and yes, it gave her a headache to think of it like that). And the fact that Shepard wasn't aware of what Ashley knew was probably the only reason she didn't notice the younger woman shaking slightly as they set out for Virmire.
Damn, she felt like a cadet again.
It might have been a couple weeks ago - she hadn't really been counting - that she'd found out she was going to die on some rock named Virmire. So now it seemed the time had come. Her life could now be measured out in hours, maybe days, maybe minutes. Either way, she no longer had the luxury of weeks, months, or (if only) years.
Ashley Williams wasn't scared of dying. She was proud to be a soldier who would do what needed to be done. That she'd do her duty, and do it gladly. She'd faced death before, dozens of times before she'd ever met Commander Jane Shepard (though admittedly a lot more since). But never with the level of certainty that now plagued her.
Was she scared? Yes. If she was honest, then she'd have to say yes. She wasn't worried about what would happen after death. It was just the idea of actually dying that worried her. Would it be what they say it is? Would your life flash before your eyes? Would there be a bright light guiding you on? But these had always been questions. It was the new ones that bugged her, that had kept her up at night and that now gave her a stiff gait as she walked behind Shepard.
Would she know it was coming, right before it happened?
Would it hurt?
Knowing that this was it... would she be able to go through with it?
To the last one, at least, she hoped she could answer "Yes."
"Does it hurt?"
Garrus didn't bother looking up as the woman towered over him. He kept fiddling with the scope of his rifle. "Does what hurt?"
Ashley looked around nervously. They were at the Salarian camp, by the river. No one else was within earshot. Good.
They'd been on this damn rock for a few hours now. It was wracking her nerves to think that… really, any time now. Her heart was beating like a hammer just thinking about it.
She swallowed a dry lump. "Dying." She was smart enough to know that she probably didn't want to know. But it'd been going through her mind all day.
His hands falter on the rifle and he immediately looks up. "I suppose that depends on how you die," he says slowly, deliberately.
"When you died, did it hurt?"
He sets the rifle down, completely forgotten, and stands up. He needed to be eye level for this conversation. "I almost died on Omega. That's… really the closest I've ever been. There was an immense amount of pain before I blacked out." He paced for a few steps, considering. "When I died with Shepard on that Reaper… explosions tore through us. I… don't remember… I felt fire, briefly, before I felt nothing. So, no. I guess it didn't hurt."
She nods, calmly, as if they were discussing the weather. "And… when I died, did it hurt?"
All she knew – really knew – was that she'd die on Virmire. He'd said something about Geth and a bomb and Saren, but she'd stopped him from going into too much detail. She figured it'd be hard enough without having a weird sense of déjà vu to go with it.
For a while, she thinks he won't answer. She'd already made him swear not to tell her more, even if she asked later. Some things you just shouldn't know. His three fingered hands come to rest on her shoulders, his grip felt even through the armor. "It'll be fast, I promise."
Ashley's tempted to hug him, but it doesn't seem like a good idea. Too much adrenaline, too many emotions. Hell, she'd probably end up falling apart and bawling if she gave in to something like that. Instead, she nods slightly, voice too weak to try thanking him.
He walks away, and Ashley spends the rest of the day wondering if he'd lied.
Garrus wasn't the only one here they could accuse of idol worship. Since Eden Prime, Ashley'd been guilty of once or twice thinking of Shepard as a hero. Not just a remarkable person, but a bonafide hero, the stuff of legends. She figured twenty years out from now, she'd be telling her kids about when she worked with "the Shepard" way back when.
The last part might have changed, but she still couldn't help but think of Shepard as a little larger than life. She respected this woman, believed in her and, most of all, trusted her.
Shoulders square, she stared across the clearing and listened to the Commander talk Wrex down. Breathe held, she prayed to god she wouldn't have to fire this weapon, but at the same time kept her trigger finger ready. Because when push comes to shove, she knows she'll take whatever shot Shepard tells her to.
They were yelling now. Shit. She could feel sweat forming on her brow. Was this really happening?
Wrex made it out, right? Garrus had told her stories. Tuchanka. Sur'kesh. Eve. The genophage. He makes it off this planet (unlike her). Lives to fight another day and kick Reaper ass.
... Right?
Garrus wasn't just fucking around, was he? Feeding her stories about a Wrex that lived when really he'd died with her bullet through his head. Trying to fend off any guilt she'd feel knowing she'd killed a comrade. No, Garrus wouldn't do that.
Right?