It was two days later, a Thursday, and I was back in the library, this time, dare I say in the Science Fiction section. The library was back to normal, only a handful of books out of stock. I was alone, thankfully. I really didn't want to try explaining this to someone I knew, and lets face it, I knew just about everyone. I skimmed the shelves, looking for answers to questions I didn't even know yet. I just hoped that when I found it, I'd just know. I was in the middle of an amusing piece on witchcraft when I heard voices, an aisle over from me. I was about to leave, when the voices became more familiar. I softly placed the book back and moved closer to the shelf in front of me.

"Am I bothering you?" The voice asked, dominantly.

"No, I'm just trying to figure a few things out right now."

"No, I don't mean right now Stiles, I mean in general."

Silence.

"Is this for Derek?"

"Yeah."

"Do you think you're any closer to figuring out whose controlling J-?"

"Can you keep your voice down, Erica? God. What if someone's listening?" Stiles interrupted.

"No one's listening."

"Whatever. Bet those Catwoman senses are tingling."

More silence.

"Are we ever going to talk about it." She was quiet. It was harder to hear.

Stiles was closer to me, I could hear him breathing, it was a comforting sound.

He snapped a book closed and set it back on the shelf.

"I'm not sure how I feel about everything." He confessed, his voice tight.

"I know you didn't expect that, but I mean I'm here, ya know."
"Yeah, only cause Derek told you to be. I know he doesn't trust me."

"That's not why and you know it." She seethed.

I could almost imagine Stiles rolling his eyes.

"Can we just talk about this later?"

"Whatever you want, Batman."

Then she was gone, they both were.

I stepped backwards until I hit the opposite row of books. My head was fuzzy.

What the hell just happened? Stiles is still talking to Derek, Derek, Peter Hale's nephew. Maybe Stiles knows about him, knows about all this. I knew it was a long shot, but I mean it's not like I have to confess my life story, I can just ask a question. I'm entitled to some questions. Was he still mad at me? I haven't talked to him since the other day, in the hall, when I was being completely insensitive. And what was that all about? Who is being controlled? I knew they were keeping something from me. If anyone is being controlled it's me, by a figment of my imagination, and so far, Stiles was the only cure.

I tried it again the other night, as I laid in bed restless, I felt myself slipping into the familiar darkness. I felt the cold yet burnt hold that he had over me, suffocating me, and then I thought of Stiles, I thought of the time I cried in my car, I thought of the way he was so persistent in trying to make me talk, much better than that hack of a Guidance Councilor. The panic like attack slowly drained away, and I felt normal again. He was my secret weapon. And staring at the abundance of books around me, I wasn't any way closer to finding out why.

I figured if anyone knew anything it would be Allison, and she was the easiest to talk to, being my best friend and all. As we sat at lunch I thought about how I was going to bring up the conversation over a string cheese. I pulled it apart piece by piece, waiting. Allison couldn't have been more oblivious to my inner turmoil, completely misreading this lunch, this friendship, this rut we were in. She probably had no clue that I was so freaked out, probably couldn't see the fear in my eyes if it was screaming at her, pleading to be saved. But I didn't need to be saved, and if I did, I would be the one doing it.

"Does Scott still talk to Derek Hale?" I asked, not looking up at her.

I heard the apple she had been nibbling on drop onto her tray and I smiled. That's a yes.

"I don't think so." She lied, her voice rose an octave or you know, three.

"It was unexpected when he showed up a couple weeks ago."

"Why-" She cleared her throat. "why do you ask?"

I shrugged, my best attempt at being indifferent, though I doubt she'd notice.

"No reason, he popped into my head last night, wondered about him."

"Don't." She mumbled, rather harsh for Allison.

I looked up at her, surprised by her forcefulness.

"Why?"

"He's bad news."

"I know that." I scoffed at her, chewing on a piece of cheese.

"You don't understand Lydia." Allison sighed.

I wanted to roll my eyes, wanted to scream at her that the only reason why I wasn't understanding was because no one was telling me a damn thing. I wanted to ask about her aunt, how she was the cause of the fire at the Hale house, how she was the one to burn it down. I wanted to ask if there was a reason for it, if they really were bad people, because why would I be seeing a good person in my nightmares telling me that he 'has a job for me', and that 'in time I will know'? Good people don't do that.

But the way she was looking at me shut me right up. I wasn't in the mood for a fight, I was on display quite enough for the general public and I didn't want to cause another scene, and I didn't want to be alone. Even though Allison was lying, hiding things from me, it was still better that she was here, because I really didn't have anyone, contrary to being the most popular girl at Beacon Hills. I was probably the loneliest. I nodded at her then, because I had been trying to tell myself that she was trying to protect me, she was keeping me in the dark for my own good, and she didn't know how much darkness really did consume my life. She had no clue.

"Tomorrow night, lets do something?"

"Do something?" I deadpanned.

"You know, hang out. We never do that anymore."

"You are always busy." I pointed out.

Allison smiled, and it reminded me of bowling and shopping and having fun.

"You, me, Scott, Stiles maybe. I don't know, but lets just go somewhere and forget everything."

That sounded too good to be true, but so inviting.

"Okay." I whispered.

The last time we had a makeshift double date I saw Peter Hale just below the ice, a flower that I learned to be called wolfs bane sprinkled on top. I was equally excited now of course, to see what kind of hallucination my brain had in store. But Stiles was smiling, and maybe it was just the fumes of his jeep or maybe it was the migraine inducing lights dotting the side of the road, but I was happy and I knew, just knew that things were going to be okay. Stiles was the key to it all, right?

We ended up at a greasy pizza place right outside of town, Scott said that the bowling alley was our best bet but it reminded me too much of Jackson and I declined while ignoring the napkin Stiles handed me to wipe off some of the oil on my slice. It was only after I had taken a modest bite that I noticed the rest of them dabbing at their pieces. I rolled my eyes. Didn't they know it was better this way? Stiles seemed to, he was the only one licking the retreating oil from his wrist. I shivered. Oh my god, is that really going to turn me on? I was really just happy to be out of the house, with real people, my crappy with good intentions friends. I smiled while Scott and Allison kissed, laughed when Stiles burnt the roof of his mouth, and I surprised myself for loving every minute of this.

Stiles had mentioned that it was a dollar to rent Skates at the roller rink tonight, and that reminded me of Ice Skating. It reminded me of Peter Hale and having a freak out session right on the cold ice. I ripped a good pair of tights that night. But it also reminded me of Stiles offering me Reeces Cups, and holding my hand while skating around the rink. It reminded me of 'good combinations', and being coy. It reminded me of Stiles protecting me from myself, holding me close and trying his best to both understand and shelter me. I agreed rather eagerly because I'd give anything to keep that smile on his face. He was in a better mood today, but we still hadn't talked about the other afternoon. I wanted to apologize, I wanted to make it right, I didn't want to ever see that smile disappear again.

An hour later we were at "Roll" The cleverly named roller rink in Beacon Hills. I gave Stiles a dollar to get me skates but he pushed it off and walked towards the counter. I wanted to make a remark about him being a 'big spender' but I bit my tongue. I was sitting down at one of the tables that overlooked the large dimly lit roller rink. I had a small spasm of panic, there were a lot of people here, a lot more than our isolated ice skating session. Allison sat across from me, smiling as she dropped her skates on the ground. I smiled back. We barely spoke, just the two of us all night.

"I'm glad we're doing this." She yelled over the music.

"Me too." I nodded.

"I really am sorry about how things are going lately."

I shrugged, not wanting to ruin this night.

"I want to tell you everything that's been going on, but I just need you to be a little patient."

I looked at her, wait, is she serious?

"Can you do that?"

I nodded quickly as the boys came to the table.

After we all put on our skates Allison took Scott to a carpeted area, one that would be easy for him to practice skating, you know, so he wouldn't endanger innocent bystanders. Stiles nodded towards the rink and I smiled while following. The rink was packed, there were teenagers everywhere. Some we knew, some I have never seen before. It got so crowded at one point that Stiles reached for my hand. I want to lie, I want to say that I didn't shiver, that our hands touching didn't mean anything. But the way he smiled at me, as we finally drifted towards each other gave me no regrets. This was insane though, last time we held hands I felt nothing. Or- at least, I thought I felt nothing. I was really considering rethinking everything this boy ever made me feel. Why? Well, because there had to be a reason that thinking of Stiles Stilinski made everything better. There had to. I wouldn't be doing this if there didn't. His smile, his sparkly eyes, his beauty mark infested face, his warm hand, everything wouldn't mean anything if this didn't somehow fix me.

I was purely using Stiles for the sake of my sanity.

At least, I would keep telling myself that.

The skating rink cleared some, the night dwindling down, I didn't know where Allison and Scott were but I really didn't care. Stiles and I continued rolling around the wood paneled circle, over and over until things began to blend, people, colors, movement. It was all lost between Stiles and I and our conjoined hands. He had let go once people started getting tired, started leaving the rink, but then the DJ announced a couple's skate. I knew I shouldn't have, but I reached for his hand, I held it in mine and that moment would be ours forever. When the hell did I become this person? I was smiling like an idiot, and it was all because I was holding Stiles' hand, because he let me hold his hand.

"I'm sorry about the other day. I was such a bitch."

Stiles shook his head, looking at me.

"I wasn't acting like myself, I shouldn't have been surprised you noticed."

"You were surprised?" I questioned, eyebrows furrowing.

He laughed, and it irritated me.

"You really don't understand how you come off to people."

That wasn't true, I knew exactly how I came off to people, I just didn't really care.

"You act like nothing matters if it doesn't have any significance to you."

I looked down.

"But hey, that's okay." Stiles licked his lips, giving my hand a squeeze.

"No it's not." I mumbled.

"I know you're not really like that Lydia."

Stiles' voice was at my ear, I could taste his Axe body spray and garlic from his pizza.

It was intoxicating.

We drifted towards the exit of the rink and sat at a table that overlooked the whole place.

"Did you do anything special, it being the anniversary and all?" I asked, picking apart a napkin.

"No, I kinda wanted to just forget about it." He answered, his leg twitching.

"You should go to the cemetery some time."

He started to shake his head, a small smile on his face.

"I'd go with you."

I looked up then, his eyes big and brown, his lips open some. He looked surprised, but at the same time thoughtful. I was trying and I had no clue why. I didn't need to help Stiles be happy just to end some bad day dreams, I didn't need to feel these things, I didn't need to want to make everything better. It's not like if my parent was dead I would go to the cemetery to visit them, probably because I wouldn't have anyone to go with, but I didn't have that problem, he did.

"You'd do that?" He asked quizzically. I tried to ignore the skepticism in his voice.

"Yeah, Stiles I would."

"Why?"

"Because you would do it for me."

Then it happened, the one thing I had been waiting for, and the one thing I hadn't imagined ever wanting. Stiles grabbed my hand, the one that was shredding a brown napkin and stroked my knuckles gently, we looked at each other the same time. He licked his lips and leaned across the table, my heart pounded out of my chest as I did the same. His eyes were different, there was a fire in them, not the same angry fire that distorted him the other day, this fire was passionate and determined and it sent such a rush of adrenalin through my veins, I thought I may pass out. Stiles, Stiles Stilinski, if someone was to tell me last week I was about to kiss him, something I knew he had wanted to do since the third grade, I would probably roll my eyes. But this was different, this felt right. I was acting like the one with a eight year crush, not him. He looked so serious, like he knew what he was doing, like he's done it countless times, had he? Our faces were close, our noses nearly touching, my eyes closed first.

And then it happened. Part of me wished I was in another one of my nightmares.

"Erica." He growled in a hushed tone.

Erica Reyes wasn't in my nightmares. That was a welcomed thought.

I snapped back immediately, he did too, Erica was standing above us, her face amused, her eyes scorching. I blinked in the fierceness of it. Stiles looked un-phased, just annoyed.

"What the hell are you doing here? How did you find us?"

"Where's Scott?"

"-and you brought Issac?" Stiles complained.

"Where is he, Stiles?" Erica demanded, ignoring his questions.

"What's wrong?"

"You guys need to come with us, now."

I was so, so confused. A minute ago I knew everything, I knew that I was about to kiss Stiles, I knew that I was okay with that, I knew that I was majorly disappointed right now. I felt Stiles jump to his feet, I felt Allison and Scott's presence, I saw everyone around me with panicked looks, but I had no clue why. I saw Stiles' eyes, they kept darting to me as Erica spoke in hushed tones to him and Scott. I felt the plea he was giving me. We were always interrupted. I felt the cold metal of his keys digging into my palm and I faintly heard him yell "drive my jeep home" before he was gone and Allison had grabbed my arm, tugging me towards the exit. I felt it all, experienced it all, but why did I feel so detached, like this wasn't my life, like it was a movie playing on a screen?

Why was this so oddly normal for me?