Supernatural Season 8 "In Limbo"
A/N: Poor Sam and Dean they're both having such a rough time... Dean's stuck in Purgatory and having to fend for himself and Sam is slowly and steadily losing his mind as the hallucinations wax and wane in intensity and severity... Who knows whats gonna happen next?
"Object of affection."
Dean doesn't know how long it's been. There's no way to measure time in Purgatiory as the sun never fully rises nor sets and it keeps the sky cast in a dirty yellow hue that's covered with all of the darkened ash of all the fires that burn there. But sometimes it feels like forever spans in the blink of an eye while other times it seems that every thing that happens speeds by quicker than an eye can blink. All of the lagging and quicking paces in time is enough to keep Dean guessing and all he can do is guess by how long it feels it's been and that's about two years.
Dean's counted each moment in Purgatory as multiple different learning experiences and he plans to use the knowledges he's gained to his advantage the second he gets back to the land of mortal men and he does plan on getting back. He's been searching for a way out of this place and has come across rifts torn between Purgatory and Hell, but as bad as Purgatory is, Hell is definitly still worse and Dean's not stupid enough to risk trying to get back to the land of the living this way. So he spends most of his time trying to find a rift that tears between Purgatory and Earth but so far he's found nothing.
What time he's not looking for a way out he's fighting for his life, which he knows will come back to him if he loses. But ever since he'd died that first time he'd been feeling different, off, in ways he couldn't explain and he was afraid that if he died to many more times he would eventually lose his humanity and all the things that made him, him so he kept fighting because he wasn't going back to Sam any less himself than he already was. And Dean wasn't going to leave his brother out in the world, that he's sure has gone to Hell in a handbasket, all alone. So dying again wasn't an option...
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Sam had a hard time keeping himself lucid enough to get the things he needed to work the spell together. It was complicated magic to begin with, even for someone who wasn't half out of their mind. There were herbs and powders that needed to be set on fire as he chanted the spell and added his blood to the flaming mix. But one of the hardest things had been getting an object that proved his love for Dean or was it an object that proved Dean's love for him? That part of the ritual he'd had trouble translating and then wait... Maybe it translated to an object that Dean showed his love to? All of the jumbled thoughts kept Sam confused although Sam was certain he'd translated it right the first time and that it was supposed to be an object that proved his love for Dean.
His first thought on that matter was "Where am I gonna get something like that?" of course Lucifer taunted Sam with: "Nowhere, your love isn't worth anything to Dean anymore."
"SHUT UP! YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT DEAN!" Sam shouted.
Now Lucifer taunted "Oh really? I know he's thrown away your love like it menat nothing a few hundred times over. Because he doesn't have faith in you, he doesn't love you. How could he? Sam you're a monster. Even Dean has said that himself and here you are hoping your love can bring him back to you. What if he doesn't want to come back to you? What if he's happy to finally be free of you? How can your love bring him back if it's always been worthless?"
"I SAID SHUT... UP! Sam screamed as he threw a glass across the room to see it go through Lucifer and smash into a thousand pieces against the wall.
Sam hit himself in the head with the heal off his hand muttering "Go away... Not real... Not real... Have to find Dean... He'll fix it... It'll be okay if I can just get him back."
Sam tried to focus on going through all of his and Dean's belongings trying to find an object that proved his love for Dean and as he opened a side pocket on Dean's duffle and found an old crumpled up piece of newspaper, it hit him. Worthless...
He remembered now... Dean throwing away the one object that Sam had ever given him that had actually shown Dean that Sam loved him. Dean had thrown it away like it and Sam's love had never meant anything. Maybe Lucifer was telling the truth...
Sam cried hard at the thought that his love didn't matter to Dean and it hurt as he remembered what a burden he'd been to his big brother. Maybe the only reason Dean had ever done anything for him was because he felt it was his mandatory obligation of being a big brother, after all their father had drilled "Take care of Sammy" into Dean's head from the time Dean was four.
And now Sam thought "Maybe obligation was all there was for Dean. Maybe Dean had never felt true affection for me. Maybe Dean's never thought my love was worth anything and he'd had the last straw when I finally proved him right. Even Heaven knows I don't deserve anything good. I don't deserve Dean. I don't deserve to be loved. I don't deserve to be saved. I don't deserve to exist."
It was times like this that Lucifer layed it on real thick saying things like "Told you Sammy, you never left the cage. You know that even an eternity in The Cage doesn't come close to punishing you for what you've done, for what you are. So, why are you fighting the fact that you're still in Hell with me?... I'll tell you what. Why don't we end this? I told you before what you have to do if you want to skip to the last page of the book." Now Lucifer gestured to Sam's field stripped pistol that lay on the table and then made a gesture to his head and pretended to shoot himself.
"No." Sam muttered. "I'm not that stupid yet."
"No, but you are that crazy." Lucifer taunted. "Come on Sammy. You can't possibly want to live like this! Even the devil himself has the decency to want you to end this." Now Lucifer almost sounded genuinely sympathetic.
"Okay, if I'm still in Hell and even you think it's more humane to put an end to this then just end it your OWN DAMN SELF! Sam growled.
"Sammy, you're to far gone for me to do that, I can't just rip away the curtain, you have to accept that you're still in Hell and end this yourself." Said Lucifer and he sounded heartfelt and honest like he was trying to protect Sam from himself. But Sam was no fool as he retorted "That's what I thought. You CAN'T end anything. Because there isn't anything for YOU to end. Because you're not real, I'm not in The Cage and you're just trying to distract me from trying to find Dean."
"If I'm really in your mind then you're trying to distract yourself from finding Dean... Maybe it's because you're afraid to find out big brother really doesn't love you? Maybe you're afraid he'll see what's happened to you and abandon you becuase you're pathetic and don't deserve him and you're no good to him like this so he'll have no reason to keep you around." Now Lucifer was back to full on taunt mode and Sam started hitting his head again. He didn't know what point he'd ended up in the floor or when he'd drawn his knees to his chest and started crying or rocking, but that's how Sam found himself moments later as he fought for a lucid moment.
Cutting himself had stopped working about two months ago and sleep was always interupted with nightmares even if that sleep had been drug induced. Ways to grab the last strands of his sanity were becoming fewer and farther between but when he felt a lucid moment flit by he grabbed onto it and held tight because it might be his last chance to do something to get Dean back.
Sam went out to where the Impala was parked and hoped Dean would forgive him as he ripped away the fabric on the side of the driver's side seat and pulled out The Amulet that he'd given to Dean so many Christmases ago. And he hoped beyond hope that his love for Dean wasn't really worthless...
As always PLEASE REVIEW! Even more crying and I mean sobbing in the next chapter. Poor Sammy.
