October 12th

Nicole,

A lot of people don't know, but the desert is hellishly hot in the day and cold as a witches' tit at night. It makes for a lot of miserable folks out here. You walk around all day in your heavy gear, and just when it's time to take it off and lay down, the only thing you want is a heavy jacket.

I wish I could tell you what's been going on out here. I wish there was even a way you'd get this letter. But unless someday you read my book (and that ain't going to happen if I get blown to hell) you are never going to see this.

October 15th

Nicole,

There were shots fired again today. No one was hit but everyone's rattled. Nobody knows where they came from. Could be anywhere, anyone, anytime. We can't bust down every door looking and half the people out here are families that are as scared as we are. Guys are barely sleeping, jumping at every loud noise.

Something bad's about to happen. I know it. I got that gut feeling. My gut's real used to putting up with shit, so I gotta trust it at this point. There's no use worrying about it. It's gonna happen when it happens. I'm just trying to keep the boys calm and focused. That's when life fucks you over, the minute you let your guard down.

I've been telling the boys stories. They like hearing about my fights. It ain't like I paint that pretty of a picture, but they lick up the details no matter what. So I start at the beginning, go through high school. I tell them about my chart, trying to beat an old Greek wrestling record. I could've got there, but you know what happened. Anyway, I'm saving Sparta for when we get back to base.

October 17th

Nicole,

In the middle of me telling a story, Drew asked about you. Seems like all of them want to hear about this girl of mine who sends the best gifts. I don't know what I should tell him. I've got the details of the times we've been together locked in my mind, but that don't mean I wanna share them. They want to know when we met, when we hooked up. I ain't going to tell them all of that, but I was thinking about it the other day.

I remember when you walked into that hotel that day. I was feeling like shit. I felt kinda bad about what I said to Pop, but I was angry. I was slamming coins into that machine like they'd done something wrong to me and then you walked by and sat down. And goddamn Nicole, even when I was all pissed off like that, you caught my eye.

And then you kept following me around, poking in business that didn't have shit to do with you. I coulda cussed you out, scared you off, but you weren't backing down. And you got me to talk to you a little. And that should've been the end of it. But you hung around in those tight little skirts, trying to get me to play the media game. By the time I kissed you, I wanted you bad. Woulda had you right there after the interview if there weren't people everywhere.

I had a lot of thoughts about how sleeping with you would go. I wondered what kinda girl you were, if you were experienced or innocent. I thought about it a lot. Dreamed about it sometimes. Some people say that real life can be better than a dream, but I never agreed with that until that night in the hotel room. I've been with a lotta women, in a lotta different places. But you're the only one I ever thought about after I rolled outta bed.

If I ever get back, I'll have to tell you that. If I don't, well I hope someone finds this book and gets it to you.

Tommy

"You ever think about dying?" Drew asks me one evening. We're sitting around with our backs to a brick wall, waiting. The sun is just about to go down, which means we're about to throw in the towel for the day. I'm glad we didn't get the night shift. There ain't nothing like nighttime in a war zone to make you afraid of the dark.

"Why you thinking 'bout that kid?" This ain't a conversation I wanna have.

Drew shrugs. "It's kind of hard not to, sitting out here. I keep thinking about stuff I want to do."

"Like what?" If it helps him to talk, then I'll listen.

"I was going to go to college. Make something of myself. I figured this would be a good way to pay for it. They don't tell you though, when you sign up. They don't tell you what being out here really costs you."

It's one of those things he says every once in a while that makes him seem a lot damn older than a teenager. I can't think of nothing to say back to him that ain't gonna depress him more. He keeps talking though. "What's it like, going back home?"

"Depends on what you're going back to." It's as honest as I can be.

"What are you going home to, Corporal Conlon?"

"Wish I knew, kid. You?"

"My family's there. It'd be nice to see them again. My sister got married. They sent the pictures over." He reaches into his jacket and pulls out a crinkled up piece of paper. I look at it. His sister's pretty hot, but she looks like him with her dark brown hair and doe eyes. I tell him so. He looks pleased.

"I've got another sister. I could set you up with her, if you want," his offer makes me laugh.

"No thanks. No offense." I hand him his picture back.

"Right," Drew tucks the picture away. "I forgot you have a girl."

I don't argue with him. Nicole and I haven't talked about that. Ain't no point while I'm over here. But if I stop and think, I wouldn't mind her being my girl. Most of the time, I hear men complaining about their women. They say shit that makes me happy I'm single. I don't put up with jealous bullshit, or insecurities, or neediness. But it's been months, and I haven't seen Nicole be any of that. And sure, we ain't together, or even in the same place, but I bet she'd be a good girlfriend.

If she's giving me this much attention from a distance, it's gotta be better in real life.

"You miss her?" Drew is full of questions today. I shoot him a glare. Drew just starts laughing. "Corporal Conlon, I'm pretty sure those looks you give could scare Freddy Krueger."

"Conlon," the Master Sergeant comes through over my radio. "One more thing, and you and your boys are done for the night."

"Go ahead Sergeant," I talk into my mouth piece.

"We have a lead on the insurgents from the other night. Clear a path south so we can move in."

I give the affirmative. The orders are simple enough. "C'mon boys," I get the troops on their feet, "let's go to work."

The setting sun is throwing shadows down the narrow streets. We're being as quiet as we can be in combat boots, winding through the little neighborhood and telling families to go inside. Most of them listen without making a big stink about it. An older man though raises hell. He's yelling at the boys, gesturing and getting defensive. I wave the boys ahead, putting Drew in charge of making sure everyone's off the street.

The man starts yelling at me in Dari. I don't know too much of the language, but I know enough to tell him to shut up and listen. I pretty much have to shove him inside his house. Makes me feel like an asshole, but I got a job to do. And I ain't about to let him get shot because he doesn't want to go home yet.

"All clear down here, Corporal Conlon!" Drew shouts at me. It's a rookie mistake, but a harmless one. I grab my radio.

"Private, why are you yelling?" I say into my mouthpiece.

"Shit, I mean…sorry sir," I can hear the laugh in his voice.

His laugh is interrupted by the sound of gun fire. It mows through my boys, sending them scattering to the ground. I'm running, pounding the dirt, rifle cocked and ready. I can't see where it's coming from and I ain't about to start shooting in a neighborhood full of families. I get to my guys in record time.

"We're ok, Corporal Conlon," Drew groans up at me from the settling dirt. The shooting has stopped, but we ain't outta the woods yet.

"Get up," I sound angrier than I mean to. The boys jump to attention. "Be sharp," I tell them. I reach for my radio, ready to call for backup. We creep up the streets, slowly.

"Corporal," the grainy voice of the Sergeant comes through, "Are you ok?"

"We're fine, sir. We just—"

The world explodes in heat and flames. I'm thrown sideways, hard. I hit the dirt headfirst. All I can taste is blood, all I can hear is ringing. I open my mouth to scream, but it's like breathing fire. I'm choking, confused, trying to get up. I smell blood, metal, that hot scent of smoke. I manage to yank my helmet off, start crawling away. I get far enough away that I can see what happened.

Goddamn car bomb took out half the street. Two or three houses at the end of the road are going up in flames. I can't see my guys, just a bunch of shadows peeking through the smoke. Everything hurts. I got blood drenching me and I don't know who it's from. I open my mouth to start yelling again and this time it works. I follow the screaming and moaning voices, dragging men through the dirt to safety. I find 7 of them. There were 12 of us, including me. I don't have time to wonder where the other four are. I've got a pretty good idea anyway.

"Private," I shake Drew. His face is all streaked black and half his hair is gone, but he's the only one capable of listening right now. "Drew!" I get right in his face and yell.

"Corporal," he mumbles back.

I shove what's left of my radio into his hands, "Call for help."

I don't wait for him to say anything back. I run off dizzily, stumbling towards the houses. The first one is a lost cause. The roof's caved in and the whole thing is in flames. But in the second house I find a couple of kids huddled up in the corner. I have to fight with them to get them out. I think I got bitten. But I run them far enough away from the fire and drop them down. Then I run back. A couple of guys come outta nowhere and help me. In and out of the houses we go, grabbing anything, bodies or live people, and pulling 'em out. Feels like it takes forever.

A couple folks later and I can barely stand up. I drag myself and some teenager out with me. He's practically carrying me now. I can hear him shouting at me. I pick out one word: blood.

I look down at my uniform. It's soaked scarlet, redder than the roses you give on Valentine's Day. The pain comes through all at once, and it knocks me on my ass. I go down, face first, passing out headlong in the hot, grainy sand.


Thank you so much for all of the support, especially to those of you who review and my beta, Tallulah. Review please!