It's almost cold the morning we're all set to leave. The desert sand blows around, but it ain't carrying the heat it normally does. It's winter here, and even though there ain't going to be any snow, it's chilly. It's almost beautiful this early in the morning. The moon is still up, the sand is a reddish color and the sky is an inky blue. Seems out of place, finding anything pretty out here in this hell. But I guess, there's always something pretty, even in the worse places. Maybe it's just my mood. I'm finally going home. I walk out of the hospital, my bag over my good arm, and head to the truck that's taking me back to base. In less than a day, I'll be home. I ain't sure how to feel about it. I'm excited, sure, but I got a long road of healing in front of me.

Back on base, every thing's the way it was, 'cept for those four empty beds. No one talks about the explosion. It ain't all that uncommon, but it's not something anyone wants to think about. Better to lock the pain away until you get back. It ain't quiet, even this early in the morning. People are excited. They're screaming and laughing and joking, talking about partying and seeing their girls and plans for going back. They wave at me when I walk past, look happy to see me. I nod back, but I don't stop to talk. I gotta go look for my boys. I find 'em in our old spot. They're all packing up in the tent. Some of them look a little worse for the wear, but overall, not too bad. Chris is looking healthy, even smiling. He hugs me when I walk in. I let him. Then I see Drew. The top of his head is all bandaged up from the burns. He won't ever be able to grow hair there again. His young face, one that probably made girls trip over themselves, is melted in places. I can still see him under there, but it's like looking at him through hot wax.

"Corporal Conlon," he gives me a grin, but even that looks like it hurts him.

"Drew," we stare at each other for a long moment, trying to think of what to say. There's a lot I could tell him. I could say I'm sorry this shit happened to him, tell that he's gonna be all right. But I don't. Words don't mean a whole lot out here.

"Glad to be going back?" he asks me.

"Yeah, kid. You?"

"Oh yeah. I feel lucky you know? At least I get to go home," he smiles again and for a second, I see his old self under the scars and bandages. I smile back at him.

Something tells me that Drew will be ok.

I leave him to himself and go pick up my stuff. My footlocker is the same as how I left it, but there's an envelope on top. I tear into it, wondering when it came and what it says.

Tommy,

I haven't heard from you in weeks now. I assume you know that you are coming home early. Your family is excited to see you.

I don't know what happened, why it has been so long without any word from you. If you do not want to talk anymore, that is your right. But please, just let me know if you are ok.

I hope you are fine. If you want to see me when you get back, you know where to find me.

Nicole

It's like my nightmare come true. I know for sure she's pissed now. I start wondering why Brendan didn't tell her anything, but then again, it ain't like Brendan knows there's something between us. Playing all my cards that close to my chest has got me up shit's creek. Her letter is dated from a week ago. There's no time to write, and I can't call her until I land stateside.

I start thinking hard. I can't drive up to see her, not hurt like this. I don't wanna ask Brendan to drive me. I could fly, maybe and catch a cab to her place. It's probably the best plan I've got, but it'll have to wait. I gotta be with my family for a little while. I owe it to them.

I tuck her letter away, a little apart from the rest of them. I have a long flight ahead of me.

I'll figure something out then.

Drew and I sit next to each other on the plane. He's chatting, laughing like nothing happened. He's telling me about what he's gonna do when he lands. His family is all waiting for him. He'll go back to Texas, start taking classes. He doesn't mention his scars and I don't either. It's a nice distraction from having to think about the future. Drew has his ducks all in a row. Even all beat up like that, he might be better off than me.

I stare out of the window, watching sand turn to blue sky and clouds. I always like flying. It's like being in some kid's story, like you have super powers. The clouds are my favorite. I always wanted to reach out and touch one, sit on it, eat one maybe. It was sad as hell when I found out they were just water. There's something about being a kid that's real nice.

There ain't nothing like not knowing how the world works to make you happy.

We have a layover somewhere in Europe, but we ain't allowed out of the airport. I start thinking that maybe I'll have to come back and see all these places through the eyes of a civilian.

I'm wondering if Nicole has ever been out here. She might like Paris and Rome and all those romantic places you see in those chick flicks. I ain't much for sightseeing, but if she wanted to go, I'd take her. If I win Sparta, I'll have the money to do it. I could buy her what she wanted, take her out to fancy places. I wonder if she'd like that. She don't strike me as the high maintenance type, but who knows.

We land in the States early in the morning. I don't know what I was expecting, but the cameras in the airport catch me off guard. Most of the flashes are aiming at me. They're distracting, exploding in my face and pissing me off. I want to shove past them, but I take a second and scan the crowd of reporters for a familiar face. I don't have any luck. So I wave at them and hurry off through the gate, looking for Brendan.

He's standing with Pop and his wife and his girls, and they're all grinning. My nieces made me some sort of glittery welcome home sign. I smile at them, trying to be nice. They look at me like they're nervous. Tess shoves them forward and gives them a look that makes me know they talked about this on the way here. The little girls hug me around the legs. It's awkward. I don't even know these girls. But they run back to their mom and hide behind her.

"Tommy," Pop sounds the same as ever. He even looks the same, but maybe a little happier. He hugs me. I still ain't used to these open signs of affection from my dad. I used to run away if he made any sudden moves around me. It's a hard habit to unlearn.

"Hey Pop," I pat him on the back. "Brendan, Tess," they all hug me in turn. It's hard hugging Tess. I know it's stupid, but she's always gonna be the woman my big brother chose over me. She's all smiles though, rambling about a party she has planned. Brendan's looking hard at me, so I smile back. "Sounds good. It's nice to see you all." That's all I say.

Luckily, they don't push me for nothing else. They keep talking as we walk to the car.

As long as I keep listening, they're happy. They lead me out to this big SUV. It's a family car, the kind of thing most men hate driving. Still, it's pretty nice, as far as SUVs go. There's booster seats in the back. Tess starts loading the kids up while Brendan pulls me aside to load the luggage. "How badly are you hurt, Tommy?" His girls are all in the car with Pop.

I decide there ain't no point in lying to him.

"Pretty bad. Most of the right side of my body is all gashed up. I'll show you when we get back."

To his credit, Brendan just nods, but he looks worried. He should know that I can take a hit and keep rolling. It's a Conlon family trait. Still, it's kinda nice that he cares. Reminds me of when we were kids.

We listen to some kinda happy crap kid music on the way back. The girls sing real loud. They get Brendan to sing part of it with them. It's weird, seeing him as a dad. He's a lot better than our Pop was. I guess I figured he would be. He's supposed to be a damn good teacher. He's that kinda guy who ain't afraid of looking stupid. He never was. In high school he was real popular, got along with everyone. We used to run in the same circle, joke around a lot. I wonder if it's ever gonna be like that again.

Brendan's house is exactly the way I pictured it would be. He always wanted the perfect, picket-fence life and it looks like he's got it. Every lawn has some toy or another to make it clear that this is a family neighborhood. It don't look nothing like the house we grew up in. Pop's place is pretty much the same as it always was, 'cept he took down all the frilly things Ma used to like.

I meant to ask what happened to them, but I'm pretty sure I don't wanna know.

I don't know why I'm pissed off, but as Tess gives the grand tour, I feel myself heating up.

It's like a goddamn dollhouse in here. Every room is all decorated like a magazine, in those soft colors you see in department stores. Everything looks like a sitcom set, every room has a theme. It's been more than ten years since I even had a room to myself. I ain't never had my own place, no throw rugs and matching curtains, no china cups and throw pillows. That's a life for a different guy, a guy with roots.

I'm like a tumble weed, blowing around, getting more beat up as I roll.

"Do you like it?" Brendan asks me. I throw my bag down in the corner of his den. Only rich people have rooms just for entertainment shit that don't fit in the living room.

"It's nice," I say. And it is. I just don't like it.

Brendan looks happy, "You can stay, as long as you want."

I just nod. I don't wanna think about what comes next. I didn't have any plan for coming back. Never do. I have a bunch of shit I wanna do, like get back in shape, start fighting again, maybe get my own place. But I gotta heal first. And since I can't change my bandages by myself, I guess I better hang out with my brother.

"Tommy," Brendan gets all serious on me, "I'm really glad you're back."

I don't know what I'm supposed to say. Yeah, I'm glad to be back, but I've got a whole other war to fight over here. Now people wanna act like nothing was ever wrong, like we get along.

I ain't never been good at pretending. I'm good at being angry though. 'Cept, I ain't really angry at Brendan anymore. I don't know what I feel.

"It's good to see you too," I'm pissed my voice comes out all choked up. Sounds like I'm about to start crying like a little girl.

All of the sudden, Brendan and I can't look at each other. I start staring at pictures of my nieces on the wall and he's looking hard at the carpet.

"You know Nicole's coming?" Brendan breaks my pity party with his question.

"What?" This is a surprise.

"She didn't tell you?" Brendan looks as shocked as I feel. "She'll be here in an hour to interview you."

"Nah," I say. "She didn't tell me." And just like that, I'm right back in my pity party.

I don't know what I'm gonna say to her. I want to be smooth and seductive, but I'm not exactly at the top of my game now. I can barely lift my right arm above my head without wanting to black out. She's not gonna want some broken man. She's got the whole world in front of her.

I decide I'll play it cool. It's worked for me before. It'll get me through this. Still though, I jump in the shower and change my bandages before she gets here. And there ain't no harm in looking good, so I pick a shirt that has worked on women in the past. And then I wait.

It's almost torture, sitting in that den, trying to make small talk with Brendan and Pop. But at least none of them bring up Afghanistan. I ain't ready to talk about that.

The doorbell rings and it feels like my heart's about to fall out of my mouth. I don't ever remember being this damn nervous, not even before a fight. When I fight, I don't have to think.

I just beat people down. But Nicole is gonna wanna talk. I ain't no good at that. I focus on staying calm, on breathing. Brendan and Pop are talking about something—dinner plans or some shit. I wonder if Nicole would go to dinner with me.

There's a knock on the door. I can't even stand up. Lucky for me, Brendan jumps up and grabs it, swinging the door open like an over-excited little kid. I get a glance at a bunch of dark brown hair before Brendan practically puts her in a chokehold. She gasps a little bit and pats him on the back. Then Pop jumps up to say hello. I stand up, slowly, so the pain doesn't kill me.

"Hey Nicole," I'm happy that my voice came out the way it normally sounds.

I focus on breathing, looking normal. Her eyes land on mine. I feel like I'm gonna pass out.


Thank you so much for all of the support and kind words and encouragement, especially to those of you who review and my beta, Tallulah. Review please!