I don't know where I got the idea, but I woke up this morning and instead of doing what I usually do, I decided to go visit Brendan at work. Maybe it's because I still ain't used to seeing him grown, or maybe 'cause I'm wondering what would make a man with millions of dollars keep his day job, but I wanna see him at work.
Brendan wakes up every day, gets his daughters breakfast, eats with them and his wife, helps Tess get the girls dressed, puts on his suit and heads out. He looks ridiculously happy when he does it. He's still hauling around, working his 9 to 5, and he ain't complaining. Makes me wonder what about it has him smiling. I gotta admit, it's nice sitting at the table with people around who ask how you slept and what you're gonna do today. Emily and Rosie are growing on me too. Emily's excited as hell every day to go to school in her dad's car. Rosie hangs around with me and Tess all day. Tess let me babysit her the other week. I was scared as hell, but it didn't take much. I found some paper and some crayons and had a damn good time scribbling pictures with a 3 year old.
There's something about this family thing that's nice. It makes me like being at Brendan's house better than Pop's. I try to see 'em both equally. Pop's always real happy when I'm over. We're even startin' to talk a little more. He tells me his war stories. I ain't ready to tell him mine, but maybe someday.
Brendan and I talk a lot. It was weird at first, trying to play 14 years of catch up. We were kids when we split and now he's got kids. But Brendan's always been real patient. He invites me to do shit and I try to go along with it. We go to the movies with his kids, run at the park, regular everyday crap. I'm starting to like the routine, like how normal it is. I like that Rosie ain't afraid to climb in my lap and that Emily likes to gab to me about how things in first grade are going. I even kinda like the way that Tess is constantly teasing me, like I'm her little brother too.
I'm trying to stop being so closed off. Trying to open up. So that's why around 11 on a Wednesday morning I put my jacket on, tie on my shoes and jog down to Brendan's high school.
I ain't been to school in a long time. I didn't even finish when I was a kid. But ain't nothing much changed. The lights are still way too bright, the tile is still ugly and kids are still struttin' around like their shit don't stink. Some kid points me to the office, telling me all matter-of-factly that I have to sign in first. I nod at him and he skirts off to class. They make me wear a sticker with my name on it and sign a little clipboard. When the secretary, an older woman with hair so gray it almost looks light purple in the fluorescent light, sees my name on the paper she gasps.
"Are you Brendan's brother?" she asks, mouth hanging open like she's trying to catch flies.
"Yes ma'am." I smile at her. Next thing I know, a bunch of people are swarming toward me. I must meet half a dozen people whose names I don't even catch. I don't know why they're all riled up. Most of them don't look like the MMA crowd.
"Brendan talks about you all of the time," the secretary tells me. I wonder what he says. He couldn't have told 'em about me before this summer. I didn't tell anyone I had a brother. It was too hard to explain. And the amount of people in Brendan's neighborhood who look surprised as hell when I get introduced to them makes me sure Brendan never mentioned it either.
An older balding guy pushes his way to the front. He's kinda chubby and he looks like he's in charge. People scatter like roaches when the light flicks on when he comes out of his office.
He keeps his voice calm when he talks to me.
"Nice to meet you, Tommy. I'm Principal Zito. I'll take you to Brendan's classroom."
I shake his hand and follow him down the halls. He's pointing out different classes I don't give a damn about as we walk. Brendan has mentioned this guy at home, but I never cared to ask about him. Maybe I should start taking some interest in my brother's life.
"You've known Brendan a while?" I ask him.
"Yeah. Your brother's a good guy," he turns around to look at me. "Surprised the hell out of me when he told me he fights."
I smirk a little at that. "He's fought his whole life."
The principal nods. "You gave him a run for his money though."
Most people don't seem to realize how bad of a place we were in during Sparta. I ain't eager to fill them in. "Couldn't let him win too easy," I say. Zito laughs.
"No, I guess not," he continues chuckling to himself. "Are you here to see him teach?" he asks.
"Yeah, maybe take him to lunch." I don't know why I'm talking to this guy, but there's something real likeable about him.
"That's nice. He'll like that," Zito gives me one long look. "Well, here he is." He points to a plain wooden door. I thank him and then step inside.
Brendan's up at the whiteboard, scribbling words a mile a minute. All the kids are crushed in at those shiny black counters that science rooms have. They're actually payin' attention to what Brendan is saying. Or at least they were, until I walk in. Thirty pairs of eyes zip to me. Some of the guys look real excited and even a few of the girls look like they know me. They start chatting at once. Brendan turns around, looking irritated. Then he sees me.
"Tommy," he sounds surprised.
"Came to watch you work," I tell him. He smiles at me. "Pull up a chair then."
I squeeze onto one of those uncomfortable stools. Don't see how kids fit on these damn things. I try to pay attention to Brendan. He's talking about physics. I remember a little bit of this, enough at least to follow some of what he's saying. He's got a creative way of teaching. The kids don't sit down for too long before he's got them up doing experiments. They're all running around, happily shoving balls around the table, trying to understand Newton's laws. It's right after Christmas break. These kids should be antsy, but they're all happy participants. It ain't easy to get kids to pay attention, let alone like something as difficult as physics. I feel a little spark of pride for my big brother. This is clearly his element, even more than the ring. I'm glad he found his happiness.
The bell rings and instead of running off to lunch, half the kids run up to me and try to get me to sign notebooks and binders. I scratch my name out in Sharpie marker, trying to be nice. One girl whips out her phone for a picture with me and Brendan. It's weird hearing her call him "Mr. Conlon." No one even calls Pop that.
"This is a surprise," Brendan tells me when the squirts are gone. He looks right at home leaning on the whiteboard.
"Thought I'd buy you lunch," I tell him, picking up my jacket.
"Can't say no to that." He reaches for his own jacket. We stroll out of the school together, heading for a deli that Brendan says is good. It feels nice to be walking around with my big brother. He's talking about his students.
"You're a good teacher. You would have made me like physics," I tell him as we walk.
He looks real happy at that. "I love those damn kids," he admits, "even when they're tough to deal with."
I shrug. "We were tough to deal with. Maybe you're just used to it." I hold the door open for him.
"Maybe," he agrees.
I think Brendan introduces me to everyone in the whole damn deli. He's a big star here, and no one even mentions Sparta. Brendan's just a likeable guy, that kinda person who gets total strangers thinking he's their friend. The people behind the counter know what kind of sandwich he likes and whip two up. He sits us at a table near the window.
"So what's been up with you?" he takes a huge bite of cheesesteak. I ain't supposed to eat shit like this, but no one's going to tell Pop. I tear off a mouthful of greasy cheese and meat. The damn thing is delicious.
"Nothing much," I swallow a sip of Coke. "Just trying to get back into the swing of things."
Brendan nods, but he don't press me for details. I appreciate it. "Training's good?"
"Yup."
"Pop's still good?"
"Happier than a pig in shit."
Brendan snorts. "And Nicole?"
I pause. Truth is, I kinda want to talk to Brendan about her. He's the relationship expert and I'm brand new at this. I bite the bullet and just say it.
"I'm trying to think of somethin' nice to do for her," I say.
"Is it a special occasion?" He wipes his mouth off and stops eating.
"Nah, it's just…" I take another bite, "she's always doing nice shi—stuff for me. And I figured boyfriends are supposed to give their girls flowers or something."
"Does she like flowers?" he asks.
I shrug. "I don't know too much what she likes. Sports I guess. And the beach. And I think she likes the color blue." I sound stupid. Brendan doesn't point it out.
"Well, we know for damn sure she likes you," he says.
"I got no clue why," I say.
Brendan just laughs. "I think most men feel that way."
"I ain't never had a real girlfriend before," I tell him.
"Who'd you date then?"
"You really don't wanna know," I say. He laughs again.
"Nicole isn't like those girls. You're going to have to work to keep her."
"I know," I say. "I just don't know what to do."
"Most women just like simple things. Things that prove you're thinking about them." Brendan balls up the wax paper his sandwich was in.
"Like what?" It's embarrassing, asking these questions, but I gotta know.
"Call her. Write her notes. You should be good at that," he says. I ain't never said nothing to Brendan about my book or those letters. I know how he found out though.
"Nicole told Tess?" I ask.
"And Tess told me," he has the stones not to lie about it. I decide it ain't worth getting pissed over. "I wanna visit her," I tell him.
"You should."
"I need a car." I see him open his mouth. I know he wants to lend me his, or maybe even give me money for one of my own. But I don't want his charity. This is something I gotta do myself.
"I think I'm gonna get a sponsor."
He looks surprised. "You hate them."
"One won't hurt. It'll at least buy me a truck. And if I've got a truck, I can visit her whenever I want."
He nods. "Makes sense."
"She wants me to go to therapy."
I see something in his eyes that looks like happiness. He tries to squash it down, but now I know he thinks it's a good idea too. It makes me feel better for some reason.
"Are you going to do it?" He keeps his voice level.
"Yeah, I think so. A kid from my unit wrote and said he's in it. I guess there ain't no shame in talking to someone." I found Drew's address and sent him a letter checking in on him. He's been writing me back ever since, sending photos of his family and his new girl. I'm glad the kid's doing well.
"It can't hurt," he says.
"Nah. I guess not." I finish my sandwich. We sit silent for a minute.
"Do you love her?" Brendan asks. We both stand up and start heading out.
His question throws me off. "I dunno. How do you know?" I hope no one's overhearing this conversation.
Brendan scoffs. "What do you mean, 'how do you know'?"
He looks over at me. "Shit, Brendan. I'm new at this. Cut me some slack."
Brendan shakes his head. "There's no secret, Tommy. You just know. It's…" he sighs and wipes his face. "Don't repeat this," he tells me.
I laugh. "Like hell I will."
"All right. It's like you think about her all the time, and not just sex or…" he trails off again. "You want to be with her all the time. All of it. And if you're not with her, you're planning what you're going to say the next time you see her."
"So you turn into a sissy."
"Yeah. And you don't even care," Brendan starts laughing.
I'm starting to see a little what made him stay with Tess. I think about Nicole.
It's pretty much the only thing I do anymore. Even when I'm working out, I'm wondering what she's doing, wondering if she misses me at night. Pretty much the only time my phone ever rings, it's her. Makes me happy, seeing messages from her. I ain't never been the texting type, but I message her all day. It's like she's a sickness, and I don't ever want to be cured.
"Guess I could be fallin' for her," I start coughing.
Brendan looks at me hard and starts laughing. He punches me in the shoulder. "You're in trouble, Tommy." He keeps on laughing. Pretty soon I'm laughing too,
"Guess so."
That doesn't seem like such a bad thing at all. Seems like it's driving me to do a whole lot of things I wouldn't do normally. I'm working out harder, keeping myself busy. I'm thinking I might get my GED, maybe start taking some college classes. I tell Brendan. He's happy to give me advice, telling me he'll help me study. He's a good big brother. I guess I forgot about that.
It don't take me long to find a sponsor. One or two phone calls and they're jumping to throw money in my lap. I ain't told Nicole yet. I think I want to surprise her. So I pick out a truck with good gas mileage, pack a duffle bag with clothes and look up directions to Bristol.
"Uncle Tommy, where are you going?" Rosie follows me out to the driveway. I throw my bag in the back and bend down to see her.
"I'm gonna go see my girl, Rosie. I'll be back on Monday."
"Nicole?" she asks in her little girl voice.
"Yup."
"Are you going to kiss her?" She starts to giggle. I smile at her.
"I hope so." Her giggling gets more hysterical. It echoes in my ears on the way to Bristol.
It ain't that long of a drive. Nicole calls me halfway through and I pretend I'm in Philly.
She's laughing and happy on the other line, telling me something about her nephew coming. Maybe I'll get to meet some of her family.
She tackles me when I knock on the door. I'm glad she's happy to see me. She gives me a tour of her house and we cook dinner. It's real normal, like we've always done it.
And when she tells me she loves me, something in my chest feels like it explodes.
I think this might be what other people feel, what truly being happy is like.
When Nicole put herself out there like that selflessly, like she's got nothin' to be afraid of, it reminded me of my Ma, how she loved me to death. I felt like a little kid and like Superman, all at the same damn time.
We go to bed together and just sleep. It's the first time that's ever happened.
She smells good, like vanilla and something I can't place. My arm doesn't hurt for the first time in weeks, I've got no reason to wake up early, nothing to rush off to. It's just me and her.
She sighs in her sleep and wraps her leg around mine.
Just holding Nicole, I am reminded of those corny old saying people are always spittin' out about love. It's like every fruity ballad I've ever heard on the radio, every lovey-dovey thing I've ever read, is running on repeat through my brain. Maybe keeping Nicole by my side won't be too hard 'cause she's the most giving person I've ever known, besides my Ma.
And as I watch her for a while, Brendan's words bouncing around my head, I get what he meant.
I know I love her. We're in love. Never thought it would happen to me.
I lean down and whisper it in her ear.
I know she ain't gonna remember it, but I hope it gives her sweet dreams.
I go to bed thinking fruity thoughts, and I don't even care.
The minute I have time, I'm going to write all of you lovely reviewers a personal thank you. You all have no idea how much you make my day. Thank you for all of your feedback and encouragement. Please continue to let me know what you think.
