It feels good to be back in the ring again. The world fuzzes out, shrinks down until it's just that little space, just me and some other guy. I don't have to think too much when I fight. It's instinct now. The best part of it is guys are giving me a challenge now, refusing to go down in one hit. I play with them a little bit, give the crowd a show. The guys are getting better but they still ain't that good.
They hit the mat one at a time.
Nicole comes to all of the fights she can. At first, people thought she was there working since she was trying to dress real subtle and not attract attention. It didn't do no good. People knew we were dating when she showed up to my first UFC fight on New Year's Eve, a knockout against Rashad Evans.
No point in hiding it. Midnight rang in and I kissed her, cameras be damned.
Let the whole world know she's mine.
Brendan and Tess traveled with us to Cali for my latest fight against Tito Ortiz. It's nice in LA. It's pretty much Philly, but with more sun. But the people here are the same. They go about their own business, shove past people. They're just doing it in tank tops and flip flops instead of beanies and boots. Nicole fits right in. She's having a good time, showing us her city. Her wild hair and bubbly personality don't seem outta place on the West Coast.
I'm supposed to be meeting her family tonight. I'm getting real nervous about it. If they're anything like her brother Mike, they're gonna run me through the ringer tonight. And it ain't like I'm looking real hot. I got stitches on my eyebrow and I think I got a bruise on my cheek.
I know they know I fight, but still. No one wants their daughter dating a rough neck.
I take my time getting ready, try to pick out something nice. Nicole is waiting for me outside. I know she's getting impatient, but I gotta stall for a little bit. At least until my stomach stops rolling around.
"Baby?" she asks, walking into the locker room. "Are you ok?"
"I'm fine sweetheart," I button up my black shirt. I ain't much for shirts that aren't made out of cotton, but I figured I better put some effort in tonight.
"You clean up nice," Nicole walks over to me and starts helping me button my shirt up.
"So do you," she looks gorgeous, as always. I wonder how many outfits my girl owns, 'cause I swear she never wears anything twice. She claims she just knows how to mix and match. Guess I gotta take her word for it.
"Are you ready to meet everyone?" She straightens my shirt out and smiles up at me. I know she's excited about it. I don't want her to know I'm worrying about it.
"Yeah, it'll be nice," I force out a smile. She leans up to kiss me.
"Let's go," she drags me out to the car. She's driving since she knows this city like the back of her hand. I think of Pop and Ma. I don't think Pop ever let Ma drive. I wonder what he'd think if he saw me now. I decide I don't give a shit.
I better call him. I know he wants to congratulate me on another knockout and Brendan and Tess will wanna talk to their girls. Still, it takes a lot of effort to punch that familiar number into my phone. I know Nicole's watching me as I talk. It's hard, showing affection for my Pop.
I don't mind it with my nieces; they're so cute it's hard to not love 'em. But when Pop tells me he loves me, I just tell him "you too" and pass the phone off. I need some time with my dad.
Nicole reaches over and holds my hand as we drive. I swear that girl's a goddamn psychic.
I gotta ask her how she does that, always knows exactly when I need her.
We pull up to an Italian restaurant. I get nervous all over again as we walk through the doors.
Her whole family looks like each other. I know that Brendan and I look alike if you stare real hard, and I can see parts of Ma and Pop's face in my own, but all of Nicole's brothers look like slightly different versions of each other. It's like staring at one person at different points in their life. Mike is the oldest and he's got medium brown skin, Mark is the youngest and he's a taller Mike with darker skin and Steve, the middle kid, is the perfect combo of the two. It's like looking at a bunch of funhouse mirror reflections—one person stretched out or shrunk down. Even Nicole clearly looks like them, just much prettier.
She hugs her mom and dad and I stand in the background, just taking it all in. I see parts of my girl in her parents—her mom's lips and hair, her dad's eyes and dimples. It throws me in a weird space. They're all hugging each other, running around and laughing like it don't bother them at all to be like this in public.
I ain't never met a woman's family before, not like this. Five pairs of eyes stare at me hard when Nicole introduces me. I spot a familiar face in Luke. He's already slobbering all over Brendan, begging for an autograph. It makes me feel like I'm being inspected, checked out.
I shake hands and make introductions, but I'm too nervous to say much. I've got no idea what to do in a situation like this.
Brendan is on it, smiling and laughing and joking like he's known these people for years. I let him take the lead, just like always. I just need a minute to pull myself together. Nicole lets go of my hand to play fight with one of her brothers. I watch them, wondering why I feel so strange.
Her whole family falls around the table like they've got assigned seats. Nicole makes sure I squeeze in next to her. I listen to them bantering, fooling around, chatting. I can't think of anything clever to say, so I stay quiet.
I think it's starting to bother Nicole. She keeps looking over at me like she's worried. I try to smile at her, but I'm starting to feel sick to my stomach. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. "You ok, baby?" she leans in and whispers in my ear. I feel bad that I'm upsetting her.
"Yeah, just dizzy," I tell her. It ain't a lie.
I kinda feel the way I do right after I wake up from a flashback. This ain't the time or place to have an episode, but here I am. I'm starting to get pissed off at myself.
My brother comes to my rescue. He pulls me outside while everyone's arguing about dessert.
"Tommy, what the hell is wrong?" He don't sound mad, just curious.
"I dunno," I still feel sick. "I think I'm losin' my damn mind."
"Nervous?" he asks. There ain't no point in lying so I just nod. "I felt the same way when I met Tess's folks. Take a second and breathe."
"I'm fuckin' it up with them." It ain't a question.
"The night is not over. Pull yourself together."
I straighten up, focus on breathing. Brandon's telling me some story about his rehearsal dinner. Apparently he got in a fight with his brother-in-law over some stupid shit. Just hearing that Brendan fucks up too makes me feel a little bit better.
"It's weird huh?" he asks me. "Seeing people that are so close like that?"
"Must be nice," I agree.
"Play your cards right and you will be in their family," he tells me. "But you better get your damn game face on, Tommy." He sounds so much like Pop that I start laughing.
"Got it," I exhale one more time. We walk back in together.
Nicole looks surprised when I come in chatting like ain't nothing was wrong, but she don't ask about it 'til later that night. Her parents show us their house. It's cute they still got pictures of their kids up from high school. Nicole's room looks the way it must have when she left home. It's purple with posters of actors and prom pictures tacked all over the walls. I take it all in, smiling at photos of my girl with knobby knees and in her swim team bathing suit. It's like taking a peek into her past. I wish I had time to look more but her parents pull us out, continuing their little tour.
Her parents are old fashioned, but not in that boring or dry way. But they've got us sleeping in different rooms. It ain't just the sex I miss, but the sleep. I don't sleep well unless Nicole is in bed with me. I don't know how it happened so quick, but I'm dependent on her.
Even if I have nightmares, just reaching out and feeling her in the dark next to me calms me down. I'm gonna need her tonight.
We have a conversation about what was going on with me at dinner. I admit that I was nervous. She accepts my apology and makes me promise to tell her when I feel like that in the future. I don't know about all that. If she knew how much I feel uncomfortable about everyday shit, she might start questioning why she is with me.
I have a long night without her. I don't like being in different places that ain't home. I lay awake in the dark, staring up at the ceiling and thinking. I don't wanna fuck everything up with her parents. I know they're important to Nicole and I want them to like me 'cause it means a lot to her. Ma used to say first impressions mean a lot. I need to do better with them tomorrow.
I put my plan in action first thing in the morning. I make myself eat breakfast with them. It's weird, sitting there, eating with people I don't know. But they ain't so bad. Her dad isn't too talkative, but he's still a real sharp guy. His hair is starting to go silver at the temples. The thick white hairs look real bright against the black ones that are still hanging on. He's in good shape for an older guy. He looks like the kinda man that don't take shit, but I'm betting he's hard to rile up. I know Nicole loves him, she talks about him all the time.
Her mom is as pretty as she is. Her smiles come just as quickly and she's as chatty as her daughter can be. She don't waste any time before she's asking me questions, trying to get to know me. I let her. Maybe because she looks so much like Nicole with those full lips and that kind face, but she's easier to talk to than I thought she'd be. She seems real concerned about the bruise on my face. I remember Nicole saying something about her being a nurse. I let her baby me while her husband watches. He gives me this look like he's sorry, but can't do nothing. It's the kinda look you give to someone you know well. They're trying real hard to like me. I can see where Nicole gets that side of her that cares so much about strangers.
Good to know it runs in her family.
"So, how did you and Nicole meet?" her mom, Linda, asks as she swabs out my stitches. It stings a little but I don't say nothing.
"We met last year. At a tournament," I say, picking my words carefully.
"Sparta," her dad, Dwayne, says.
"Yes, sir," I tell him.
"Did you like her right off the bat?" her mom is prying for those romantic details I hate giving. I swallow my pride and think of something to say.
"I thought she was beautiful," I say. I sound like a fucking bad poet.
Her mom smiles. "Did you approach her?"
"She came up to me, ma'am. She wanted an interview."
Her dad starts laughing, "Sounds like Nicole."
"Did you give her one?" her mother asks again.
"It took a little while. I ain't exactly a talkative guy," they both start laughing hard at that. Her mom falls back into her chair and her dad is shaking he's laughing so hard. I'm guessing what I said ain't a surprise to them. I start laughing too, grateful that the ice has been broken.
Nicole walks in on us. She looks a little confused, but happy that we're getting along so well. Her parents start asking her to fill in her point of view on the story. She tells it better than I do, so I make my escape to take a shower.
I don't think I did anything spectacular, but even that little conversation took a lot of effort. I'm hoping it's enough for now. I wanna spend the day alone with my girl, maybe go to the beach like we've been talking about. I ain't had her to myself in a long time. She's been working a lot lately and I've been training. I know it's bothering her. When I bring it up on the beach, she starts crying. I know I shouldn't be happy that she's upset, but I'm grateful for the chance to comfort her for once. I always feel like she's givin', givin', givin' and I just take. It's nice to hold her in my arms, to dry her tears, to kiss her sadness away.
She asks me if I think we're gonna make it.
I try to think of somethin' to say back to her. If I've got anything to do with it, we're gonna make it for a long time. I ain't gonna let her go without a fight. I've been thinking about it a lot lately, about proposing. I know that if I ever was gonna get married, it would be to Nicole. I don't want anyone else. It's her or nothin'. That don't sound like the prettiest of sentiments though, so I try and tell her something nice.
"We better. I've made plans and I don't feel like changing them." I watch her face carefully, trying to feel out what she thinks about me sayin' that. I'm hopin' she feels the same. She at least looks curious.
"Plans for what?" she asks me.
"Hang in there and find out." I tell her. She smiles at me a little bit. I've been tryin' to drop little hints that I wanna be with her for the long haul. I'm hopin' that she's startin' to pick up on them. She climbs into my lap and I start playing with her hair. She sighs into me and tells me she loves me. Still shocks me when she says that. It's like gettin' a present every time.
"Even when I'm bein' a dick?" I hope she ain't still upset 'bout last night. She smiles again though, like the whole thing's funny.
"Maybe a little less then, but yes."
"I love you too," it's easy to say that now.
"Even when I cry for no reason?" she asks. I hope she don't think that I think she's some kinda crazy emotional woman.
"You never cry for no reason." I tell her. She snuggles closer into me.
"Then what do I cry about?"
"Normally, you cry for me," I tell her. "It's nice to have someone who cares enough to cry for you." I leave off the thank you. She looks touched enough by what I said. She cranes her head up to stare at me. Scares me when she does that. It's like she's readin' my mind or somethin'. I hold her gaze, thinkin' real hard about all the nice shit she's done for me. If she really can read my mind, she'll know that I'm more thankful than I can tell her.
I should be a better boyfriend. I should buy her flowers and write love poems and leave her chocolates and all that shit. She deserves that.
She gets a real serious look on her face. "There's far more good in you than bad," she tells me.
She sees the silver lining in every cloud. I don't know how she saw good in me, 'specially last year at Sparta. I was a wreck then. It's better now, but I gotta long way to go. But the longer I spend with her, the better I seem to get. I tell her so. I think I'm blushing when she says it, but her smile is worth it. I'm half expectin' her to make that "awwwww" sound that women are always makin'. Instead she starts spouting off that romantic stuff that I ain't no good at saying. She's comparing us to a rollercoaster. She tells me there ain't no one she'd rather be on it with.
I always liked rollercoasters. I'd rather us be that than a Ferris Wheel goin' around in circles. My whole life was a self-destructive circle. With Nicole, I'm at least goin' somewhere. I gotta thank her for that.
I make love to her slowly, taking my time. I want her to feel good, want her to feel how much I need her, how much I want her. I'm doing a damn good job, if her moaning is any indication. Just the sound of her voice saying my name is enough to get me going. It ain't fair, what she can do to me. Every time I try to be slick, she turns the tables. She's on top of me, challenging me.
I could roll her back over, but I let her have her moment. It ain't like she don't deserve it.
And it definitely ain't like I mind. I can see every inch of her from this angle and all of her looks perfect. It's hard to stay in control; every time she moans my name I wanna just grab her and have my way. But I let her set the pace, until finally I can't take it anymore.
When we're finished, I lay with her real quiet, just watching the waves roll in and out. I've never looked at the ocean like this before. The one time my family went when I was a kid, Brendan and me just ran around, splashing. But now, there's something serene about it, something that makes me feel real small. It reminds me the world's a bigger place than my problems.
I drift in and out of sleep with my woman in my arms, naked. She's not talking for once, but I don't think she wants to. The real world is way off somewhere, waiting for us to come back and deal with it. But for now, it's enough to be laying in the warm sand, just being quiet and listening to the water.
I think about her letters from last year, how she said she wanted to go to the beach with me.
I don't know if I ever thought we'd actually be here. I figured something might happen to me, or maybe she'd be done with waiting for me.
But here we are. And as Nicole rolls over and tells me she loves me, I realize that I've got a helluva lot to be thankful for.
I kiss her as she falls asleep in my arms. I don't plan on waking her up. The real world can wait.
Thank you for all of your feedback and encouragement! I appreciate it so much! Please continue to let me know what you think.
