I stare at myself in the mirror the morning before my 30th birthday. Never thought I would get here, and even if I did, I didn't think I would be where I am now. I guess I figured I'd still be in the Corps, maybe in Texas with Manny, or maybe somewhere by myself, pill popping and bar brawling. Sure as hell didn't think I'd be somewhere in the Burgh with my Pop and my brother and my girl. Life's surprising sometimes.

It's weird, looking at myself. I don't look as old as I feel, which I guess is lucky. I've lived alotta life to this point. I guess I'm expecting it to show somewhere, but my hair's still as brunette and full as it was in high school. I don't have too many wrinkles, just maybe some lines around my eyes. The only thing that looks different about me since high school is I'm taller now and got more tattoos and more muscle. And maybe I look happier.

It's been 16 years and this is the longest stretch of time where I haven't been pissed off. I'm not gonna say I'm looking forward to my birthday, but I'm not dreading it. I haven't had a birthday party in years. Sure I went out for drinks, picked up a few chicks, but none of that cake and candles nonsense. I gotta feeling that Nicole might be planning something for me. I can't decide if I want her to or not. Best birthday present she could give me is just being here.

But I know she's gonna go all out. She doesn't half ass nothing.

She's doing something now, I know it. I'm playing along. I think Brendan's in on it and maybe even Pop. I'm at Pop's house now, cleaning up after training. It's still weird being up in my old room. It hasn't changed since I left. My shit's still all up, my trophies, my posters, a box of clothes I left behind when Ma and I ran. It's all clean, like Pop or Brendan was taking care of it, like it was just sitting there, waiting for me to come back.

I pick through it, looking at my wrestling awards. It's the one thing in my life that hasn't changed. Pop was a boxer and so was his dad, all the way back to my great-grandpop from Ireland who fought to make a living in the States. Fighting's in the Conlon blood.

"Tommy, you ok?" Brendan leans his head in the doorway. I glance over at him. He's only two years older, but he seems miles away from me. I wonder if I'm gonna be where he is by the time I'm 32. Having a family never seemed like something for me, but now it's all I think about.

"Just waitin'," I tell him. I sit down on my old bed. He walks in and sits on his, facing me.

It's just like high school. Sometimes I miss sharing a room with him.

"For Nicole?" He leans back against the wall behind him. There's a Pittsburgh Steelers towel up there. I was always the Eagles fan, and he was always a Steelers guy. Used to keep shit interesting during football season. I wonder if he still likes them, now that he's in Philly.

"She's got somethin' planned?" I ask him. He laughs.

"Probably. I don't know what it is though," I know he's not lying. Brendan would tell me.

We sit in silence for a little bit before he asks me, "Ready to be thirty?"

"Fuck no."

He starts laughing, "It is not too bad. It has its perks."

"Feels old," I say.

"Watch it," he throws his pillow at me. I catch it and toss it back. He throws it over again until we make a game outta it.

"Feels like a long time to be alive, and I ain't done shit," I say, throwing the old, flat pillow back.

"What do you mean? You have fought a war, competed in the world's biggest fighting tournament, and you are dating a TV star," he says.

"Sounds a hellalot better when you put it that way," I snort. "But that's just shallow shit."

Brendan catches the pillow, looking hard at me. "You have time, you know, to start a family. You are not old," he throws it back, "and Nicole is not old either."

"She'd be a good mom." I'm hoping he agrees.

"You talked about it?" He catches the pillow and throws it back.

"Nah." I toss it to him.

"But you are thinking about it? Settling down?" He holds onto it again.

"Yeah. Feels like I'm fuckin' turnin' into one of those sensitive girly guys."

He shakes his head and ignores my comment, "Have you looked at rings yet?"

"Don't know shit 'bout jewelry."

"Is Nicole picky about things like that?"

"Don't think so."

Brendan finally tosses it back. "Tommy, are you serious about this? About getting married?"

He looks a little shocked, and I don't blame him. I'm still having a hard time wrapping my mind around it. "For Nicole, yeah, I am." We stare at each other for a while.

I'm starting to wonder what he thinks when he starts talking.

"She is good for you," he tells me. "You have been a lot less of a dick." He throws the pillow at me hard. I jump up and tackle him, shoving him into a headlock. He just keeps laughing. We're still banging around the room when Tess comes running upstairs. She takes one look at us, punching at each other and rolls her eyes.

"Nicole is here," she tells us both. "I think she brought someone with her."

This sparks my interest. I don't got too many friends in the Burgh, and none that she knows.

If she brought someone with her, I probably don't know 'em.

Which is why I'm surprised when I open the door and see Pilar and the kids standing there.

It takes a coupla seconds to register that I'm not losing my mind, then I'm running outside, snatching up my godson and hugging Pilar.

I can't believe that my girl did this for me. It's nice to see my old friend, to see the kids again. They look good, healthy and happy. I worry about them all the time, but it looks like they're doing fine. They brought cake and ice cream with 'em, but I don't care 'bout that. It's just good to see that what Manny left behind is doing fine.

The kids look just like him, 'specially his daughter. She gets along real well with Rosie and Emily. They run wild while all the grown-ups talk. Pilar's telling me how the kids've been. She don't mention the money I gave her, and I'm glad. People see it as a gift, but it was a promise Manny and me made. If something happened to one of us, the other one was supposed to take care of who we left behind. I wish I didn't have to do it, I wish Manny was here too, but for the first time in a long time, I don't feel sad when I see his kids.

It's nice to have something that reminds me of him.

I glance over at Nicole while Pilar is talking. She looks like she's spacing out a little bit. I wonder if she's bored. I haven't been paying too much attention to her the last few hours. I feel a little bad. I gotta make it up to her later, but I don't wanna do it in fronta everyone. I reach for her hand and squeeze it. She smiles at me.

Pilar stops talking for just a second, but I catch her glancing at us holding hands.

She tries to look away quick, but the damage is done. I caught that look in her eyes.

I thought she was over her feelings for me. Figured it was just a passing thing. But that look proves it wasn't.

A year or so ago I went back and visited her, right after I deserted. I felt like I had to, even though I just wanted to disappear. I made a promise and I was gonna keep it, even if it killed me. It was hard to watch her crying, 'specially when I felt like a fucking wreck myself.

I tried to comfort her. I just didn't count on her taking my hugs as a romantic thing.

Shocked the hell outta me when she kissed me. Shocked me more when she started touching me. Took a lot to not knock her off me.

I love Pilar the way someone loves a friend, but I've never wanted her that way. She was always Manny's girl, and that's how I'm always gonna see it.

I thought I made that clear back then, but maybe she didn't get it. I'm thinking Nicole sees it too. The way she's smiling at Pilar's not how she normally smiles. Seems forced, like she's trying damn hard to be nice. She don't let Pilar outta her sight. I think she's jealous.

I ain't gonna lie, Nicole being all territorial's got me riled up. It's damn sexy, those looks she's giving and the way she keeps making sure to position herself close to me. Pilar better watch herself. Probably shouldn't get a kick outta it, but it's nice to know Nicole feels the same way I do when someone gets too close to her.

Still though, the two women're being real nice to each other, considering I don't think they like each other much. I'll never fucking understand how women fight. Don't make an ounce of sense.

The three of us end up sitting in Pop's backyard after Brendan and his girls go home. Nicole's pretending to sleep next to me. She might be fooling Pilar, but I know better. I can see the little twitches her face makes in response to what Pilar and me're talking about. When she's really asleep, nothing's gonna wake Nicole up.

Pilar starts asking personal questions, prying into our relationship.

Pisses me off a little bit, 'specially when she starts acting like I'm only with Nicole for the sex.

She brings up my past of bed hopping with bimbos. I figured I'd tell Nicole 'bout it at some point, but I damn sure didn't want her to find out like that.

"She's good to you?" Pilar asks me.

"The best." Don't even gotta think 'bout that. No one's better than Nicole.

"She knows how much baggage you come with, right?" Pilar keeps right on interrogating me.

"What's that mean?" I'm starting to get pissed.

She spews out some shit about how hard it was with Manny and how she's just concerned.

I think she's just being nosy, but I don't call her on it.

"I'm not trying to offend you," she tells me. "Tommy, you are so good with making sure the kids and I are taken care of. I am just making sure someone is taking care of you."

I believe her. Shit's been hard for both of us, but I only got me to worry about. She needs someone to take care of her, more than I can. I love her and the kids, but I'm not gonna step in and replace my best friend. I got my own life to start. She's gonna have to get on with hers.

"You need someone. Someone closer than I am." I hope she gets my point.

Manny wouldn't want her alone, but I'm not gonna be her someone.

"One day, maybe," she tells me all shiny-eyed, "The hurt is too fresh."

I know the feeling. But she'll be ok. Pilar's a survivor. She's just confused right now.

Nicole pretends to wake up. That ends our conversation. I'm relieved. I watch the two women walk upstairs together. They got some shit to settle. I hope Nicole can do it without killing one of my oldest friends. I clean up outside.

By the time I make it back up to my room, Nicole's sitting on my bed, spacing out. I climb in behind her, pull her to me. She talks to me 'bout Pilar. Surprises me when she admits she's jealous, but I shoulda expected it. Nicole's not one for holding in her emotions.

I tell her about that time in Texas. Her face twists up. I know she's upset. I gotta change that.

"She ain't tried since," I tell her. "Wouldn't matter if she did." Nicole's the only girl for me.

She starts apologizing but I cut her off. She's got no reason to be sorry at all. She gave me the best birthday I've had in years. I tell her so. She blushes real cute.

I keep flirting, buttering her up with all them sappy things I wouldn't let no one hear me say in public. She melts right in my arms.

With a minute left to go 'til my birthday, she jumps up and starts dropping her clothes. And goddamn, she's wearing this red and black lace number that's making my brain go fuzzy.

I don't even realize that I got up and went to her until she's in my arms. I don't waste time with foreplay, but she ain't complaining. She wraps her legs around my waist.

In the background I hear my clock beep. I'm officially 30 years old.

I can't think of a better way to start another decade than being inside of Nicole. I tell her so.

Her eyes get real shiny, like she's gonna cry. But she just wraps her arms around my neck and kisses me hard. "Happy 30th Birthday, Tommy," she gasps against me.

I don't have anything to say. I lay her down on my bed. Actions speak louder than words anyway.


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