I pull my truck into the driveway of Brendan's house. It's dark on the street, but it looks like his living room light is on. I'm dreading going back in there.
Last time my brother and me fought, I ended up with a dislocated shoulder. I'm thinking I'd rather deal with that than the shit storm I'm about to walk back into.
"Baby, are you all right?" Nicole reaches over from the passenger seat and touches my leg.
"Scared shitless." No point in lying. She gives me one of those sweet, sympathetic looks of hers.
"He is your brother, Tommy. It's going to be ok." Lightening quick, she leans over and kisses me. Then she hops outta my truck, and looks at me.
I know what she wants me to do. We just spent the last coupla hours talking about it. I gotta go in there and apologize to my big brother. Trouble is, I don't know where the fuck I'm s'posed to start. I got a whole laundry list of almost 15 years of shit I'm sorry for.
The big thing is Ma though. Been 14 years since she died, and I never said nothing about it to Brendan, not then and not now. Not 'til today. I don't even think he knew the damn date she died. But I've been feeling shitty about it all week. Musta started to show on my face, 'cause Brendan asked me about it when we was working out today.
That's when the shit hit the fan. Don't know what I was thinking, saying all that in front of Brendan and Pop. I can't get the way their faces looked outta my head. Brendan didn't need to know all the gruesome details. I shouldn'ta said it, shouldn'ta told them about her coughing up blood and crying and praying. Maybe I just needed to tell someone, or maybe I just wanted them to feel as shitty about it as I do.
Pop got real sad, like he was collapsing on himself. He didn't wanna hear no more, but Brendan couldn't stop. He kept prying, tryna get me to explain. I guess he wants closure. But he ain't gonna get it, not the kind he wants. He never gotta say goodbye to Ma and it's my damn fault.
I shoulda called him. I knew she was gonna die, even if I was lying to myself. I wanted to call him, and not just 'cause Ma was sick. I needed Brendan back then. I probably coulda had him if I just had picked up the fucking phone.
Nicole says I can't change the past. I know that. But that don't stop it from hurting like hell sometimes. It wasn't no fun, standing there, yelling hurtful shit at Brendan. I said terrible shit, things I didn't even mean. I brought up Tess, trying to make him feel guilty about it. Made me feel sick afterwards. I sounded like Pop on a bender throwing accusations and cussing up a storm. I didn't mean to do it, but it's easier focusing on the stuff that hurts me than the stuff I've done wrong. The Conlon men are stubborn, but I think Nicole's right.
We gotta let this shit go before it kills us.
"Tommy," Nicole comes around to my side of the car and opens the door. She grabs my hand.
"Yeah, sweetheart, I'm comin'," I tell her. I look at my girlfriend, standing there in the most mix-matched outfit of my gray shirt and her bright skirt thing. She ain't even got on shoes. Her and Tess came home from the pool with the girls and found Brendan and me fighting in the kitchen. Nicole came after me when I stormed out. Didn't even have time to grab her sandals, just hurried off after me. She said she didn't want me to be alone. I appreciate it.
She just listened to me talking about Ma. I ain't told no one about it in years, not since Manny and me met. Just telling someone who gave a shit helped. Nicole has this way of making me feel better just by being there. I wish she coulda met Ma. I think they woulda liked each other.
She leads me towards the house. I don't have keys, so we haveta wait for someone to let us in. I'm relieved and disappointed when it's Tess that answers and not my brother.
"You guys are ok?" Tess's eyes are all swollen up and red. I'm guessing she and Brendan have been going through the same thing Nicole and I just did.
"Yes. Are you?" Nicole hugs Tess real tight. I feel bad for the shit Conlon men are putting those two through. Brendan and I need to nip this shit in the bud.
"Is Brendan here?" Tess jumps a little at my voice. Guess I can't blame her. Last time she heard it, I was cussing her husband out in her kitchen.
"He's in the den," she tells me. Nicole looks at me and gives me a nod. I take a deep breath, give her a kiss and walk off down the hall.
Feels like my feet are made of lead. Takes forever to get down the hallway. I knock on the door. Brendan pulls it open without asking who it is. "Tommy." Guess he was expecting me.
We stare at each other for a minute while I try to figure out the best way to say what I need to.
I settle on the obvious statement. "I'm sorry."
I might as well have smacked him, he looks so shocked. He pulls it together though and moves over so I can get in the room.
"I shoulda told you 'bout Ma," I keep talking, trying to get it all out before I lose the nerve.
"I wanted to back then. Wish I could go back in time and change it. Think 'bout it all the fuckin' time. I shouldn'ta done that to you." I can't look at him. I might start crying again.
Brendan makes this sound like he's choking. Breaks my heart.
"I should have gone with you. You didn't deserve to go through that alone," he says.
"You didn't know that was gonna happen," I say.
"Yeah, but—"
"No buts. You were the one stuck with Pop. You couldn'ta known what was gonna happen to Ma. I shoulda called. We were scared."
"I know," Brendan sniffles. "I thought about you guys all the time. I missed you guys. I'm sorry I did not come with you."
We're both standing in his den, crying like little girls. "Guess we're just a sorry pair then."
He chuckles a little bit. "I guess so."
"You know I love you, right?" I ain't sure I ever really told him before.
"Yeah, I know," he looks up at me. "I love you too."
He pulls me into a hug and I let him. Makes me feel like a little kid, like when he used to rock me when Pop and Ma were getting into it. I hug him so hard that it hurts. I don't know how long it lasts, but I feel better when it's over, like a weight's been lifted.
Brendan goes upstairs to his wife and I go to the pullout bed in the living room. Nicole is in it, but I know she's not sleeping. She's still in my t-shirt, but she's finally outta her bathing suit.
"How did it go?" she whispers to me after I change for bed and join her.
"Good." I lick my lips. I hope she understands, but I wanna keep that between Brendan and me.
She nods. "You made up?"
"Yeah, I think so," I tell her.
She starts playing with my hair. I lean into her touch and grab one of her hands. It's so soft and small. I drop a kiss on her warm skin. She sighs and curls into me.
"I love you, Tommy," she tells me, whispering into my chest. "You are a good guy."
I don't feel it so much tonight, but I thank her anyway. "I love you too, sweetheart," I kiss her. She falls asleep, but I lay awake, thinking.
Brendan and I missed a lot in 14 years, alotta big milestones. I didn't see his wedding or his kids when they were babies. I didn't watch him graduate from college, didn't see his first day teaching. He didn't see me enlist, didn't get to hear about how I felt when I left the country for the first time, didn't get to come to Ma's funeral. I'm sick of us leaving each other outta the important stuff.
Which is why the next morning I drag him to a jewelry store with me. He was asking if I got Nicole a ring. He can help me pick one.
"Where are we going?" He's sitting in the passenger seat of my truck. It's still a little awkward. But I'm gonna change it somehow.
"The mall," I turn into traffic.
He snorts, "Shopping? You're taking me shopping?"
"I need your opinion," I reach over and punch him in the arm.
"On what? Jeans? I think Nicole would have been the better choice." He keeps on laughing.
"A ring."
He stops laughing in a second and looks at me, "No shit?"
"No shit," I tell him.
He leans back into the seat of my truck, looking like he's thinking real hard.
"Why do you want me to come?"
I was hoping he wouldn't make me say it, but I guess I owe him. "Cause you know 'bout shit like this and…I wanted my big brother with me for this."
He nods. "All right. Thanks for asking me to come."
"Thanks for comin'," I tell him.
We don't talk no more in the car. The mall is crowded, crawling with people rushing around, buying shit they don't need. Brendan knows where he's going though, so I just follow him.
"What store do you want to try first?"
Fuck if I know. "There's more than one?"
He looks at me and rolls his eyes. "Shit, Tommy, do you know anything about this?"
"Why'd ya think I brought you?"
He keeps on shaking his head as we walk into a store. It's full of those clear glass cases with all the diamonds laying on those velvet blanket things. The lights are shining right off the jewelry and into my eyes, making me squint. We look at some rings, but they're all the huge, gaudy things. I think they're ugly. I don't want Nicole wearing some big ass chunk of metal on her hand. Her fingers are too tiny for that shit. She won't be able to lift her hand up.
"See anything?" Brendan asks. I shake my head. We brush off the disappointed salesman and try another store. Three stores later and I'm starting to get pissed off.
Brendan tries to calm me down. "Took me forever to find Tess's ring. Be patient."
"Would you like to look at custom items, sir?" a saleswoman asks me.
"Yeah, sure," I say. She looks upset at my lack of enthusiasm, but goes and gets some brochures. Soon me and Brendan are sitting with her in a back room, looking at pictures of gold and silver bands and every kinda diamond known to man. I didn't even know you could get a pink diamond, or a diamond cut in a heart shape.
I glare at the pages, hoping something jumps out of me.
"What is your girlfriend like?" the saleswoman asks, trying to be helpful.
"Dunno."
The lady looks puzzled but I continue, "I mean, she dresses real well, but she ain't high maintenance or nothin'."
"So maybe something simple?" she suggests.
"Yeah, but these are kinda bland," I point to the page. The diamonds are all the same color as the bands. It's too boring for my girl. Nicole's got personality. The saleswoman looks offended though. I try again, "I mean, no offense, but I kinda want somethin' colorful."
Brendan is trying not to laugh. I know I ain't making this easy on her, but this is her job. I ain't the ring expert, she is.
"We can offset it with another stone," she don't sound as friendly as she did when we first came in. "What's that blue one called?" I ask.
"Sapphires?" Brendan asks.
"Yeah. Could I get this ring with sapphires 'round it?" I point to a simple looking round diamond on a thin, pretty band
"Smaller stones?" she asks.
"Yeah."
"What quality?" she asks.
"What's the best you got?"
She looks surprised. She starts spouting off details and prices, but I don't wanna hear any of it.
I want the best for Nicole. Don't care how much it costs.
I'm gonna win Sparta anyway, so I'm not gonna be broke. And even if I don't win, I'll find some way to pay for it.
"Look at you, big pimping," Brendan laughs as we wander out to the food court.
I gotta sketch of what Nicole's ring is gonna look like. The lady promised it would be done before I leave for Sparta. Now I just gotta figure outta good way to ask her to marry me.
"How'd you do it?" I ask Brendan.
"Propose?" he asks. I nod. "Tess and I were 22. I had just graduated. She came to watch the ceremony. Afterwards, we were outside, taking pictures and I just dropped on one knee." He gets this little smile on his face.
"Right there? With people around?"
"Yeah," he laughs, "I still had my cap and gown on. Her family was watching." That takes balls. I tell him so. He keeps on laughing. "How are you going to do it?" he asks me.
"Dunno. Damn sure ain't gonna be in front of all you though."
"Well, how long are you going to wait?"
"Till after Sparta. I want it to be just me and her," I tuck the sketch into my pocket.
"Just remember, take a deep breath before you ask, and for the love of God, don't forget to get on your right knee," he says, dead serious.
"The knee's a big deal?"
"A huge deal."
"I'll remember."
"What are you going to say?"
I don't know. Shit, he's making me nervous. "I was just gonna ask."
"You have to be smoother than that. You need to practice," he says. "Practice on me."
"Now?" We're sitting in the middle of a crowded mall, eating sub sandwiches.
"Now." When I still don't move, he says it again. "Come on, Tommy. Practice on me."
"I can't." This's so damn embarrassing.
"Why not?"
"'Cause you ain't her. I ain't gonna tell you the corny shit I tell her."
Brendan smiles. "What corny shit do you tell her?" He's enjoying teasing me.
"Ain't tellin'."
"Come on, Tommy," Brendan looks at me really hard. I sigh.
"That I love her." I know I'm turning bright red. I hope no one else hears us.
"And I'm happy with her…and she makes me wanna be a better person and…."
Feels like my throat is swelling up.
"That you want to spend forever with her?" Brendan suggests.
"Yeah," I start choking.
"That you want her to have your kids? Start a life? Ride off on a unicorn into the sunset?" Brendan starts laughing.
"Fuck you," I throw my wadded up napkin at him.
"Seriously though, Tommy," he stops laughing long enough to tell me, "this is great. I am really proud of you."
He's making it worse. I must be red as a damn tomato by now.
"You might wanna get that blushing under control before you ask though," he can't resist one last dig. I jump up and he goes running off. I know we look crazy, but I can't help chasing him through the food court. He beelines straight for the door and takes off into the parking lot.
I'm hauling behind him. I almost catch him, but he jumps behind my truck.
"I shoulda left you at home," I tell him. I'm outta breath.
"Then who would you have practiced with? Pop?"
I start laughing with him. We climb into the truck and I smack him upside the head.
"Nicole is lucky to be getting you," he tells me.
"Figured it was the other way around," I start the truck.
"Marriage is a two way street," he says. "You're going to wish that you hadn't done it sometimes, and every once in a while it's going to be very hard. But you have to fight for it. I know you Tommy. You don't love easily, but when you do, you hold onto it with both hands. You two will be ok."
I'm suddenly feeling real emotional. Just hearing that Brendan thinks I'm good enough for Nicole, that he thinks we're the real deal, makes me feel all proud. I can't look at him.
"You gotta stop with this sissy shit," I choke out. "You're turnin' me into a girl."
"All right," he shakes his head. "I'll stop."
We drive around, just shooting the shit for a while. I know our women are waiting for us, but we ain't ready to go home yet. By the time we pull up, it's late afternoon. Nicole and Tess are in the front yard, watching Emily and Rosie play.
"Where did you two go?" Tess asks us as we hop out.
"Nowhere important," Brendan answers her, dropping a kiss on her lips. He winks at me over his wife's head. Nicole looks at me questioningly.
"I'll tell you later, sweetheart." I grab her hand. She lets the issue drop. I sit out on the stoop with her in my lap, playing with her fingers.
"Are you and Brendan ok?" she asks me quietly.
"Yeah, we're ok."
"I'm glad," she tells me, leaning up to kiss me. We watch him and Tess running around the yard with their girls.
"Do you think that could be us one day?" she asks me all the sudden.
She's biting her lower lip like she's real nervous. I turn her face towards mine and kiss her hard. I can hear Rosie and Emily squealing "ewwwwwwwww" in the background, but I don't care. Nicole looks a little stunned when I finally pull away.
"I hope so," I tell her.
She smiles so hard it's like the sun came out all the sudden. My nervousness starts to disappear.
I keep playing with her fingers, running my hands over the smooth skin.
I hope that in a coupla weeks, she's wearing my ring.
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