"Are you ready to push, Mrs. Conlon?" Pretty boy Justin is stationed 'tween my wife's legs.
I've forgotten all 'bout being pissed 'bout it, 'cause I'm right behind him, staring with a kinda horrified fascination at what's happening.
Eddie's coming. Took him three and a half damn hours to get 'round to it. Nicole's been trying not to show it, but it's wearing her down. Every coupla minutes she's been grimacing, gripping my hand like she's tryna break my bones.
"You breathin' sweetheart?" I know it's a stupid question, but she's starting to turn purple.
Her curly hair is soaked in sweat. "I just want to wait," she screws her face up again. I know she's in terrible pain.
I reach for her hand; it upsets me there's not a lot I can do. My instinct is to cuddle her, to try and protect her and make the pain go away, but of course it won't.
"Wait for what?" I know the answer before she tells me. "Our family."
Her parents hopped a plane, but there ain't a whole lotta hope of them getting over here 'fore Eddie comes into this world. But Brendan and Tess are driving like a bat outta hell to get here. Pop is with 'em.
I want my brother here as much as she does, but I don't want her tryna cross her legs and hold our son in. I tell her so.
"They said they're almost here," she gasps. I look over at Justin for help. Can't believe I'm relying on this fruitcake, but I'm desperate.
"Mrs. Conlon," pretty boy starts again, real slow and soft like he's talking to a startled animal.
"I know you want your family here, but your son is coming. I think it is time to get ready to push…"
"I know he is coming," my wife snaps, "You think I can't feel it?"
Her anger shocks Justin into silence. Even I'm surprised. But I can see my wife, that tell-tell wrinkle forming between her brows. She's seconds away from a breakdown.
"Justin," I think it's the first time I used that man's name. He snaps his head 'round to me.
"Can you give us a minute?"
The kid nods and hightails it outta the room. I don't know what the protocol is for tipping your midwife, but I'm gonna have to slide him a few bucks for taking our abuse.
I walk over to our bed and climb up on it. It's the bed we bought right after I proposed, the bed I come home to every night, the only bed I've ever truly slept well in, the one Eddie was conceived in. And now it's gonna be the place our first kid is born.
I barely get in next to her, when she lets her head collapse on my shoulder. She's exhausted.
I stroke her damp, curly hair and press a kiss to her forehead.
"You scared?" It ain't really a question, but I want her to talk to me 'bout it. She nods, starts tearing up. I wipe 'em away. "You're gonna be great at this," I whisper in her ear.
It's hard to get close to her with all the damn monitors in the room, but I hold her tight as I can.
"Even if Brendan, Tess and Pop and your parents don't get here in time, you got me, sweetheart. And soon, we're both gonna have Eddie too."
She turns her face toward me. "What if it's not all ok?" she asks quietly. "What if something goes wrong?"
"It won't." I don't know how I know, but it's there, certain as the sky is blue.
She nods, once, twice. "Ok," she whispers, wiping her face. "Ok." It comes out louder this time.
I stand up, give her a peck on the lips, "Let's do this."
Justin comes back in. If he's surprised by Nicole's change in mood, he don't say nothing. I like him just a little bit more.
"Ready?" he asks. Nicole takes a deep breath. "Ready."
All them damn breathing and panting classes we took start coming in handy. I'm breathing right along with my wife, trying to keep calm.
My main role is talking her through the breathing, applying pressure to her back where it hurts, and supporting her body.
I don't even hear the front door opening, or the footsteps rushing up the damn stairs.
Tess bursts in right when Nicole starts crowning. She gasps in surprise as my wife lets out a wail to wake the dead.
I chance a peek down 'tween her legs and nearly fall over. I've seen a lot of blood and guts in my life, but ain't never seen nothing like that. A head, a goddamn head is coming out of my wife. It's got a ton of brunette hair.
Our son.
He emerges one bloody, goopy inch at a time.
I feel Brendan dancing 'round in the doorway, afraid to come in. Tess is washing her hands, running to the side of the bed. I suddenly appreciate the fact that we're having Eddie at home.
This is a moment I don't wanna share with no one who ain't family. I'd deliver Eddie myself if I could.
My whole life I've heard 'bout the miracle of birth, how beautiful it all is. I can tell you for a fact there ain't nothing pretty 'bout it. It's blood and sweat and screaming and ripping and pain and parts of my wife stretching out so big I don't know how it'll ever shrink back down again.
Brendan just keeps muttering cuss words under his breath, and I know I'm close to echoing him. Tess looks excited, keeps coaching my wife, telling her how good she's doing.
I don't know what I'm saying. I'm just holding her hand and tryna stay conscious.
"One big push and you're past the shoulders," Justin announces cheerfully.
Nicole bears down with a wail and then we hear it.
A baby crying.
Eddie's out all at once, a slippery mess of a human being. The whole room goes silent as he cries, flailing tiny little fists. Justin does his thing, sweeping 'round with towels and blankets, whirling like a tornado. Then he puts Eddie down, very gently, on Nicole's chest.
My wife promptly bursts into tears. I'm shaking as I cut the cord, terrified to hurt this impossibly small little person we made.
Suddenly I recognize my son as if I've been waiting for him all my life without ever even knowing it.
"Congratulations son," scares me when I hear Pop's voice behind me. He's been standing there the whole time in the doorway, quietly watching the whole thing.
I stare at my dad for a long moment, tryna think of something to say. I feel a second of hot panic sear through me, a sudden fear that I'll turn into the kinda dad that Pop was. It ain't like I have any other example to look up to.
But there's something in Pop's eyes now, as he stares down at his first grandson, and it looks a helluvalot like pride. I ain't used to seeing that from my dad unless I win a fight.
Brendan must notice the tension between us 'cause he steps in the middle of us and pulls Pop toward him, into the room. We three Conlon men stand in a line, looking down at the newest member of our family. Three generations of men.
"He's beautiful," Pop grunts.
"Thanks Pop," I can't bring myself to meet his eyes. I'm staring instead at Nicole cooing down at our son.
It's like a balloon is swelling up in my chest. Always thought the heart only had so much love, and you just sorta divided it up 'tween folks. I thought I'd never love anyone a fraction as much as I love Nicole. I figured I didn't have the space for it.
But now, it's like some secret door in me opened. What I feel for Eddie is different than Nicole, different than Brendan and Tess and their kids, different than Manny and Ma and Pop.
It's like instinct. I want to take every fall for him, teach him everything I know. I want him to be better than me, to be the best at anything he wants.
I want the whole world for him. I wanna protect him from all the bad, give him the childhood I wish I had.
It's a terrifying and exciting feeling. I hope I'm up for the task.
"What is his name?" Tess reaches down to touch Eddie's head gently.
"Edward," Nicole says. She's still crying a little bit.
"Edward Brendan Conlon," I say. "We're gonna call him Eddie."
Nicole picks Eddie up and holds him out to me. I've had plenty of practice holding baby dolls, but never the real thing.
He don't weigh much. Feels like I'm gonna crush him, just tryna get him situated in my arms. His whole body is barely as big as one of my biceps. He starts squirming a little bit, his tiny hands opening and closing. I do a quick count; he's got the right number of fingers and toes.
His skin is light, but with a hint of color I know I didn't have at his age. His hair is the same color as mine and already wavy.
He opens his eyes and peeks up at me. I'm surprised to see my own eyes in his tiny little face, sapphire-grey and intelligent. They focus on me as his little hand grips my finger tightly, with surprising strength. I feel myself getting choked up. I rock him for a little while 'fore the rest of the room can't take it anymore and I gotta pass him around.
Tess coos and smiles at Eddie like an old pro, Brendan holds him quietly, smiling, Pop looks surprised but happy and even Justin gets a turn.
I want time alone with my brand new family, but I know it's gonna be a while. So I let Justin handle cleaning up my wife and son and sweep my Pop and brother and sister-in-law downstairs so they can have some rest.
It ain't 'til Tess is in the kitchen whipping up dinner that Brendan looks at me.
"You gave him my name." It ain't a question. I glance up at my big brother.
He looks overwhelmed. I didn't expect that from him. He always manages to stay cool, our whole life. I used to be the emotional one.
"It's a good name." I can't meet his eyes. "Thought it might give him a role model to look up to."
"Eddie has that in you Tommy."
Takes every inch of control I've got not to cry. I settle instead for giving Brendan a hug.
I'm slowly getting better at this "emotions" thing.
The next coupla hours are a blend. Our house becomes packed within hours. Everyone is clamoring to see Nicole, to see Eddie. Dwayne and Linda arrive in a tornado of excitement and baby presents. I put the gifts in the nursery with the mountains of other stuff Eddie got.
Brendan and Tess go in one guestroom, Dwayne and Linda go in another. Pop's in the room right by the master bedroom, sharing it with Justin. The midwife wants to monitor Eddie for the night, but he sure as shit ain't staying in the room with me and Nicole.
It'll be good for him to spend some time with Pop. Might toughen him up a little bit.
We all seem to fall into exhaustion all at once. I make my escape back to my room, wanting to be with my wife and child. Nicole is in bed, holding Eddie, half asleep, still humming to him.
I slip outta my sweats and slide into our now clean bed. I'm hoping Nicole doesn't wanna save the sheets from earlier. I think Eddie is a good enough souvenir.
"You did it," I kiss her lightly on the lips, pulling my family as close to my side as I can.
"We did it," she corrects with a smile.
I stroke Eddie's head softly. His face is buried in my wife's chest. I start thinking 'bout all the shit we've learned in parenting classes, the breast feeding tips, diapers, organic baby foods, cradle crap and colic. We've got a long road ahead of us. There ain't no one I'd rather be on it with than Nicole.
I kiss her again, harder this time, tell her how beautiful she is. She looks dangerously close to crying again.
"I love you," she whispers.
"Love you too," I kiss her, then Eddie.
I spend the rest of the night quietly in my room, listening to Eddie's little baby noises and Nicole singing to him.
It's a pretty damn good way to pass a night.
That is, 'til Eddie wakes up crying. Turns out our son ain't a fan of sleeping through the night. The boy has no concept of day and night. He wakes up whenever he wants to, wailing his little lungs out.
Nicole and I take turns getting up. Most of the time, he's crying to be fed, but sometimes it seems like he's just screaming for the hell of it.
Sometimes it's enough to just hold him. Something 'bout being near me and Nicole calms him down. Trouble is, he don't want us to sit down and hold him. You gotta stand up. And I figure since Nicole does all the breastfeeding, I can do the rocking. It's only fair.
I feel like a zombie, pacing back and forth at night with Eddie bouncing around in my arms.
He likes the sound of my voice, so I tell him stories while his mom sleeps. Sometimes I tell him fight stories, or things I remember my ma telling me. Sometimes I just make stuff up, nonsense tales that don't make no sense, but are fun to tell.
If I'm real tired, I just talk. I tell him 'bout my day. He's a great listener.
He just ain't a great sleeper. I'm starting to sneak naps anywhere I can get 'em. Sometimes I fall asleep changing in the locker room. I swear I fell asleep jump roping the other day.
I've cut down on my gym time, not wanting to miss more of Eddie growing up than I have to.
I get jealous of Nicole. She's home with him all the time, at least for the first three months. She loves everything 'bout being a mom. She can tell Eddie's cries apart, knows when it's for food or diapers or just being held. I think I'm starting to get the hang of it too.
I can change a diaper in under a minute, know what temperature I gotta heat Nicole's breastmilk to for Eddie to take it, know how hot he likes his bath water and how to get a squirming infant snapped into a onesie.
I'm doing shit I never dreamed of, carrying diaper bags, wearing burp cloths, rumbling out lullabies. Brendan laughs his ass off every time he sees me.
It ain't like I got cuddly written all over me, but Eddie doesn't seem to mind.
I like taking him to the park. He's big enough to hold his head up. He loves taking in the world, his eyes wide as saucers. So I try to take him to as many interesting places as I can.
Three months later, Nicole goes back to work. She cries her eyes out, considers being a stay at home mom. But she loves her job and she's damn good at it. So we work something out.
I go to the gym as early as I can, so I'm home when she leaves. And then I get our son all to myself 'til she gets home.
I love those moments, love carrying him 'round in his baby carrier, love taking him to the mall and to the zoo, to the gym to watch the training. I get plenty of shit from the guys, but I know they're starting to like Eddie. I've seen men who ain't been soft a day in their lives, cooing at Eddie and making stupid faces.
He's so cute he sucks up all the attention. People have stopped even looking at Nicole and me. The minute we walk into a room, they all swoop for Eddie. We got everyone clamoring to babysit, everyone tryna hold him or feed him, burp him or bounce him in his baby walker. It's hard sharing him, but I like that other people seem to love him as much as Nicole and I do.
And I ain't gonna lie. It's nice when Brendan and Tess and the girls drive up and babysit to give Nicole and I alone time. The first coupla times, I swear we only slept. We were too tired to do anything more than cuddle and fall asleep. But now it's back to normal.
Nicole was self-conscious 'bout her post-baby body, worried 'bout what I'd think.
I don't give a shit 'bout her stretch marks, or that she insists her boobs aren't as perky or that her tummy's got some extra flab.
She's the mother of my child and there ain't nothing sexier in the world than her naked.
I kiss her everywhere to prove it, make love to her like it's new. In a way, it is.
We didn't have sex at all right 'fore Eddie was born and then for the 6 weeks after.
So when I get her all to myself, I ain't wasting time.
She's probably gonna end up pregnant again 'fore too long. Both of us are ok with that.
It's like we're living in this happy bubble. The smallest shit makes me happy. If Eddie burps or sneezes or laughs, it's like something magical happened. I'm taking pictures of everything, videotaping him doing nothing, eating yogurt for the first time, crawling and babbling. He likes music and tries to sing along. He's got Nicole's wide, ready smile, my temper, his mom's wavy hair and my sapphire eyes and big lips. He loves seeing animals, but don't like being alone for more than a coupla seconds.
We play hours of peekaboo, sing nursery rhymes 'til I hear 'em in my sleep. We read books about red dogs and colorful fish over and over again.
It never gets old. It's like we got a neon sign flashing over us, like smiles are etched into our faces.
Even when it's hard, like when Eddie had colic, or when we discovered he'd rather throw rice cereal all over the walls than eat it, or when he started crawling and putting everything he could reach in his mouth, we're still happy.
Nothing I love more than listening to Nicole sing and read to him, or just sitting quietly with my little family in the mornings, watching Sesame Street with Eddie laying on my chest.
Maybe I'm starting to mellow out a little. I'm smiling in public, getting along better with folks at work. The small shit just ain't bothering me like it used to. I was worried that it might make me soft in the ring. But it's the same. I step in the cage, and the real world falls away.
If anything, I'm fighting harder now. I want Eddie to be impressed when he's old enough to understand. I want him to know his daddy was a contender.
He grows up fast, faster than I thought was possible. He starts walking early, getting in to everything. He likes to talk, likes to shout words like "bird" and "dada" and "mama" at the top of his lungs for our amusement.
And now, at 8 months old, his new favorite word is "baby."
Might be 'cause Nicole and I are expecting another one.
I don't care 'bout the teasing, 'bout the folks telling me to keep it in my pants, or saying that maybe we should've waited a little bit.
If I've learned anything, it's that life happens on its own time, and operates on its own plan.
And if life wants to keep heaping blessings on me, then I sure ain't complaining.
Thank you to everyone, especially Tallulah Lullah, for your patience! Your support means more to me than you could possibly know. For now though, I think that it is time to come to the end of this story. Be on the look out for an epilogue, and again, thank you all for your reviews and kind words and suggestions!
